


Soul-utions to Myth-conceptions

by evakuality, hjertetssunnegalskap (Crazyheart)



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: 9 myths about soulmates + 1 truth, Acrylic paint, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bonding, Clueless David Schreibner, Clueless Matteo Florenzi, Fanart, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Found family against the world, Friends to Lovers, Gay Male Character, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Soulmarks, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Trans Male Character, Trope Subversion/Inversion, not so slow burn, pansexual male character, sort of telepathy but not really?, subtext sensing, us against the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2020-12-22 15:17:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 110,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21078962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakuality/pseuds/evakuality, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyheart/pseuds/hjertetssunnegalskap
Summary: Soulbonds are a fucking mystery, and consequently several myths and stories have risen up around them.  Matteo's stuck with a physical mark on his wrist, but wishes he didn't have to bond romantically at all.  David doesn't have any mark, and is mostly happy about that.  Weirdly, however, he keeps finding himself drawn to Matteo, and all his plans to stay away become harder to stick to when they're together.   They can't be soulmates, though; everyone knows only similar marks bond and since David has no mark, this whole thing is impossible.  Right?





	1. Myth One: “Your one true soulmate is predetermined” (part one)

**Author's Note:**

> We're starting a new fic! Or rather, we have written half of a new fic and have the rest planned out and we're starting to post! So that's exciting. There are 21 chapters and we're planning to post once a week for now, so watch for this every Friday (ish), and hopefully we can all survive this Druckless existence together for these weeks to come.
> 
> We'd like to thank the people who have stepped in to read and give beta help, including [i-am-a-fairytale](https://i-am-a-fairytale.tumblr.com/) and [saveitforthesongs](saveitforthesongs.tumblr.com). We are extremely grateful for the support you've all given.

###  **_Matteo_ **

The flat is full of people, pressing in on all sides. They’re dancing, often knocking into Matteo because the space is too small for the size of the group. Over the roar of music, a distant, hazy chatter can be heard from the people lining the walls. Matteo can’t make out any words, but their laughter carries further, rings in his ears and won’t seem to stop. He wishes he could get out of here, escape the noise and the chatter somehow.

But he can’t.

Sara has her arms around his neck, loosely held together at the nape and caressing the hairline, but instead of feeling the giddy joy everyone associates with this sort of connection, Matteo feels closed in and trapped. Her fingers, instead of bringing comfort or delight, feel oppressive. It’s strange; he feels like he should be trying harder to enjoy this, to try to find some genuine happiness here, but all he does is give her a weak smile when she pulls back to look into his face. Her cherry red lips are moistened, opened slightly, and her eyes are lit up. His heart sinks. She, at least, might have those giddy feelings. 

Feeling the cold wash of guilt, Matteo blinks. Looks away.

He’s developing a headache, pounding in behind his eyes in a way that he knows will end in a nauseous feeling by the end of the night. Not that it matters; the beer and weed he’ll inevitably consume once he manages to escape from Sara and eventually finds his boys would see to that anyway. But it doesn’t make any of this any easier, not the cloying scent of her perfume or the way her arms seem like weights over his shoulders.

Sara moves closer, her arms winding more tightly, and Matteo’s smile becomes more brittle as everything closes in a little more. He likes her well enough as a person, senses something fragile in her that he wants to heal. And yet, he doesn’t want _ this. _ All he wants is to be her friend, but expectations have made her think there’s something else, something more.

There’s warm breath over his ear as she whispers, “Do you want to get out of here?”

He closes his eyes, takes a breath and shakes his head. “I need to do the rounds,” he says. “Check in with everyone. I mean… it’s kind of my party. So I really should...”

He trails off at her small snort. There’s another soft waft of perfume, sweet and overwhelmingly musky at once, as she shakes her own head then tilts it to look at him. There’s amusement in the look, and fondness. 

“You don’t like socializing.”

He shrugs. That much is true, but it’s still better than being held here, trying desperately not to give Sara ideas but totally unsure how to get out of the situation. 

“Maybe it’s a way to find my soulmate,” he says, then winces as he watches her face shutter and her own brittle smile appear, quickly and carefully trying to cover for the flash of disappointment in her eyes. His mouth tastes sour when he sees that frozen smile; he did that. He shattered the happiness she was feeling. But in some ways, he can’t bring himself to care. 

He knows she thinks and hopes that something will happen to trigger a bond between them. She’s mentioned more than once that she sees them being together forever, bonded, in a small apartment with a chic Berlin vibe. The perfect fantasy of the perfect life, one she hopes and expects will involve both of them. One that she keeps trying to believe he buys into as well.

It’s not even like Matteo is trying to be an asshole; he’s never really subscribed to the idea of ‘one true soulmate and happy ever after’ and he’s never been shy of saying it. That doesn’t change the expectations everyone _ else _ has. That there’s one person, above all others, who’s intended for you. Who’s intended for him, prophesied by the damn mark etched onto his body.

It never sat well with Sara, knowing that he feels that way, but she keeps trying to push his feelings away with the force of her own belief. Keeps hoping that if she says it often enough she’ll make him want his soulmate and want it to be her. Every moment when he reminds her of his true thoughts is a moment she has to face the potential reality, and is then also a moment when she becomes even more fragile than usual, triggering his own deep guilt for doing that to her.

Like now; as she looks into his eyes, her own are moistened pools of betrayal, begging him to say something else, to turn the situation around the way he always does to appease her.

He doesn’t say anything else, lets silence grow between them.

The beat of the music swirls around them as they’re stopped dead, at an impasse, staring at each other. The emotions in Sara’s eyes are complex and difficult and Matteo’s sure something similar is reflected in his own. After a long, uncomfortable moment, she lets him go, reluctantly dropping her hands to her sides. He moves away with a relieved sigh. The talk of soulmates has unsettled him, and he runs his fingers over his mark to regain some balance. The small circular disc on his left wrist is warm under his fingers, the rough edges holding even more heat than the smooth center. 

He knows, without looking, that the quiet green will be shot through with silvery dark grey swirls. It’s been like that for days now; his soulmate happy and enjoying life, the silver a vivid and energetic proof of that joy. There’s a sour truth in this mark, though. Even with the knowledge that this person is having a good time right now and the relief that brings after some of the darker moments Matteo has seen over the last few months, Matteo hates it as much as he draws comfort from it. 

The idea that there is someone out there ‘for him’ - one he’s expected to find and make some sort of predestined bond with - clashes badly with the way he pushes against the mere idea of a predestined one-and-only soulmate for each person. He’s jealous, sometimes, of the people who have multiple marks for multiple soulmates, or the ones who make a mental connection and then find another one with someone else. He yearns, most of all, not to be romantically tied down to one person forever. Not the way his parents are, forced to stick together despite their fundamental differences.

Shaking off the melancholy these thoughts bring, and avoiding the middle of the apartment because Sara is right and he doesn’t want to socialize, Matteo makes his way to where he knows the boys will be.

“Eyyyyy, there he is!” Abdi cheers when he pushes open the bathroom door and slips inside. 

He leans back against the door, his eyes closed, and lets himself breathe in the quiet here. The wood is cold against his back, but it grounds him. His fingers are drawn once again to the small disc on his wrist and he runs his fingers around it for comfort again. With the muted thud of the music dying out, Matteo feels himself recentering, a small calm in this chaotic night.

He opens his eyes and looks over at the boys. They’re sharing a bong, clearly already mellowed from the hits they’ve taken. There’s a soft haze in the air, and mixed with the sudden change in music to a quieter, more rhythmic beat Matteo can already feel the soporific pull as he grins.

“Give me some of that,” he demands as he pushes his way into the bathtub and squishes in beside Jonas. On any normal day they’d protest, tease him for being such a damn entitled brat, but today Carlos just smiles, beatific, and passes it over.

The hit, when it comes, is a slow one. Matteo can feel the tension ebb out of his body, the lingering distaste about Sara making way in his limbs for the welcome release of the high that’s just around the corner. He sucks in again, feels his body settling even more into floppy comfort as he passes it on to Jonas.

They sit for a few minutes in silence, letting the haze wash over them and their bodies fill with the lazy drag of the smoke. It’s peaceful, and Matteo can almost imagine that they’re alone, four wanderers in a tub cast adrift from everyone else. That’s not a bad thing, he thinks as he leans his head back against the cool tiles behind him and blows out his latest hit. These three people are all he truly needs, after all. They’re his home, his _ family. _

“Why can’t _ we _ all be soulmates?” he muses, his eyes on the ceiling, fixated on the small cobweb that’s appeared in one corner. He’s fairly sure it wasn’t there last time he cleaned, but then he doesn’t usually look upwards, so maybe it’s been there a while. He’s so focused on the web, and zoned out from the boys, that he barely realizes that he’s spoken until a voice pierces the fog making him jump and look sideways to where the sound came from.

“No offense,” Jonas says, with a huge smile, and his laugh booming through the small confines of the room, “but you guys are the last people I’d want to have as soulmates.” He leans his head back against the wall and his smile softens as he adds, “I want something real. Romance, you know?”

Matteo’s heart freezes. It’s not that this is new information, obviously. But it’s certainly never been put so bluntly before. He’s the last person Jonas would want as a soulmate. Or one of the last. The pain that burns around his chest could be from the heat of the smoke, and pretending that’s the case gives Matteo something convenient to displace those feelings onto as he coughs. 

“Fuck that shit,” Matteo says, hears the ache bleeding into his voice and has to shut his eyes to try to force away the unwelcome sadness that floods over him. He thinks of Sara and all the expectations that come with her. “Platonic soulmates would be the best. Bonded without any of the hassle of that other shit.” 

_ That romance shit, _ he thinks but doesn’t say. 

Jonas’s look tells him he hears it anyway.

Carlos shakes his head, tips slightly sideways into Abdi who pushes him off, giggling. “No,” he says, nodding sagely as he rights himself. “The best would be one romantic and one platonic. That’s the best of all worlds.” There’s something smug in his tone, but Matteo doesn’t have the energy to roast him. Just because he’s found Kiki and knows there’s still another soulmate waiting out there for him doesn’t mean he’s better than the rest of them.

Matteo doesn’t even _ want _ to meet his. Not really.

It’s exhausting, just thinking of it and all the nauseating stuff with Sara and her expectations, and Matteo is regretting having ever brought it up when the door to the bathroom squeals as someone pushes it open. Matteo almost groans when he sees who it is popping his head around that doorframe.

David.

Of all the people he doesn’t want to see while thinking of soulmates. For a second, Matteo can’t hear what the others are talking about, because he’s too busy noticing that David is the best dressed person in the room, looking put-together in some tight black pants and a button down shirt. Matteo, on the other hand, is wearing a pair of his old loose jeans and a worn in hoodie, and he tries to push away the feeling that he should have tried more. But why should he? David’s just one of them, right? Matteo tries to look nonchalant, even while his entire body subtly reacts to David’s presence by drawing up and puffing out. Their eyes lock for a second and Matteo’s flick away from the intensity in David’s gaze before he’s even aware that it’s happened.

He sucks in a breath, shakily, and he can feel the tension tightening his body as he tries to look natural.

“David!” Jonas shouts joyfully, knocking Matteo off balance and wrestling with Abdi as he tries to get out of the tub to greet him. David just laughs as he moves further inside the room and shuts the door behind him.

“David, David, David,” Jonas continues once he’s out and has performed some sort of complicated handshake, which David seems to take part in with amused tolerance. “Daviiiid. We’re talking about soulmates. Come join us.”

He grabs David by the arm and tries to tug him to the tub. Matteo and Carlos shuffle, trying to make room in the cramped space, but David shakes his head.

“No thanks,” He says, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet as he looks at the array of boys in the bath. Matteo can’t exactly blame him; they’re not in much of a fit state right now. His headache has returned full force now that the weed has dissipated, and there’s a sour tinge to the lingering taste in his mouth. He can’t imagine what they must look like to David; Carlos giggling quietly to himself in the corner, Abdi staring at everyone in fascination and Jonas leaping over his own feet like a puppy.

And then there’s Matteo. Wasted and drowning in his own bitterness.

“But you’re coming to the soulbond party, right?” Jonas says, forcing Matteo’s attention back towards David. Which is a fucking mistake, because there’s his breath sucked right out of his body again when he sees David’s dark eyes intense on his own, and a small frown creasing his forehead. “That’s the biggest event of the year, the final hurrah for school.”

David lets his breath out quietly, turns his gaze towards Jonas, before he nods, once. “Yeah. They asked me to do the art for the advertising.” He stuffs his hands into his pockets and smiles. “I can’t keep away after that, right?”

David glances again in Matteo’s direction, then. And that shouldn’t make Matteo’s breath catch in his throat, or his heart thump just a little harder than before. But it does. All this talk of soulmates has made him suggestible, he thinks, grumpily. He may have had the slightest crush on David since the day they met just outside the Maths class he shares with Jonas, but that doesn’t mean he should be stupid about it.

Even so, as those eyes leave his own and David backs toward the door again, Matteo’s fingers slide onto the mark on his wrist. It’s burning hot now, a reminder that Matteo’s not in total control of himself. It gets like this sometimes when he’s flustered, and it’s totally unwelcome right now. He doesn’t want a soulmate, really doesn’t want to be tied down the way his parents have been, and yet… 

And yet, looking at David, and the curve of his back as he leaves the room, the idea isn’t as awful as it has sometimes appeared. And _ that _ thought is scary as fuck.

###  ** _David_ **

“Can we just… go home?”

“Home?” Laura asks with her eyebrows raised. She stands leaning in the hallway, sipping her drink, looking like she’s enjoying herself. “What - I thought you were going to hang with the boys?” 

David shrugs. Something jittery and restless is churning in his stomach. He had thought so, too. The guys are alright, and he was looking forward to spending some time with them. However, as he entered the bathroom where the boys sat sprawled in the bathtub, he was overwhelmed with too many contradictory signals. 

Jonas had been enthusiastic, the other guys high as fuck, and Matteo… Matteo had been a puzzle. 

That’s maybe not so strange, though. David doesn’t know Matteo that well. 

Not that it stops him from _ feeling _things. 

When Laura had a crush on Linn, David had found it so amusing. She'd been so easy to tease, especially when the girl proved to be hard to get. She’d blushed and stuttered, awkward around Linn in a way his poised sister hardly ever is. David had delighted in poking at those weaknesses, at the way Laura had been captive to those vulnerabilities. Now David himself has his first big... infatuation, or whatever this is, and it feels like everything is blurry. He can’t help watching Matteo every time they meet, observing his dark blond tousled hair, soft, serious lips, and deep blue eyes, blue like the ocean. 

David had felt a hint of this the first time Jonas dragged him to one of the school’s frequent parties and he’d spent the evening staring at the blond head across the room while nursing an increasingly warm beer, but it took some time before he finally admitted to himself what he has known all along, but has been too afraid to admit: He likes Matteo. _ A lot. _

He has pushed that thought far away, though, unwilling to explore what it might all mean, particularly when Matteo isn’t easy to read, his face so often impassive when they sit together and talk. 

And yeah, even though they are in the same friend group, and David mostly feels at ease with them all, he doesn’t really know Matteo that well. Weirdly enough, Matteo probably knows David better than David knows him. To be honest, David is a little surprised at the way he has allowed Matteo to see him as he is, more than he usually lets other people see him. One evening, when he was hanging with Jonas and Matteo, he had even told them that he was trans. 

David is still confused why he said it in the first place. He tends to keep things to himself, after all. Also, Matteo is goofy at times, and messy, and everything that’s different from David, and still… David just felt this connection with these boys that day, and especially Matteo. There was something, a strange feeling of kinship, a vulnerability in Matteo’s eyes, that dragged the words out of him.

Matteo didn’t really say anything to that, just looked at David quietly, nodded and continued with the conversation as usual. 

Matteo seldom says much around David. Just as he didn’t say much sitting there today, high as a kite, in the bathtub, either. 

David had heard him say something, though, just as he entered the bathroom; “Fuck that shit,” Matteo had said. “Platonic soulmates would be the best. Bonded without any of the hassle of that other shit.” 

So, Matteo doesn’t like the idea of romantic soulmates, then. Still, it confuses David, because just as Matteo said this it was almost as if David could pick up something else, too. Some sort of anger, at society, maybe. A feeling of being cornered, and a resistance to what was expected. A longing. It was kinda weird. 

And when Matteo noticed him, their eyes met, and David was floored by the mixed signals he gave out. It was an impression rather than anything else, but there was a strong push-and-pull, his emotions stuttering between two extremes. _ Go away _ and _ I like you _. It was weird. Maybe it was a result of David’s feeling of being an outsider, or something. He often felt like he was on the outside. Part of it was because he was new in this school of course, but he was well aware that it was about more than that. 

“Hey, where did you go?” Laura asks, pulling him out of his thoughts. There’s a small knowing smile on her lips; David is almost sure she’s picked up that he likes someone, even if she’s not sure who. He’s not looking forward to the day when she really knows; after his own antics with her, David knows he’s not going to get away without some retribution. In some ways he can’t blame her.

She finishes her drink and puts the empty glass down, the amused smile fading into something softer. Her eyes show the kind of gentle concern their godmother has. Laura lays her hand lightly on David’s shoulder, and instead of flinching like he sometimes does, he is soothed by it. “Did someone say something wrong, or what?” She leaves her hand on his shoulder and speaks with such a soft voice David feels her words calming him more by the way they are said than the actual words.

“No, they were fine,” he shrugs. “I just didn’t feel like smoking. Also, I got this feeling that Matteo didn’t want me there. I think. He’s hard to read sometimes.”

A small, crooked smile grows on Laura’s face. “Ah, you like him so much, it’s not even funny.”

Ugh. She does already know, then. It’s payback time, it seems. 

David sighs, tries to put her off even as he knows it’s probably useless. “It doesn’t matter. I think Matteo has this thing going on with Sara. Also, he has a soulmark. I don’t. It’s pretty clear that we wouldn’t work, in the end.”

“Soulmarks aren’t everything.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

Laura can afford to be cocky, after all. She has been dating her soulmate for half a year already. 

David has seen no sign of any soulmark on his body though, or felt any sign of a soulmate of any other kind, for that matter. Maybe he’s not meant to have one. 

“What if I don’t have a soulmate, at all?” he asks, a little surprised by the sudden vulnerability in his own voice. This has never been a _ thing _ with him before, after all.

Laura cocks her head, and looks at him closer. “Don’t be so dramatic. Maybe you just don’t know about it yet. You might have a mental mark, David, just like Linn and me.”

Yeah. Well. If he could choose, David would rather have a physical mark, just like Matteo’s. If nothing else, it’s beautiful to look at with the silver whirling around in the peaceful green. Sometimes, David can’t help staring at the swirls in the mark, mesmerized, even though he knows it’s not polite. It’s so small it shouldn’t attract his attention, just an inch across, and yet his eyes are constantly finding it.

“Where does all of this come from, David?” Laura asks, putting an arm around his shoulder. “I didn’t think you liked the idea of soulmates at all.”

And yeah, that’s partly true. “I guess,” David sighs. “I’m just in a weird mood. I don’t know.” He looks at all the people partying around him, takes in the chatter and laughter, and suddenly feels exhausted. “Do you want to stay longer?” he asks, giving her a chance to stay, if she wants to.

“No, it’s okay, we can go home,” Laura smiles. “Just don’t think you can escape my questions that easily.”

David laughs, hears the promise of an interrogation about Matteo. “We’ll see about that.” 

In the end, they walk home after saying goodbye to Hans and Linn (or, in Laura’s case, kissing her enthusiastically), chatting about everything and nothing, and it’s quite alright. Laura doesn’t broach the subject of his crush again, and David is grateful, even though he knows it’s only a matter of time. Instead, Laura talks about Linn and what it’s like to have a soulmate, how long it took before they were aware they were bonded. How lonely and isolated Laura had felt before it had happened. David’s sure there’s some hidden message in behind her words, but he’s too tired and out of sorts to work through it. It doesn’t matter, anyway. Laura’s not one to let it go with just one small hint; he’s going to hear about this again for sure.

When they get home, David goes to bed at once, and spends the rest of the weekend drawing a little and going for runs. It’s kind of a relief, not to be hungover at all. 

He decides that it was a smart move to leave the party early. He only has a few weeks left before graduating, and the wisest thing to do is to keep his head down and just... get through it all without too much hassle. Maybe something like that was simmering in his head when he’d left the bathroom. Spending too much time with Matteo feels like a bad idea.

On Monday morning, David goes to school, determined to focus on his classes, and nothing much more than that. Get through, get out. That’s the plan. He puts his headphones on and walks through the halls, minding his own business.

Then he notices Matteo, walking in the opposite direction. And in those seconds before their eyes meet, it strikes David that he almost never encounters Matteo on his own. He’s always with his friends. This feels like something significant, meeting alone.

David watches him, and Matteo hasn't seen him yet so David gazes freely while music fills his ears. It confuses him a little, how drawn he feels to Matteo. He’s always thought he’d fall for someone with a little more aesthetic flare, perhaps. Matteo is maybe not particularly special looking. Sure, he looks fantastic, but he’s also a mess, in a way. Always wearing his wide jackets, oversize sweaters and grandpa hats, always making funny faces, always being a little goofy. 

To David, however, Matteo stands out from everybody else. There's _ something _about Matteo, a slight confidence and inflated ego coupled with a strange melancholy, that has David muddling his words and blushing whenever he's around. 

Matteo locks his eyes with him, and.

It’s like David’s heart stops in its tracks. Then it speeds up. 

_ Fuck _, will he ever stop reacting like this? David realizes that he probably should greet Matteo, so he stops, and pulls down his headphones. 

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Not much. I’m good. What’s up with you?” Matteo’s voice is hoarse. 

And it’s weird, because in that moment, it’s almost like there’s also something else behind Matteo’s words. There’s an impression of awkwardness, pleasure, not knowing what to say. A whisper that feels like _ I like you. _ It feels like David’s own feelings, but it’s weirdly distanced. As if being near Matteo has muffled his emotions, pushed them out and away from his body. David jitters, feeling off center and twitchy. It also seems like it’s coming from Matteo, his emotions reflecting David’s. His feelings clear in his body. Now, David thinks of himself as a pretty observant guy. He notices things, like people’s gestures and actions and what they say without saying it. This is _ something else _, though. It’s like Matteo’s intentions are broadcast directly to him, with no filter. 

_ What the fuck? _

“I’m good,” David says, carefully, trying to work his way through this thing. Trying to figure out what’s his and what’s Matteo’s and what’s real and what’s just David’s overactive imagination. “It was a great party.”

“Yeah,” Matteo smiles. “You missed the police showing up, though. I had to hide the weed. I’ll fix it, though.”

There’s another wash of those weirdly distanced emotions. Something that says,_ shouldn’t have left. _ A sense of _ something fucked up. Something unfixable. _

David blinks. That _ can’t _ be his; he wasn’t at that part of the party so it must be Matteo’s. But it’s so vague that David can’t be sure it’s even happening. He blinks carefully, trying to chase the feeling, but then Matteo’s body slips into something more relaxed, and the weird feelings David has slip away. He blinks again, shaken. “Wow, right. The police, huh?”

Matteo shrugs, and smiles a small smile. “Yeah, it was wild. Shit happens, I guess. Well, I gotta go to class. See you later?”

David tries to listen, or sense, or what the fuck he’s doing, but he doesn’t pick up anything else. _ What is this? _ It doesn’t fit any description of a mental mark, and it’s not like he picks up Matteo’s thoughts, not really, but it’s like he picks up _ something _, anyway? Like something unaware, or unconscious?

He notices that Matteo looks at him with a frown. He’s probably waiting for an answer.

“Uh, yeah, see you later,” David nods, quickly, and moves on, with a thousand questions spinning around in his head.

As he goes to class, he wonders _ what the fuck _that was, and then he shakes his head, telling himself it must be because of his overly active imagination. His mom always told him that he had a “rich inner fantasy life”, whatever that means. It probably means that he often has his head in the clouds, which is true, at least sometimes. 

This whole weird feeling with Matteo was probably just his fantasy. He’d better forget it, and focus on things that matter, like finishing school. Yeah. 

He slides into the back of the classroom, without being noticed by most of his classmates. Just like he prefers it. He’ll be focused and he’ll keep his head down, and he’ll forget about deep blue eyes, messy hair and weird sensations, and maybe he’ll manage to get out of this school and this place without everything getting fucked up. 

Good plan. 


	2. Myth one: “Your one true soulmate is predetermined” (part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! We can't wait to post chapter two, so here we are! To be honest, we have decided to post on Thursdays, rather than Fridays, so watch for this every Thursday (ish).
> 
> Again, thank you to our supporters and beta helpers, including [i-am-a-fairytale](https://i-am-a-fairytale.tumblr.com/) and [saveitforthesongs](saveitforthesongs.tumblr.com). Your help means a lot! 
> 
> Please please let us know what you think, if you have thought or questions about this story. ;)

**Matteo**

For Matteo, the Monday after the party is not a particularly memorable day. It starts as most Mondays do, with apathy and a need to drag himself through his classes. It continues in the same vein and remains bland and uninteresting until he spots David in the hallway and time slows around him. Matteo’s eyes move as if of their own volition, dragging his gaze up towards David’s face. His dark hair, pressed down for once under a set of headphones, frames a pensive look which is strangely beautiful as it sits across the planes of his face, shadowed and throwing his jawline and cheekbones into harsh relief as the hallway’s lights fall over it, but all the more appealing for that. 

David’s all in black today, and Matteo has learned already that means that he’s feeling somewhat distant. It’s his disguise. Matteo respects that; having something to disappear into, into which one can pretend to dissolve flesh, is something he’s long been cultivating himself. Recognising the desire to lose the self in shapeless and featureless clothing makes Matteo feel a connection between them. His soulmark sparks heat, drawing his eye to its intensely-energetic swirls and reminding him that he’s flushed with warmth just from seeing David.

This idea flusters Matteo enough that when David drags the headphones off his ears and smiles his greeting, Matteo ends up stuttering awkwardly through a conversation that means something and nothing. There’s an undertone to it, which is filled with Matteo’s own barely-acknowledged longing for connection. David, too, seems nervy and twitchy, leaving a buzzing energy fizzing in Matteo’s veins and catching his breath in his throat.

That breath doesn’t restart until David is far in the distance, his back disappearing around a corner and taking him out of Matteo’s sight. The impact of being the sole recipient of the intensity of David’s eyes is sharp and leaves Matteo shaky in its wake. It hadn’t really occurred to him, but they’ve never truly been alone before, just the two of them; any conversations always happen with the buffer of the other boys or Leonie.

In some ways, that makes this conversation special. In others, Matteo kicks himself for the deeply awkward silences and the bleeding of his anxieties into the spaces between the words so they almost shouted louder than the banal conversation about police and weed. Because, sadly, the fact that Matteo had an actual conversation with David, however short and unsatisfactory, is probably far more significant to him than to David. That thought leaves a sour note in his head and he forces himself to shake off the tension that the chance meeting pulled into his bones.

Withdrawing his eyes from the spot around which David disappeared, Matteo turns back to his day. It becomes once again featureless and drab, and yet the memory of David’s eyes, so warm and brown and  _ interested _ despite the awkwardness, remains long after the encounter is over.

As he walks, and without conscious thought, Matteo’s fingers once again drift to his soulmark. It’s warm again, a sheen of sweat gleaming over the delicate colours when he glances down. He scowls. The green is shimmering quietly, whether from the sweat or because of whatever his soulmate is feeling, but the silver is all but gone, the only hint of it is a grey that shades the green darker near the edges of the mark. Whoever is represented on this mark, then, is not as happy now as he has been recently. 

He or  _ she, _ Matteo reminds himself fiercely as his fingers glide around the roughened edges. If this is the platonic soulmate Matteo desperately hopes it is, rather than the romantic one everyone assumes for him, then it could be  _ she _ . 

The bell shrills, loud in his ears, and he mutters out a quick, “fuck,” as his feet pick up more quickly than his head on the need for him to hasten towards his class, and propel him along the hallway. 

Not that it’ll help. He knows already that he’ll be late. 

He huffs out an irritated breath as he breaks into a stumbling jog, hoping that for once he’ll manage to avoid the consequences of arriving after class has started.

Matteo falls, panting, into the only seat left available in the room when he arrives, next to Amira who shoots him an irritated glare as he drops his head onto his arms. His chest is heaving, his legs aching and his breath is not cooperating at all, sticking in his chest and coming out in rasping gasps. That’s surely punishment enough for lingering in the hallways obsessing over a fucking gorgeous boy who’s not even giving him a second thought.

Unfortunately, the teacher doesn’t agree and soon Matteo senses rather than hears her approach, the sun he can feel on his face as it streams through the classroom window blocked out by a cool chill and a dark shadow as she moves next to his seat. He groans quietly into his arms before dragging his head up to look at her.

“Matteo,” she begins and it’s all he can do to keep the smile on his face moderately pleasant, and to stop the groan becoming audible, as the tone of her voice sinks in. “You’re late. Again.”

“Yes,” he agrees, brazening it out in the hopes that she’ll go easier on him.

Her smile, however, suggests she’s enjoying his discomfort. “You’re late, so you have no choice of study partner. Amira here will work with you.”

She smirks as she moves off to address the whole class amid the loud protests of not only Matteo but Amira too.

“Shit,” she mutters as she flips the pages of her notes aggressively and glares sideways at Matteo. “I sat here for a reason.”

Flip.

“I was going to work alone.”

Flip flip. 

“Because none of the rest of you”

Flip.

“has any clue about,”

Flip. 

“any of this.” 

Flip flip  _ flip. _

“And  _ you,” _ she shoots another angry glare at him out of the corner of her eye, “are the worst of them all.”

She’s hissing to herself as she aggressively keep flipping pages, but it’s immediately obvious that it’s all directed at Matteo. Which isn’t exactly fair; this isn’t his fault. He was only late; he didn’t  _ ask  _ to be made her partner. But one thing Matteo has learned over the last year or two is that Amira in this mood is unlikely to appreciate conciliatory advances and Matteo is as likely to get his head bitten off, or worse be subject to her biting sarcasm, as to have any sort of meaningful conversation. So he shrugs, opens his own book, and tries as hard as he can to blend into the background.

His breath settles slowly, and eventually he’s able to take in what is happening around him. When he does work it out, he internally groans even harder. Why is his world suddenly filling up with soulmate crap? Today’s lesson is on the biological differences between the types of soul marks, which just serves to remind Matteo that he’s stuck with the sort that forces him into a bond with one singular person, usually a romantic bond. Even with the reminder that biology has a hand in it, that there are scientific forces at play and that it’s considered lucky to have a mark like his, Matteo is disgruntled.

It’s like the universe is forcing him to notice his mark. It’s forcing him to face the predestined mumbo jumbo about his damn future. 

Over and over and over again.

He wishes it would fucking stop.

By the next day, Amira has stopped throwing filthy looks at him and is instead looking at him with a long-suffering pity as she quizzes him before class.

“What is the reason why there are different types of marks?”

“I don’t know,” Matteo mutters, still half asleep because last night hadn’t been easy, and bad dreams had plagued what little sleep he did get. “Because we needed some diversity?”

“Look,” she says, shutting the book with a snap and turning to face him full on. “I need to do well in this course and you are  _ not _ going to get in the way of that. I won’t let you. So. Pay attention and stop being an asshole.”

Groaning, Matteo sits up and tries to focus on what she’s saying. He manages to get out some approximation of the correct answer, but even so, she repeats what the book has to say, reading aloud. 

“The differences in soul marks; physical, mental and sensory,” she reads, “are thought to hail back to an evolutionary moment when humans were spread far across the globe with little interaction between disparate groups. Thus, those with mental marks generally bond with others with the same, while those with marks etched into their skin find others with similar brands. Sensory bonds, the most rare, usually occur with others of the same type, but these bonds are also the most likely of the three to form with either of the other types. However, matches between different mark types are so rare as to be effectively nonexistent even given that sensory bonds can cross with both other types.”

She stops and looks over at him. “Got that?” she asks, pushing his foot with her own. “It’s evolutionary.”

“Yeah,” he mutters, thankful for once when the teacher enters the room and Amira’s attention drops away from him. “I got it.”

The fucking universe hates him; that’s what he got out of that. 

They’re packing up when she speaks to him again, dropping her hands off her backpack and turning her whole body to him with a smile somewhere between genuine and calculating as she says his name. Matteo freezes and squints at her, suspicion flooding his body. 

“You’re free on Friday night, right?” she asks quietly and Matteo can feel the squint get even more intense.

“Not really,” he says, stuffing his own final book back into his bag to avoid holding her gaze.

“Matteo. Lying in your bed smoking shit and moping about whatever it is you mope about doesn’t count.”

He huffs, rolls his eyes.

“What do you want?”

She shrugs. “We need extra people for the school soulmate party planning,” she says. “You should come. You and the other boys. Kiki’s organised it, so you know Carlos will have to go, and David’s doing some art.”

“No offense, Amira, but that doesn’t sound like my sort of thing.”

_ Liar _ , his brain screams at him. As soon as she mentioned David, Matteo knew he’d be going. He just can’t make it too easy for her, otherwise she might figure it out. Not that he’s quite willing to face head-on what it is she might work out.

“How will you know if you don’t try?” she asks. “Besides, we need someone with tech skills, and unfortunately that’s you.”

Feeling a spike of pleasure at the compliment, however backhanded, Matteo still shrugs. Pretends to be noncommittal. “I don’t know. I’ll have to see what the others want to do.”

Amira rolls her eyes and pushes past him and out of the room. “You’ll be missing out if you don’t go. Try to have a little actual fun for once.”

Matteo’s never been a huge social butterfly (which has always made Hans’s nickname for him somewhat ironic), but this sort of thing is always worse than usual. Unlike a party where there’s beer and sometimes weed, at places like this there are just  _ people. _ As a general rule, Matteo actually likes people; he enjoys company and laughter and teasing. Just, he likes them in small doses and in ways and places that he chooses. And he likes them when he’s at least a little lubricated with beer or some other substance.

Not in large rooms filled with strangers and near strangers. Not when his boys all whined when he asked them to come too. Not when the only people he knows greeted him excitedly at the door and then moved inside, from where he can hear giggles and some loud voices.

He leans back on the wall outside the door and sighs. This might be easier if he was feeling better, but he’s not. His limbs feel weighed down as if he’s wading through slimy muck and can’t make himself get through it.

The lethargy is almost overwhelming, and Matteo half wonders if Amira suggested he come to this damn planning session just because she wants to get him out of his room more, and not because of his so-called tech skills. That she’s asked him here because she cares for his wellbeing, not necessarily what’s good for the planning.

The thought should make him warm, make him feel a happiness and connectedness. But it doesn’t, not quite. Still. There’s one good thing about the idea. The slow growing trust between the two of them  _ could _ be the sign of a bond; the book Amira was reading from had mentioned this as the most common way for a platonic soulmate to appear. Amira also has a mark on her arm, so it’s possible; plausible even. The fact that she cares so obviously, even through the mild exasperation he always seems to inspire in her,  _ is _ a beautiful thing and there’s a second of happiness as he thinks about it.

But then he sees Sara approaching, the lethargy returns and he’s just tired. Tired of doing this, tired of pretending.

Tired of Sara.

“Hey,” she says as she gets nearer to him. Her arm hovers, fingers reaching towards his waist before she catches herself and they curl inwards into her palm and she clears her throat uncomfortably as she pulls the hand back.

In no mood to reassure her when he’s so out of sorts himself, Matteo smiles, weak and brittle, but turns his head away. He catches a glimpse of her face, and the way her lips press tightly together as he does so, and he feels all the guilt of that. He shrugs, trying to push it away.  _ It’s not my fault, _ he reminds himself.  _ I didn’t ask her to create her fantasy soulbond thing about me. _

She hesitates for a few moments, her eyes flickering up to his face once again, before she pushes the door open and slips inside. Matteo leans back against the wall next to it, sighs his relief. It can’t be a good sign when he’s this relieved when she leaves his presence. He pulls out a smoke, lights up and drags the crisp tang of the nicotine into his lungs. Closes his eyes to savour the feeling, then looks to the sky when he blows the smoke out.

When he drops his eyes again, David is standing in front of him, a light smile in the corners of his lips and a tilt of amusement to his head. Matteo’s breath catches in his throat, and he can’t help the smile that creeps onto his own lips in response.

**David**

David checks his phone for the third time in four minutes. He knows where he’s going, though, and the time is just right. He walks over to the school building with the well-known mix of anticipation and dread. He doesn’t particularly like gatherings like this. The crowd of people can be so tiring, with all the people and their looks, and questions. Probably why his colours are black and muted today as well, allowing him to hide in plain sight. It’s been like that a lot lately, he realises. The muted dark colours reflecting something going on in his head.

He checks his phone again. No message. Not that he’s been expecting anything, but it’s almost the time of their meeting and he’s stalling. He approaches the entrance, and notices Matteo, standing next to the door, his head leaning back and smoke billowing from his lips. Seeing him makes something flutter in David’s stomach. He can’t help smiling when he sees the way Matteo stands against the wall, looking quite reluctant to be here. He blows out one last puff, then drops his gaze and looks David straight in the eyes, a smile flickering onto his face and immediately transforming it. It’s enough to take his breath away, so he covers by smiling, trying to act confident.

“Hey, what’s up?” David says. “Are you stalling from going into the meeting, or something?” 

“Hi. Yeah.” Matteo looks at him with those deep blue eyes that can tell a whole story just by looking into them. “I didn’t really plan to come, but Amira asked me to help with some… stuff.” 

“Cool. I’m helping, too.”

“With art for the advertising,” Matteo nods, and straightens up. 

“Uhm, yeah.” David tears his eyes from Matteo’s face, a little surprised that Matteo had heard him explain this at the party, and that he remembers it. “Should we go inside?”

“I guess.” Matteo opens the door, and David follows. 

Inside, there are a lot of people already. They are purposeful or chatting to each other, and others are just sitting there, staring at the girls at the front of the room. As David looks around the room, some of the eyes turn his way. Ugh, he would rather be somewhere else. With someone that he knows well. A group of someones. His herd. That's just the way he's wired. Right now, he doesn’t have much of a herd, though. 

Matteo finds a place to sit down, and David sits down next to him. 

Matteo is fiddling with his jacket, looking around with a scowl on his face. ”Shouldn’t we get started?”

There’s a flash of those distanced emotions again. A wish to get it over with, and be somewhere else. David gets a distinct feeling that Matteo perhaps feels just as uncomfortable with this setting as he does. 

What is going on? David frowns. Whatever it is, it’s interesting. Matteo has mostly seemed like a guy who floats around with whatever happens, as someone who finds a space wherever he is. This is definitely a new side to him. At least it is to David.

“Hi, everyone!” Kiki speaks up from the front of the room, looking excited. “Are you ready to plan the best school soulbond party ever?”

The response from the group is far from enthusiastic, and she starts to look nervous, her eyes darting from side to side and her feet shuffling. Still, she manages to explain the goal of the meeting, and David puts on a polite and interested face. He hates to see people squirm like this, and he doesn’t have to make it worse. Even if there are occasionally barely disguised groans from seats nearby, and Matteo is twitching on the seat next to him.

He tunes out her speech for a moment, but then he notices that Matteo tenses up next to him and his finger twists tighter in his jacket, so David refocuses quickly enough to catch that Kiki is talking about doing some trust exercises.

Matteo looks a little pale as he leans closer. “Do you want to get out of here?”

There’s panic now, a sense that he’s  _ gotta get out. _ Which is odd, because outwardly Matteo is calm and there’s a small smile around his lips. He doesn’t look anxious apart from the difference in his colour. 

“Uh, why?”

“I mean, this is mostly bullshit. Doing this soulmate love circle thing. You know, holding hands.” Matteo pauses, looks down at David’s hands with a small quirk of his mouth. “Unless you feel like doing something like that.”

And it’s not like David’s picking up actual thoughts, it’s more like a pull, like an urgent need for him to  _ please come.  _

David blinks, confused by the words Matteo says, and the hidden meanings streaming at him.  _ Hands _ . Matteo has nice hands, David notices irrelevantly as Matteo drags them out of his pockets as he starts to stand up. 

The decision isn’t hard. It’s not like he needs to be here, anyway. The girls can text him if they want to talk about the advertising.

“Uhm, no,” he says. “We can leave.”

Matteo gives him a crooked smile. “Cool.” 

As everybody gets up, the two of them sneak out into the back. They lock eyes for just a moment, and Matteo looks mirthful and weirdly pleased. This time, David doesn’t have any special abilities or whatever it is, to pick up the unspoken  _ thank fuck we’re out of there; _ the meaning is evident in Matteo’s whole body _ . _ His obvious delight makes David feel just a little more lost, and a little more at home, at the same time. 

David shuts the door quietly after them. They stare at each other, and then Matteo takes out a joint from his pocket. “Wanna share this?” he asks.  _ Don’t go. _

“Uhm, sure,” David nods, and pushes down the jittery feeling in his stomach. This sensation of reading whatever is flowing off Matteo is getting stronger. But it’s not like any mental mark David has ever heard of. He knows that some soulmates are telepathic, and can read each other’s mind, and other sense each other’s feelings. But this doesn’t really seem like that at all, and besides… Matteo has a physical mark. Mental marks and physical marks don’t go together. That can’t be what’s happening here. 

They go down the hallway, and the movement calms him somewhat. “You really don’t like meetings like this, do you?” he asks.

Matteo just smiles and shrugs. 

They find a nice spot not far from where Matteo stood before, and light up in silence. 

The first hit makes some of David’s nerves ease, but he still doesn’t quite know what to say. Everything seems so strange, almost like he’s in a dream. Is he really sensing something that stems from Matteo? What’s going on? He just can’t understand it. And it frightens him, not knowing like this. 

“It’s weird how it all ends soon, right?” Matteo asks, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Uh, how?” David asks. 

Matteo shrugs. “It’s just… not long until we graduate.” 

David picks up a wish for things to slow down, and for time to stretch out forever, and isn’t that a familiar feeling? 

Matteo smokes in silence for a moment. Then: “It feels like you just started here. I actually don’t think you ever told me why you suddenly started here.”

“Yeah? Why?” David can’t help sounding a little short. He has spent so much time avoiding questions that they make him feel nervous. 

“Just curious,” Matteo says.

David shrugs, and tries to avoid further questions with a joke. The sensing thing is getting a little intense and he tries to push it away somehow. “I had to move. I killed someone, and had to go into hiding.”

Matteo gives one of his crooked smiles. “So you’ve had some hassle with your parents?”

David can’t help the grin that’s pulled onto his face at that. “Yeah. That’s why I had to kill them.”

Matteo laughs a little. “Right.  So, you don’t mind cutting corners to get what you want? What’s the moral in that?”  _ Can I trust you? _

David shuts his eyes, only for a moment. This whole picking-up-meaning behind Matteo’s words is getting a bit tiring, because it makes David too aware of the meanings behind his  _ own  _ words, too. It’s like he can’t ignore what he’s really saying to Matteo, or wanting to say.

He shrugs. “Well morals sometimes depend on the viewer, I guess.”

It seems to take a while before Matteo takes in what he says. He takes another drag from the joint. Then he nods. “People can make everything about morals, even when it’s more about… I don’t know, taste. Like, if you’re a dog person you gotta hate cat people.” 

David huffs a laugh. “Yeah.”

Matteo looks at him closely. “Do you like cats or dogs better?”

David can’t hold his gaze.  “If someone likes cats or dogs, it shouldn’t  be questioned or judged. I like both cats and dogs.” He has a strange feeling that he’s talking about more than cats and dogs. He’s not sure if Matteo picks that up too. If he even  _ wants _ him to. 

“That’s cool,” Matteo mutters, after a little silence. The emotions bleeding in now are jumbled and chaotic, but David picks up something defensive about preferences behind the way Matteo says, “I like cats better, but I don’t mind if people like different things. I just wish… nobody cared what I like.”

_ Just let me be. _

David can’t ignore the honesty in his voice. He stares at Matteo’s face, and the messy hair framing his blue eyes. Fuck, he’s beautiful. 

“You’ve got an eyelash there,” he says, and points at Matteo’s cheek.

Matteo picks up the eyelash on his finger, and looks at it, like it’s a mystery. “I’ve heard you can make a wish with an eyelash,” he says. “Does it mean that I can make a wish?”

David stares into the air, trying to block out the unspoken question in Matteo’s voice. Trying to ignore everything that’s swirling under the words he’s saying. He doesn’t believe in wishes coming true. Not without hard work and painful sacrifices. He can’t say that, though. 

“I don’t know.”

“I’m pretty sure they say you can make a wish on an eyelash,” Matteo insists. 

“It’s just an eyelash.”

“Okay.”

Something in Matteo voice makes David look at him. Matteo shrugs and smiles a little, but he looks sad. That melancholy that sometimes floods Matteo’s face is there, sitting as a vulnerability in the corners of his mouth and the creases of his brows. For some reason, this is important to Matteo, and for some reason, David can’t deny him this. 

“What would you wish for? If eyelashes did gift wishes?” he asks.

Matteo suddenly looks uncertain, and he looks away. “I don’t know. To go away, maybe.”

_ Away. _ There’s a strong sense of  _ longing, _ to be gone and  _ not here. _

David leans back to the wall, smiling. He can relate to that feeling. 

“Yeah to get away.”

“And where would you go?”

David frowns. All these questions; they’re stressing him out. He’s not used to being  _ this _ exposed. They’re seemingly innocent questions, but they hit too close to his deeper wishes. “I don’t know, it’s your eyelash,” he says.

Matteo looks at him with a small smile. "Yeah, I guess I would just go anywhere. Just get in a car and get away.”

David can’t fight the fantasy anymore, it’s too close to home. He smiles at the idea. “Yeah, just get in a car and go to Detroit.”

“Detroit?”

“Yeah, it’s the best music city ever,” he grins. 

Matteo looks at him with wide eyes and a half-open mouth. “Cool.” He looks like he’s about to ask about something, when they’re interrupted.

“Yo, guys!”

David startles as three figures approach them. 

Carlos and Abdi greet them with wide smiles and Jonas puts his arm around Matteo. “Hi, are you guys having a break?”

Matteo and David look at each other. 

“Yeah, a break,” Matteo mutters. His gaze flicks back towards David’s and there’s a small mischievous smile in his eyes. He can read in those eyes their shared disinterest in the exercises that Kiki was running and can’t help smiling back.

“Come on,” Carlos interrupts, “Kiki’s going to kill me for being so late. And I bet Sara isn’t so pleased that you’re out here, Matteo? Let’s go inside.”

_ Right _ . It’s like Matteo’s and David’s bubble of a talk bursts, and David is reminded of the reality. They’re just a group of friends. Matteo’s off limits. He has a girlfriend, and even a soul mark that tells him that he’s not for David. 

“Sure,” David says, and watches as Matteo’s smile fades.

And that’s it. David and Matteo follow Carlos, Jonas and Abdi and go inside again. They get some annoyed looks from the girls, but apart from that, everything is going pretty smoothly. David gets sucked into the planning and doesn’t get to talk much more with Matteo that evening. Which is probably a good thing. Still, he can’t help feeling a little disappointed, as if he has lost something.

Even if he’s not sure what. 


	3. Myth 2: “A heterosexual, monogamous relationship is the only way to go” (part one)

###  ** _David_ **

David makes his eighth turn in the sports hall. As he’s running, he has no worries, no homework, no people expecting things, no nagging sister - it’s just him and the floor under him. He moves with robotic precision but organic fluidity, step after step. After ten turns he’s warmed up, stress-free and ready for the rest of his Sunday class.

David knows some of the other classmates murmur about being here on a Sunday, but he really doesn’t mind exercising at all. The only thing he minds is that Sara and Leonie seem determined to get to know him better. They are sweet girls, but their attention is a little much sometimes, particularly Leonie’s. 

Sara catches his attention when she mentions Matteo’s name. 

“I don’t get him,” she sighs, as she stretches. Her face has a vulnerability that’s almost painful to watch. “I texted him about meeting today, but he just doesn’t answer.”

Leonie gives her a long look. “He’s really giving you mixed signals, babe. Is it worth it?”

Sara’s expression softens. “He’s so sweet, Leonie, especially when we’re one on one. I just can’t stop hoping that he wants more. Even if we’re not soulmates right now, maybe we can become soulmates, anyway? We both have marks, and they’re both active now. You know that could mean that we’re going to bond soon.” 

David is pretty sure that’s not how the marks work. As far as he knows, there is more to bonding than having active marks. He stretches out in silence and makes sure not to comment. He doesn’t quite know what the conversation makes him feel. He can’t deny that he almost feels relief at the thought that Matteo avoids Sara. At the same time, avoiding people doesn’t really strike him as a good trait to have. 

It’s relatable, though. And David can’t really talk, not after he ditched the boys in the bath at the party.

“It’s not like he knows who his soulmate is, right?” Leonie asks. 

“No. He thinks he’s never met whoever it is. So, why not take a chance with me?”

Leonie sighs. “Can you give us a boy’s perspective, David?” she asks, standing right in front of him all of a sudden. “Don’t you think Matteo’s kind of an asshole, being so hard to read?”

_ Damn _ . 

“I don’t know,” David mutters, avoiding her eyes but hiding it with a weak smile. “I can’t know what Matteo is thinking.”

“Maybe he has other things on his mind,” Sara says, with a hopeful tone in her voice. “I know he has some family issues. Not that he’s given me details, but… he’s more than what meets the eye.” 

Leonie scoffs. “Doesn’t excuse him from being an asshole, girl.”

“Matteo’s not an asshole. He’s not pushy like other boys, and he’s kind. It’s just that he’s a little difficult to read.” 

“You should confront him,” Leonie says abruptly. “If he doesn’t answer you, you can always talk to him at school, or something.”

Sara nods, looking even more hopeful. “I suppose I can do that.”

David hums something noncommittal, stretches, and decides to move away from the girls a little, and ignore them as they continue talking, to stay out of the discussion and to focus on his training. 

He really doesn’t want to be part of this. 

It’s difficult to stop thinking about Matteo, though. It’s almost annoying how Matteo sticks in his mind.  There’s just something in the way Matteo smiles that’s so hard to forget. There’s something about the openness in his eyes. And the way he looks at David, like David has all the answers. David really shouldn’t think about Matteo like this, though. He’s off limits. His newly active physical mark brands him as being ‘not for David’.  The thought makes David push himself a little harder, just to make the signals from his body wipe out his thoughts and questions. He works out until his body screams and salty drops of sweat invade his eyes. 

After the training, David’s legs are empty and there’s a rising feeling of nausea from his stomach. His sweaty t-shirt clings to his back. It never ceases to amaze him that the muscles that were working so hard only seconds ago now struggle to hold his weight. He waves goodbye to the others and staggers out to have a shower and get dressed, feeling strangely pleased to have been able to control his muscles and his movements. Even his mind. This is the new him, and he’s in control.

He spends the rest of the afternoon and evening at home, with Laura. They watch one of his favourite movies, and even though Laura talks a little during it, David doesn’t mind. It’s just good to get his mind off everything else for a little while.

With the emphasis on  _ little. _

As the characters’ love story unfolds, Laura starts to get restless.  She is draped over the sofa in their tiny apartment, but now she moves, and sighs. 

David stares at the screen, trying to ignore her, but, just as he has anticipated, Laura speaks up again. 

“These stories are so corny,” she complains. “They’re totally ignoring people with soulmate dysfunctions, for instance. And why can’t we ever get something other than straight, monogamous relationships?”

David smiles a small smile. “You’re in a monogamous relationship, too, Laura. That’s pretty… common.”

Laura snorts. “Well, at least I’m not straight. And at least I realize that finding your soulmate can be about more than this.” She waves her hand towards the screen in disdain.

“I thought you tried to tell me that soulmates are  _ da shit _ , and that I could have a soulmate, the other day? At the party?” David presses. 

“Well it’s pretty nice to have a soulmate or two,” Laura admits. “And I guess that’s why I hope you’ll experience it. But it’s not just the way they present it in all these movies.”

David feels protective all of a sudden. “This movie isn’t the worst of them. At least they stay away from some of the worst cliches.”

“I know.” Laura sighs again. “I guess it just annoys me that they present these stories that are so far from reality. You never see ace stories on tv either, even if I’ve told you the statistics-”

“Yes Laura, you have-”

“An entire 60% of soulbonds are platonic.” 

“And a lot less platonic bonds are classified as dysfunctional, compared to the romantic ones.  _ I know _ ,” David recites, rolling his eyes. “You’re preaching to the choir, Laura. I know this.”

Laura throws a pillow at him and looks back at the screen, watching the soulmates playing out their love story. 

A small smile plays over David’s face as he watches her, before he remembers his own speculations around soulmates. He’s never been very enthusiastic about getting one, but the thought that he might  _ not  _ get one stings a little. And what if he ends up with a dysfunctional bond? He has heard of people who have underdeveloped bonds or people who break their bonds and leave each other. That doesn’t sound good at all. 

Laura looks at him quickly. “Just don’t let my statistics and bad mood discourage you, of course. I’m happy with Linn, and I guess our parents are doing alright too, even if they are idiots.” 

David shakes his head. He’s still doubting that he’ll ever get a soulmate. Laura would probably say it’s his sometimes moody mindset that makes him think like this. He just can’t fight the feeling that people like him don’t get soulmates. He’s a lost soul in many ways, and he can accept that, and find comfort in the knowledge that he’ll always be alone, although Laura never can.

In many ways, he’s a loner. And he doesn’t really mind being one. Most of the time. 

People can be okay too, of course, at least when he can pick his company. Like his herd. And Laura. 

Laura pulls him into a hug. “I’m glad we can hang a little today,” she says, and leans her head on his shoulder. She seems to have forgotten the movie completely. “Linn is cooking and eating with her flatmates today. Look!” She hands him her phone.

And of course, it’s impossible to avoid Matteo. There he is, munching some tempting looking dinner, on Linn’s Insta story. Looking annoyingly cute. 

David nods, smiling. “Cut it out.”

“What?” Laura asks, looking far too innocent. 

David sighs. “ _ Yes _ , I’m aware that Matteo is cute. He has a girlfriend, though. Or a thing with her, I don’t know. Whatever.” 

“So you said, yeah.”

“Well, then. He’s not for me.”

Laura cocks her head and purses her lips. “Right, fair enough. I just haven’t seen you so excited about something or someone in a while, that’s all.” 

David groans and throws his head back. “I’m excited about plenty of things.”

“Sure. But when you told me that you were getting included with this friend group, you mentioned Matteo pretty often.” 

She’s right, of course. David just hopes that he can manage to squash it down and forget it. 

When he doesn’t answer her, Laura lets him be. And she doesn’t have to know that he sneaks into her Insta account to look at the posts and stories from the flatshare that same evening. David doesn’t have an Instagram. But he starts to think that he might want one.

As he snuggles into bed, his mind goes to Matteo again. He picks up his phone to have another look, and a smile grows in his face as he looks at the same posts, one more time. Matteo is goofy and kind of a mess in the posts, and there’s really not much visually appealing about them. Except that Matteo looks damn good. And David can’t stop looking at him _ . _

_ Shit _ , he’s so screwed.

Worst of all, it’s like the universe won’t give him a break. Monday morning, he’s by his locker getting ready for class, feeling slightly out of place because everyone seems to have dressed up for the Abitur week, while he hasn’t. Then he spots a well known figure and loses his breath. 

Matteo is right there, by his own locker, catching David’s eyes and giving a small smile. Matteo hasn’t dressed up. He’s just real, like he always is. 

David sets a course for his class, too aware that he needs to pass Matteo on his way. He looks up for just a moment and meets Matteo’s eyes again. He feels his mouth go dry as he holds Matteo’s gaze for a second, but then he smiles a little, going for something polite. “Hey.”

”Hey, ” Matteo says, ”everything good?” He clings to his school books in front of him, and David imagines Matteo’s hands brushing against his own hands. Matteo’s expression is careful, but there’s freedom in his smile in that moment. 

David feels lost. He also feels his cheeks flush hot, and his stomach is heavy. His heart pounds in his throat, threatening to break out. He can’t quite find his voice. Still, he’s gotta try. ”Of course.”

“Cool.” Matteo gives his crooked smile again, sounding a little breathless. His eyes have a softness to them, and there is something so welcoming in the rich blues. David picks up a clear hint of delight and a wish to stay in this moment _ . _

”Hi!”

Suddenly Leonie is there, smiling wide. Her eyes are on David.

The girls’ talk from Sunday about Matteo suddenly enters David’s mind and he finds it hard to breathe. 

They talked about Matteo behind his back, and it makes his stomach turn with guilt. It doesn’t help that he’s attracted to Matteo, although he’s off limits. And finally, he doesn’t want Leonie’s attention, but he doesn’t know how to tell her. In the end, he’ll probably end up hurting her, or something. For the first time, he wonders if Matteo maybe feels the same about Sara. His eyes on David certainly don’t seem like the eyes of someone who’s into someone else.

David feels like such a shit. 

He doesn’t know how to handle it all. He needs to get out of there. So he mutters a ”hi, okay, bye,” and walks away, almost hyperventilating from the intensity of it all.

The rest of the day is pretty uneventful, and he spends the evening at home, studying and drawing a little. At least the drawing helps him not to think. He can focus on the lines and getting the shadows right, and everything else disappears. 

He draws a bird with a broken wing. It makes him feel sad, but then he makes a collage of it and he cheers up a bit. He feels restless, though, wanting to do something. He doesn’t know if it’s the wish to check out Matteo’s Insta, or just general boredom, but in the end, he decides to make a new Instagram account. If he doesn’t use it to look up other accounts (like Matteo’s), he can at least show some of his drawings there. 

He spends the evening making the account and drawing some more, and makes sure not to think about Matteo at all. 

It almost works.   
  
  


###  ** _Matteo_ **

Monday arrives with as much fanfare as usual. Which is so say… basically none. Thank goodness school is almost over for the year  _ (forever) _ and Matteo isn’t going to have to deal with these mornings and the grind that goes with them  _ (in a forever sort of way, which haunts him somewhat; wasted potential and all that). _ There’s a bitter taste at the back of his throat as Matteo stuffs books into his locker and tries to drag out new ones. 

There’s chatter all around him, distanced though, as if it’s coming to him through a fog. His head is filled with cotton wool as he tries to ignore the people streaming by in small groups and chattering clusters. It’s not easy to do. They’re all brightly dressed in flower themed clothes, and Matteo is on the outside. 

Again. 

It’s not even that he forgot about the week; he’s just been in so much of the fog lately that he didn’t care enough to join in.

He kind of regrets that now as the colors swirl around him and he feels pushed even further to the sidelines. 

Ignored.

Out of the corner of his eye, Matteo spots something. Something black and plain. He smiles, a tiny flash of joy bleeding into his lethargy when he realises that David is also just wearing his usual stuff. 

No flowers, no bright flashy colors. 

Just David.

His eyes slide to his right and he catches David looking right at him. Heat flashes in his belly and Matteo’s smile widens for a brief moment before he tries to school it into something resembling chill. 

As David approaches, Matteo is incapable of staying calm, though. David looks  _ good. _ His eyes are liquid and beautiful, his hair is artfully mussed up, making Matteo’s heart skip a beat, and the way David walks does something to Matteo’s composure. Something that simultaneously makes his limbs loose and floppy and drags tension up and into his spine. Something beautiful and contradictory. Something kind of like David. 

Matteo’s throat is tight when David gets close, so he’s barely able to get out a small, “Hey,” when David talks to him. It’s intoxicating, this proximity to David, and Matteo can’t help the way his whole being softens just by being near. It’s so fucking good to see David, melts away some of the unsettled feeling that has been Matteo’s companion for so long. As much as he’s been trying to ignore it, and pretend it hasn’t been happening, Matteo can’t deny that he’s attracted to David, and more than just aesthetically. He’s always admitted having a small crush to himself, but it’s beginning to be really obvious that it’s not small and not really just a crush.

He stumbles his way through some other, no doubt banal, conversation but there’s a warm feeling in his body and he can feel the way his face almost hurts from smiling. It feels good. Matteo wants to say something more, something actually interesting, but then Leonie’s there and suddenly David is jittery, his body tense and his smile more ill at ease. 

And then he’s gone, and Matteo is left staring in the direction he went and trying to pretend he’s not  _ interested, _ while Leonie stares after him with a grin that says everything about how  _ she _ feels.

Matteo sighs. Of course it’s like that. It’s like Sara, too, and all her expectations about him and soulmates.

As if on his cue, Leonie turns to him with a bounce and her gaze becomes calculating.

“You and Sara,” she says, and he winces. Tries to keep his face still and impassive. It’s not easy when he wants to grimace; why is everyone so  _ invested _ in him and Sara being a thing?

She’s expecting him to say something, though, so he shrugs and shoulders his backpack to try to avoid looking too awkward. 

“She’s nice,” he says. “A good friend.”

There’s a small moment when he could swear Leonie’s eyes widen, but then they’re narrow and she’s opening her mouth to say something else. He can’t bear talking about this, not with her, not when she’s clearly eyeing David up, so he just smiles at her and brushes past, indicating with his head that he has to go to class. It cuts off whatever she was going to say, but when he chances a look behind him again she’s still watching and her eyes are still narrowed.

He’s exhausted by the time he gets out of class at the end of the day. The fog is back and everything seems so slow and like some sort of mud is sitting around his ankles, clutching and holding him back. 

So Matteo’s not really in the mood when the boys all crowd around him like eager puppies. 

“Luigiii! It’s party time, bro! Last week of school and time to have fun!”

Carlos is too eager, too excited, and his words thump like hammers into Matteo’s head. His antics, leaping around and pretending to play some sort of malformed guitar, don’t help either. The harsh colors they’re wearing hurt Matteo’s eyes and all he wants to do is go home, fall onto his bed and sleep for the next week.

But Jonas bumps his shoulder, grins at him and nods in the direction of Carlos and Abdi, who have now both joined in the chaotic, energetic dance.

“We’re still okay to come to yours?” he asks. “The boys are ready for some beers and some games.”

Fuck. Matteo had completely forgotten their drunken promise to hold a ‘session’ at each of their homes this week, starting with his. He sighs. 

“I should study,” he tries half-heartedly, but the boys shout him down with a chorus of booing so he smiles, genuinely amused by them, and lacking the energy to tell them to actually fuck off so he can sleep.

It gets worse when they get to his place. Hans is home, and naturally he’s excited to have guests over. 

“Butterfly! You’ve brought all your luscious friends to see me!”

And that’s not usually something that bugs Matteo (that’s Hans, after all, king of flirting with every man who enters his house; he’d almost feel like he was a bad host if he didn’t flirt at least a little with all the boys). But today for some reason it’s irritating and it’s almost impossible for Matteo keep the scowl off his face.

He smiles, as well as he can, but he can feel the way his lips twist and curl when he relaxes even for a moment. Unfortunately, Hans notices too.

“Butterfly?” he says, leaning casually on the doorframe while the boys fight over controllers and push each other when they fail their on-screen quests. “Can you come help me? I’m making coffee and I’d love an extra pair of hands.”

“We don’t need drinks,” Matteo says, unwilling to move from his spot squished between Jonas and Abdi on the couch. He’s not playing, but the way the boys are interacting is somewhat soothing. Matteo’s included as much as he wants to be and it’s almost like the fog that’s been dogging him for so many days is lifted. Unfortunately, Hans moves forward and tugs on his arm.

“And yet, I have made some and need your help getting them in here.”

Reluctantly, Matteo pushes up from the couch, dislodging Abdi who screams his displeasure at the chaos that caused for him in the game. Matteo pulls the finger at him as he makes his way past, and raucous laughter follows him into the kitchen.

Hans lines up the cups on the counter and quietly asks Matteo get the milk from the fridge. They work in silence, the movement practised and easy and for a moment, Matteo thinks this is all there is to it. That Hans really did want his help.

“What’s the matter, butterfly? You don’t seem like yourself lately.”

Hans’ voice is soft, gentle, and yet Matteo freezes at the sound. He didn’t want this; his instinct had been to deal with it himself, to pull back from all engagement until he had himself sorted out and then reemerge. Much like the butterfly Hans keeps comparing him to.

Knowing that he can’t really keep all this to himself forever, Matteo still tries to drag a smile onto his face. “I’m okay,” he says, shrugging. “It’s just a bit weird with school ending and everyone going in all different ways.”

“Mmmm,” Hans says, eyeing him sideways with a purse of his lips that signals his disbelief. But he’s kind enough to let it pass. “Here, you take these ones,” he says, pressing two cups into Matteo’s hands. “The right one is yours and the other one is Abdi’s.”

They get the cups out into the main room and Matteo is just putting them carefully down on the small table near the couch when his phone buzzes. Puzzled, he glances down at it. Everyone who would usually message him is here already.

He has to swallow the fear that rises in his throat when he sees who it’s from.

Mama.

He quickly excuses himself from the boys and makes his way out to the small hallway. He’s halfway there when he sees what she’s sent.

A bible verse. He can read the start of it clearly enough, has heard this particular verse often enough that he can complete it by memory.  _ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his soulmate, and they shall become one flesh. _

The bit that makes him anxious, however, and tears at his sense of serenity, is the bit she adds afterwards.

_ I’m so happy to see you starting to accept your soulmark, my son. _ It’s posted just above a screenshot of a picture from Sara’s instagram of the two of them that she has titled,  _ (soul) marks for (soul) mates. _ In it, they’re showing off their marks and laughing. At the time, Matteo had thought of it as a joke. But it’s obvious Sara has taken this far more seriously.

Panicking, Matteo pushes his way into the bathroom. As soon as he gets the door closed behind him, Matteo leans back against the wall, his head tilted and his breath coming in small gasps. The message has left him shaken, and he has to press his fingers hard back onto the wall to still their shaking.

Fuck.

It’s not like he didn’t expect something like this from his mother, either. She’s always been like this, so proud of him for having the mark he does. So keen for him to find the perfect girl and settle down into the perfect life. 

Just like Sara. She and his mother get on like a house on fire, because they share the same dream: that he’ll bond with Sara (or, in his mother’s case, someone like Sara) and that it will end in a happily ever after soul bonded bliss.

Matteo has been able to ignore it. Mostly. Until now, when it’s crystal clear that what he wants isn’t acceptable to his family. A platonic soulmate, someone who cares about him with no expectations of anything else.

He glances down again.  _ Starting to accept your soulmark. _

Fuck.

So it is that he feels awkward when he finds himself with Sara in his room on Tuesday night. She was eager, sweetly flustered when they made their way through the flat to his bedroom. Hans had made some sort of suggestive comment, of which Matteo had effectively missed the detail but he definitely got the subtext, and Sara had flushed, her eyes had flicked towards Matteo and her head had ducked down in a mix of embarrassment and delight. 

Hans’ laugh had followed them both into the room, and even now while they’re lying on the bed the way he has with Jonas and the boys on so many occasions, Matteo is stiff and awkward. It should be easy, the way it always has been. But the suggestion that there’s something happening in here because they’re alone has set something uneasy into Matteo’s chest and he can’t relax. His body is restless and he shuffles, trying to find some sort of comfortable position.

Eventually, Sara looks up and over at him. The smile on her face is soft, shining and bright. Matteo swallows, suddenly feeling guilty and anxious. He knows that look; he’s worn that look when watching Jonas before. To be fair, he probably wears that look when David is around. It’s infatuated, and there’s something happy hiding in it too. Something that speaks of hope and of promise. Something that lied to him then, and that’s lying to her now.

“Matteo?” she asks, softly.

He tries to keep a smile on his face, tries to be a decent person here. Because as much as he doesn’t want  _ this, _ he does like _ her. _ She’s his friend and he wants her to be happy. He just knows that can’t happen with him, not the way she wants. But. He’s not ready to tell her why yet.

So he keeps his answer to a noncommittal hum, hoping that she’ll get it. That she’ll take the hint and know that he wants to keep things like this.

“Matteo,” she says again, as she wriggles closer to him on the bed, scooting on her knees until she’s tucked them right in under his. He flinches, tenses, but can’t pull away. This is a normal thing that normal people do, and he doesn’t want to drive her away. Not completely. So he should have expected the vibrancy in her face as she asks, “What are we?”

And fuck. 

He has to answer her. It’s a black and white question, no room for sliding alongside the truth the way he’s always managed to do in the past. So he gulps, forces himself to look at her.

“I don’t know,” he says, honestly. Because he’s not sure what they  _ are, _ even if he knows what he wants them to be. “What… what do you think?”

As soon as he’s said it, he knows he fucked up. The smile that lights her face right now is blinding. 

“I think… we are something,” she says. “Something nice.”

There’s a hesitation in her voice, as if she really does know what that ‘something nice’ truly is, but that she’s going to keep hoping until he tells her a flat out ‘I’m not interested.’

Only he can’t.

Because if he did he’d expose everything, and anyway he doesn’t want to hurt her. She’s still one of his best friends and he doesn’t want to lose what they share. And maybe … maybe he should try. He has always liked her as a person, and he has eyes. He knows she’s pretty. He knows she’s what he should be wanting. His mother’s text still flashes in front of his eyes.

Monogamous. Heterosexual. Committed.

That’s what he should be. That’s what his soulmark says. That’s basically the truth he has to live.

So he nods. “Yeah,” he agrees. “Something nice.”

She leans forward, runs her fingers over his face, and presses a kiss to his lips. They may have done this before but it feels different this time. 

Weighty.

Like he fucked up. But like he can’t see a way to get out of it.

She kisses him again, deeper this time, and he lets her. 

Matteo tries hard to forget that he wishes she were somebody else.


	4. Myth 2: “A heterosexual, monogamous relationship is the only way to go” (part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here's chapter 4! Again, thank you to our supporters and beta helpers, including [i-am-a-fairytale](https://i-am-a-fairytale.tumblr.com/) and [saveitforthesongs](saveitforthesongs.tumblr.com). Your help means so much. 
> 
> Hope you like it! Kudos and comments are highly appreciated. :D
> 
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###  ** _David_ **

David’s week is pretty uneventful. _ School - home - studies. _Then the same all over again. He’s starting to think that he’s finally figuring out how to keep his head low and focus on school. Leonie seems to have adopted David, though, possibly because Sara is somewhat occupied with Matteo. He sees them from time to time in the schoolyard, and tries not to think about it too much. 

Luckily, Leonie’s not too aggressive about hanging with David, so he doesn’t mind spending some time with her. They share some classes, after all, and it’s not so bad to have someone to chat with in the breaks. 

Wednesday evening he even gets a text from her. 

_ Hi, David! Would you like to meet up and hang? Sara has Matteo over for a visit, and I’m bored. :) _

Right. David stares at the text, frowning. Leonie is alright, maybe a little bossy at times, but that’s really not the issue. The issue is that she seems to be interested in something more, and that’s really not something David wants, right now. And even though he feels a little guilty for not liking her like that, he’s not letting the guilt make him do something he doesn’t want.

_ Hi! I’ve promised to help my sister with something - sorry, _he texts her. 

Her answer is quick: 

_ No worries. See you tomorrow, right? _

_ Yeah, tomorrow. :) _

David stares out into space, still with his phone in his hand. So, Matteo is with Sara tonight. They’re becoming more serious, then. The thought gives him a heavy feeling in his stomach. 

He checks his new Insta account, and sees that his first post has gotten a couple of likes already. Probably because Sara tagged him in one of her stories. He feels a little silly with it all. He’s not used to sharing his drawings with others, and sharing it online feels like he’s asking for attention. Asking for praise. And, at the same time, opening up for criticism, for being judged. And in a way, his drawings are so personal, that it feels like any judgement would be of him as a person. He doesn’t quite know how he feels about that. So, he doesn’t post anything else right now. He might find something to post later. 

Instead, he takes a quick look at Matteo’s Insta. The account is such a weird mix of everything. Goofy pictures and even more goofy memes. David loves it. Matteo’s humour makes him want to know more about how Matteo’s mind works. Matteo’s posts feel like they only give hints. 

Maybe that’s just how it is. People only show parts of themselves. Both in real life and on social media. David stares at one of the photos of Matteo. Damn, he looks good, too, even when he’s being goofy. David puts his phone back in his pocket and picks up his drawings again. He should stop obsessing over Matteo, anyway.

The next day, Leonie seeks him out again.

“So, what do you think about this soulmate business?” she asks after she has watched him struggle to put all his stuff in his locker. “Do you have one?”

David stares at her, baffled. She leads the way to class, and David doesn’t quite know how to react to the abrupt question. 

Leonie must have picked up his reaction, because she smiles an excusing smile. “Sorry, that was rude of me, I sometimes speak before I think.”

“No, that’s not –,” David says, although he does find it slightly intrusive. It’s not like people ask about this a lot, usually. He hesitates. Then he shrugs and smiles. “And no, I don’t have one, not that I’m aware of. I don’t have a physical mark, or anything.” 

“Oh. I don’t either. We could still have mental marks, though?”

They enter the classroom, and David surprises himself by answering honestly, “Yeah, I don’t know. I somehow don’t feel like I’m made for having a soulmate, really. Not romantically, anyway. I mean, it’s not that I don’t want it. It just seems… unlikely, that’s all.”

Leonie looks surprised. “Why?”

David hesitates to answer, and is saved by the teacher entering the classroom and telling them to get to work. 

He really doesn’t want to explain everything to Leonie. He’s not even sure that he _ can _explain it. He struggles enough, being comfortable with himself, sometimes, and he can’t even imagine adding someone else in the picture. Especially not a romantic soulmate. 

After class, Leonie seems to have forgotten what they were talking about, and David is relieved. Sure, she’s a nice girl, but he needs to keep some things to himself. That’s maybe one of the reasons why he finds excuses for not hanging with her in his free time. He tells himself it’s because he wants to study, but he knows deep down that it’s not about that. He just doesn’t want to let things get complicated, and he doesn’t like her like _ that _. 

Thursday is kind of a shitty day. His PE teacher is an ass, nagging him about things that shouldn’t really matter, and all around him students are cross-dressed. He should maybe not let it bother him so much. At least his mum would tell him not to. He can almost hear her, saying that he, with his interests for movies, should probably like all the costumes and the makeup. And that’s a point, perhaps. Some of the others pull the costumes off pretty well too, like Jonas, for instance. Still, it gives David an uncomfortable feeling, like the whole thing reflects on him. It reminds him of comments he used to hear earlier, that he’s “just faking it”, or “dressing up”. 

_ Fuck _. Just the thought of it makes his skin crawl. 

He doesn’t quite see the humour in it, at all. It’s not a game for him. So, in the end, he hides in his black clothes and decides to stay away from people as well as he can. 

He can’t help noticing Matteo, though. Just as David’s about to go down the stairs to the first floor, he meets Matteo’s gaze from the other end of the hall. Matteo is hanging with the other guys. He’s the only one in his regular clothes, looking grumpy and tired. 

He looks good, though. _ Real _. 

David can’t look away. As they hold each other’s gaze, David's heart thumps so hard that he swears it’s audible. Matteo smiles. It’s only a small smile, but it’s enough to make David go weak at the knees. He tears his eyes away and walks down the stairs and away from everybody.

_ Shit _, he’s gotta stop doing this. 

When the school day is over at last, he goes home and binge watches three movies in a row, just to get his mind off everything else. It helps a little, and the next day at school, he tells himself he can survive until the weekend begins. This hell week will soon be over, and so will school in a couple of weeks. It’s going to be okay. 

Friday evening he’s on the bus, feeling moody. Being tired and on his way home a lot later than he planned to is bad enough, but the bus being this fucking crowded makes it even worse. They’re crammed tight, it’s hot and David mostly wants to get out of there. There’s still a while before his stop and he just prays that most of the passengers will depart before then. He wants to get home, and get some peace and quiet. 

The bus stops, and even more passengers stream inside. He’s about to put his headphones on when he’s suddenly too distracted to do it. His heart stills for a beat when he sees who moves through the crowd. 

_ Matteo. _

He’s looking tired, and a little grumpy. And absolutely stunning.

David forgets to breathe, forgets that he’s surrounded by this uncomfortable crowd, and just stares. 

Matteo looks up and meets his eyes. Smiles a little. “Hey.”

“Hey,” David croaks. 

Matteo finds the spot next to him, and leans against the window. David can’t take his eyes off him. The low sunlight makes his eyes shine. He’s beautiful. Also - David has never met him on this bus before?

Matteo looks back, and holds his gaze. It’s unnerving. And once again, it’s impossible to keep from staring back at him. 

His mind goes blank then; he really should say something, but he doesn’t know what. The thing is, he has a list for situations like these, for surviving crowded situations and meeting others. His go-to solution is asking if people have pets. That’s always a hit - either people have pets they love to talk about, or they don’t have pets, and they talk about why they don’t. Matteo has even brought up the topic of cats and dogs earlier, so it could work to bring it up again. Still, it would just sound stupid to ask about that, out of the blue. He could ask something lame like ‘are you heading home?’ But then he’d want to escape the bus, because, fuck. So David just gives a brief little nod and turns his head to stare in the opposite direction. After a couple of agonizing seconds, he dares to glance back over.

He meets Matteo’s gaze again and tries to give a polite, friendly smile, taking the edge off his own staring. Matteo smiles a brief half-smile, too, and turns his head to look outside the window. 

However, then the bus stops, and Matteo appears to notice something in the front of the bus that he doesn’t like. At all. 

They’re checking for tickets.

The realisation hits David at once. “You don’t have a ticket?” he asks, and Matteo shakes his head, looking like he’s trying to make himself invisible. 

It just takes David a moment to realise that he needs to step up and save the situation. 

He approaches the ticket inspector, trying to stop him in the path. “Excuse me?” he says, trying to get his attention. 

“Yes?” The inspector is busy and appears not so interested in talking. 

David stares straight at the guy, his heart is hammering but he keeps his gait casual with no hint of hesitation. “I need to get to Alex.”

“No, that’s in the opposite direction. You’re on the wrong bus.”

David can feel his pulse pounding in his temples, he knows he needs to keep stalling. “What do you mean, the wrong direction?” 

The guy is starting to get a little annoyed. He points backwards in the bus. “That’s the opposite direction, you’re driving the wrong way, you need to get off this bus and go in the opposite direction.” 

They haven’t reached the next stop yet, and David knows that he needs to stall him even more. Time to act stupid. “Uh, and what do I do when I get on the other bus, do I just…?”

“You get on the other bus and drive to Alexanderplatz. Then you’re there.” The guy looks at Matteo. “Can I get your -”

“Can I use this?” David interrupts, showing his card.

The inspector stares at the ticket, and then at him. “Yes, it’s a monthly ticket.” 

The thing is, David knows he has stretched things pretty far already, and the ticket inspector is likely to figure out what he’s doing, pretty soon. But he can’t stop now, there’s no way back. It’s almost like he can feel the adrenaline coursing through him like a fire, pushing him forward. So he presses on, making a complete fool of himself, asking about if his card will work on the other bus, as well. And if it will be the same month on the other bus.

Like, seriously.

The inspector looks at him like he’s completely lost it, but just in that minute, the bus stops, the doors open, and David yanks Matteo with him, to get off the bus. 

They run, laughing at the excitement and the silliness of it all, and it’s wild. 

“Thank you,” Matteo breathes, “That was brilliant.”

David can only laugh, still a little shaky. 

“If you want, we can go to my place,” Matteo says. “It’s just over there.” He points. 

“What, did you sneak on the bus, just for a couple of stops?”

Matteo shrugs. “Yeah. I’m lazy.”

David gives Matteo a quick look. Matteo doesn’t really seem lazy right now, but David must admit that it seems rather lazy to do such a thing. Still, behind Matteo’s words, David can sense a need that he can’t quite put his finger on. A need to live, or to have more force or energy, perhaps? 

“Do you wanna come?” Matteo asks. He smiles at David. His face is relaxed like he’s deeply happy and content in this moment, simply lacking the tension he often shows.

“Yeah, sounds good,” David smiles back. Of course, he will. It doesn’t matter that he’s decided to stay away. He can’t help feeling charmed by this cute, strange guy who is too lazy to walk the short distance home. He definitely wants to get a glimpse of Matteo’s home, even if it’s just as a friend. 

They enter the flat that seems to be empty. In the kitchen, David notices a controller and asks if Matteo has an Xbox. But of course, Matteo says matter-of-factly that he has set up a Nintendo emulator on the computer. David can’t hide that he’s impressed. “Dude, you’re totally lit!”

Matteo’s small smile lights him up, and he explains a little about how he did it. 

“You really love gaming, huh?” David asks. “Why do you like it so much?”

Matteo is silent for a moment, like he has to search for the answer. “I suppose I like that it’s tricky to learn. Challenging, and not for everybody.”

Behind his words, David senses a need for someone _ special _, someone who’s patient.

“And I like to win, of course,” Matteo adds with a laugh. And it’s like he says, _ being with me pays off. _

David feels his cheeks burn. The intent behind Matteo’s words is suddenly so clear, they take his breath away. Still, he can’t think too much about it, since Matteo has a question to him.

“What do you like to do, then?”

David takes a deep breath. That’s easy. “Movies. And drawing stuff.”

“Well, why do you like that?” Matteo asks. 

David can’t help wondering if there’s a meaning behind his own words when he answers.

“With my drawings, I like that it’s tricky, too, and that I can make something captivating and true, I suppose.” He thinks for a moment. “With movies… I just love the stories, and the craft. And I guess both things can have hidden meanings, and I love that.

Matteo blinks, and absentmindedly strokes the mark on his wrist. “Cool.”

###  ** _Matteo_**

As soon as Matteo realizes he’s playing with his mark, he blushes. It’s not something he’s used to calling attention to, generally preferring to ignore it and pretend it’s not there. So the fact that David already has him relaxed enough to be so open about it is somewhat terrifying. It’s not supposed to be this easy to spend time with someone. But the way David had saved him on the bus earlier, and the ease with which he’d shrugged off Matteo’s, “That was brilliant,” has made Matteo comfortable.

It’s intoxicating. He wants more, but he can’t quite allow himself to reach out and take it.

So he covers, shifting awkwardly and reaching into his bag for a joint. “You want to smoke?” he asks, the same way he had at the soulbond party planning. It’s something he can shunt some of his feelings onto. If he gets silly after smoking, after all, he can blame being high.

David looks him up and down once and then smiles. His gaze intensifies as he nods. “Sure.”

Matteo lights up, takes a long drag of the weed. The paper crackles, a soft comforting sound, and he closes his eyes in bliss at the familiar feeling of the smoke in his throat. When he opens them again, David is looking at him with a considering gaze that makes him blush.

“Here,” he says handing the weed over, and flushing with heat at the small brush of their fingers as David takes it from him.

The moment is lost in the slide into the relaxing high, but the memory lingers, making Matteo feel warm and happy.

It’s alarming just how easy it is to talk to David. Not that it’s news, really; they’ve hung out before and David’s told him stuff before. There was that one long-ago conversation with Jonas and David when David had told them he’s trans. But this is different somehow.

More intimate.

It’s just them, alone in the echoing apartment. Being alone with David feels deeper somehow than being alone with other people, and that’s scary. As much as it had been an impulse to bring David here, Matteo had also counted on some sort of buffer. It’s dinner time, and that usually means Mia’s home. Or Hans. Today, though. Today they’re alone and the weed they’ve smoked has turned the space into something like a confessional.

That’s dangerous.

Freeing.

“I don’t really like the whole soulmate thing,” Matteo confesses. They’re relaxed, slumped together onto the counter, arms sprawled and heads turned to face each other, comfortably pressed down on their arms. There’s less than a foot between them, and into that space it’s easier to say some of this stuff.

David’s eyes flicker, widening as if he’s able to see the deeper things swirling behind Matteo’s comment. The guilt, the ache, the impatience with what he ‘should’ be doing.

“Yeah,” David agrees, settling his own head more comfortably onto his arm and drawing Matteo’s eyes to the long line of his neck as he does so. “I don’t think I even have one.” He shrugs, as well as he can with his arms trapped the way they are, making Matteo snigger softly, the weed making the movement seem funny. David’s lips tilt upwards too. “You’re lucky to know you have one.”

The words are almost too soft to make out and Matteo wonders if he was even supposed to hear them. He smiles anyway, can feel the way it twists its rough pain onto his face. He feels raw, as if this conversation is turning him inside out and exposing everything he never wanted anyone to know. And yet.

And yet he wants David to know.

“I wish I could get rid of it,” he whispers. “The mark.”

Again, David’s eyes flick over his face, and there’s something in his eyes which suggests he genuinely gets it. Gets the weight it lays over everything Matteo does. Gets that he feels trapped and controlled. 

After a long considering moment, David nods, then rubs his fingers over his eyes.

He pushes up off the counter and stretches, his back clicking in the silence of the room. Matteo can’t help the way his eyes are drawn to David’s body, to the sinuous way it moves and the way the fabric contours around it as David twists. He’s an athlete, strong and graceful and agile and that’s all plain to see in the way he can move his body so carelessly and beautifully.

There’s something about the way he moves that makes Matteo feel awkward and fumbly by comparison. He’s never been at home in his body, all stumbling gait and slouched shoulders. Seeing David so easy in his own makes Matteo feel like he wants to become more at ease in _ his. _

David finishes the stretch, elongating his arms and Matteo’s throat goes dry as he watches. He has to drag his eyes away before David catches him, because _ that _ would be embarrassing. Because he _ wants _ a soulmate in some ways. But he’s finally ready to admit to himself he only wants that if it’s David.

But without a mark that’s impossible.

He’s only able to relax when David’s relaxed again and his body is once again hidden behind the shapeless clothing he prefers. 

His stomach rumbles and he groans, both embarrassed at the noise and thankful that there’s some sort of distraction from both the soulmates conversation and the memory of David’s frame stretched out against his clothes and outlined in fabric. Neither thing was particularly comfortable, and Matteo is an expert in pushing uncomfortable things away into hidden corners of his mind.

He laughs as another rumble shakes him, lets himself look at David again as he sits up. “You hungry?” he asks.

David casts his middle an amused glance, but nods. “Yeah. I could eat something.”

Rolling his eyes and pushing against David’s shoulder as he moves over to the fridge to take a look, Matteo realizes he feels good. Comfortable, in a way he hasn’t since he met Jonas and they started hanging out. More, it’s an ease he hasn’t felt in the time since his dad left them and his life started to feel empty and meaningless.

He rummages in the fridge, finding nothing much of interest. But with the weed singing in his veins and his stomach desperate for sustenance, Matteo starts pulling random things out of his shelf and from the shared section and lines them up on the counter.

David laughs as he walks over and leans back against the wall nearby. “What are you planning to do with that?” he asks, nodding towards the array of condiments Matteo has produced.

“A contest.”

David’s brow quirks as he looks back at the food. “Contest?”

“Yeah. Whoever can eat the most of these things in five minutes wins.”

Something akin to disgust flickers on David’s face as he takes in the canned cream, mustard, and various other sauces sitting alongside bread, ham and other foods, but the hunger obviously wins out and he nods, eyes drifting back towards Matteo.

The next five minutes are chaos. They both try to sabotage each other, grabbing bottles from under each other’s fingers, stuffing whatever they can find into their mouths, ripping open packets with teeth, scattering droplets of sauce and crumbs everywhere. By the time Matteo’s timer goes off, they’re both covered in too many splotches to name, and neither of them can agree on the winner.

“Okay fine,” David finally says, laughing as he reaches around behind Matteo to push a bottle back onto the shared shelf in the fridge. “Let’s pretend you won, even though you cheated by not setting the parameters for the contest properly.”

Breathless from laughter, and the way David’s body pressed close into his when he put that sauce away, Matteo grins. “Hey, it’s not my fault that you didn’t bother to ask.”

The look he gets then is amused but resigned, and David picks up a small washcloth from the sink and silently asks with a tiny lift of his brow if he can use it to clean up. Swallowing at the sudden change in atmosphere, Matteo nods then busies himself with screwing caps back onto bottles, and attempting to smooth out the packets they attacked so viciously. It’s not perfect when he shoves them back into the fridge, but he also thinks they’ll survive so he’s not too bothered. It’s food; it doesn’t have to be pretty as long as it stays fresh enough to eat.

Out of the corner of his eye he can see the pensive look on David’s face as he wipes the counter, and cleans down the front of the cabinets. It’s quiet in a way Matteo doesn’t generally allow himself to be with someone else, and he relaxes into it, into the domesticity of shared labor.

When they’re done, and David has thrown the messy washcloth into the laundry pile, Matteo offers him another joint. The buzz has almost gone now, dissipated into the cleaning and the small familiarity of the tasks they’ve been doing, and Matteo wants to recapture it. Wants to pretend that all of this is just about the strange way being high makes him more sociable, more ready to connect with others. 

By the time he has it lit and has taken a long hit, David has moved back to the seats at the tall counter. His long fingers draw Matteo’s eyes when he hands the weed over, sending a buzzing flutter right into the pit of his stomach that he can’t quite pretend is anything other than a desire to _ touch _ and _ hold _ and _ want. _ There’s a knowing look in David’s gaze when he catches Matteo’s eyes when they move back up to his face.

“You want some?” Matteo asks, holding out the weed and trying to push some of the tension away in the small talk, but he can feel the words he really wants to say hovering behind the banal comment. _ I’m attracted to you; I like you. _

Matteo’s caught, snagged, that knowing look ensuring he can’t look away from David’s gaze. The silence that falls at that moment is filled with an odd, longing tension and Matteo’s unspoken admission sits between them. But Matteo is too much of a coward to say it. So he swallows around the sudden dryness in his throat, shuffles restlessly on his feet, and drags his eyes down and away from David’s as he shakes his head. 

He sucks a short drag of the weed. It burns, a fiery twist as it flows down his throat, giving him an excellent excuse for the water that pricks in his eyes. Matteo thinks he hears a sigh, almost regretful in tone, but when he lets his eyes flick back to David’s all he can see in them is sadness.

“I … uh. I think I should go,” David says quietly. His eyes are intense and as they hold Matteo’s gaze a sharp, hot pain zings around the disc on his left wrist where his soulmark sits. It’s a reflex to grab it with his right hand, and run soothing circles with his fingers to try to draw the heat out of it.

There’s a considering look on David’s face as he glances down at Matteo’s right hand, still pressed shakily onto the overheated disc. Matteo looks down too. He can see the mark between his fingers and he purses his lips when he sees what it’s doing. The green swirls are pulsing and the silver flows around the slightly raised edge, as if it’s the thing making it so hot and so painful.

“Fuck,” Matteo says under his breath, trying to keep the sudden pain from showing to David. The less they focus on his damn soulmark the better.

“That seems painful,” David says as if he’s read Matteo’s mind, which is just _ great, _Matteo thinks as he drops his fingers from the mark as if burned (in some ways he has been burned). Clearly Matteo didn’t hide his grimace well enough if David has been able to pick up on it. He knows exactly how stoic he can usually keep his face, so the fact that David has seen through it is terrifying in a lot of ways.

“Yeah,” Matteo agrees, trying to wave it off as a minor blip in the day’s conversation. But the creases between David’s eyes deepen as Matteo adds, “it’s been playing up a bit lately.” _ Mostly around you, _ he thinks but doesn’t say out loud. “Might be defective,” he adds instead. Means _ I might be defective, _ but again can’t say it out loud. Can’t let David know just how useless Matteo really is.

Almost as if David has heard him somehow, he smiles, gives a small laugh. It’s insincere, Matteo can hear that in the tone, but there’s a sense that he’s letting Matteo do this, letting the moment slip away into a joke.

“Not as defective as mine,” David says lightly. “Mine doesn’t even exist.”

Matteo laughs, acknowledging the wry grimace that flits over David’s face.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?’ he asks. As painfully awkward as _ this _ moment is, the time they’ve spent together today has been calming. Healing almost, though from what Matteo couldn’t really tell you, but he doesn’t want it to disappear along with David.

David smiles, and there’s something like regret in his eyes. “I can’t,” he says. “My sister … she wants me home.”

It sounds like a lie. Matteo is the master at identifying when someone is being insincere and he can hear it in David’s tone. 

“Okay,” he says, but he can feel the way his face shuts down as he speaks, and turns his head, hoping David won’t notice.

He does anyway. 

There’s a soft gentleness to the way he says, “I’ll see you at school though? We have that soulbond party thing to plan. Kiki wants us at the meeting on Wednesday, right?”

Numbly, Matteo can tell that David means what he’s saying now; he’s trying to be kind. Another ring of heat sizzles through his mark, making him gasp at the sudden pain. But he manages to nod anyway, agreeing with the meeting time.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I’ll see you then.”

He’s still looking away, focused on the boiling heat of his mark and the aggression of the green swirls, but he can see David out of the corner of his eye. 

He hesitates, opens his mouth as if to say something else, but then he seems to think better of it, closes his mouth and silently turns to leave the room.

A few seconds later, Matteo hears the quiet click of the front door closing behind him, and David is gone.

The silence that echoes in his wake seems deeper than usual, more oppressive, and Matteo feels all the depth of that loneliness.


	5. Myth 3: “Only similar marks are real soulmates” (part one)

###  ** _Matteo_ **

“I still don’t get it,” Matteo whines, thrusting the sheet of notes away from him and sliding down into his chair with a frustrated groan. “This soulmark stuff is fucked up.”

Amira bends down to pick up the sheet from where it’s fluttered to the floor, and carefully places it back in front of Matteo. 

“Listen, I’m not giving up my precious time to help you study if you’re going to have a tantrum like a spoiled child,” she says. There’s steel in her voice and Matteo reluctantly sits up, sighing. He knows that tone, knows he has no hope of escaping her anger if he doesn’t pay attention. 

“But it makes no sense why there are different types,” he says. “Or why marks are all so different. If it’s genetic, then they should be the same. Shouldn’t they?”

“We went over this only a week or so back!” Amira says, rolling her eyes and then tapping the paper impatiently. “How can you have forgotten already? That is _ not _ how it works, you dumbass.” She prods her finger at one row of boxes on the paper, all filled with a bewildering array of tiny letters which are supposed to mean something to him, but don’t. 

There’s a long moment where she looks at him expectantly and waits for him to get it suddenly.

“Look,” she says finally, when it’s obvious Matteo isn’t going to say anything, and clearly taking pity on the confusion in his eyes. Either that or she’s so desperate to get a good grade herself that she’s willing to drag Matteo along with her. “It’s like cats, okay.”

“Cats?” Matteo scoffs. 

“Yeah. They’re all cats, they all have markings and other identifying features that are common to all of them. But they’re also all unique. The markings are never the same on any two cats.”

Matteo isn’t following, but he nods anyway, hoping she’ll continue and that he might get it if she ever gets to an actual point.

“So even with different markings, or ear shapes or whatever, they can all still mate? They all still genetically relate to each other close enough that they can have kittens regardless of any of that.”

Matteo stares at her, still not getting her point and a little taken aback that they’re suddenly talking about mating. None of what she’s talking about has anything to do with bonding or soulmarks and why they connect in the ways that they do, after all. Amira must notice his expression because she huffs, clearly irritated with his comprehension levels, and taps the paper again.

“Soulmarks are like that, just on a more intimate scale. Any mark can bond with any one other mark. Or more than one mark, sometimes.” She points at some of the boxes with their incomprehensible letters. “It’s just rare to be with different ‘ear types’” she says, using her fingers like quotation marks to illustrate her point. “Because there’s this extra layer, you see.” She points to another row of boxes underneath the first one. “Because each mark usually bonds only once and so this focuses the ‘markings’ in on one other person. But it’s the same principle.” 

“So not like cats at all, then,” he says, with a grin. She sits back, scrubs her fingers over her eyes, then fixes him with a fierce stare. 

“Asshole,” she says, kicking him under the table. “The bond is permanent and absolute when it happens. But that’s the only difference. Genetically, it’s all the same and all marks have potential to bond with all other marks just like all cats have the potential to mate with all other cats.”

“Then why does, say, a tattoo mark and a word mark, or a disc like mine and a … I don’t know, a mark where what they write appears on your skin … why do they bond? They’re all so different.”

“Genetically they’re _ not _ different,” Amira says, sounding exasperated. “They’re all physical ones. They all connect or bond in the same way.”

“The touchy glowy thing,” he says, grinning, knowing she’s going to react. 

Her eyes narrow as if she knows what he’s doing, but she can’t resist answering. “If you have to phrase it that way, then yes, the touchy glowy thing.”

“So they … or, we I guess, touch our soulmate and the glowy thing just happens automatically?”

Amira nods, but frowns when he adds, “So how does that work with other types of marks and bonds? Mental marks have nothing to glow, sensory ones only work through touch with no visual representation on the body. They don’t glow at all. So how can they bond with a physical mark?_That’s what_ I don’t get. How they can each work with different types.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you don’t need to know then, isn’t it?” she says caustically. “So let’s just focus on what we actually need to know for our exam and leave the university level stuff to the universities.”

It’s not Amira’s fault that Matteo feels so out of sorts, and is so irritated by all this soulmate stuff, and he knows he shouldn’t take it out on her. So, sighing, Matteo nods and drags the paper towards him, with another groan just to make his feelings on the matter obvious. Amira gives him one of her best looks, and he grins at her as he does resettle and focuses on what they _should_ be learning for their exam. 

The boxes are barely any more comprehensible than they were before they started studying, but he thinks he gets the general picture in some ways. It seems, looking at the tiny letters and the ways they line up in the boxes, that there’s a genetic reason why some marks are more likely to bond with each other. He just wishes he could work out if his mark is going to send him to a nice platonic soulmate, or if he’s going to be forcibly thrown into the world of romantic attachment without any choice. Because if it’s not David, then Matteo’s not really interested in romance. And with David not having a mark at all, and Matteo’s very visible and very active mark showing all too well that his soulmate is somewhere near and the bond is likely to happen sometime soon, _ that’s _ not going to happen.

Amira clears her throat, making Matteo shake his head, and drag his attention back to their work. He finds it hard to focus. The biggest problem, as far as Matteo sees it, is that he really hasn’t done enough studying, and knows he needs to put more effort in. But the fog swarms in so often that he can’t ever keep his focus on what he’s trying to learn for long enough to have any sort of success. His body betrays him, and he often finds himself fiddling with nearby stuff or staring blankly at walls rather than taking in any of the things he’s supposed to.

The slight panic that bleeds in behind the ever-present fog increases over the next day or two. And the only things that ever seem to make any sort of dent in that panic are weed and David. Matteo isn’t willing to examine _ that _ idea in any detail, because he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t like the answer he got. His body being hyper aware of David’s at all times, and dragging him out of whatever funk he might be in whenever he sees him, is embarrassing at the very least, and at worst suggests things Matteo really doesn’t want to examine in the cold light of day.

The biggest issue here, as Matteo sees it, is that everything has come down to this. All his years at school end here and now (or … slightly less dramatically, in a few weeks when his exams finish and he’s sent out into the world). It all ends with these exams anyway, all designed to showcase what he’s learned. But right now, that feels like nothing. When he thinks of Spanish, in particular, his insides freeze and his mind whirls in an exhausted panic.

He’s not exactly proud of the solution he comes up with, but he can’t think of anything better, not when he’s this short of time. He’s tried to study, tried to retain the information the teacher has been trying to instill in him. But whenever he tries to dredge up anything, it all sinks into a muddy sludge in his brain and he can’t make any one piece of knowledge work with any other piece. All the words he knows blend together into something that doesn’t quite resemble a real language.

Matteo writes it all down, all the things he has most trouble with in the language, makes sure he carefully sets it out in a way that makes sense to him. Pretends this is a study sheet and that he’s just going to memorise it. Which, he _ might. _ Amira always tells him that writing things down helps with retaining it as knowledge. Surely writing it and reading over it would help even more? And he will _ definitely _ read it over. Telling himself he’s studying and that’s all, Matteo manages to push the guilt away. It’s not like he’s really going to do anything with it. It’s just there for backup, after all. It’s not like he’ll actually _ use _ it.

Knowing he should be at home or in the library studying, later in the week Matteo still finds himself hanging out with his friends. His insides churn with anxiety when he thinks about the exams coming up, so it’s good to be with them sometimes. They take his mind off the issues and problems, and if that often involves weed or beer or both, well that’s not something Matteo is really going to worry about. 

He leans back against the wall they’ve ended up perched next to, and takes a long drag of the joint that is passed to him. It settles his jittery nervousness and allows him to relax. He closes his eyes, takes another puff before there’s a sharp pain in his ribs and he squeaks his irritation.

“Fucker,” he says, opening his eyes and looking at Abdi who’s sitting next to him and who has dug his elbow in to get Matteo’s attention and is now gesturing to take the weed.

“I paid for it,” Abdi says, and Matteo shrugs. He recognises that as a reasonable comment, so he passes the weed over then draws his knees into his body and wraps his arms around them. 

The conversation swirls around him, something banal about girls and how hot they are, what is the best way to get them to fuck and when each of them last landed one. A small group of girls walk by, wearing the skimpy clothing they must finally feel the weather is warm enough for. With his chin propped on his knees, Matteo watches them idly. He’s zoned out, not really paying attention.

“Luigi!” Carlos says beside him, and Matteo’s attention is snapped back into the group. The joint is held in front of his face and they’re all looking at him with concern.

“Thanks,” he says, taking the weed and taking another long inhale. The high is starting to buzz in his veins and Matteo feels his limbs slipping into the pleasantly soft state they do when he’s on his way to a good high. 

“What about Sara?” Jonas asks, nodding in the direction of the group of girls as they disappear around the corner.

“What about her?”

“I thought you had a thing with her,” Jonas says, taking the weed as Matteo passes it on. “But you never talk about it, and you were staring at those girls.”

Forcing a laugh, Matteo shrugs. “I have eyes, don’t I?” he says as cheerfully as he can. “Just because of Sara doesn’t mean I can’t look at anyone else.”

“Shit,” Jonas says, shaking his head. “You have a lot to learn.”

Carlos sniggers and agrees. “Better not do that if Sara’s around,” he says. “That never goes well.”

Matteo rolls his eyes, lets his head fall back on the wall again, basking in the heat of the sun where it falls over his eyes. “I’m not a complete idiot,” he complains as the weed is passed back to him and he takes a drag.

“Could have fooled me,” a new voice chimes in as a dark shadow falls over Matteo’s face. He looks up, squinting.

“David,” he says, reaches the weed out, asking if he wants to join in.

David looks at it for a few seconds before he, too, shrugs and slides down the wall next to Matteo. His proximity makes Matteo’s throat dry, and he swallows uneasily. They haven’t been near each other since Friday when David left with such an odd excuse.

Silence settles among them all as the weed is passed back and forth. David takes a drag before holding it out to Matteo. Their fingers brush as it changes hands and Matteo flushes. He holds David’s eyes for a moment longer than is strictly necessary, and flushes again when David doesn’t break the contact either.

“You left quickly last time,” Matteo says quietly, leaning in closer under the pretext of needing to hand the joint over. Quietly enough that he hopes that no-one else will hear them. David smiles as if he’s remembering the day.

“Yeah, sorry. I had to bail,” he says. “My sister likes us to hang on Fridays.”

Matteo can hear the lie in the words again, but there’s something else too. There’s regret, and the eyes that catch Matteo’s again are filled with some sort of hope. It’s hard to resist, and the fluttery feeling from Friday is back. Matteo swallows and drags his eyes away. He can’t let himself do this. He has his stupid soul mark, and David doesn’t. Or at least he doesn’t have a physical one, which effectively settles any real possibility of anything coming of this. 

“Sounds cool,” Matteo says, though he doesn’t mean it. He wishes there was some way to communicate with David just how hurt these lies make him, how much he wishes that this was different somehow, wishes that they had compatible marks. David’s face twists as the thought flits through Matteo’s mind, and his eyes fill with sadness and more regret.

“There’s the meeting on Wednesday, though. Should be good,” David says as he looks away and takes another drag on the weed, effectively breaking the moment.

“Yeah, your art is looking pretty cool,” Matteo agrees, and almost breathes a sigh of relief when the other boys notice what they’re talking about and start to join in too. 

“This party is going to be the best soulbond party ever,” Carlos says. “Kiki is so excited. She’s got it all worked out ...”

Matteo tunes out, lets the conversation swirl around him again. The small buzz of the weed is wearing off, but David’s shoulder is warm against his own, and as much as Matteo wishes he could turn it off, the feeling of that body so close to his own does calm him. He leans back again, feels David’s eyes on him as his eyes close again and he sinks into his own thoughts, the chatter around him washing over him.

###  ** _David_ **

The boys are talking about the soulbound meeting and the soulbound party, but David struggles to follow the conversation. 

_ Matteo lied to me_, Sara’s words from class are still ringing in his ears. _ If he didn’t want me to visit, why didn’t he just tell me? _

David takes a hit of the joint and sighs as he passes it on. He has spent a whole gym class with the girls and he is tired of Sara’s hurt questions and Leonie’s anger. He’s tired, because he would rather visit green open spaces or the woodland in fall, he would rather follow a winding path, listening to the music of birds. He would rather stay in the haven that is his home. That’s all bullshit, of course. He’s tired, because of everything that’s going on with Matteo and Sara and he wants to _ stay out of it_. 

Usually, he’s really good at staying out of things. 

Actually, it’s kinda baffling. Matteo has managed to sneak under David’s skin, somehow, and drag him in. It doesn’t even help to run away. 

David glances at Matteo sitting next to him. He looks tired, too, and a little distant. 

David has tried to avoid Matteo every day since Friday. He thought it would be no problem, really. He usually likes to do everything on his own, after all, and he assumed that he could just withdraw and everything would go back to normal. But the thing is, he has ended up feeling like he misses something, all the time. He goes to school, and he exercises, and hangs with Laura, and he does his duties, but it’s like he’s only half awake. Only halfway here.

Now he’s very much _ here_. And very much _ now_. 

He can feel the warmth from Matteo’s body, sitting right here, next to him. It’s strange. Having Matteo close like this feels more comfortable than with anyone else. David can sometimes feel a need to be a little careful if people are getting too close for comfort, especially if they are digging too deep. With Matteo, it’s different. The idea of getting close to Matteo still scares him sometimes, but it’s like… Matteo gives him room to be, and room to breathe, even when he’s close. He never overwhelms David with questions, assumptions or touches. In fact, David’s skin tingles where Matteo touches him and David’s heart beats erratically in his chest so hard that he thinks it might fly out. 

_ Sounds cool_, Matteo had said when David tried to explain why he left on Friday. What David picked up behind the words was _ WHY ARE YOU LYING? _David had almost jumped back from the strength of it, and he had started to talk about the soulbound meeting to distract them both.

David looks quickly at Matteo. What the fuck is going on? The whole thing is so strange. What’s with Matteo’s intent shining through everything he says? 

If David hadn’t known better, he’d think there’s some soulmate stuff going on, just like Laura and Linn pick up each other’s thoughts. That can’t be it, though? Matteo has a physical mark, after all, and David doesn’t, so that can’t be it. Only similar marks can be real soulmates. 

Maybe there’s some dysfunctional stuff going on. That would be just David’s luck. He sighs, and when he notices that Matteo has tuned out the chat, too, he nudges Matteo’s shoulder. “So, how’s everything?” he asks.

Matteo smiles a crooked smile. “Everything? I don’t know. I’m kinda stressed out at the moment, with the exams and stuff like that.”

David waits for a beat, but picks up nothing else. Matteo must be pretty honest about that, then. “Yeah, it’s stress,” David nods. “I’m sure you’ll find the time to read.”

Matteo winces. “Doubt that I’ll get _ enough _time. I’m so fucked. Also, I have too much on my mind…” His eyes drop to the mark on his hand and David must swallow as he sees it. The colours in the mark swirl around, making him feel dizzy. He wishes he could touch it.

“Your mark is very active,” he comments, without thinking, forgetting that it’s considered to be pretty rude.

Matteo keeps staring at it. “Yeah, I guess it means that my soulmate can’t be that far away.

“Probably,” David nods, feeling a sting of regret. He kinda wishes that he could be Matteo’s soulmate. Not just kinda. 

Matteo takes a deep breath and releases it. “I’m just not so sure I want–” 

A want for something undefinable rushes over David and he knows it stems from Matteo. .

Matteo suddenly drags himself up to stand on his feet. He sways a little. “I should go,” he mutters, quickly. David senses a need to get away. “See you guys later?” He meets David’s eyes, and David can’t help picking up on his wish to see David again. 

David nods, without thinking. “See you at the meeting, if not sooner,” he mutters. 

Matteo blinks, and his hand reaches for his wrist. “Yeah, cool.”

“Yeah, see you, Luigi,” Jonas says, and the others chime in. 

David watches Matteo go, and gets up, too.

“I don’t know what’s with Luigi at the moment,” Jonas mutters. “I hardly ever see him.”

David was ready to go, but Jonas’ words stop him in his tracks. Jonas is right, Matteo seems to be struggling with something, whatever it is. 

“Nothing’s up,” Abdi protests. “He’s always like this! It’s Matteo.”

“Nah, but he meant to come to the meeting on Friday,” Carlos protests. “It’s weird that he didn’t.” 

“You’re just annoyed because Kiki hassled you,” Abdi snickers. 

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Could be just stress because of the exams, of course,” Jonas mutters. “It’s probably nothing.”

David nods, but he avoids the other’s eyes and does his best to stay out of the discussion. “I should be going, too,” he says. “Later, guys.” 

“Okay, cool. See you later!” Jonas smiles and waves an arm at him. Jonas is a lot like the glue in the boy group. David likes him. That’s probably why he and Matteo were the ones who first heard a little about David’s background. David regrets a lot of things, but telling them isn’t one of them. And the best of it all - they still treat him just like they used to. 

David waves a goodbye to the boys, and as he goes, he wonders briefly if they talk about him just like they just talked about Matteo, and then he pushes the thought away. If so, that would only mean that he’s part of their group, and that can’t really be a bad thing, can it?

David’s questions about Matteo, his mark, and these… thoughts or whatever that are spilling out of him, spin around in David’s mind for a long time. 

That evening, when Laura is making something to eat, he hangs by the kitchen door, looking at her. 

“What?” she asks, sensing that something is wrong, and as far as David knows it’s her magical sister intuition that’s picking up something, and not a bond. 

“I just… how did you discover that you could read Linn’s mind?”

Laura gives him a quick look over her shoulder. “I guess it was a gradual thing, that I picked up more and more every time we hung out together. How so?”

David shrugs. Things have definitely grown gradually with Matteo too. It’s probably not the same, but he’s glad that it sounds similar. “I just wonder how those mental marks work, is all.”

“I think they can work in many ways.” She shoots him a long stare. “What, wait, have you met someone?”

David’s cheeks burn. “No, no. I don’t think so. Or, I don’t know. Maybe? Probably not.” He sighs out his frustration. “What types of mental marks are there? Do you remember?” 

Laura takes her time as she sits down at the table. “Well, some soulmates pick up each other’s feelings. Others pick up thoughts. I think some can pick up someone’s motivation. And I have heard of soulmates who can sense if something special is happening to the other, too.” She looks at David for a long time. “Why do you ask? You must have heard of these things in school?”

“Yeah, I suppose. It’s just that I have these weird sensations with someone, and it doesn’t make sense.”

Laura nods. She bites her lip for a moment, before she asks: “Matteo?”

David blinks. “How –“

“A guess, based on how flustered you are.” Laura giggles. “Wow. Matteo, huh?”

“Yeah. When he speaks, it’s like I sense the things he’s not saying.”

“Like you read his mind?” 

“No, it’s more like… I pick up the hidden meanings in what he’s saying. When he’s not talking, or communicating in any way, I don’t pick up that much.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I don’t think it’s real, though. It’s not like he’s my soulmate. He has a mark. A physical mark. He’s waiting for someone else.”

Laura gets a stubborn look on her face. “David. Seriously. I thought we had talked about this. Soulmates are a weird business with all kinds of difficulties, but it’s basically just the world giving you a heads up about someone important to you. You might have the statistics against you, but… No matter what, it’s pretty clear that Matteo is important to you. Right? Even if you’re not his soulmate, he’s _ yours _. Are you just gonna let him slip away because you think you’re not the one? I mean– “

David has to stop her before she doesn’t manage to stop. Also, because he knows she’s right.

“Yeah, yeah, Laura, I know. Fine. I’m not gonna let him slip away, whatever you mean by that.”

“Cool. When are you seeing him, then?” 

David groans. “There’s this soulbound meeting –” 

“How fitting!” 

“We’re just planning our soulbound party at the school, that’s all.” David sighs. “I just don’t know… It’s not like I know everyone that well, and with everything with Matteo, I don’t know if it’s a good idea.” 

Laura pretends like she doesn’t hear him. “Oh! It’s on Wednesday? At Matteo’s place? I think Linn mentioned it. I can make sure to be there.”

David stares at her, puzzled. “You’re gonna be there?”

“Yeah, of course, to give you my support. And I can help you escape if things get too tricky.” 

David blinks. “You would do that?”

Laura smiles one of her shining smiles. “Of course. Also, it’s my chance to hang with Linn and sneak at your new gang again. Should be fun.” She gives David a warm hug. “Brighten up, David, I’m sure it’s going to be fine.”

David smiles into her curls. Maybe she is right. Who knows what this whole sensing-Matteo’s-intent is about, but it probably means _ something_. And David should at least figure out what that something is.

Wednesday evening he puts on a nice t-shirt and messes far too long with his hair, before he and Laura go over to Matteo’s place. He’s more nervous than he should be, really.

Still, he rings the doorbell and is let into the building, and then Matteo is there, opening the door, almost before David’s finished knocking. 

“Hey.”

Matteo smiles and it’s like his smile lights him up from the inside. It hits David how out of it Matteo must have been lately, when a smile has this effect. David can’t stop looking at the way Matteo’s lips lift upwards. The way his dimples crinkle. The warm glow of his eyes. Then his eyes flick to Laura, and there’s an unspoken question in his eyes.

“Take it easy, I’m not here for the meeting,” Laura says, smiling. “I’m here for Linn.”

“Cool.”

“I’m here for the meeting, though,” David adds.

“Right, right.” Matteo ducks his head, still smiling a little. “Come in.”

Laura sneaks into Linn’s room before David gets a chance to say a word. He follows Matteo to the living room. A lot of people are there already. There’s some music on, but it’s almost not audible over the chatter. David is met by cheers and greetings. He’s not a big fan of crowds, but this seems cosy, and it’s almost like the good vibe pulls him in. He smiles and waves and finds a place close to Jonas. Matteo is putting some snacks on the table, and then Kiki asks him for some paper, and he goes to try and find some. David wishes that Matteo could sit down next to him. 

Instead David talks a little to Jonas and Sam. What starts out as inconsequential polite conversation turns into something more as they get ideas for the advertisements. Matteo plops down next to him. Which is kinda natural, since the chair is empty. Still, when Matteo sends him a half-smile, it feels _ right_.

Kiki stands up to greet them all and set the meeting in motion, and David is surprised to realise that he’s excited. 


	6. Myth 3: “Only similar marks are real soulmates” (part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 6! We have made a [Tumblr promo post](https://hjertetssunnegalskap1.tumblr.com/post/189206219425/soul-utions-to-myth-conceptions-chapter-622). If you're on Tumblr and you want to reblog that, it would of course make us really happy! So. Hope you like our chapter - kudos and comments are highly appreciated, as always. :D

###  ** _Matteo_ **

Matteo doesn’t have time to register what he’s done, that he’s sat down next to David without thinking about it, when Kiki calls the meeting to order. That’s probably a good thing. While he’s been determined to avoid being too close to David, Matteo suspects he’d just call more attention to the fact that he’s been avoiding him if he tried to move away now. So instead, he tries his hardest to focus on Kiki’s words rather than on the heat coming from David’s body next to his. It doesn’t work too well. They’re several inches apart, and yet Matteo can feel David as if he’s right there, pressed into his body. And that’s not to mention the wafts of his cologne; it’s something soft and woody, something that suggests warmth and security. Or maybe that’s just Matteo’s imagination, because damn is it heady. Intoxicating.

Worse, while Matteo’s been tuning out of Kiki’s commentary, she’s clearly said something funny and David laughs. The rich tones of it wash over Matteo and he can feel the soft clench in his chest at the sound. He’s so fucked. There’s a slight sting in his left wrist, and Matteo glances down to see the colours whirling and the silver flowing madly from one side of the disc to the other. He sighs. He wishes he wasn’t sitting here with this constant reminder that his damn soulmate is going to turn up any moment now. Not when his thoughts keep drifting to David. Not when he really doesn’t want anything to do with the whole business. He doesn’t want some girl. He wants – 

He feels a sharp stab in his side and jumps. His eyes slide sideways to David, who is indicating both with his eyes and his head in Kiki’s direction. There’s amusement on his face. Swallowing, Matteo looks over in the direction indicated, takes in Amira’s furious glare and Kiki’s questioning look.

“Um?” he tries when it becomes obvious that they want him to say something.

“Which committee will you be on, Matteo?” Kiki asks, clearly repeating herself if the titter which runs through the gathered students is anything to go by.

Feeling the flood of heat in his cheeks and knowing they must be a glaring crimson, Matteo shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says. “Whatever you need I guess.”

Kiki beams at him. “That’s great. It’s so nice to see someone willing to do whatever it takes to make the party the best one this school has ever seen.”

Matteo almost groans. She’s so ridiculously overeager about this, but he can’t quite bring himself to make his apathy truly apparent. He may not be excited about soulmates and soulbonds, but that doesn’t mean that his friends aren’t. His mouth twists in something that he hopes looks like a smile of some sort. It seems to be enough and she turns her attention to someone else.

Beside him, David heaves a sigh. Matteo risks another look at him only to find those shining brown eyes on his. “You should do advertising,” David says, quietly, knocking Matteo’s shoulder with his own. “I could do with some help.”

Matteo smiles a little, more sincerely now. “I’d just make it worse,” he says, risking the chance of bumping David’s shoulder in return. “I’m no good at art.”

David shakes his head, grinning. “That’s my job,” he whispers, his eyes flicking over to where Kiki is still holding court. “But you’re really good with digital stuff, computers and that. I could do with help on that side of things.”

Stunned, Matteo gives a tiny nod as Kiki calls them all back to attention as a whole group. He hadn’t realised that David was paying this much attention to him. He feels flayed open, all his insecurities and vulnerabilities on display. It’s such a weird feeling to be seen in this way. Worse, David is actually right. That sort of thing is something Matteo enjoys playing around with.

”I’m glad to help, ” he mutters. He’s never done anything artistic. But fuck he’s willing to learn if David wants him to. 

Matteo hears a small choking noise beside him as if in response to that thought, but when he sneaks a look at David’s face all he can see is David paying attention to what Kiki’s saying at the front.

“So that’s it,” she announces, clapping her hands together. “Now we’ll all get into our groups to discuss the things we need to be doing.” She looks over at Matteo again, tilts her head quizzically. “Matteo, I think I need you with the concept group. They’re the slowest right now.”

“Actually,” David says, raising his hand to grab her attention, “I asked Matteo to help me with the advertising stuff.” He gives her a small grin. “That’s okay, right? It’s a bit much just for me.”

Kiki purses her lips, clearly annoyed, but also clearly unwilling to annoy someone she’s not as familiar with. “Okay,” she agrees finally. “I guess the concept people will just have to work harder.” She glares at the small group huddled together on one couch, and they all nod vigorously.

“It’s okay,” David says easily. “We probably need to work together a lot anyway. The advertising has to reflect the concept, after all.”

Everyone breaks into their smaller groups then, and Kiki and Amira circulate among them. From a distance, Matteo watches as they wave hands around, argue and cajole. It’s not as awful as he thought it might be. Most people are laughing, relaxed. There’s a buzz in the atmosphere and an energy that’s almost exciting. If only it wasn’t about soulmates, Matteo would probably even be enjoying this.

He pulls himself up abruptly at that thought. It’s not something he’s usually interested in, socialising with this many people. He’s always sidelined himself, hugging the walls and preferring to watch rather than participate. The fog, he realises, isn’t as heavy today. He can feel the edges of it pushing on him if he concentrates, but for the most part he feels okay. 

And there’s not even any weed here.

What is here, though, is David.

The _ other _ thing that calms and settles Matteo when he’s feeling anxious or awkward. 

As if the thought conjures him, David looks up from where he’s perched on the back of a couch, camera pointed down at a group of students who are plotting something out on one of the pieces of paper Matteo had struggled to find earlier. He grins, catching Matteo’s eyes and his chest eases even more as the mark on his wrist gets even more energetic. Fuck. What is going on here? 

If Matteo didn’t know David doesn’t have a mark, he’d think there was some sort of bullshit soulmate thing happening. 

Matteo doesn’t look away; he can’t. It’s a magnetic pull. David, too, seems distracted. His camera tilts downwards and he stops focusing on what he’s supposed to be doing. He smiles, his face lit up with delight and he rolls his eyes as he indicates with his head towards Kiki, who is currently squatting next to a group and waving her hands urgently. They’re all looking at her with a mixture of exasperation and irritation.

Chuckling, Matteo nods, then turns back to the concept group he’s been placed with. Kiki had pointed out that since David had no art or pictures yet, that Matteo didn’t have anything useful to do for him and so he could help with concepts for tonight. He’d shrugged again, accepted this as her way of ‘winning’ the point.

“We can maybe have the room separated into sections,” a pretty dark haired girl is saying. “You know, one part for physical marks, one for mental ones, another for sensory etc.”

“I like that,” a small boy agrees, writing the idea carefully down on the paper in front of them. “And we could have pictures of the various people who have each bond type in their section. David could take pictures of them.”

“What about the ones who don’t have mates of the same type?” Matteo asks, quietly. 

The first girl looks at him in puzzlement. “There’s no-one like that at school,” she points out. “That’s not normal, is it?”

Matteo shrugs and sits back, wraps his arms around his knees again, lets them keep talking. _ Not normal. _ Yeah. That’s the problem. His eyes drift back in David’s direction. To his consternation, David has stepped down off the couch and is making a purposeful way over towards where Matteo is sitting.

“You seem like you need some backup,” David says quietly as he slides down to sit next to Matteo. 

“I don’t really like their concept,” Matteo says, just as quietly to make sure they can’t hear him and nodding at the ideas they’re scribbling on the sheet. “But how could you tell?”

David flushes, drags his eyes away, looks carefully at what’s been written. “The way you’re sitting,” he says finally when he glances back. “You only wrap your arms like that when you’re feeling awkward.”

Startled, Matteo drops his hands off his legs. That’s true, but he hadn’t realised he was so obvious about it. Or that someone like David might pick up on it.

“Don’t worry,” David adds. “We can work on the concepts later. This is still only planning, and I can make something better than that.”

“I guess,” Matteo says. He feels awkward, his hands hanging next to his legs. But he’s hyper aware of them now, aware of the things he does with them depending on his mood. Aware that David is watching closely enough to notice what he does when he’s feeling certain ways.

David leans forward, picks up a pencil and makes his own scribble on the paper. When Matteo manages to see what he’s written, he smiles. _ Art. Something abstract. Meanings of soulbonds not specific representations. Pictures that have been altered to reflect the bonds. _

There’s no equivocation; David never uses the word ‘maybe’ the way some of the other suggestions do, and his words are bold and clear. The most obvious things when someone reads the paper.

“I like your ideas better,” Matteo says when he looks back at David and finds his eyes intense on his own face.

“Thanks,” David says quietly. They don’t look away, and the oxygen is sucked out of Matteo’s lungs. He finds it hard to breathe, but doesn’t ever want to lose this moment. It feels like there’s just the two of them, alone in a tiny bubble. Out of the corner of his eye, Matteo can see his mark and how active it is. The green is bright and the silver patterns are etched strong against it. His soulmate is happy, then, and the mark is very close to matching with its mate. Idly he wonders what his soulmate’s mark looks like, and in that moment as the thought flickers in his mind, his mark dims and the silver stalls for a brief moment.

Then someone’s knee hits him in the back and he’s startled out of the gaze, red staining his face as he realises how public they both were. To cover, he pushes back at the culprit. Jonas, who’s grinning at him and holding two beers.

“Get that down you,” he says cheerfully. “We’re done with this planning shit now.”

Matteo looks around the room and realises that’s true. The small groups have broken up, most of the pieces of paper people had been working with are in Amira’s hands, and Sam is making her way around to collect them all. Many people are now lounging back against furniture or standing in doorways with beer or similar. 

“Nah,” Matteo says. “I need to study.”

“Bro,” Jonas protests. “It’s your place, no-one’s leaving yet and you don’t have an exam tomorrow. Lighten up and have some fun.”

He passes one of the beers to Matteo and clinks his own against it. Giving in to the inevitable, Matteo takes a swig as he leans back against the couch he was next to.

He almost doesn’t notice when David makes his excuses and leaves.

Almost.

###  ** _David_ **

David goes to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of water that he chugs down. He thinks of Matteo and feels something similar to panic rise like a cluster of spark plugs in his abdomen. Tension grows in his limbs, his mind replaying the look of hope and longing on Matteo’s face as he stared at his mark. David’s breathing becomes more rapid, more shallow. Right in this moment, he just wants to flee. Go home.

He hits speed-dial for Laura, no answer. He calls again, his heart still racing - no answer. No Laura. She’s probably busy with Linn. He stares at his phone, then he puts it in his pocket._ It’s fine. _He’ll just take a glass of water, and stay here for a little while, and then he can go home. No problem. 

He rests his hands on the counter, taking a deep breath. Releases it. Then he takes another one. He’s just overreacting, that’s all. Working with Matteo has proven to be a little harder than he thought it would be. Well, it’s maybe not the working part that is difficult. It’s just that David keeps picking up all these… signals. And then, there’s Matteo’s mark. His beautiful mark. David can sense Matteo’s curiosity about his soulmate so clearly, and he just wants to get _ away _. 

Because he doesn’t have a mark that matches. And he wishes so badly that he had.

_ Why, though? _He shakes his head, sighs, and tells himself, again, that he doesn’t really want a soulmate. It’s just… when he’s with Matteo, it’s so easy to forget that. 

“Hey, is everything okay?”

David spins around, and sees Matteo by the door. He stands completely still, watching David with something like concern in his eyes. “Can you talk?”

“Yeah,” David breathes, feeling hot in his cheeks. “I just had some water. It’s… I don’t know, it gets a little much, sometimes. With… all the people… and everything.”

He tries to take a deep breath, and release it. 

Matteo nods then. “I know that feeling,” he says, staring even closer at David. “Wanna hang in my room for a little while? We can look at the ideas we have, or… just listen to music. That’s what I do when I... need some space.” 

And it’s almost a relief when David can’t pick up any hidden meanings behind that question. Matteo just wants to offer him a place to relax.

“O… kay.” David’s not sure if it’s totally fine to spend time in Matteo’s room, but on the other hand, it would be nice to get away from everybody else. “Won’t Kiki and the others get pissed off if we hide from the group again?”

Matteo laughs. “Nah… The others seem to have started on the beer, anyway. I doubt that any of the groups get much more done today.” 

David nods. He can hear music from the living room. They’re apparently starting up a party in the middle of the week. Well, why not. If he wasn’t so wrapped up in his own mind at the moment, he might have liked to join them. 

“Okay,” he says and Matteo nods and waves to him to come.

David follows Matteo to his room. He looks around as Matteo turns on the lights and goes to put on some music. It’s a nice room, although there isn’t that much on the walls, and there are still moving boxes standing there. David wonders if Matteo has moved in recently. There are bits and bobs all over, and it’s a little messy. David likes it. 

The music Matteo puts on is calm and soothing, but nothing David has heard before. David sits down on the big armchair, and lets out a deep breath again. He feels better already. Matteo plops down into the bean bag next to him. “Do you wanna talk about it?” he asks.

“Not really,” David admits. “If it’s okay, I’d rather just sit here.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Matteo pauses. “Would you prefer to be alone?”

“No,” David answers quickly, and realizes that it’s true, just as he says it. He really doesn’t want Matteo to leave. Just a moment ago, he had wanted to escape, but he probably wanted to escape his thoughts more than anything else. It’s something soothing about having Matteo here. 

They sit in silence for a little while. David leans his head back, and stares at the ceiling as he listens to the song.

“I think we have some good ideas for our advertisement,” Matteo says, quietly. _ You’re good. _

Maybe he thinks David is nervous about their project. David smiles. “Yeah, I’m actually optimistic. I’m not sure if we’ll get to use the photos I took though.”

“Can we look at them?” 

“Sure.”

“I can get the photos up on my PC,” Matteo says, and goes over to his desk. 

David nods, as Matteo manages to save the photos on his laptop. He brings it over to David, and David pats the seat next to him on the armchair. Matteo sits down, putting the laptop on the small table in front of them.

And shit, the armchair is big, but really not that big. David takes a deep breath as he feels the warmth from Matteo’s body next to him. Matteo is so close that David can see the details in Matteo’s eyelashes. God, he’s gorgeous.

He needs to focus. Luckily, Matteo opens the folder, and they start going through the photos together, and it’s enough to distract him. 

“I doubt that we get to use any of these,” David comments. “We can maybe use some of them for the school year book or something.”

“Mmm.” Matteo looks thoughtful. “We still might use parts of them though. Like, you know, mixed together with other images.”

“Or in other words, _ collages _?” David points out, unable to hold back a teasing smile. 

“Yeah,” Matteo smiles. But then his eyes widen, as he stares at the screen. 

And _ oh _. Oh yeah.

David had forgotten himself a bit earlier, taking several pictures of Matteo. He just looked so good, David couldn’t help himself. Also, Matteo had these moments, when he didn’t think that anyone was looking, and he looked so… honest, in a way. Sometimes he looked vulnerable, other times sad, other times again, really happy. David had wanted to capture all those moments. And now… Matteo must wonder why half of his photos are of Matteo, and not the others.

Matteo looks at him. “Did you take all those pictures of me earlier?” he asks, and David can’t help pick up what he’s not asking. There’s a wonder, like he’s silently wondering what it means, like _ do you think I’m good looking? _

“Yeah,” David replies (_ yeah I did, yeah, you’re good looking _), “Sorry, I should have asked.” And it’s weird, how David can’t ignore how he’s almost saying that he wants Matteo’s permission to like him. Which is kinda absurd, since he’s not ready to like anyone right now. Because he isn’t. Right?

Matteo gives him a small smile and says, “Don’t apologise. You don’t need to ask.” And it’s like he tells David that he doesn’t need to ask for permission to like him. 

“Okay.”

David is dizzy. This is too much. They’re talking about his photos, and yet, they’re not. They’re talking about liking each other, and that… he really shouldn’t. Matteo is off limits, and he has a soulmark, and... 

Luckily, Matteo looks away, and now he seems focused on something else completely. “I have an idea,” he says. “With the abstract art that you mentioned, maybe we could use some symbols, as well?”

David is intrigued. “I guess we could, yeah! What symbols?”

Matteo pauses, and looks like he gathers his thoughts for a minute. “Well, in history, we talked about ancient images and symbols of soulmates once, and I recall that some of them were kinda cool. I’m pretty sure I can find several, from different cultures, that we can use.” He does a quick google search, and David feels a spark of excitement as he sees the symbols that pop up on the screen. They find a greek symbol, an arabic one, a celtic one and a jewish one, and David suspects there are more to find if they look for it. 

David smiles. He loves mixing old and new. This is great. He has known for a while that Matteo is pretty brilliant, and this is not an exception. Matteo has the kind of creative brain that brings such magic and interest to life, one that enjoys the sparking of ideas. 

“That could really work,” David says, looking at the images on the laptop. “It could show that the soulmate thing is universal.” 

“And they could combine with some of your photos,” Matteo smiles, “and maybe other representations of soulbonding.”

David swallows. “Entanglement,” he croaks. Wow. Why didn’t he think of that before?

“What?” Matteo looks confused. 

”You know, entanglement.” David leans forward as he’s getting more and more excited. “It’s from that movie I told you about, right? ‘Only Lovers Left Alive’? They talked about this theory.”

“Entanglement theory?” Matter still looks confused, but something like interest burns in his eyes. ”Why are you talking about... quantum theory right now?”

”I don’t know, but... When we talk about soulmates, this theory just makes sense to me.”

Matteo blinks. “I haven’t watched the movie yet, but I know the theory,” he says. “Something about subatomic particles, that can become entangled, right?” 

”Exactly, ” David nods, grinning. ”And even if they are separated across great distances, a change or measurement to one particle will affect the other.”

Something new twinkles in Matteo’s eyes. “And that theory is often used to explain soulmates, as well, right?” 

”Yes!”

“Aah!” Matteo smiles. “Because everything is made of particles, and that includes human beings...” His fingers drums at the edge of his laptop as he pauses for a moment. “And since humans are made of particles, the entanglement theory can explain the connection of two people, via their particles. Whether they are sitting right next to one another, or in different cities, they are connected and their bodies can react to one another’s.” 

“That was what I was thinking about! They are soulmates in every way possible.” David grins. “So, I thought I could use some illustrations of this theory, as well. To add some modern stuff to our posters.”

“That’s brilliant,” Matteo says. And his smile makes all kinds of feelings tumble around inside of David. Shit. David must admit it, he has a big fucking crush on Matteo. He has a crush that is long lasting like a gentle admiration and intense like a passion, and how can he tell himself that he doesn’t?

Matteo doesn’t look like he notices David’s small crisis at all. “I have an idea,” he says, and his fingers race over the keyboard. “We can use an editing program to make some sort of sketches for our posters. What do you normally use?”

David tells him, and Matteo gets busy downloading it to his computer. When he opens the program, though, he sits back and gives David a hesitant, but almost calculating look. “Can you help me with this?” he asks, and David really doesn’t need to have any special ability to pick up that Matteo really doesn’t need the help. David doesn’t need an ability to pick up the meaning behind Matteo’s question, either. Still, he does. It’s like Matteo is saying _ I need you, but I’m afraid to tell you. _

“Sure,” David says, quickly, wondering if he should tell Matteo about it all, about how he picks up Matteo’s wishes and intentions. Even if this sensing thing is just bullshit and they’re not real soulmates, Matteo should know that he kinda gives out these signals to David. Even if David knows it’s best to stay away, Matteo deserves to _ know _. 

David just doesn’t know how to tell him. He tries to focus on setting up suggestions for layouts. “Ugh, this pc is not like my own,” he mutters, as he struggles a little to find his way.

“Be careful,” Matteo says, grinning a little, “so you won’t end up blowing it up into thin air Or yourself.” And yeah, David almost doesn’t need his ability to pick up the _ don’t disappear _ behind his words. 

Oh, fuck. David laughs a shaky laugh. “I won’t blow it up, fucker,” he croaks, and wonders if he’ll manage to hold that promise. Not disappearing, that is. 

This is starting to get almost too difficult. Matteo isn’t just like an open book, he’s like a book with everything between the lines right there, in bold print, in the open. It’s almost frightening. He really should tell Matteo about it. But how?

He makes some quick sketches on the computer and leans back. “There,” he says. “It’s a start. If you email it to me, I can work on it at home.”

“I can do that,” Matteo smiles. He reaches forward to close the laptop, and his wrist is right there in front of David’s eyes. 

David has managed to not think of Matteo’s mark for quite a while, but now all the thoughts come rushing in. There it is. Matteo’s soulmark. David can see it perfectly, there are patterns and colours, deep green. And silver. 

The mark moves almost like a bird, stretching its wings and arching its back. David wonders if his eyes are playing tricks on him, if the stress of the day is making him see shapes that aren't really there. His hands itch with the desire to touch, to know for sure. Matteo isn’t his soulmate, right? Even if he _ wants _Matteo to be. Would he know if they touched? 

Unconsciously, he leans his hand on Matteo's shoulder. Then his hand slides down, tracing the muscles of Matteo's arm. His skin is hot and firm beneath David’s fingertips. 

Matteo clears his throat and David jumps, his eyes flicking guiltily up to Matteo's guarded gaze.

"What—" Matteo's voice is hoarse. "What is it?"

David looks into Matteo’s eyes. "Your mark. It's beautiful."

Matteo's breath hitches, his eyes widening.

David stares at the mark, and how the colours twirl. "Matteo. I want to—Fuck, can I—" his fingers inch towards Matteo's mark.

Matteo swallows, the sound loud in the silent room. He stares at David, his expression unreadable, before jerking his head in a brief nod.

David's hand trembles against Matteo's arm. He hasn't really thought this far ahead, hasn't expected Matteo to give him permission. Now that he’s so close, inches away from knowing, from finding out one way or another whether or not Matteo is his soulmate, he feels paralysed by indecision. What if he is? What if Matteo is the one person in the world who is most compatible with David? Can he be, when they don’t have the same type of mark? The thought is nerve-wracking and exhilarating, tinged with the faintest trace of fear.

Of course, maybe he will touch the mark and nothing will happen. Maybe Matteo isn't David's soulmate at all. Or maybe he’s one of several.

Worse than anything is _ not knowing _. Matteo and his mysterious mark has been making David both curious and frustrated for a long time now.

David slides his hand down Matteo’s arm, touches the mark and the world explodes. 

Okay, that’s not true, really. But David can feel how the mark sparkles under his fingers. David’s eyes lock on Matteo’s as shivery pleasure washes through his body in an unending wave. He feels glued to the spot, immobilised by the pure bliss radiating through him. 

_ Shit _. This is... This is something special.

But what does it mean?

David blinks. His hand is still pressed firmly to Matteo's mark, little pulses of delight moving through his hand with each movement. Matteo's eyes are wide, staring at David in surprise and something that looks like wonder. 

"Wow," David whispers, the words feeling strangely loud in the quiet room.

"Fuck, yeah," Matteo murmurs. He licks his lips, and David follows the motion hungrily. 

"I—" David starts helplessly. Words are beyond him, and he just wants so damn much. He doesn't even know where to start.

“What does it mean?” Matteo asks.

“I don’t know. We… I don’t have a mark.”

We can’t be soulmates. Not real soulmates. 

“I know. And still, there’s something…”

“Yeah.” 

There’s a question in Matteo’s eyes as he moves his head closer to David. David sits frozen, from both fear and excitement. Matteo leans in, so his forehead rests against David’s. They close their eyes. Both their breaths are shaking. “You make me nervous,” Matteo says in barely more than a whisper, and David can’t pick up anything else from him. 

"Same here," David replies, his voice low and husky, exhilarated from the tension between them.

"But you make me calmer, too." Matteo’s voice wavers.

“Yeah.”

They stare at each other, and it feels like they stay forever in that moment. David wants to kiss Matteo so badly, it hurts. 

"Oh for fuck's sake," Matteo sighs in the end, before his hand shoots out and grabs a fistful of David's shirt. Then he gently leans in and kisses David with warm lips, the slightly chapped skin dragging deliciously against David's mouth and shooting tingles down his spine.

They kiss until David feels dizzy from it, breaking away to pant wetly against Matteo's cheek. "Fuck, Matteo I—" Matteo bites down on the lobe of his ear and David shudders. 

David finally manages to withdraw. He breathes heavily, staring at Matteo. He looks good. His dark blonde, shaggy hair falls in his eyes. His t-shirt clings to his shoulders. David could have kissed him for hours.

Matteo looks back at him with his blue, blue eyes, and… David feels as if he’s wrapped in a blanket of Matteo’s caring. “Are you okay?” Matteo asks, and David is surprised when he senses nothing other than care. 

“Yeah. Actually. I feel alright with you." David smooths a finger along the mark on Matteo’s wrist, feels a tingle go up his spine, then glances over at him. "I find that sort of scary, you know."

Matteo gives David a small smile. "I’m not really surprised." He clears his throat. “I’ve got an impression that you like to know what’s going on. And right now, that’s sort of tricky.”

“Fuck, yeah.” David sighs. 

“Do you think we have a dysfunctional bond?” Matteo asks.

“I don’t know.” David pauses, guilt churning in his stomach. He really needs to tell Matteo about the things he’s picking up. But what if it fucks up everything? “I really don’t know much about dysfunctional bonds.”

“Me neither.” Matteo rubs his arms and picks up a blanket. "It's kinda cold in here. And it’s getting kinda late. I guess we won’t get any answers tonight. Maybe we just need… time. Do you wanna watch a movie? We can watch that favorite movie of yours, if you like." 

“Sure.”

They share the blanket and put on the movie. David has seen it so many times, that he allows himself to zone it out a little. He could feel Matteo’s mark. They kissed. Fuck. They don’t talk more about what just happened, and maybe they don’t need to. David has no idea what’s going on. He has a thousand questions, but right now, he just doesn’t care. He wants to sit here, next to Matteo, and not worry about a single thing.

When the movie stops, David is surprised to realise that he’s not really tired.

"You can stay if you want," Matteo says, but stops when David looks at him. “Not like… I mean, you don’t have to go home in the middle of the night. We can watch another movie. You can borrow a mattress or something.”

David waits, but there’s nothing more. No hidden meanings. David nods carefully. "Probably better to stay. I bet Laura is staying with Linn. And I probably won't sleep much, anyway."

"Well, neither will I. And I've some beer and crisps, if you like." He finds a bag lying on his nightstand and throws it to David.

David smiles at him. "Sounds good." 

Matteo looks a little hesitant. “Might be more comfy on the bed?” he asks. 

“Sure.” David follows Matteo and sits down next to him, on the bed. He feels like he should be nervous, or hesitant, but for some reason, he just feels safe. 

“My turn to choose a movie,” Matteo says. They pull the blanket around them and watch the movie together. 

David is convinced that he will stay awake until morning, but the warmth and the safety gets to him, and in the end, everything fades away.

When he wakes up, it’s morning. Matteo is sleeping heavily next to him. Or, more on top of him, really. With his arms about David’s neck and a leg over his thigh, Matteo breathes softly in David’s face. It’s kinda adorable. David knows he should find it adorable but he likes his space, especially now that he has so many feelings and questions swirling around in his head. He gently peels Matteo off and pulls away. 

Matteo looks so innocent in his sleep. David resists the urge to pull him closer again, and sink into his warm embrace. 

He can’t do that. He should tell Matteo everything. No. He should go home. He needs… He needs distance. Time. He needs to figure out some things. He knows that he promised Matteo not to disappear (blow up), but he must go. He sneaks out the door and shuts the door quietly behind him.


	7. Myth 4: “To be soulmates means you are destined to be together” (part one)

###  ** _David_ **

When David finally crawls into bed at 2 a.m. Saturday morning after pretty much 20 hours of studying, work and painting, he really doesn’t expect to ever get out of it again. School can wait, food can wait, his sister can wait. He’s intending to sleep for the rest of his life.

God, he can’t even remember the last time he’s gotten a solid eight hours of rest. If it’s not school, or an art project he works on, or his movie ideas, there’s always someone dragging him to an activity. Like the soulbond meeting, two days ago. 

He really doesn’t have the time for things like that. 

David sighs into his pillow, knowing he’s being unfair. To be honest, he  _ has  _ time enough, and before that meeting, he hadn’t thought of it as a stressful thing, at all. 

It’s just… It’s painful to think about it now. To admit that he had kissed Matteo and had stayed with him until morning. 

And he really shouldn’t do that. 

The kiss had lit his brain on fire and made warmth go through his whole body. Afterwards, he just wanted more, and it felt like he could barely breathe without Matteo and his kisses. 

That’s exactly why he needs to stay away. He can’t have more of Matteo. His plan is to be smart, do his schoolwork, keep his head down, and get the sleep that he actually needs to function. Preferably, right now.

He’s halfway into blessed, beautiful unconsciousness, when suddenly his mind is pulled annoyingly back into alertness at the sound of a buzzing to his left. He slowly opens his heavy eyelids and rolls over, intending to put his phone on silent and then turn back and hopefully fall deeply into sleep once more.

Then he glances at the display, and at the name popping up on the message. 

Matteo.

And suddenly David can’t forget Matteo’s huge blue eyes and his dark blond hair that’s spiked wildly in all directions. His pout. His laughter. The feeling of his lips. David groans once again and puts his finger on the text.

_ Fuck, we’re having a party at the flat and Hans is a little much. I had to take a break earlier. Better now. _

The words are simple enough, but David is pretty sure that Matteo’s “break” was a lot more than he’s letting on. It’s 2 in the morning, and Matteo is texting him. 

David recalls how he needed a break himself, just a couple of days ago, panicking at the soulbound meeting. He suddenly wishes he could be there, with Matteo, stroking his hair and holding him. Fuck. 

_ It’s good you’re better _ , he texts Matteo.  _ You okay? _

_ Yeah, I’m fine now. I guess it was a little much with the party.  _

David watches the three dots dance before a new message turns up: 

_ The others have gone out to party on, but I’m staying at home. Can’t sleep. Maybe I’m becoming a night animal. A vampire (yeah like in your fave movie). _

A silly vampire meme pops up on David’s screen. It’s annoyingly funny, and cute, and it makes something twinge in David’s belly. He swallows a chuckle and sighs. 

_ I’m sleeping. You should take a cup of tea and go to sleep, too _ , he texts. _ _

_ Tea is not really my thing. And the bed is for those with nothing better to do, David, you know that. :) See you over the weekend, maybe? _

David’s heart speeds up, but he doesn’t answer. He knows that he needs to stay away. It makes him feel guilty to keep Matteo at a distance like this, but he just... can’t answer. Not right now. Maybe later.

He shuts his eyes, trying not to think about how he’s been trying to disappear these last days. But it still pops up, almost like a movie behind his closed eyes. 

Avoiding Matteo should have been a piece of cake, but it has turned out to be a fucking challenge in the last two days. After all, David has started to know a lot of people now, and he is noticed wherever he goes, and he hasn’t exactly been able to avoid his responsibilities, even if a primal part of him insists that he should lock himself up at home and panic. 

The thing is, he can’t afford to panic. He needs to finish school and get his grades and exams and then he can finally get out of here.

So, since Wednesday, he has focused on the hiding part of his plan to avoid Matteo. In between classes, when he has hasn’t been hanging with Leonie, he has found a silent place to sit and draw. After school, he has mostly stayed at home, studying. 

And it has mostly worked, except yesterday evening, when he ended up spilling the whole thing to Laura. 

“Well, I’m not surprised,” she just said. “A blind man could see how you’re crushing, David. Why don’t you just talk to Matteo? Trust me, I’m pretty sure that he likes you too. I can see it.”

And that, that’s one of the reasons why David just can’t talk to Matteo about this. Matteo might like him, but that’s not enough. He’s still very not out, and together with Sara, and David is pretty sure that the two of them can’t be real, functional soulmates. They have a connection, sure. Maybe Matteo is his soulmate, like Laura said, even if David isn’t his? Or maybe David actually is Matteo’s soulmate? Something in Matteo’s mark responded when David touched it, after all. But… It must be a mistake. A dysfunctional bond, maybe. Or just a platonic one.

Not that David feels very platonic feelings for Matteo, but. It can’t be anything else. Right?

They aren’t destined to be together, like soulmates are destined to. Their kiss makes David want to believe that they could be, but he knows it’s just a silly wish.

They are becoming friends, though. Friends with a special connection, whatever that means. And what if their friendship is shot to hell because David messes up? David won’t take that risk. 

So he has done the only thing he knows how to do, and has actually ignored the problem. He has avoided the hell out of Matteo, only replying to his messages in monosyllables to reassure him that yes, he’s still alive, and yes, he’s doing his share on the advertising stuff. And he is doing his part. He’s researching, and figuring out things, and making sketches, and it’s almost exciting. Not that Matteo cares whether he does it or not, though.

Maybe he doesn’t care anymore, at all? 

David’s phone doesn’t buzz with messages anymore. It’s silent. David should be pleased. After all, he’s not forced to answer and he can do whatever he wants in his free time. Especially in the middle of the night. It’s not like he can be expected to hang with the guy he secretly crushes on, and not act on those feelings. 

He needs to sleep. But he’s too tired, too tired to control the swirl of his own thoughts, and he daydreams of kissing Matteo’s neck, cheek, and the corners of his blue eyes. David pictures Matteo’s hands roaming over his body, and he aches for Matteo’s mouth on his, aches to listen to that soft voice breaking as Matteo presses his hips and his warm body against his...

Fuck. David wishes he could just sleep. But wishes have never brought David anywhere, only actions. And in this particular case, action could mean that he loses something he doesn’t want to lose.

In the end, he must have fallen asleep, anyway, because he wakes up the next morning, feeling groggy and out of it. He spends the rest of the weekend studying, exercising with his study group, and working on the posters. He can’t help it, he gets really excited about the art. 

“When you separate an entwined particle and you move both parts away from the other,” he mutters to himself over his papers, quoting Adam, word for word, “even at opposite ends of the universe, if you alter or affect one, the other will be identically altered or affected.”

_ Entanglement _ . Even at the opposite ends of the universe. David feels entangled in Matteo, alright, and they don’t even have a whole universe between them. Does that mean, that if something happens to David, it might affect Matteo? Or vice versa? 

He forgets his question as he studies his art. This collage idea could actually work. It looks good. And it even has a meaning. The only problem is that the whole thing reminds him of Matteo, all the time. It’s exhausting, really. He starts to wonder if this avoiding thing is a little bit excessive. Maybe he’s overreacting. 

Without thinking much about it, he draws a sketch of Matteo. It’s just a cartoon-like drawing, really, where he adds vampire fangs. Matteo had called himself a vampire, after all. Next to Matteo, he draws a cartoon of himself as a vampire, too. He sure feels like one sometimes. Being on the outside. He stares at the cartoon-David standing next to cartoon-Matteo. Avoiding Matteo  _ is  _ exhausting. Besides, they have to work together on this project. David was the one who’d seen to that. 

On Monday it’s April 1st, but David isn’t in the mood for jokes or pranks. He hangs with Leonie and almost escapes Matteo, although he sees Matteo outside the school, talking to Sara. He looks tired. But damn good looking. 

On Wednesday he has exams. It goes okay, but he’s surprised when he gets out of a bathroom break and almost walks straight into Matteo. And fuck, he always feels so bad when he’s caught, walking out of the teachers’ bathroom. It’s like everybody can see that he’s not like others. But Matteo doesn’t seem to notice at all, or he doesn’t care. He stands leaning against the hallway wall with his eyes shut. When David greets him, Matteo just blinks and gives a crooked smile.

He looks tired, though, and David worries. He already knows Matteo sleeps badly. Has everything that’s been happening with David made it worse? 

David knows he should probably talk about the kiss. It’s not like pretending it never happened is very useful. The two of them should figure it out, together. He probably should talk about this whole business of picking up Matteo’s intentions, too. 

It’s just too hard, and he doesn’t know where to start. Instead, he asks how Matteo is doing.

Matteo brushes it away, saying it’s just stress. David just can’t fight the feeling that it’s about more than that. 

A teacher interrupts them, and David is not sure if he’s relieved or not. Mostly not. He wishes he could stay out here, with Matteo, just talking and spending time together. With time, maybe they could figure out how to talk about the important things. 

Matteo calls after him once she’s pushed them away to go back into the classrooms, saying that he’d like to have cheese toasties one time. 

The underlying wish to see David is loud and clear. David’s heart does weird things as he smiles and walks away, it’s throbbing and speeding up, and… He doesn’t know what to say. Or do.

He knows he should stay away. And still… Maybe some cheese toasties won’t be so bad. Perhaps.

After the exams, Leonie texts him and asks him to come to a party with her and Sara on Friday. It’s Abdi’s birthday, apparently. David says that he doesn’t know. But when Leonie says that Matteo will be there, David secretly wonders if he’s fooling himself more than he’s fooling anyone else. 

He’ll go to that party, alright.

###  ** _Matteo_ **

It’s a weird week, strange and contradictory in a way that Matteo just isn’t used to. He kissed David! The memory lives on in the tingle that runs down his spine every time he thinks of it, and in the warmth that flushes through his body when he lets his eyes drift closed and his mind to dwell on it. 

Only … it’s all fucked up too. There was that weird thing with his mark, the way it reacted to David’s touch. The way they may have a bond. A dysfunctional bond.

The way David left. 

_ That’s _ the worst of it. Matteo had thought that David was on the same page, that the meanings behind ‘don’t blow up’  _ (don’t disappear) _ were understood and noted. And yet.

And yet.

He’s gone. 

By the time Matteo woke that morning, David was out of his bed and out of the apartment. He’d thought, in his semi-sleeping state in the pre-dawn light, that he could feel David’s warm body under him, wrapped around him. Thought his breath was soft by Matteo’s ear. Thought he could relax and sleep again, knowing that David would be there when he woke.

But he wasn’t. The bed had been cold, as if it had never been shared at all. And yet, Matteo could feel the whispered memories of David’s body on his own, and when he glanced at his mark, he could see the silver lines now shimmering, holding almost still in the pattern of a bird trying to fly.

Trying to run away.

And so Matteo had sleep walked through much of the week, sending a number of texts to David and getting monosyllables in reply. It’s just subtly different enough that Matteo feels the slow creep of panic, chest freezing whenever he gets one of the messages. But it’s not distant and impersonal enough that he gives up trying.

By the middle of the next week, it’s almost normal again and the frozen areas around Matteo’s heart melt and calm. Sure, David is less frequently in the corridors, hardly ever seen even from a distance, but Abi explains that; no-one is around much and seeing anyone without putting in effort is rare.

Besides, the silver bird in his mark flutters its wings, heating the disc almost uncomfortably whenever David answers. Something in it gives Matteo hope, even as he tries to shove that hope down and not let it have free rein. Believing in a connection between them is too heady, too exciting, too much of what he’s always wanted. Too good to be true. Matteo forces himself to keep the hopes down, reminds himself of all the ways in which a bond, a real soulbond, is impossible.

But the bird keeps fluttering and Matteo keeps hoping.

Matteo almost doesn’t go through with using the sheet of notes he’d made. The sheer act of making it was almost enough to settle him far enough that he could envision taking the exam without having it nearby for reference. But in the end, desperation wins out and he slips into one of the stalls in the bathroom and tucks it into a safe spot. Again, he tells himself that it’s just there as backup if he panics and needs to settle his nerves. It’s not exactly cheating if he did his best to memorise it, right?

When he’s actually in the exam, though, the memory of the sheet hidden away - so close but so far - swamps his mind. It amplifies every tiny rustle, every shuffle, every scratch of a pencil on paper. It’s not long before the sounds are something like torture, running together, a cacophony of noise, and he has to get out.

His breath is short and sharp in his own ears, the raging red of the panic fogging the edges of his world. But he must be presenting a normal front, because his teacher just looks bored when he asks to leave the room. There’s no hint that anyone has noticed anything. No hint that Matteo isn’t fine.

He closes his eyes, tries to force the edges of the red away from his vision, tries to be normal.

It doesn’t work. 

The panic claws at his throat, making it close to impossible to speak, and all Matteo wants, with a deep yearning that shocks him, is his headphones and his music and something cool and soothing behind his back and under his fingers.

After an agonising interrogation on why he wants to leave the exam room, in Spanish, the teacher lets Matteo move out of the room. Once he’s out in the hallway, Matteo leans his head back against the wall, the cool tiles soothing the pounding in his head. This is what he needs. He presses his fingers back into the tiles as if he can still his own rattling heart beat with that one action.

“Hey,” a soft voice says quietly beside him, and Matteo jolts as fire runs around his mark again, the bird’s fluttering so rapid it’s almost a blur of action now. It’s getting out of control, activating randomly in a way that all Amira’s text books suggest means he’s about to bond  _ (has bonded). _ That his life sentence is imminent. The reminder is enough to sour his mood so that he’s ready to snap off the guy’s head before he realises who it is.

He freezes.

If he’d been asked after the soulbond planning meeting, Matteo would have said that seeing David again in the flesh would be good. That he’d be happy, blissed out by the reminder of their shared kiss and everything that brought with it. The promise. The delight. The heady joy.

But here in the cold light of day, and with his fingers pressed to cool tiles for stability and his head pounding, the red fog still swimming at the edges of his sight, Matteo just feels tired. Sick of it all. Sick of hoping and wondering and needing. Sick of his stupid mark and sick of the need to work out what’s going on with David.

_ Why can’t he just be straight with me? _

Matteo leans his head miserably back against the wall and closes his eyes, trying to get rid of the thumping pain that sits in behind his forehead.

“Everything okay?” David asks. When Matteo glances over at him, he looks almost regretful. Sorry for something, as if he’s done something wrong. Matteo grimaces. That’s just great; by existing he’s making David pity him.

“Yeah,” Matteo says. “Just Abi stress.”

“Mmm,” David says, nodding, though there’s a look in his eye that says he doesn’t believe Matteo. Doesn’t think that Abi is the problem at all. He opens his mouth, looks like he’s going to say more, but then a teacher comes out of a nearby classroom and hisses at them to be quiet.

“Exams, boys,” she says sternly, as she turns and reenters the room she came from. “Back to your rooms,” she admonishes just before she closes the door behind her.

David swallows down whatever he was going to say and Matteo has to drag his eyes away from the expression on his face. Guilt warring with affection and a sense of shared amusement.

Matteo’s shaking is gone now, the red fog a mere tinge around the edges of his eyes. He sighs softly and pushes away from the wall. Apparently David has that effect on him. Even while he’s being so … so weirdly hot and cold, he manages to settle something in Matteo. He makes the unbearable into something bearable and maybe even funny. 

He smiles. It  _ was _ a little funny, the way she’d spat out her few words and then disappeared back into her cage. And a smiling David, one who says without words hey we’re in this together, is a David who is devastatingly attractive to Matteo.

Suddenly, Matteo  _ wants. _ He wants to spend more time with David. He wants to chase that sad and guilty look off his face. Wants to regain something after the kiss. So he takes a chance, makes a leap.

“Have a good exam,” he says, nodding in the direction David is supposed to go in. “Maybe we can make some sort of cheese toasties afterwards.”

“Height of cuisine,” David says, a smile creeping around his lips. “Are you sure you want to take it to a level like that?”

Matteo grins. It seems it’s okay, seems like David  _ may _ want to meet again too. “Nothing’s better than a food speed race,” he says. “But we can’t always take it to those heights. Cheese toasties might have to do.”

Grinning now, David nods once, then turns and walks away. It’s something. Not much to go on, but something. 

On his wrist, Matteo’s disc cools as David disappears into the distance. The bird’s wings settle, once again only fluttering. Looking at it, Matteo smiles as he makes his way into the stall where he left his notes.

For a few moments, he considers leaving it be. He thinks about walking back into the classroom now that he’s a lot calmer. He thinks about not consulting the cheat sheet he made. But in the end, he can’t resist. Matteo’s still not sure if he remembers any Spanish from the gluggy sludge in his brain; it can’t hurt to just cast his eyes over the paper, just to be sure.

So he enters the stall, sits down and retrieves the paper. Reading over it calms his nerves somewhat. He can tell that what he’s already done in the exam is correct. If he can keep on with that, he should be okay. Matteo breathes out, leans his head on his hands, once, almost as if in prayer.

Then he tucks the paper away, flushes and then makes his way back into the exam. The noise is still there, the cacophony, the terrible screeching of pens and scritching of feet and chair legs. But Matteo finds he can concentrate a little better now.

The fact that it took David to get him there is a problem he’s going to have to face another day. Right now, Matteo closes his eyes and tries to recall the notes on his paper. He needs to pass this exam.

Too many hours later, Matteo emerges feeling disgruntled. Even with the refresher, he knows he didn’t do well. The language, which he knows he’s not bad at, didn’t cooperate with his brain after he returned. Matteo’s heart sinks as he realises he’s probably going to be doing a resit.

“Hey, bro,” Jonas says, coming up and punching him on the shoulder lightly. “How’s it going?”

“That was a fucking disaster,” Matteo says, moving to his locker and shoving his books inside, dragging out the next lot he has to use for study. He spies the Biology book and shudders. That’s the next genuinely hard one, he thinks. But maybe if he focuses (maybe if he stops constantly thinking about David and his stupid soul mark), then he might manage okay with that one. And at least he has Amira.

“Can’t have been that bad,” Jonas says, his voice light and relieved. His exam must have been fine then.

“Yours was okay?” Matteo says, remembering that he really should ask about his friend. He’s such an asshole lately, he thinks. So wrapped up in his own concerns that he’s slowly alienating his friends.

The look Jonas shoots him, confused and almost surprised that he asks, reinforces that feeling. “Yeah it was fine,” he says. “It’s good to get one under my belt and done. Feeling pretty good now.”

Matteo wishes he could feel the same way. His own exam was so stressful that it has only intensified his worries about the rest that are to come. Still, he can’t tell Jonas that. He smiles weakly, and nods. Then he desperately thinks about something else to talk about.

“Hey. It’s Abdi’s birthday soon, right? We should do something.”

“So get him a woman finally?”

Matteo chuckles, enjoying the thought. Abdi really is always desperate, and this is easy territory, pushes all of Matteo’s own stuff away from the conversation. “Maybe Sam will take pity on him if we have a party.”

“What? A whole real party? That’s only a couple of days away.”

Shrugging, Matteo grins. “Maybe just something small,” he says. “Us and maybe the girls.”

He gives Jonas a sly glance out of the side of his eye and his grin widens as he sees the crimson seeping up into his face. “Hanna would be good to sort that side out,” he says, enjoying the way Jonas starts to shuffle, his embarrassment clear in every taut line of his body. Matteo nudges Jonas with his shoulder. “I think you should talk to her, make sure that happens.”

“Carlos can ask Kiki,” Jonas says, keeping his eyes away from Matteo. “That makes more sense.”

“Mmmmm, if you say so,” Matteo says, unable to resist teasing Jonas. He holds his fist out for a bump, and agrees to get in touch with Jonas tomorrow to work out the party details.

Matteo’s drained, the tiny burst of energy he felt when talking with Jonas disappearing into the strains of the day. He scrubs his hands over his face, the rough drag centering him and he’s able to make his way to the bathroom to gather the small piece of paper he’d left in there.

He sits down on the seat and reaches to where it was located, but it’s not there. Cold fear washes through Matteo as he scrabbles around trying to find it, and he can feel the heat draining out of his face. He drops down and kneels on the floor, trying to see if it moved, dislodged somewhere he can’t feel while sitting. It’s definitely not there.

Worse, if some teacher has found it, they could be watching this stall right now. He has to act natural, as if he has no idea of what happened here. Panicking, he slides back onto the seat, and pretends he needs to use the facilities. In reality, his mind is whirling with a hundred questions.

Where did it go and who found it? Suddenly, the consequences for being found out loom large and he leans back against the back of the toilet, trying to think about what he can do.

Nothing comes to mind. Depending on who has that bit of paper, he could be totally fucked.


	8. Myth 4: “To be soulmates means you are destined to be together” (part two)

###  ** _David_ **

David loves birthdays. He’s still excited as a kid on his own birthdays, waking up to a cake that Laura or his godmother has made. Apart from that, birthdays have become something a little different from before - days to reflect on the year that was and what is ahead to strive for. For him, it’s like a “New Year,” where he promises things like being more brave, or a better person. He can’t say it’s a success, but he tries, every year. 

Friday morning he wakes up, wondering what Abdi thinks of birthdays, and what he wants for his birthday and the birthday party today. David doesn’t really know Abdi well, although he knows that Abdi wants a girlfriend. David can’t provide that, though, and he has no idea what else he can give.

He keeps thinking all morning, and wishing that he could ask Matteo, but he’s reluctant to make contact. Everything is just… too confusing. It’s like he can’t think straight anymore. Normal thoughts barely form in his mind before they are replaced with the melancholy longing and the fantasies of what could be if he were only brave enough to tell Matteo everything. David keeps daydreaming about every feature of Matteo’s face, he recalls every way he has ever seen Matteo’s hair fall into his eyes, he has logged all of Matteo’s quirky mannerisms to his brain. 

He can’t talk to Matteo when he’s like this. It’s like… if he talks to Matteo, he fears that he won’t be able to control himself, he’ll forget all about Sara, and about all his doubts, and he’ll touch Matteo’s soulmark or kiss him again, and that’s really not okay.

In the end, he calls Leonie instead.

“Don’t worry,” Leonie says, like she has told him several times already. “Just bring some beer or snacks, and he’ll be happy. The main thing is that we show up.” 

Somehow, David isn’t sure that everyone will be thrilled to see them. Matteo said that he wanted to meet up with David again, but did he mean like this? When Sara is there? 

David suspects that Matteo doesn’t really want his two worlds to collide. 

It’s Abdi’s birthday, though, and David wants to be there. He’s part of their gang, too, now. 

He still doesn’t know what to give Abdi, though.

That afternoon, as he’s sitting by his desk looking at the project with the posters, his mind goes to Matteo again. Well, if he’s honest with himself, he can’t stop thinking about Matteo, and this soulmate project doesn’t make it easier not to. Poets often describe love as an emotion that people can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. Soulmates are destined to be together, they say. David can’t believe it’s that simple. Still, it feels like it, sometimes. He didn’t plan to fall in love with Matteo. But once they met, it was clear that he couldn’t control what was happening to them; maybe Matteo couldn’t control it, either. David has to admit it, at least to himself; he fell hard for Matteo, despite their differences. Maybe, that's why every minute they have spent together has been seared in his memory. He'll never forget a single moment of it. 

David stares at his drawings and his notes and comes to think of the drawing made of himself and Matteo the other day. It was just a comic, nothing special. But could something like that work as a gift? Maybe he could make a card with a simple comic of the boy squad, and wrap a present with some snacks. That seems like an appropriate gift for someone he doesn’t really know that well. 

He buys some snacks that he wraps in some nice looking paper and gets started on the drawing as soon as he gets back home. He gets a little carried away, and forgets time and place, especially as he fills in the details on Matteo, but in the end, he’s somewhat pleased. He writes a quick “Congratulations” and “hugs from David” and that’s that. He dresses up in a nice button down shirt and tries his best to make his hair behave somewhat. 

He’s strangely distracted all evening, though. He can't think straight, he puts his phone in the wrong pocket and then panics when he can't find it. He finds the coffee box in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard. In the end, he sits down at the kitchen table, with his hands spread around his coffee cup, and it’s like his cold fingers won’t get warmer. When it’s time to go, he’s relieved. At least he doesn’t have to wait anymore. As he walks over to meet Leonie, he realizes that he’s nervous to see Matteo again. Everything feels so uncertain, with Matteo’s mark, and Sara, and the things David needs to tell Matteo. Their connection, whatever it is. David has no idea what Matteo wants, right now. He hardly knows what he wants, himself. 

Leonie is in a good mood, though, and looking beautiful and excited, and she chats and helps him keep his worries away as they go over to the party place. 

The nerves hit him when they enter the room where it’s all set up, though. Sara is already there, and Matteo, too. They are hanging up balloons and decorations, and the two of them are standing far too close to each other for David’s taste. Not that he’s jealous or anything like that. He had just hoped, deep down, that Matteo had talked to Sara. It really doesn’t seem like it. 

He pushes his discomfort away and greets them both. Sara is bright and bubbly, while Matteo is like the opposite. His hand is clammy, and he only keeps David’s glance for a short time, before he looks down.

“This looks great,” Leonie says, sounding excited. “How can we help?” 

David glances quickly at Matteo again. Matteo looks awkward and restless, and he keeps eyeing David and looking away. 

“Just leave your stuff at the table there, and then you can help us with the balloons,” Sara offers. “Matteo, can you help me here for a moment?” 

Matteo hesitates. “I thought I could go and find some snacks.” His resistance flows over David and basically oozes _ I DON’T WANT TO. _

“But you can help me first!” Sara presses, sending him her sweetest smile.

“I don’t want to!” Matteo snaps, staring at her. 

Sara stares back, and then her lips start to shiver. “What? Why are you like this, Matteo? Why are you so sour? You’ve been shitty all afternoon!” 

“I’m not sour.” Without a word, it’s like he’s saying _ I don’t want to tell you why. _

David blinks, feeling a little overwhelmed. Shit, he really needs to tell Matteo about the things he’s sensing. It feels like he’s listening in on something private, something he shouldn’t. Still, right now he’s trapped in the moment.

“Well stop acting like this, then, ” Sara snaps. Her mouth is a narrow line, but her eyes are sad.

“Like what?” Matteo is breathing fast, and staccato, like he struggles to breathe full breaths. 

“Like… I don’t know.” she breaks off.

David can’t sense what she means to say at all, but he still feels like he knows it: _ Like you don’t like me. Like you don’t want me here. Like you don’t want me. _

She doesn’t say that. Instead, she takes a deep breath. “Let’s not argue. You can go and get the snacks, and I’ll finish up with the balloons.”

Matteo just stands there for a moment, swallowing. His breathing is fast, his eyes black, and he almost looks scared. Then he rushes out of the room, probably towards the kitchen. 

David almost wants to follow him, but knows how that would seem weird. He meets eyes with Leonie, and Leonie raises her eyebrows. 

“Seriously, Sara?” Leonie whispers. “Shouldn’t he say sorry, or something?”

Sara shrugs. “Matteo has a bad time lately. I’ll ask him what this is all about later.” 

“You better,” Leonie comments. 

David doesn’t say a word. He wonders if Matteo is okay. It’s strange, it’s like his feelings for Matteo reach out with clawed hand about his neck. He struggles for breath, wishing he could hold Matteo’s hand and stroke his hair and tell him that everything is going to be okay.

He pushes his feelings away and goes to help the others. They get almost all the decorations on the wall before Matteo is back with drinks and snacks. He looks a little pale and red around his eyes, but apart from that, he’s the same. 

David looks at him, and meets his gaze, and the relief is immediate. With Matteo here, it’s like David can lose himself for a moment. All worries, all mistakes he has ever made, are gone. Sometimes it feels like Matteo can see through him, but David is pretty sure Matteo never dwells on his mistakes. It’s like Matteo looks past his flaws to find the person inside, the real David. Just like David sometimes feels he can find the real Matteo. 

Matteo takes a deep breath and seems to pull himself together. “Sorry about that, Sara,” he says, and he actually does look sorry. 

David can’t pick up anything else. 

”It’s okay,” Sara sighs. ”We can talk later.”

“Are you guys ready to party, then?” Matteo asks, clearly pretending to be excited. What David picks up is a strong unwillingness, almost like Matteo is shouting _ I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE. _

David almost chokes, he’s so surprised by the contradicting messages. 

They don’t get out of there. There’s a party starting up, after all, and Abdi is celebrated with drinking and silly games. David is embarrassed when they open the presents with everybody watching, but pleased when Abdi gets teary eyed and happy for the card. 

The party is not the worst David has been on. Still, it feels wrong to see Matteo with Sara. Matteo should be with David. Even if David maybe doesn’t deserve it, since he’s been so avoidant and all. It just feels wrong. 

He meets Matteo in the kitchen at one moment, but they don’t get the time to talk much. 

“We should meet up one day,” Matteo says. His eyes are on David, studying him, as if he can’t get him.

David doesn’t know what to say. _ What about Sara? _ he wants to ask. The thing is, he is pretty sure that Matteo won’t stay with Sara. Matteo’s reluctant attitude towards her is a pretty clear sign. Also, there’s the mark, and the sensing. David and Matteo might not be romantic soulmates but the reaction in the soulmark and their kiss has to mean _ something _.

But then Leonie is there dragging him to the dancefloor. And it’s alright. David likes to dance. So they shake loose and laugh a little for a while. It’s just that he sees Matteo leaning towards the wall on his own and it just… doesn’t feel right. They should talk. David knows he’s been avoiding Matteo and this whole business for far too long. 

After the dance, he gravitates towards Matteo again, and stops up next to him, leaning to the wall, as well. Matteo looks at him, and god, he’s beautiful. He looks tired, and stressed out, and like a mess, and still, he’s beautiful.

David’s chest aches, just looking at him. Standing here, reminds him of the first time they really talked, that time when they had talked about everything from killing parents to cats, dogs and secret wishes. Their talk had flowed pretty easily then, at least after the very first awkwardness. That thought reminds him of his own secret weapon against awkward silences like these. 

“Do you have a pet, Matteo?” he asks. 

Matteo looks at him strangely. “No. Why?”

“I just wonder. Since you like cats.”

Matteo smiles, and it lights up his face. “I do like cats.” David can’t help picking up the _ I like you _ behind his words _ . _“They’re cuddly, but independant, too. I like that. I don’t know if now is the right time to get a pet, though.”

Oh isn’t that the truth. 

David smiles, nodding. 

“And you like both cats and dogs,” Matteo continues. “That’s nice.” He sounds a little tipsy, but not too much. “It doesn’t quite fit the image of killing off your parents.” 

“True.” David doesn’t think he manages to talk about them. Not tonight. “I wanna tell you all about them some time,” he says, “but not right now.” His throat aches, like he’s got something stuck in there. At the same time, it feels like he’s said too much. 

But Matteo blinks, and looks at him, and maybe it’s just the right thing to say, after all. Then Matteo turns to look at the party. “God, I still wanna get away, you know. To Detroit, or wherever.” 

“Yeah,” David nods, smiling of the idea. “That reminds me, I wanted to tell you about some music –”. 

Then Sara is suddenly there, right in front of them. “Everything good?” She slides her arm into Matteo’s. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Matteo doesn’t really look fine. He looks like everything is pretty fucked up, to be honest. 

“That’s good,” Sara smiles. “This party is great.”

“I don’t know,” Matteo sighs. He starts to look more and more restless. “Can’t we just do something else?” _ Go somewhere else? With no Sara, _ his thought says, forcefully. His wish to get away is suddenly so strong it sucks the air out of David.

Sara is clinging to Matteo’s arm. “Noo…”

“Ah, let’s not do this,” Matteo says insistently. And David doesn’t really need to sense what he wants; it’s all too obvious on his face that he wants to get away from Sara. To be honest, Matteo seems desperate for a distraction from telling Sara that it’s over. 

Right. David’s eyes flick over to look at him. He should probably be appalled. He should probably not support this avoidance. He should probably not feel attracted at all to someone who can’t face something like this. But it’s _ Matteo _. And, to be fair, David can’t exactly brag about being so good at facing things either.

Their eyes meet, and Matteo gives him a small smile. He sways a little, and David wonders if he might be a little more than tipsy. “You’re looking good tonight, David,” he says. “You always look good.” 

Damn. 

They stare at each other, like they’re alone in the room. Matteo blinks and glances down at his feet. “You always look good,” he repeats.

David swallows. It’s like Matteo tells him that he really really likes him, and it’s so clear that David doesn’t really need his strange ability to pick it up. Sara picks it up, too. 

Sara lets her hand drop from Matteo’s arm. It’s clear that she’s shocked. Her mouth opens a little, and she looks at David and then back at Matteo as if she’s just seeing them for the first time.

“You remind me of that movie,” Matteo goes on innocently, like he doesn’t notice Sara’s reaction, at all. “You know, the one -”

“All right,” Sara breaks in quickly. “If you guys want to go out, Matteo, or get away, just do that. I think I’d rather stay here.”

Matteo blinks, and looks at her. “What? Uhm.”

Sara stares at him without saying a word, and then she walks away. 

David feels bad for her, he really does. He hates being put in the middle like this. And he hates that she’s hurt. 

But then Matteo looks over at him with his blue, piercing eyes, and he asks: “Do you wanna get out of here?” 

And it’s like David has no choice. No, that’s wrong. He has a choice, but he wants to take this choice, no matter if it’s the morally right choice to do, or not. 

He nods.

###  ** _Matteo_ **

The relief he’s feeling floods Matteo and his feet are restless as he and David escape the party. He should feel guilty about it, he knows. Sara had looked crushed when he’d told David he looked good. _ Always _ looked good. And maybe it wasn’t the most elegant way to tell her he didn’t want to be with her, and maybe it _ was _ a little unfair after he’d told her they had ‘something nice’ last time she’d brought it up. But it’s not like he’s never tried to let her know, and it’s not like he hasn’t been really open about how he feels about soulmates and bonding and … well maybe he hasn’t been as open about how he feels about _ her. _ But he hasn’t exactly been welcoming either.

The thing is, though, the thing is … he doesn’t feel all that guilty. A giddy rush of delight is filling him and he wants to shout and sing and dance. And most of all he wants to be right here, running through dimly lit streets with David. He glances to the side, sees his face and can’t keep the grin off his own. David is lit up, like he’s reveling in this just as much as Matteo is. Like being out here and away (and together, maybe?) is making his blood sing too.

David looks back at him while he’s still staring and Matteo can’t bring himself to care. All he wants right now is to pull him in and kiss him. Again and again like they did last week. His grin widens and he’s totally lost when David’s flashes onto his face in response.

“Where do you want to go?” David asks.

_ Everywhere and nowhere, _ Matteo wants to shout back, but all he does is shrug.

David grins over at him, and nods. “I know a place.”

So they run, together. It’s late enough that all the street lights are flickering on, small beams of light in the darkening world. Matteo’s lungs are bursting, from fear, from exhilaration. From hope. Also from being really fucking unfit. He stumbles to a halt, rests his hands on his knees.

“Fuck,” he says. “How do you even do that?”

David spins to look back at him, and he barely looks like he’s broken a sweat, the utter asshole. He’s cocky, raises his arms above his head, draws his clothes taut against him in a way that suddenly tips all the laughter out of Matteo’s lungs and puts a desperate longing in its place.

“I do PE,” David says, laughing. His eyes are lit up again, dark pools slashed into his face, lashes framing them, and the light above his head shining on his skin, tinting it with a golden glow. “You should try to exercise more.”

“Fuck that,” Matteo pants. “This could kill a person.”

_ You’re so fucking gorgeous you could kill me, _ he means, but he can’t say it.

David laughs again, but there’s a breathless quality in it now and something flickers in his eyes, something wary and hopeful. But then it’s gone. He shakes his head, steps closer to Matteo. “It won’t kill you,” he says quietly before turning to move again as he adds,”come on. It’s not far.”

He does slow down, though, for which Matteo is grateful. The immediate fitful bursts of energy that had lent wings to his feet are gone. It’s replaced by a simmering awareness of David and his every move. He _ wants. _ He wants so badly. And they kissed a week ago. That has to mean something.

Eventually they slow to a walk, all that restless giddy energy dissipated into the still of the night. David walks slightly ahead of Matteo, grinning and looking back over his shoulder. Matteo feels all the breath knocked out of his body every time he catches David’s eyes on him. It’s so much, and the memory of the kiss they shared sits there between them. It’s there in the way David’s eyes drag over Matteo’s body when he looks at him. It’s there in the small touches as they walk close together, teasing each other with stupid pranks. It’s there in the heat flooding into Matteo’s cheeks and the mirrored red staining David’s.

It finally gets too much, and Matteo kicks at David’s feet, trying to knock _ him _ just as off balance as he feels. 

“Fuck you,” David says, his eyes glinting. 

Matteo grins, almost says _ if you like, _ but stops himself before it rushes out, instead saying, “Scared?” David seems to hear the message anyway because his eyes turn serious, the amused gleam disappearing as he steps closer.

“I’m not scared,” he says. “Are you?”

There’s a question in his eyes as he looks into Matteo’s, and somehow, here in the darkened world Matteo is brave enough to answer with a small nod. He’s not scared, though. Not really. David ran away last time, and there’s still a fear that it will happen again, but Matteo can’t hold back anymore. He wants to kiss David again so badly he aches with it.

Then David’s lips are on his and he has to suck in a startled breath. It’s so much more than last time. Because he was expecting it, the flood of warmth through his chest doesn’t overwhelm him this time. That means he’s free to focus entirely on the way David’s hand feels on his face, the way his lips run over Matteo’s. The way his tongue flicks out and into Matteo’s mouth when he can’t quite stop the gasp he makes. So today _ that’s _ what overwhelms him.

He has to pull back, lean his forehead on David’s and suck in a calming breath. There’s something going on here. It seems like the way his mark reacts to David is different to the way it reacts to anyone else. His body flares when they kiss in a way that’s never happened with anyone else either. Not that Matteo’s exactly had much experience. 

“This is some intense shit,” David says quietly, making Matteo laugh in startlement. 

His soulmark burns on his arm as if agreeing with David and he glances down at it. It reminds him of the conversation they had, the one that was aborted because it got too difficult.

“Do you think it could be bonding?” he muses, as much to try to distract himself and get his muddled senses back into order as because he actually wants to know. “My mark, I mean.”

He’s dizzy, and the sharp movement he makes tilts him and he can feel himself falling sideways. David’s hand has reached out on instinct, to grab him maybe, stop his falling. But where it touches is his mark.

It happens again. The mark flashes, pulses, at David’s touch and in time with his heartbeat. The silver in it flickers and burns hot, the bird shape almost looking like it’s really going to take flight this time. It’s an illusion, of course; the mark is two dimensional as all marks are, but it looks like it’s in three dimensions, the bird attempting to escape the cage of the disc.

Heat sears through Matteo’s body, from the disc and shooting right up and into his heart. He feels light, breathless, just like last time. But this isn’t the ‘touchy glowy thing’ he and Amira had discussed. This is … something else entirely. He looks up and into David’s eyes. They’re focused on Matteo and he flushes, realises David has been staring at him for the whole time.

David’s fingers move gently off the mark and everything slows again, the silver settles and while the bird is still there it’s calm again, gently fluttering with none of the frantic energy it displayed when David’s fingers were on it.

“I don’t know,” David says quietly. “But … it feels like it, doesn’t it?”

“Dysfunctional,” Matteo says, and there’s a tone he can hear creeping into his voice that makes him wince. 

David shakes his head. “No. It’s reacting always this same way,” he says, letting his fingers brush the disc again, startling the bird out of its peace, and making Matteo’s heart race again for one moment before the fingers are gone again. “So no. I think it’s a real bond.”

“But …” Matteo tries. He’s not sure how this can be possible. He wants to say _ but you don’t have a mark, _ but he can’t do it; it feels like a lie. Here under the pale light of the streetlamp it feels almost like the weed-infused confessional of his kitchen those few weeks ago and all he wants is the truth. He remembers what David said then. _ I don’t think I even have one. You’re lucky to know you have one. _ That wasn’t all that long ago, so how is this even possible? David had seemed so _ sure _ back then. 

David’s lip is sucked in between his teeth and he looks like he’s weighing something up. His eyes flick down to the mark again, then back to meet Matteo’s.

“I have something I need to tell you,” he says. “But I think it’s going to make you mad.”

Matteo blinks. “That sounds … ominous.”

David tries to grin, but it doesn’t quite make it onto his face, sliding off as he chews the lip again. He opens his mouth.

“I’ve … I can sort of … it’s like I can hear you,” he says. He looks panicked, as if he thinks Matteo might deck him and then run.

“I don’t quite follow,” Matteo says. 

“In behind your actual words. I hear the things you mean maybe? Like just now. You think this is fucked up because I don’t have a mark so how can we be bonded.”

Matteo stares, blinks again. Icy cold fear swamps his chest and he takes a step back. David doesn’t release his hand though, his fingers still achingly near the damn green disc. “You can read my thoughts?” Matteo asks.

“No,” David says. “Not exactly. I can just tell what you really mean even if what you say is … different.”

Fuck.

“Everything?”

“No,” David shakes his head. “Not everything. Just impressions usually, unless you feel it really strongly.”

“That’s just fucking great,” Matteo hisses. “I get a fucking soulmate and he can read my goddamn mind. And what do I get? This stupid fucking silver bird thing.”

His voice rises and his heart races in what he realises is something like panic, and David seems to realise it too. David’s hand slips upwards now, cups his elbow, and the other one grabs his chin. He tilts Matteo’s head, trying to get him to look at him, and when he does, Matteo shivers. There’s a raw intensity in David’s eyes that bores into him.

“First, it’s not stupid,” David says, the fingers that are on his chin caressing his skin as he settles. As if David can tell the panic is subsiding. He probably fucking _ can. _ The thought makes a rush of fear flood Matteo again, and David’s hand on his elbow tightens, reassuring. “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Matteo, and the idea that it’s _ mine? _ Takes my breath away.” He looks down at it, at the way the bird still flutters, the light catching its wings as it moves. “Second. I can’t read your fucking mind, you idiot. I … it’s nice, actually. I just kind of know what you’re really feeling somehow.”

“I guess,” Matteo says quietly, “I guess I can kind of read your feelings too.” He nods down at the mark. “It changes, did you know?”

David shakes his head. “No, I didn’t.”

“Yeah, when my soulmate …” Matteo stops, swallows. “When _ you _ are feeling sad I guess. It … the silver disappears and the green goes darker.” He looks back up at David and smiles. “You haven’t been happy much lately. I should have realised sooner. It was mostly silver only when you were with me.”

They’re quiet for a while, thinking. David’s hand is still warm on Matteo’s face, and he leans into it. He wants this, so badly, but there’s still something nagging at him. _ Why _ is this so different to ‘normal’ bonds? Why was there no ‘touchy glowy thing’? Or at least not the way that thing has always been presented in media. What they shared when David touched Matteo’s mark was intense, for sure, but it wasn’t the soft multicoloured glow surrounding them both that Matteo has always been led to expect.

“I still don’t get it,” Matteo says. “If it’s not dysfunctional, then why doesn’t it react the same? Why is yours mental and mine is physical?”

David shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says softly. “Maybe it’s platonic? Most bonds are platonic, after all.”

Matteo can feel the sad twist of his lips at that idea. He’s right. That number is seared into his brain from countless study sessions with Amira. 60% of all bonds are platonic, so the odds are strongly in favour of that. So maybe all this weird stuff means it _ is _ platonic. All this time he’s been hoping and wishing for a platonic soulmate because he only wanted a romantic one if it was David. And now here he is, probably with a platonic soulmate who is David. The irony kills him.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “Platonic.”

He ignores the kisses they’ve shared, and all the feelings that arose from them. Maybe they came from some sort of residual romantic afterthought from the bond. He’s heard of things like that happening, people mistaking a strong platonic bond for romantic feelings. The thought makes his heart twist with pain.

“We should look into it,” David is saying now, and Matteo gives him a small weak smile. 

“Yeah,” he agrees. They should do it, he knows. There’s still a tiny thread of hope sitting in his chest that this is romantic, that he might get to have it all. He needs to know for sure, and to do that they really do have to go looking some stuff up. Because until he knows for sure, he’s going to hope. 

And hope is a fucking asshole which lies to him far too often for him to trust it.


	9. Myth 5: “Love, and finding your soulmate, is irrational, and something you can’t fight” (part one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here's chapter 9! Matteo and David are still trying to figure things out. This time we have a trigger warning, for a panic attack. So read with care, lovelies. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and telling us what you think. A special thank you to our supporters and beta helpers, including [i-am-a-fairytale](https://i-am-a-fairytale.tumblr.com/) and [saveitforthesongs](saveitforthesongs.tumblr.com). Your help means so much. 
> 
> Hope you like it! As always, kudos and comments are highly appreciated. :D

###  **_Matteo_**

Impatiently, Matteo waits for his next study session with Amira. That’s his best chance to explore whatever the fuck is going on with his mark and David’s. That’s the best he’s going to do in order to get some information. He’s sure Amira is getting sick of all his questions about marks and bonding, but at least with her he can hide behind needing to know it for their exam. Matteo’s not ready to talk to any of the others about the fact that he’s probably bonded with David. _ Definitely bonded with David, _ he thinks, trying not to let a cold wash of fear flood him at the thought of how they’re going to tell anyone else. He’s not ready for their questions and all the intrusive poking from them about whether it’s platonic or romantic.

So he gets to his next study session with Amira early and sits in the library, tapping his pen on the papers in front of him, trying to focus but his eyes slide off them and over to the window far too often. He sighs, glances at his phone to try to figure out when Amira might get here. 11.12. He grimaces. She’s late, which isn’t normal for her.

He notices his feet tapping an irregular beat on the floor as his eyes slide off the page yet again, and leans back in his chair, irritated at himself. Even if he tries to ignore all this soulmark shit, he has to concentrate. He needs to study for this exam. The loss of his note paper from Spanish still has him on edge, sure that some day someone is going to realise it was him and he’s going to pay for having tried to cheat. In fact, he’s unsure why it hasn’t come to bite him yet. Every day that passes with no mention of it is a day his stress increases and fear builds in his chest.

Matteo scrubs his hands over his face, enjoying the slight sting of the skin as he presses too hard. He groans.

“It’s not that bad,” Amira says from somewhere above his head, then laughs as he starts and looks up at her.

“It _ is _that bad,” Matteo disagrees. “I don’t know any of this and I can’t focus.”

She tuts as she sits down, pulling out her own meticulously arranged notes and plops them down on the table in front of him. She nods at the work he has spread out in front of his own computer. “You’re not still on this soulmate stuff, are you?”

His groan is obviously all the answer she needs and she rolls her eyes as she drops into the seat opposite him. 

“I think I got all that stuff from last time,” he starts, and she gives a sarcastically disbelieving stare making him roll his eyes in turn. “I mean it. I understand the boxes and stuff. I just …” He huffs out a sigh, trying to work out how to ask what he needs to know. It’s a delicate balance and not one he’s sure he can manage to get right. Amira’s not stupid, and she’s already clearly suspicious that he’s always so focused on the soulmate parts of their exam. He eventually decides just to brazen it out, so he leans forward and taps the paper in front of Amira. “Okay, so. 60% of all soulbonds are platonic, right?”

“Yes,” she says, nodding. “But that includes a lot of the people who have multiple bonds, so it’s not a 60% chance for every individual. It’s much lower than that for any one person.”

Huh. That’s not something Matteo had considered. The worm of hope wriggles its way inside his chest and makes itself a warm home there. _ Maybe, _ his brain suggests hopefully. _ Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. _

Trying not to give himself away, Matteo carefully asks, “Okay. So for an individual what’s the chance?”

Amira shrugs. “Somewhere between 20 and 30% I think. Those numbers are less precise and we don’t need to know those ones for the exam anyway.”

The hope flares even more. That’s much better odds than Matteo had thought he had, so maybe all the kissing and the _ feelings _ weren’t just a residual platonic thingy after all. The ‘maybe’ flares even stronger in his chest, making him warm. The hope is dashed very quickly however, when she adds, “we do need to know that the probability is higher for bonds between different marks, of course.”

Through the freezing burst of anxiety that chases the hope out of his chest, Matteo manages to ask, “what do you mean?” 

He hopes it sounds just like intellectual curiosity for the sake of his studies, but from the way she’s looking at him he suspects he’s giving himself away with every word he speaks. He schools his face more, hoping to deflect any suspicions she may be harbouring.

“It’s more like 90% chance of platonic bonding when the marks don’t match. For compatible romantic bonds it always requires similar marks.” She lets her breath out and looks over at him with a furrow in her brow. “But we don’t need that part for the exam either. Just the base percentages.”

“Right,” he agrees faintly. “Just the base percentages. 60%, 20 or 30% and 90%”

She beams at him. “That’s it. You’ve got this.”

He tries to smile at her genuinely, but inside his head his thoughts are whirling. It really does seem like it must be platonic between him and David, then. 10% is such a small number, and everything else they’ve been experiencing backs up the 90%. The disappointment Matteo feels is almost overwhelming. 

There’s a strong sense of loss at the idea that it’s all inherently something he doesn’t want, but Matteo knows he’s going to have to get used to it. Bonds are immutable, after all, and there’s nothing you can do to change the type you have. _ For compatible romantic bonds it always requires similar marks. _ His mouth twisting as the words repeat over and over in his mind, Matteo drags the books towards himself and tries to focus in on the other stuff they need to study. 

It’s not easy to keep his attention on Biology, but with a huge effort Matteo manages to stick with it for a little while longer. Amira forces him through a quick fire session on all the topics they have to cover, and winces every time it’s obvious he hasn’t taken in the required lessons. He feels wrung out by the time she lets him go, but he is also somewhat reassured. Amira is horrified by how much he doesn’t know, but Matteo is gratified to know that he actually knows some of the topics pretty well. The panic that had taken up residence in his chest after the Spanish exam and the loss of his notes lessens a little, its clamp-like grip relinquishing its hold. He does know some stuff, and for the rest, he has time to study.

He drags his phone out after Amira leaves him alone again. He stares at it for a long time, chewing his lip between his teeth and thinking. He wants to contact David again. There’s a pull there, which makes sense of course. They have a bond. There’ll always be some sort of pull between them. The problem is that Matteo wants it to be not platonic, he yearns to feel David’s hair under his fingers again, the soft press of his lips and the electric feeling of his fingers on his mark. The problem is, their chances for it to be romantic are very slim, so those desires are fighting against him, reminding him of the things he probably can’t have.

The mark heats at the thought, drawing Matteo’s attention to its presence. He glances down at it to see the bird fluttering, the silver glinting in the mild sunlight. He swallows. A cold flash of sadness washes over him when he sees that, which is completely assholey of him. The silver means David is happy wherever he is, and that’s a really fucking great thing after the long days and weeks of a sadder, darker mark. But it also means that David doesn’t have the same conflicted feelings about their bond. It seems like he’s probably happy that it could be platonic; he was the one who mentioned it when they discussed it after all.

Matteo wonders idly how distant they have to be for David to pick up on his feelings. There’s something really terrifying in knowing that David can pick up on how he feels. Matteo feels so exposed by the idea. Being hidden and being able to hide his thoughts and feelings has always been Matteo’s way of getting through school unscathed. That someone can tell what’s really going on behind all that is difficult to deal with, and makes panic wash over him from time to time when he allows himself to think about it.

As if the thought conjures that panic again, Matteo’s heart freezes, clenching inside him in a way that sucks all the breath out of his body. His fingers shake and he presses them together as firmly as he can, trying to settle himself. It works. At least, it works a little. He’s much less anxious when he lets them drop down to his sides again. Still, he doesn’t like the way this all makes him feel out of control. He really wants to talk about it with someone. With David.

_ Fuck it, _ he thinks. _ I need to tell him. _ He swipes the phone and quickly gets David’s number up. 

_ Hey, _ he sends. _ I spoke to Amira about bond stuff. We should talk. _

_ What did she say? _David sends back, with no hint that he wants to meet to talk, and Matteo sighs. The flush of anxiety rips through him again at the thought that David doesn’t want or need his presence in quite the same way that Matteo does with David’s.

_ That because our marks are different there’s a 90% chance that it’s platonic. _

_ Okay, _ David sends back after a moment.

Matteo glares at the phone in irritation. Okay? _ That’s _ all he has to say about it? He pushes the phone back into his pocket in a huff and tries to focus on whatever else he needs to be doing. Which, if he’s being honest with himself, is studying. Only he’s not so keen on that, would rather hang out with someone or play a game. This is unusual for Matteo who generally prefers to be at home alone in his room doing his own thing. But the sadness is still buzzing in his veins, its presence enough to unsettle him and make him restless.

Today, though, he wants company. But he knows he can’t get any; Jonas is at an exam, Carlos is with Kiki (Matteo knows this because they’ve been sending nauseating selfies to the group chat and posting them all over Instagram) and Abdi has some mysterious ‘other place’ he needs to be. Not that any of that matters anyway, because really there’s only one person Matteo actually wants to be with today. And that one person doesn’t want to meet with _ him. _

He makes his way home feeling surly and annoyed, kicking at stones on the road and thumping music as loud as he can make it through his headphones. He’s getting near when he looks up and his mood plummets even further. Fucking Sara has turned up and is sitting outside his building looking small and sad and alone. That’s not really fair to her, but Matteo has an impulse to duck and hide from her. Unfortunately, then she looks up and smiles, something sad and watery, and he knows he can’t get away from this discussion.

“Hey,” she says when he approaches.

“Hi.”

“Can we talk?” she asks, and it reminds him so forcefully of the words he just sent to David and which he ignored that Matteo winces. He knows she sees it because her face falls and she starts to push up onto her feet.

“Sara,” he says quietly, stopping her before she manages to get totally to her feet and she sinks back down, propping herself on her knees as she looks up at him. He sighs and slides down so he can sit next to her. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I was a bit of an asshole on Friday.”

She snorts, something small and watery and sad. “A bit?”

Guilt pools in Matteo’s stomach and he winces. “I really am sorry. I just didn’t know how to say anything to you.”

“So you didn’t mean it?”

He shakes his head in resigned disbelief. Wishes she would just get it somehow. But when he glances sideways at her, her eyes are fixed on his. Wide and hopeful and sweet. He can’t look her in the eye when he says it, so he drops them to looks at his knee, focuses on the tiny thread that’s pulling out of his jeans. He doesn’t want to hurt her, but he knows this isn’t going to be something she wants to hear. “No, I did. I’m … I think I’ve bonded,” he says, looking up quickly to see her reaction. Her face is white, her lips pinched and eyes sad.

“Oh,” she says. and he nods.

“It’s platonic,” he adds, to be fair to her, as much as he can. “But … I kind of wish it wasn’t.”

“It’s not me,” she says.

“No,” he agrees. “But I can’t tell you who it is.”

He lets his breath out carefully and leans his head back against the doorframe. Beside him, she shuffles and eventually stands. Looking down at him, she should look imposing but she just looks defeated, with her shoulders slumped and her hands shoved as far as they can get into her pockets.

“Why did you tell me we have something nice, then?”

“I don’t know,” he says with a shrug. “I thought we could.”

She shakes her head, and he can see anger sparking in her eyes. “It was kind of an asshole move,” she says. “Particularly if you don’t like me … or … or people like me.”

She turns on her heels and stalks off. He lets his head fall back again, and groans. Wishes he hadn’t done that to her, wishes he’d never said those words all those days ago. It would really be so much easier if she wasn’t right, about ‘people like her’ at least. He’s not ready to let the whole school know about any of it. The bonding, the worries he has about what it means. That he doesn’t like girls. But she’s probably going to tell Leonie everything they just said, and then who knows who else will find out. Leonie’s never been particularly great at keeping things to herself if she thinks someone has been an asshole, particularly if they’ve been an asshole to Sara. 

That, he decides, is a problem for another day. Right now, he just wants to hide himself away. So much for wanting company, he thinks ruefully. This wasn’t what he’d meant at all.

He drags his phone out and sees that he has a message from David. _ Can I come over and talk? _ That’s just great. It was sent almost an hour ago, and Matteo wishes he’d been less impatient when they were talking earlier. Wishes he’d seen it to respond to before he’d met up with Sara. Wishes. Wishes. Wishes. They keep crowding in on him today.

_ Sure, _ he sends back, with a sense of futility. It’s not like this is going to go all that well, not the way his day has been panning out so far, but he’s so desperate to see David that he can’t help himself. _ If you still want to. _

###  ** _David_ **

_ 90% chance that it’s platonic. _

David can’t stop staring at those words. The sentence seems so cold, in a way. It doesn’t sound like Matteo at all.

He had felt like Matteo was about to contact him earlier, and it had made him excited, in spite of everything. Happy. It felt like Matteo was thinking about him, for some reason, even if that is impossible given the way their bond works. But then David got this text. _ 90% chance that it’s platonic. _

David can still feel a hint of their connection as he sits there with his phone, but that’s all. To pick up Matteo’s hidden intention, he probably needs Matteo next to him, or expressing something. Being this distant is frustrating.

Suddenly David wishes that he had Matteo in front of him, so he could get a hint of what he feels. What he wants. What does he think about being platonic soulmates? 

David realises that he deep down has hoped this thing happening between them has been something more than platonic. A lot more. He had hoped for romance. Love. Something that meant something more than just friendship. Even with all his doubts and worries, and with his thoughts about the timing being wrong, he still had this impossible hope.

He stares at the text. He doesn’t know how to respond. He doesn’t know what to text to Matteo, doesn’t know what he wants to hear. So, at first, he just writes _ Okay_.

Then he stares at those other words. _ We should talk. _

Yeah, they probably should. Actually, David wants to talk to Matteo. He just wishes that Matteo wanted it, too. That it wasn’t just something he thought they should do. David knows he has to stop thinking like that, though. Finally, he types: _ Can I come over and talk? _

Matteo doesn’t answer at once. Shit. David’s heart races, as he tries not to think about what that could mean. He shoves his phone in his pocket and goes into the kitchen. He should eat, but he’s not really hungry. He finds some crackers that he munches as he stares into space. Why doesn’t Matteo answer?

“David? You okay?” Laura enters the kitchen, and David feels a rush of relief. He doesn’t have to just wait and wait, he can chat with her instead. 

“Yeah, I’m… Well, maybe not fine.” 

David takes a deep breath. “Have you heard this thing that there’s a 90% chance of a platonic bond if the marks are different?

“Hm, yeah, you know that I know my statistics, David.” Laura looks at him with curiosity as she puts the electric kettle on. “What’s up?”

David hesitates for a moment, but then he realizes that he has nothing to lose. “It looks like… Maybe Matteo and I are bonded?”

“Are you asking or telling?”

“Ugh, telling. We are bonded. But we have different types of marks.”

Laura turns to face him. She looks thoughtful. “Right. He has this physical mark, right? And you have this way of knowing what he really means?” 

“Yeah. Matteo’s mark differs a little from other marks like that, but even so. It’s physical, alright.” 

“Right. Well, it sounds like you have the numbers against you. Still… there could be a chance…”

“I’m not sure I want to hope for that,” David interrupts. “I’d rather just assume the worst.” 

Laura raises her eyebrows. “Right.”

She doesn’t say anything, but he knows what she’s thinking. That he’s being too careful. She always tells him he’s too careful. He knows she’s right.

He doesn’t really care. He can’t afford to believe that Matteo and he can become something more than bonded friends, and then get crushed as he figures out that they can’t.

“Just. You don’t have to be ruled by this soulmate thing, you know,” Laura says, in a soft voice.

“I know.” David stares at his hands, drumming on the table. He’s aware that being soulmates doesn’t rule everything, and still, it feels very much like it does, right now. 

“And it’s not like it’s an exact science. How do we know if bonds are platonic or romantic, anyway? It’s not like we have tests for figuring it out.”

“I guess.” David hardly hears what she says. He picks up his phone. Matteo still hasn’t answered. He sighs.

“Oh! That’s why you’re so restless!” Laura smiles. “You’re waiting for him to call you!”

“I’m not waiting for him to call, I just asked him if I could come over so we could talk. I’m waiting for him to answer. Send me a text.” 

Laura nods. “Well, then I have a suggestion. I haven’t planned a dinner today, and I know you haven’t either. So. Why don’t you make us an omelette while you’re waiting? I can help.” 

And okay, that isn’t such a bad idea. David is hungry, after all. So he makes the omelette, while Laura chops up some lettuce and tomatoes. She keeps the conversation going, talking about small and silly things that have happened during her day. David knows very well what she’s trying to do, and he’s grateful. They make the food and manage to eat it before he even thinks about his phone. Well, he doesn’t think about it much, anyway. 

The reply from Matteo finally comes after an hour, when they have finished eating and Laura has gone back to her room. David is startled as he hears the ping. He picks up his phone without looking at it, chewing his lip and frowning down at the floor. What if Matteo doesn’t actually want to meet up and talk, and has only been asking David to meet to be… fair? No, that doesn't sound right. David knows that Matteo likes spending time with him. And they do need to talk. Matteo even sent him that text first; there’s no reason to think he doesn’t want to meet.

They should figure out what this bond is about. Although it hurts to think that it’s probably only a platonic thing, David is curious about what it means. What they can do. Maybe they can figure out more about Matteo’s mark? David even feels an urge to paint Matteo’s mark. And he wonders if just spending time with Matteo can be enough. Maybe. 

That’s bullshit, of course. He’s glad that Matteo can’t pick up _ his _hidden wishes and needs. That would have been horrible. And embarrassing. David sighs, and finally opens his phone. 

_ Sure_. _ If you still want to _

Okay. David nods to himself and put the phone in his pocket, staring up at the ceiling. Then he gets going. 

Matteo’s place is a little quiet when David approaches the flat. David supposes that a lot of them are out. He buzzes the door, and Linn opens. 

“Laura isn’t here,” Linn says, looking a little confused. 

“No, I’m here to visit Matteo,” David explains. 

”Oh alright. Of course.” She lets him in, and there’s Matteo, already, standing in the hallway.

David starts as his eyes lock onto Matteo’s, as though he hadn’t expected him to actually be there. In David’s defence, Matteo looks like he’s been taken off guard as much as David was, but David manages to recover quicker.

”Hi,” David says, clearing his throat.

“Hey.” Matteo’s eyes snap up from where they’ve been trailing down David’s body and he stands up, gesturing to David to come in.

Matteo looks good. A little on edge, his eyes flitting here and there and his feet tapping restlessly, but good. “Do you want something to... uh, drink? Like tea, or something?” His eyes look incredibly blue against his grey hoodie, and David forces himself to look away, lest Matteo catch him staring and start thinking he’s a fool.

“No, thanks, I’m good.” To be honest, David is too nervous to put anything in his mouth right now. He follows Matteo into his room. 

“Well I guess we have lots to talk about,” Matteo says. “So let’s get started, shall we?”

He plops down into his bean bag and David sighs, but nods and takes the two seat thing next to him. 

Matteo finds a thing with feathers that he starts to fiddle with, twisting it back and forth in his hands. “So. You’re the one that wanted to come here,” he points out, clenching his jaw. “Do you want to start?” 

“Sure. One thing is the statistics you sent me. I guess I’d like to know more about how we are as soulmates, too. How it all works.”

Matteo nods slowly. “Do you know much about bonding?”

“Not really,” David admits. “I’ve found most of it by googling it.”

Matteo is lost in thoughts for a moment, but then it seems like David’s comment finally seeps in. Matteo looks at David, gives an exasperated look and laughs. “Googling it?”

“What, there’s lots of information about soulmates out there?” David says, mostly just to be a little shit. He wants to see Matteo smile again. Matteo hasn’t smiled much today.

“And I assume that most of it is incorrect,” Matteo replies, finally smiling. “I would have thought that you would want facts about the bond to your soulmate.”

“I do,” David says. “I just don’t mind googling a little, and I’m sure you’ve done it a lot, too.”

Matteo blushes. “Well, yeah. I guess I have, a bit.” He pauses for a moment. “We could test out things, too. Like, how the bond response to different things.”

“Like, how your mark responded when I touched it?”

Matteo swallows. “Yeah, maybe? Or, like… How we can feel the bond sometimes?” He suddenly looks a little awkward. “For instance, I can feel a connection sometimes when I’m thinking about you, or we’re going to connect somehow. It’s not the same, but …” He trails off, as if he’s not sure what he’s trying to say, but David gets it.

“Yeah, I can feel that, too,” David breathes.

“So. We know there’s a connection –” 

Matteo gets cut off by a text ticking in on his phone. He picks it up and looks at it, but puts it away without answering. “Just my mom,” he says. “She keeps sending me these Bible quotes. She’s just –”

He looks quickly at David and shuts his mouth. “Fuck it. I can’t really be flippant or lie about anything, can I?” he mutters. 

“What?” David asks, confused.

Matteo sighs. “I sometimes keep some stuff to myself. Like stuff about my mom. Now that you pick up what I mean, I can’t really do that.”

“You can,” David says, softly. “You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“It’s okay,” Matteo shrugs. “My mom struggles with panic attacks and stuff like that. And she’s very religious. After dad left, it was too much to stay with her. So I moved here. And… I don’t know, I just wish we talked more, I suppose.” 

_ I wish I didn’t abandon her. _

Oh, right. Sara had talked about some family stuff, once. 

“Okay, yeah,” David nods. “That makes sense. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” Matteo sighs. Then he doesn’t say more. 

“So,” David says after a little while. “It seems like it’s likely that we have a platonic bond, then?” 

Matteo nods, but he’s keeping his mouth shut. David wishes he could pick up what Matteo feels about it all, but he can’t sense a thing. And maybe that’s a sign. Matteo probably doesn’t want anything more than a platonic bond. Shit.

David suddenly can’t take his eyes off Matteo’s mark. The mark has turned dark green and the silver is so dark it’s almost charcoal and is only a small sliver around the darkened edges of the disc. Because, of course, David feels utterly shit about this. He really doesn’t want it to be just a friend bond. He wants something more. 

Matteo follows his gaze. “What?” he says, when he sees the colour of the mark. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” David lies. ”It’s nothing.”

Matteo gives him a _ look, _but David just shakes his head. “Can we figure out more about the bond being platonic or not?”

“I don’t know.” Matteo shuts his mouth again. 

“I just… how do we even know? It’s not like there’s a test or anything, right?” David says, knowing he’s parroting what Laura had said earlier. “It’s not like we can take a blood sample and know?” 

Matteo shrugs. “Guess not.” 

“It just makes me wonder, that’s all.” David sighs. “What do you think about it all? Do you think that it’s platonic, or?” He means _ do you prefer it to be platonic? _ but can’t quite make himself say it aloud.

Matteo stares at him, but it’s like he freezes completely. Oh. David realizes that Matteo has been pausing a lot when they have been talking, maybe because he wants to keep something to himself. Because he doesn’t want David to know the things he’s thinking and feeling.

“Please stop doing that,” David asks.

“What?”

“Stop pausing and shutting your mouth. I said I can’t read your mind, didn’t I?”

“But you do sense things that I _ want _.” Matteo looks devastated, like it’s suddenly becoming more real to him.

“Yeah, but mostly just when you say something that hints to whatever you want. Like, when you said that you don’t like it if someone tells you that you should like cats or dogs, I could hear underneath...”

“Oh!” Matteo pales visibly. “I basically outed myself to you, didn’t I? I mean, I didn’t think about being gay as we talked about it, but I guess it crossed my mind! Fuck!” Matteo’s breath hitches and he stares at David with wide eyes. ”This is worse than mind reading, David!”

_ Shit_. David didn’t mean to make it worse. “No, I mean, it wasn’t as clear as that, especially not back then.”

“That doesn’t really help,” Matteo groans. He’s distracted suddenly by the memory of that conversation. His eyes flick over to David’s and he gasps. “Wait, does that mean that when you said you liked both cats and dogs…?”

“Kind of. I’m pansexual,” David says, quickly, because this is a much better line of conversation than the one where Matteo thinks David is a mind reader. “I do like both cats and dogs, too, though. I guess you can say I like all kinds of animals.” He gives a crooked smile, tries to ease the situation a little.

It doesn’t work. At all. Matteo doesn’t smile back. There’s a distance in his eyes and he’s breathing all wrong, almost gasping. He looks almost panicked, actually. Clearly the temporary distraction of the cats and dogs thing has disappeared and Matteo is back stressing out again. 

“Fuck, you can sense…” His voice comes out thin and distanced, and he doesn’t seem to be able to finish that sentence, at all. He breathes in shallow gasps.

“It’s not that bad, is it?” David asks, carefully, hoping to get them out of this conversation and past this problem. “It just happens when you say things or express things but mean something more than the things you say.”

Matteo glares at him for a long moment before he grinds out, “I do that all the time! People do that all the time, David!” Suddenly the words are spilling out of Matteo. He gets up off the bean bag and starts pacing back and forth. “It’s like subconscious! How can I ever manage to avoid spilling that! I don’t want to share stuff like that, all the time! Don’t you understand? I need to keep some things to myself!” He’s suddenly breathing heavily, looking panicked and cornered. His eyes are wild and he’s twisting the feather thingie in his hands more vigorously than ever.

“Matteo –” 

“Fuck, I need to take a smoke.” He gets up and starts to search for something on his desk. The distress he shows is nothing compared to what David is sensing. There’s a strong feeling of being overwhelmed, and a need to breathe. To get away. It’s like Matteo is suffocating, and his whole being is shouting out _ I need air. I need air I need air I need – _

“It’s okay,” David tries. He feels helpless, knowing that Matteo can hardly hear him. All David can sense is Matteo’s panic, and he knows that talking to him doesn’t help much with something like this. But it doesn’t stop him trying; he can’t help but want to soothe his bonded partner. “Matteo. Look at me. Can I get you something?”

“I need to be alone,” Matteo says_ (don’t want you to see me like this) _ and David gets up. 

It hurts that Matteo wants him gone, but Matteo’s panic makes it easier to understand. David can relate to that feeling. He feels lost and helpless, but he also knows what he has to do.

“Okay. But I need to know that you’ll be fine before I go.” David says. 

Matteo nods, gripping the desk before him, shutting his eyes. “I will. Fuck, just leave. Just for now.” (_leave me alone _). 

Shit. David knows it’s the panic, and still, it hurts. He swallows. Can feel the panic beating in his own chest even while he tries to keep himself calm to help Matteo. Even though the best help he can be is… not being here.

“Okay, Matteo. I’m going. I’ll let Linn know that you’re not feeling good. You can call me if you want to. Okay?”

Matteo just nods. His face is red, and he’s quivering. 

David takes one final look back over his shoulder at Matteo. He’s still hunched over his desk, his fingers gripping so hard they’re white. His breathing is still shallow and anxious, but it seems less intense now. Matteo is trying to get under control, then, and has clearly done this before. David drags his eyes away, wants to stay, but also feels like he’s part of the problem. He wants to stay, but instead, he makes himself leave. It’s not enough, not by a long shot. But it’s all he can do.


	10. Myth 5: “Love, and finding your soulmate, is irrational, and something you can’t fight” (part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi! We've decided to take a little break next week what with it being holiday season and us being super busy and all. So tune in again in two weeks' time for the next installment. In the meantime, please enjoy this chapter!

###  ** _Matteo_ **

It’s not a full blown panic attack, and Matteo is grateful for that. He’s shocked, though, by how suddenly it comes along. He hasn’t felt so out of control of his own body in years. It’s the panic that forces him to push David away, to send him out of the room with a wildness that’s not normal for Matteo. The stress of everything has crashed in, and knowing David can sense every single thing he feels is too much for Matteo to cope with. So he makes him leave, even as part of him would like the security of his presence. 

As David leaves, Matteo finds his music and his weed, and curls up on his bed, his only movement the trembling of his limbs. Just like the several times this has happened before, his heart is hammering and his thoughts are accelerating inside his head. The music does nothing to still the whirl of those thoughts and so he finds himself trapped, coiled up in all the things that have been overwhelming him lately. David and the sensing thing, his exams, the missing cheat sheet. It all pounds in on him with no relief, one replacing the other with wearying constancy, over and over until he wants to open his head and force them all out of himself. There he stays, almost unaware of the passing afternoon until an hour or so later when he finds the chaos of feelings is passing. He opens his eyes and gets up. Though he’s still shaking, he's made it. 

Shit, he’d pushed David away.

He didn’t mean it though. Wants him back with an ache that’s more intense than the attack had been, wishes he hadn’t been so hasty in his fear. Wishes that the loss of control hadn’t hit so forcefully and out of the blue after so long.

That, as much as anything else, makes him feel shaky and off kilter as his breathing finally starts to return to normal and his body loses some of its shaking. He’s scared by the knowledge that he can lose control just as easily now as he used to before he got used to the way it feels and learned how to prevent it. None of that had helped this time when everything had overcome him so quickly.

But David, and this bond, has him on edge, out of routine in a way that’s as alarming as it is exhilarating.

It’s fucked up the way this bond works. As much as David says it’s not mind reading, it sure feels like it to Matteo. He feels wobbly and vulnerable when he thinks about it. He’d been filled with some sort of bravado when he’d pointed out that his own mark shows something of David’s feelings. But it’s not the same thing. David can tell, for  _ sure, _ when Matteo is keeping something back. He will be able to tell that for the entirety of their lives. All Matteo can do is tell the difference between happy David and sad David. Which is nothing much at all because Matteo kind of already could tell those things just by looking at him.

He sighs, drawing in a slow, shaking breath and stares at himself in a mirror. He looks pale and anxious as he raises trembling fingers to scrub at his face. This really sucks. He yearns towards David with an intensity that surprises him, particularly when he’s feeling as terrible as he does right now. 

A small part of him wants to reach out and beg him to return. But every time his fingers twitch in the direction of his phone he can feel the creep of panic coming again. When he’s with David he’s vulnerable. Vulnerable to all the things he thinks but doesn’t want David to know.

_ I want a romantic bond _

_ I think I might be falling for you _

_ I don’t think you want me _

_ I want you to want me. _

It’s all right there, brightly lit up as neon signs in his mind. And David might see it, notice it, any time they’re together. Those thoughts he can’t control, those thoughts that hover so easily on the edge of every waking moment, those thoughts would give him away to David at any moment.

He wants a romantic bond, now that he knows it’s David. He yearns for it with an intensity he couldn’t imagine just a few short weeks ago. And yet, they have a platonic bond, David is happy with that, and Matteo has to spend the rest of his life trying to hide those feelings because he can’t do  _ that _ to the one person he’s tied to forever. He can’t deny him the possibility of a romance with someone he really wants. He can’t let David know the way he feels because he doesn’t want to see the pity and the kind rejection he knows would cover that face if he did.

So he twitches his hand away from the phone, and then shoves it deep into a drawer for good measure, and makes his way out into the living space to try to find someone to take his mind off everything.

Linn is there, working in the kitchen as she hums and puts together something to eat. She looks up with a smile when he enters.

“You can help!” she says, excitedly. “I don’t know how to make pancakes, but I wanted to eat some.”

Matteo looks around at the mess all over the counters and he grimaces. It’s obvious that she’s right about that; there’s something that almost looks like batter in front of her, with splashes of it on her nose and smeared on her cheeks. He’s exhausted, and not really happy at the idea that he has to cook. And yet, she looks so helpless as she gazes at him and he thinks it might actually take his mind off the disaster he’s facing now.

So he smiles at her and steps into the room. “What’s the occasion?” he asks as he draws the bowl out from in front of her and looks down at the goopy mess.

She beams. “Laura is coming over and I wanted to cook something for her.”

Swallowing against the sudden cold fear that spikes in his chest at the thought that he’s going to have to face David’s sister soon, Matteo manages to smile over at her.

“You thought making something you don’t know would be a good idea?”

Linn shrugs, an unperturbed smile on her face. “Laura knows I can’t cook; she just likes it anyway.”

Matteo looks at her sideways as he finds a whisk and sets about eliminating the lumps she’s made. It’s strange, he thinks. Those two have a mental bond, so they must also know each other’s thoughts and feelings. Why does Linn enjoy it? Why isn’t the way she must be flayed open to Laura paralysing her with dread? Why doesn’t she seem tired of any of it?

“Doesn’t it get exhausting?” he asks, deciding to focus on that last thought to start with, and she squints over at him in confusion. “Reading each other’s thoughts all the time?” he clarifies, and she shakes her head, smiling.

“No,” she admits, scrubbing at her face to get the mixture off it and leaving pink trails in among the splotches of batter. “It’s not like that. Contrary to what many people think, it’s not like her thoughts come in clear strings of information, or anything.” 

“No?”

“No. Sometimes it comes in flashes, like if Laura has strong feelings, or is hurt. Mostly it’s more of a sense of what she’s feeling.” Linn stops scrubbing at her face and beams over at him. “It’s actually really nice. It feels like we’re tuned in to each other.”

“Tuned in,” Matteo muses as he passes the bowl back to her, lump-free and ready to cook. 

She squints at it again, looking even more confused and he manages a laugh. “Heat a pan and pour a little in at a time,” he says, dragging one out of the cupboard and passing it to her. She smiles her appreciation and sets about doing what he says.

“I thought you were good at cooking,” Matteo says. “You made us dinner, and all!” 

Linn smiles. “That was mostly Hans. He always drags me to help him cook when I feel bored or shitty, you know.”

Matteo looks at her quickly, wondering if making something for Laura is the only reason that Linn decided to make pancakes. In the end, he decides that it doesn’t matter. This is nice. 

They work in companionable silence for a while, Linn pouring the batter into the pan and Matteo cooking the pancakes. Suddenly, her body draws up and she’s grinning and turning to the door. A few seconds later, the buzzer rings and she slips out to let Laura in.

Matteo watches them as they come back into the kitchen, arms wrapped around each other. They’re so in tune and his heart sinks. He wants that too, but he doesn’t see how he can ever manage it. Not when David has such an advantage over him. He keeps an eye on them out of the corner of his eye as he methodically keeps cooking the pancakes. 

They’re so wrapped up in each other, sharing small glances and seeming to speak without any words needed. He could have something like that, he thinks, if he can only figure out how to keep his embarrassing thoughts from David. The problem is that particularly giant elephant in the room. There’s not much he  _ can _ do to counter David’s power over him.

Eventually, Laura notices him watching and sidles up to him, giving Linn a look as she does so. Linn smiles, the two of them clearly communicating something, and then starts putting plates onto the table.

“How are things?” Laura asks carefully once she’s perched leaning up against the counter next to him, and Matteo winces. She knows, it’s obvious that she’s either picked up on something or that David has told her, and Matteo can feel the slow clutch of panic at his chest again as he thinks about  _ what _ David might have said to her.

“It’s … things are good,” he says carefully, pretending all his energy is so focused on the cooking that he can’t possibly expand further on that idea. He can still see her out of the corner of his eye, though, and notices the small purse of her lips as she contemplates him.

She leans back against the counter, placing her drinks next to her and turns her intense focus onto him. For several long seconds she watches him closely. It’s uncomfortable to be under her scrutiny like this and as much as Matteo is trying to ignore her, he finds himself fumbling the pancakes as he flips them.

“David came home a bit upset today,” she says finally, and he might have mistaken it for casual if he didn’t know where David had come from and what he might have been upset about. Matteo can feel the heat rising into his cheeks, and he forces himself to keep his focus on the cooking, unwilling to look into her eyes and see whatever it is she feels there. She will, of course, take David’s side and so Matteo feels a tension from this small conversation. He feels observed and vulnerable. Fragile. It’s not easy being under this sort of focus after the afternoon he’s just had.

When it becomes obvious he’s not going to say anything, she nods briefly and pats his arm. “You should talk,” she says. “It’s…” She looks over at Linn thoughtfully for a moment and looks as if she’s weighing something up, but then she smiles at him. “It’s not a good idea to push against a bond. It only hurts worse in the long run.”

He swallows again, glances sideways at her. She looks compassionate, as if she gets it, and he wonders what she means by those words. It’s almost like she’s experienced something similar herself. He nods even though he doesn’t really get it, because his bond exposes him to someone else in a way that’s difficult to accept.

“Yeah,” he agrees, though, because intellectually he knows she’s right. “I know.”

She smiles and moves away to sit with Linn at that table, and by the time Matteo has composed himself enough to bring the pancakes over they’ve moved onto a heated discussion of a new show on Netflix and he feels like he’s off the hook. 

But even so, Laura’s words stick with him.  _ It only hurts worse in the long run. _ As they eat, he thinks about contacting David. They really do need to talk, and Matteo is going to have to learn to live with the mental thing. Once they’re done, then, he grabs his phone from where he’d shoved it in his drawer and pulls up David’s contact.

_ Hey, _ he sends quickly before his nerve can fail him.  _ I’m sorry about before. We should talk? _

The answer comes almost at once:  _ Hey, u ok? _

Warmth rushes through Matteo and he tries to control his sudden stuttering heartbeat as he types an answer:  _ Yeah, better. _ There’s something so nice in the idea that David’s first instinct when Matteo contacted him was to ask about his welfare. It feels good… like they could build something if Matteo can just get over his fears about the way the bond works.

He wonders if David wants to come over, if that might be the best thing. Matteo doesn’t really want to be here, though, when Laura and Linn are here. Having others able to intrude on the conversation they need to have doesn’t sit right with Him. Maybe they could meet at David’s place instead?

_ Cool _ , David texts, surprising Matteo with a suggestion:  _ Would you like to get away for a little while? Do something? _

And actually… yeah. Matteo would like to get away; somewhere outside of his flat, and neutral, probably could work best.

_ Yeah, that sounds good,  _ he sends back _ . _

_ Okay. I have an idea. Meet me  _ _ here.  _

Matteo stares at the numbers that pop up on his screen.  _ Oh.  _ coordinates. What the fuck? It all makes things happen inside of him, a swirling maelstrom of emotions, and he feels a weird mix of joy and fear, but in a good way. A way that makes him hope that maybe they can work something out of this mess.

_ What is this?  _ he texts.  _ I mean, I get it’s coordinates, but what? _

Of course, David doesn’t answer his question. Instead he texts: _ Just bring warm clothes, and I’ll work out the rest. _

Huh. Not somewhere inside, then. How mysterious. Matteo must smile. His fingers race over his phone:  _ Are you sure that bringing me to an unknown cold place is the best thing to do after a panic attack? _

It takes a while before the dancing dots on his phone turn into an answer, and Matteo feels a delayed sting of regret. Should he joke about something like that? He must be allowed to joke about it, right?

The relief is instantaneous when he gets his answer:  _ Well, you said you are better. And I just think that whatever I do, it can’t be worse than having a panic attack. So. Worth a try? _

Wow. That’s just so simple, true and funny, in a way, that it makes Matteo stare at his phone in awe.

_ Good point _ , he types, smiling.  _ See you there? Twenty minutes? _

_ Yeah, twenty minutes. :) _

  
  


###  ** _David_ **

David stares at his notebook and the papers on the desk in front of him. He’s trying to draw and paint a little to get his mind on something else, on his posters or on the soulbond party, but it just doesn’t work.  _ Entanglement. _ He sure feels like he’s entangled with Matteo. Everything’s a huge, messy tangle. Fuck.

Matteo is not feeling good, and David can’t fight the feeling that he should be with him. He can feel the need to be with Matteo in every bone. But Matteo had needed him to go. The thought is painful, but he knows it’s true. 

Laura had given him a hug when she saw how upset he was when he came back home from Matteo’s, but she couldn’t say much more than that it would be okay. Everything would be okay. Now she has gone out and David is alone with his thoughts and worries. 

Matteo had seemed so lost, so scared. David hated that. He hates that. He wishes he could protect Matteo from hurting. Unfortunately, it feels like he hurts Matteo more every time they spend time together.

David knows that he and Matteo have a connection through the bond, he can feel it. He can feel how they are getting more comfortable with each other, and still… Matteo freezing up and fearing that David picks up everything he feels and wants is… not good. It’s worse that it’s kinda true. David can sense a lot of stuff going on behind Matteo’s surface.

He sighs and puts away his notebook and his pens and pencils. He can’t focus on his drawings now. His eyes catch one of his doodles. It’s a cross. A spire. It reminds him of the abandoned church he visited a while back, when he went exploring. It also reminds him of how Matteo had talked about his mom and her Bible quotes. About how he wanted to keep everything about her to himself. 

David knows very well how that is, to want to keep things to himself. He was lucky enough to get to share with Matteo and Jonas that he was trans, on his own terms, but he knows all too well that it’s not always like that, and being forced to share something can feel like a prison. David wishes that Matteo could feel free with him. 

David lets his finger follow the cross on the paper. He’s not particularly religious, and still. That old church he visited had made him feel free. He wonders...

His phone buzzes and he reaches for it so quickly that he almost knocks over the open bottle of paint at the table. Luckily, he manages to pick it up before it spills paint everywhere. 

It’s a text from Matteo. _Hey,_ _I’m sorry about before. We should talk?_

Warmth rushes through David like a wave. Quickly, he sends a text, asking if Matteo is okay. He is. Thank fuck. 

The relief makes David dizzy. And quicker than he had ever thought, they have planned a date of sorts. Matteo even makes something similar to a joke, and it makes David’s eyes tear up. Suddenly he realises that some of his tension was that he felt guilty for leaving Matteo. He should have stayed with Matteo, and helped him feel better. David had told Laura everything, and tried to ask for advice, but still. It had felt wrong to leave. Matteo had told him to go, though, David tells himself and he respected those wishes, no matter how hard that was. And now Matteo’s okay. And they’re meeting soon. They’re going to talk. 

David releases a shaky breath and gets busy packing his backpack, filling it with flashlights, a blanket, a thermos with cocoa, a bag of crisps. 

As he gets dressed and gets out, his  focus is scattered, filled with nervous anticipation. He and Matteo have some serious talking to do, and still, he’s excited, almost giddy. Earlier, when they met at Matteo’s place, David had wanted to take him by the hand and lead him away. He had wanted to help Matteo feel better, to walk with him, talk with him. Now he has the chance to do that.

He walks fast in the cold evening while his thoughts dance in infinite directions. He wonders what will happen. He can picture it already - meeting, exploring the place. He wants to take Matteo for a walk and they can look at everything, and talk. It’s a silly thought, but maybe they’ll even hold hands, and he’ll feel a tingling feeling spreading throughout his entire body. While David would love to go back to more kissing, he doesn’t think Matteo is too eager for that. But maybe they can start with the hands; that’s less confronting perhaps.

It’s almost dark when he arrives; gnarled trees hang low over the abandoned church, creaking ominously in the howling winds. Matteo is standing there waiting, by the entrance. He’s layered up for the chill air outside. His eyes scan the area and David raises a hand and waves to let Matteo know he’s there. Matteo raises his eyebrows in what David hopes is a signal of pleasant surprise and David hurries closer. 

Matteo stands there with heavy awkwardness. As David takes in his blue eyes, cheekbones, full lips and pale skin he just wants to eat him up. There's something so irresistible in that vulnerable look of his.

“Hey. A church? Really?” Matteo gives a half smile. His voice is warm and rich; David’s heart beats faster than should be allowed. 

David shrugs. “I thought you might like it.” 

And it’s weird. After their previous encounter everything should perhaps be awkward and weird, but it isn’t. They look at each other and it’s okay. 

David leans against the wall that has been crumbling for years, and lets his eyes roam over the graffiti. With the finger of his right hand he feels the cracks and the pits made by so many seasons of hail and rain. It’s weird how the cracks make it more beautiful. 

“Well, it’s the last thing I could have imagined, at least.” Matteo looks up at the facade. He says something, but David’s eyes are caught on the curve on Matteo’s neck as he looks up. Matteo looks a lot better now. He has colour in his cheeks. That’s good. 

Then he notices the silence. Matteo's waiting for a response but David hasn't been focusing on his words. As he blushes Matteo’s look of bafflement becomes a soft smile. “I thought you could read my mind but you can’t even hear what I say?”

David chuckles, and shakes his head. “Sorry. Was lost in my thoughts for a moment. And I don’t read your mind.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Okay.” Matteo looks at him. “I am feeling better now. If that’s what you wonder about.”

“Good.”

David wonders if Matteo has experienced similar panics before. If he has someone to talk to. It doesn’t feel like the right time to ask, though.

Matteo takes a deep breath, like he is shaking something off. “So. Did Laura tell you to keep an eye on me or something?”

David’s smile falters and something twists in his stomach. “God, no. Matteo. You were the one who… And we’re soulmates –” 

“Yeah, sorry. And we do need to talk. I know that.” Matteo suddenly looks nervous. Irritated. “I didn’t ask for this, you know. I can’t help that I broadcast… stuff.” He looks anxious still, and vulnerable, like he’s trapped.

“Yeah, I know.” Ugh, Matteo really rubs it in, doesn’t he. He doesn’t want this, or at least not the way David does. It’s easy to recall those words from the bathroom that one day. The way Matteo had insisted he only wanted something platonic. David shifts from one foot to another. A sudden loss for words makes him act instead. He moves towards the door. “Should we go inside? I think the door is open.”

“Hell, yeah,” Matteo says, visibly losing some of the tension in his shoulders. “This place is awesome.” He looks up at the spires as he moves closer to the entrance. ”I think I have a thing for churches, at least old and scary ones.” 

David smiles and pushes at the heavy oak doors. They break open, echoing around the empty church. As the doors creak, the sound sends a flock of pigeons into disarray, cooing and flapping violently around and out and away from the aged building. The sounds are reverberating off the ancient stone. Wow. For a moment he wishes he brought a camera, but then he catches sight of Matteo’s smile, and he forgets all about it.

Matteo looks beautiful. Kissable. Ugh, he’s gotta stop thinking like that. David tears his eyes away. The blue evening light shines through the heavily cracked stained-glass windows, casting an eerie glow onto the dusty altar. Thick cobwebs hang on every surface and their footsteps sound deafening on the cold stone floor.

They take the tour, exploring the whole building. For a moment they shove their worries in the background, and David lets Matteo’s voice soak in, his words, his laughter, the way his eyes meet David’s and don't turn away. The way Matteo bumps his shoulder or kicks after his feet, as if he can’t stay away, but needs to touch. 

David can’t ignore that he feels the need to touch Matteo too. Wants to slide his hands onto that skin again, feel the way it responds to his touch. Most of all he wants to touch the mark again, get some sort of comfort from his connection, from the proof that this is real. Instead he finds himself talking too much, allowing his nerves spill out in strange stories. David almost drowns in Matteo’s smile, wishing and hoping impossible things, knowing that Matteo is close, but out of reach.

They playfight and laugh and talk about what they would do if the world ended, and David admits that he would probably run away. Find a way to manage on his own. Matteo looks a little wistful when he says that. He reaches for David’s hand and takes it for just a moment, squeezing some sort of comfort before he let's go and puts his hands in his pockets.

David fights the urge to grab Matteo’s hand again, or brush his hand through Matteo’s hair. Platonic, he tells himself. That’s what this is, and that’s what Matteo wants. Better keep his hands to himself.

They find a dry and not too dirty spot by the altar, David pulls out his blanket, and they sit down for a little while. David pours them some cocoa, and Matteo has brought pancakes. 

“Linn and I made a ton of them,” he grins, “and they don’t taste too bad. Even cold like this.”

“They’re really good,” David agrees, munching on one. The pleasant, sweet smoothness fills his mouth and he can’t hold back a moan.

Matteo looks at him and smiles widely, as if David’s comment makes him proud, and again, David is floored by it. Matteo’s smile is everything.  Why can’t this be real? David wonders. Why can’t this be love? This is so nice. Even when they struggle from time to time, they always find these pockets of calm or fun together, and it feels so  _ right _ . How can’t Matteo feel that?

“Why a church?” Matteo asks, all of a sudden, and David almost jumps. “Why did you want to meet here?”

David draws his answer out, not knowing what to say. “Well,” he says, sipping his cocoa, “I thought of this place earlier, when I was drawing and saw one of my sketches. I like to come here to think, and draw. Also–”

Also, he wants to show Matteo one of the places he feels free. He doesn't know how to say that.

“You think it fits, because of Mum,” Matteo nods. He doesn’t look offended. ”Right. Well, I don’t mind churches, you know. I know that horrible things have happened in the name of religion, and still… churches are badass buildings.”

“Yeah,” David breathes, smiling. “The atmosphere alone is brilliant.” 

Matteo nods, biting his lip. He looks a little distant for a moment. “Mum probably thinks I’ll go to Hell,” he sighs. “If I tell her–”

David leans closer, holding Matteo’s gaze. “That might be true, she might think that. You can’t know, though. Sometimes, people can surprise you.” 

“Yeah…” Matteo stares at the broken building around them, the open ceiling over them. “Everything withers in the end,” he mutters. “No matter how big and impressive or scary something is, it will pass.”

David follows Matteo’s gaze and takes it all in. He senses Matteo’s comfort at the idea that things pass, mixed with an aching wish for something durable. David doesn’t know what to say. 

“Yeah. So,” Matteo says, suddenly. Something almost calculating shows up in his eyes. “How much have you picked up so far?”

David blinks, confused. “Picked up?”

“Yeah, you know, of things behind the things I say.” Matteo’s eyes are fixed on David, almost daring. 

“Now? Nothing much, really, David says, thinking. ”Just now I sensed some sort of reassurance mixed with a wish for something that lasts. But earlier, I don’t think I have picked up much. Why?”

Matteo smiles a slow smile. “I think I have found a solution, you see.”

“You have?”

“Yeah. If I just say what I mean, it will at least not happen that often. At least that’s my theory.” 

“Huh.” David thinks for a moment. “But there are things you don’t want to say, like, at all.”

“Yes.” Matteo sighs, and shuts his eyes. “I suppose that I will have to live with that. That you’ll always have the upper hand like that –”

“There might be several solutions,” David interrupts. 

“Yeah?” Matteo stares at him with wide eyes. 

“I can interrupt you, like I just did. It’s rude, but it might work. And I can talk a lot.”

Matteo smiles. “Maybe it helps if you sing?”

David snorts. “You wish.” He thinks for a moment. “It might not always work, though. I might still pick up things you don’t want me to pick up.”

“I know,” Matteo nods. He almost looks stubborn. “I’ll have to live with that. It’s just about trying to find ways to make it less scary. Because it is, you know. Scary.” He sighs. ”I don’t know why I reacted so strongly earlier. I haven’t panicked like that in ages.” 

”I get it,” David mutters. ”The idea of someone picking up private things like that, must be terrifying.”

”Yeah.” Matteo looks away. ”Don’t worry, it doesn’t happen a lot. And I think I can handle this, now. We’re friends, and you’re a good guy. So.” 

David swallows. He doesn’t feel like he deserves Matteo's trust. Matteo might think of them as just friends, but David’s not quite there. Not yet.

”I know that this bond we have is a friendly bond, too, ” Matteo adds. ”And that you don’t want anything more.” 

_ But you’re the one who doesn’t want the bond,  _ David wants to say. He has accepted that, or so he thought. It’s unfair that Matteo pushes it on him and makes it hurt all over again. David realises that he’s had a tiny hope the whole time, and now he doesn’t anymore. Fuck, it hurts. 

“We still shouldn’t fight it,” Matteo continues. He takes a deep breath. “So. We’ll have to keep hanging together, regularly. I’ll have to learn how to live with that. And you, too. Even if we’ll always be just friends, and nothing more. That’s all we are. I –”

“Your mark!” David interrupts, and it’s not because he wants to interrupt Matteo. Matteo has pulled up his sleeve to scratch his arm, and his mark does something David hasn’t seen before. The pattern looks like it’s cracking up, or breaking. 

David looks, and the green pattern is dark, almost black against the pale of Matteo’s wrist with the silver just a faint trace around the very edges, and it hurts to watch it, almost as much as Matteo’s words hurt. Shit, he feels broken, and the mark looks broken. That must mean...

“What’s happening?” he asks, still unable to look away from the soulmark. The mark is still beautiful, but it looks broken. Broken, just like he feels? Earlier, the pattern seemed to be alive with potential and meaning, but now it’s still.

“I don’t…” Matteo whispers. “I’ve never seen the mark act like this. What does it mean?” 

David looks up and meets Matteo’s blue eyes. The want that fills him is devastating. He wants to be Matteo’s, and to have Matteo’s mark on his skin, or at least have something that makes them into something more than friends. This all hurts so fucking much.

Broken, alright.

“I don’t know,” he mutters. “I think… I don’t feel so good?” 

“No shit,” Matteo says, and he’s short, but his voice is soft. He looks at David with wide eyes. “I did this, didn’t I?” he asks. “I made you feel bad? The mark doesn’t just show when you’re happy or not. It shows more.”

David doesn’t know what to say. He nods. 

“Well, fuck. Looks like we’re both kinda trapped in this situation, then.” 

Trapped. Right. 

“Yeah, until one of us finds romance, I suppose,” David says.  _ Until you find romance _ , he thinks. Something clenches in his chest, so painful that it’s almost hard to breathe. He forces himself to take a slow breath. “Then this might not be so intense anymore. And I guess we can more or less fuck off and do as we please.” 

Matteo's face goes slack, for a moment, with what looks like shock... and then it shifts again, going completely blank. It's not an expression that David's ever seen on his face before and it settles like a weight on his chest, and in his stomach, how much he doesn't like that look on Matteo's face.

"Yeah," Matteo says, voice hollow. "True. We can do that, then." He gets up from the blanket and brushes his pants, looking like he’s ready to go.

David's heart sinks a little deeper. Fuck. He gets up, too, and starts to pack away their stuff, trying to pretend everything is fine. It’s not like he doesn’t get why Matteo is hurt. They’re soulmates, after all. They’re not supposed to fuck off as they please. He shouldn’t have said that. It’s just… David needs to protect his heart, something that seems impossible at the moment, but he needs to try. 

Matteo helps him to pack the bag in silence. Just as they head for the entrance, he mutters: ”Thanks for bringing me here. It was nice.” Then he shuts his mouth, like he’s afraid to reveal something. He probably is.

”Yeah, sure,” David just answers.

Outside the air is even cooler than inside of the church. David is freezing. It’s going to be okay, he tells himself. They will continue meeting, and he will manage to keep his feelings in check, one way or another. 

Yeah. This is going to be fucking awesome.


	11. Myth 6: “True soulmates don’t need to talk, they always understand.” (part one)

###  **_David_**

Keeping Matteo close and yet still at a safe distance proves to be difficult. 

After all, they have agreed to spend time together, so they do, more or less every moment for the next couple of days. It’s just... after their visit to the abandoned church, things have been a little… weird.

David knows that he said something in the church that doesn’t sit right with Matteo, but the strange thing is, that it doesn’t show. In fact, David can’t sense it, at all. Matteo seems fine. 

When David’s not studying, he’s spending practically the whole weekend with Matteo, who actually doesn’t spill as many secrets as before, and David doesn’t know if it’s because Matteo has become better at hiding things, or if it’s more difficult for David to notice because it just feels more and more natural to understand him. Like, have they become too close to be aware of when he’s picking up what Matteo wants? 

“Are you good with everything?” David asks Saturday evening.  Matteo’s room is half lit, and the shadows from the one lamp are dancing over the walls.  The two of them are hanging together playing games, and everything seems weirdly calm and peaceful. Well, Matteo has dark smudges under his eyes from stress and lack of sleep, and he’s perhaps smoking a little much, and David is a little jittery, but apart from that, things are quite alright. 

“Yeah,” Matteo smiles.  He’s looking back at David and looking so good, even with the dark circles under his eyes and everything, that David can hardly breathe.  “I’m good. Just a little stressed out, you know.”

David studies him closely, but can’t notice anything out of the ordinary. “I said something wrong, though. Back in the church.” 

He holds his breath, waiting for whatever Matteo will say to that. Part of him feels like there’s been so huge a silence about it between them that it’s almost too impossible to talk about it. So now that he’s said it, David waits for it to crash around him and ruin this peace they seem to have found.

And it’s not like he doesn’t get it, really. He said that they (Matteo) could leave after they found their true romantic soulmates. He’s well aware that they’re not at all supposed to do that when they’re soulmates, no matter if they have a romantic or platonic bond. He just meant to offer Matteo and himself some… possibility of freedom. But mostly, he had said it to find a way to protect his own heart. 

Matteo hadn’t liked it, though. David had picked up that much, although Matteo’s reasons weren’t clear to him which was frustrating since now David’s so used to understanding him. 

Now, Matteo shakes his head and touches his mark. “Is this why your mark has been so dark and still lately?” he asks, the tone light and dismissive. ”You shouldn’t worry so much, David.”

_ Your  _ mark, he said. David’s eyes drop to Matteo’s wrist, and is distracted enough not to ask more, even though he’s burning with curiosity; he’d expected more of a reaction than this. The colours in the mark are dark green, and the silver swirls thin like spindle web threads. He has become aware that Matteo’s mark shows a lot more than he believed, earlier. Just by looking at his mark, Matteo has figured out how to recognise several of David’s emotions. The cracked image doesn’t turn up too often, though. Thank fuck. That one exposes far too much.

David doesn’t want Matteo to know just how much he’s breaking David’s heart. Matteo is everything, and it kills David that they don’t have a romantic bond. Well, everything seems to indicate that it’s platonic, anyway. Like, their marks are different, they have seen no signs of their bond being more than a friendly one, and Matteo’s statistics are depressingly suggestive. 

It makes David feel like everything’s off kilter. He wants Matteo in ways that he doesn't really understand and doesn't imagine feeling about anyone else, any other person. 

They spend evening after evening together and David tries to tell himself to be friendly and to keep a distance, but to be honest, Matteo is the only light his eyes are drawn to. It’s only natural, really. With Matteo, David becomes the most soft version of himself. The most open, the most honest. And Matteo is the friend who sees David’s spark and seems to like him for who he is. 

David talks of silly things like aliens, of God, of movies, and Matteo listens. Matteo talks of chaos and order, parallel universes and the butterfly effect. David just loves to hear his voice. Matteo has a piece of David’s heart, and David knows he will try to protect Matteo's, if he can.

It all makes David wonder. If Matteo isn’t his romantic soulmate, could there be someone out there who is perfect for him and who he’s meant to be perfect for in return? It’s hard to imagine. And yet, he knows it won’t be Matteo. It can’t be. And it’s fine. Or it will be. It just worries him, how strongly he feels for Matteo. For someone who’s not… what he hopes for. 

This crush is definitely fucked up. And while he meets Matteo practically every day for a few moments, he makes sure to create just enough distance to not get too caught up in Matteo. 

It’s safer that way.

On Monday, as David is picking up some of his stuff at school, Jonas suddenly turns up by his locker and grabs hold of him. “Hey, man!” he says, breathlessly. “How are things?”

There’s an unusual intensity in his expression.

David smiles and shrugs, and wonders why Jonas looks so concerned. “It’s okay. Exams and stuff, you know.” He leans back against the lockers.

“Yeah, I know…” Jonas’ eyes dart around a little before they settle back on David. “You’ve been hanging more with Matteo lately, right?”

_ Ah, right. _

“Yeah, ” David admits. ”We have been hanging a bit, yeah.”

There’s a small furrow between Jonas’ brows. He picks at the jacket he’s holding in his hands. “Cool. It’s just. I haven’t seen him much lately. He bolts from things all the time and keeps stuff to himself and now he’s broken up with Sara, and… I guess I worry.”

David nods. He can see how that roller coaster he and Matteo have been through lately could seem worrisome from the outside. Fuck, from the inside, as well. “I can tell him that you asked,” he says. “And you can always ask him, too.”

“Yeah,” Jonas says, releasing a breath. “I’ll do that. Actually, I talked to the other guys about visiting him one of the days. Maybe even today. Do you wanna come, too?”

David shrugs. He doesn’t quite know how he’ll handle to be around Matteo with the other guys there, now that they know they are soulmates and now that David has all these  _ feelings _ . Even if it’s just a friendly bond, it feels… weird, the idea that other people will start knowing about it. Are they going to tell the boys? How will they explain it all?

Jonas keeps talking. “...And you’d tell me if something was really fucked up, right? Like, if he was spiralling and smoking too much and stuff?” 

David hesitates. Because, he hasn’t noticed that Matteo has spiralled, exactly, but Matteo has been stressed out because of his exams. That’s not something David feels comfortable talking to Jonas about, though. Also, it feels wrong to run to Jonas or the others if something is wrong. 

David is pretty sure he’s allergic to going behind people’s backs. 

“Uhm, don’t get me wrong, I mean, it’s lovely that you care about Matteo like this,” he says, slowly. “But, you know, I think Matteo deserves to decide for himself what he wants to share. So. I’d probably talk to him first, if he struggled.”

“Yeah, of course.” Jonas shakes his head, smiling, even if there’s a sincerity in his eyes. “You’re right. Sorry. I don’t want to meddle or anything. I’m not asking you to spy on him!” He pauses for a moment, and suddenly looks tired. “It’s just. Matteo has always been there for me when I’ve struggled. Carlos mentioned that he thought Matteo fought with something, and… I don’t know.” 

“Sounds like you two should talk,” David says and pats Jonas’ shoulder. “It’s about him. And… I don’t know what more to say, but you shouldn’t worry too much.”

“Thanks.” Jonas looks relieved, and it warms David to know that Matteo has a really good friend in Jonas. There’s no doubt that he cares.

“So... how are you holding up?” David asks, and Jonas smiles and gives a half grimace. 

“I don’t know. It’s alright, I suppose.” His eyes wander for a bit, like he’s taking in the school hallway for the first time. “It’s weird to end school. Sometimes I just miss… old times. You know.”

Yeah, David is pretty sure that Jonas refers to more than just school ending. He’s talking about Hanna, as well. Maybe he talks about friendships, too, and all the things that might change from now on. David doesn’t comment on that.

“What about you?” Jonas asks.

David wiggles his head and smiles. “Good, I guess? Pretty good.” 

What else can he say? David can’t explain that he’s slowly losing it, of course. He can’t tell Jonas about his bond, or about his feelings for Matteo. He can’t say anything, really. Normally, he wouldn't have minded that fact at all. He likes to keep some stuff to himself. Right now, though, he would like to have someone to confide in. This feels like it’s a thing that’s too big for one person to carry alone. 

Luckily, he has Laura. But he would love to talk to someone outside of his family, for once. 

He keeps the talk with Jonas light, though, and promises himself that he can always open up later, when he and Matteo know more about their… situation.

That afternoon, he visits Matteo again. He tells himself it’s because of the bond, and that it’s good for them to spend time together. To be honest, though, he has started to realise that the reasons are far more selfish. He wants to spend as much time as possible with Matteo, no matter if their relationship is only friendly. Also, Jonas’ questions has made him want to check out if Matteo is doing okay. 

Matteo seems fine. They’re drinking tea in the kitchen when David tells Matteo about his talk with Jonas. Matteo doesn’t look surprised at all. He just shrugs and smiles a tired smile, saying that the boys will come over later.

David can’t see that Jonas has any reason to worry right now. Matteo seems maybe a little sleepy, but he’s just as sweet, funny and hot as usual, and just looking at him is enough to make David’s stomach ache from how much he wants. Nothing new, there, really. And Matteo… Matteo doesn’t want David as his romantic soulmate, and that’s… that’s just painful to think about. But it’s fine. It will be fine.

David tries to distract himself, thinking about the boys coming over. 

“Is it…” David pauses, not knowing quite how to continue. He leans over the kitchen table, gripping his tea. 

Matteo looks at him, waiting. 

“Is it better if I go?” David asks. “Before they come here? Or should we tell them about the bond?”

Matteo’s shoulders tense a little. “Right. Yeah, it might be better if we wait a little. It’s not… I mean, it doesn’t have to be a secret. I just don’t know what to say yet.”

David nods, telling himself that Matteo doesn’t want to keep him a secret because he’s in any way ashamed of him, or anything. “Same here, to be honest.”

Matteo nods, staring down at his hands. He looks up.  “It’s not… I'm glad you're here," he says, blue eyes alight with something that looks like nerves (what’s that about?) and something similar to maybe… joy? This is one moment when David wishes he really could read Matteo’s mind and not just whatever it is that sits behind his words. He wishes he could know for sure what’s going on behind those eyes. David wonders if Matteo is trying out this thing where he says exactly what he means. David can sense a hint of joy, and a wish to stay in this moment, with David. That can’t be right, though. Not unless…

“Ah yeah, so that we can help the bonding,” David nods. That's why Matteo is happy to see him, and spend time with him. Makes sense. “It’s easier when we spend time together.”

Matteo's smile falters. "I… well. True," he shrugs.

“Well, I’m glad to be here, too” David says. He takes another sip from his tea and gets busy gathering his things. “I’d better go before the boys come by, though.”

Matteo looks at him from under his fringe. His eyes are hard to read. “I suppose?”

“Okay. I’m gonna leave, then. Let you talk to Jonas. And spend some good times with your crew.”

Matteo frowns. It looks annoyingly cute on him. “They’re your crew, too, you know.”

Well, he has a point. David has slowly and surely become part of the gang, and he doesn’t quite know why he was so determined to call them Matteo’s gang. Maybe because it feels safer, right now? “Okay, yeah. I guess I’m getting there.” David gives a quick smile. 

When Matteo looks back at him, there’s something dark in his eyes that makes David restless. He gets off the stool and stretches, and when his sweater pulls up and he senses Matteo’s eyes going straight to the small bits of skin that have been exposed, he’s quick to pull it back down. “See you later.” 

Matteo drags his eyes up and blinks at him. “Right.” He gets off his stool as well.  “You’ll come back tomorrow, yeah? I thought we could study a bit.”

Hold up. “Study together?”

“Yeah,” Matteo says, “I wanna be around you,” casual as ever, taking out his phone, probably texting the boys about something. Apparently, this thing where he’s saying exactly what he wants is working perfectly well for him. It just gets David totally off balance. Because, when he thinks about Matteo wanting to be around him, he wants it to mean a lot more than Matteo means. Wants to pick up something deeper behind the words, but there’s nothing there more than the warm desire to spend time together.

Suddenly, a part of David regrets that he has to go. A lot.

“Study together, huh?” David repeats dumbly.

Matteo looks up and stares at him. Then he smiles (David's heart breaks a little, it's fucking devastating) and says, “Yes, David. And we can just hang a little too, if you like. Maybe look at that art you’re making for the soulbond party?” He smiles and winks. 

And David is gone. Totally gone. He wonders how he’s supposed to manage to keep up his facade of totally platonic feelings. He needs air. Or something. He needs...space. 

Matteo’s kitchen is too small. Too hot.

“Yeah, sure,” he says, in a measured voice. “See you tomorrow, then.” 

He gives Matteo a careful hug, and leaves. 

###  **_Matteo_**

The boys turn up not long after David leaves and it should be great. No matter how off he’s feeling, Matteo can usually get into some kind of groove with them, either through weed or playing video games. Unfortunately, today Matteo is filled with an odd restless energy that refuses to settle. He slumps on the couch next to Jonas, but his leg kicks out in a jittery motion that he doesn’t even really notice until Abdi calls him out on it.

“Bro, stop twitching. You’re ruining my game here.”

Blushing, trying to cover for the unconscious motion, Matteo snorts. “There’s nothing to ruin,” he says to a chorus of delighted hoots from the others while Abdi pouts and throws his controller to Carlos who’s next in line for a turn.

Matteo tries, then, to focus and stay as still as he usually would, but it’s not long before Jonas is digging an elbow into his side and Matteo’s attention is brought to the way his fingers are tapping on his leg.

“Luigi,” Jonas whispers, leaning in close. “Is everything okay?”

Shaking his head, Matteo smiles weakly. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says. “It’s just Abi getting to me, I think. Stress…” He trails off and Jonas pats his shoulder reassuringly.

“You’ll be fine,” he says. 

His grin is infectious and Matteo drags another smile onto his own face, but inside he’s aching. That missing Spanish cheat sheet is still haunting him; it’s surely only a matter of time before they confront him about it. And then what? Matteo guesses he’s not going to graduate if they really do pinpoint him as the culprit and the knowledge sometimes keeps him awake at night.

Not that he needs any help with that. His sleep has never been particularly good, but now it’s getting worse. All the fears and worries about life, soulmates, school and his future all swarm in on him during the long restless nights. The cheating, and the ever-present knowledge that he could be caught, just adds a nice burnish to an already shitty pattern.

The rest of the boys’ visit drags, as Matteo remains hyper aware of everything that he does. He pays attention and soon realises that he gets most restless when his thoughts drift to David.  _ That’s _ just what he needs. It’s bad enough that they’re bonded but trying to keep it quiet. Adding the pressure of trying to keep himself still and reacting normally when it’s clear all he wants is to be near David … well, that’s just going to make everything exponentially harder.

Matteo makes it through, though. The boys all leave, loud and boisterous and funny. And so much to deal with. The fog Matteo has been living with has faded a lot since he realised he’s bonded to David. But he can feel it seeping back in now. They’ve been apart a lot since the weekend, he thinks, meeting only occasionally in brief moments until this afternoon. And he’s starting to realise that he doesn’t want that anymore. In fact, he’d impulsively made the assumption that they’d see each other again because of how difficult he was finding it to stay apart.

If only David felt the same way. Matteo lies in his bed and stares at his bare wrist and thinks he might throw up. His mark is beautiful with the silver patterns almost fading into a dark green. David is sad. He can tell more difference now, between when David is sad, angry, excited or happy and even starts to recognise what might be causing the feelings based on the shapes in the silver. Today he can’t tell, though. Maybe it’s just a generic sadness with no definable cause.

Well, Matteo can relate to that. He can’t claim to be very happy right now, that’s for sure. So it’s almost a relief that David feels the same way. Which is kind of assholey, now he thinks about it. Shouldn’t he want his soulmate to be happy? Wanting him to feel as bad as Matteo does is not very kind.

He hasn’t slept well in a while, he worries about his mom, and about school, but that’s not the most important part. 

He'd imagined and dreaded… so many different possibilities with his mark. He'd even reluctantly (stupidly!) conceived that David could be someone special. That they were– that everything would be...

But  _ this _ wasn't one of the scenarios.

David is his soulmate, but he’s not a romantic one.

Matteo should be relieved; he’s always desperately wanted a platonic soulmate after all, but he is far from it. He loves that they have a connection, but he wants more. So much more. It’s like his mark mocks him in the face. It’s so unfair, so cruel. His chest hurts, his stomach hurts and he wants to, god does he want to, but he can't even cry.

The only thing that eases things a little, is if he takes a joint and drowns himself in music. That helps. It seems to fog his mind in a way that he can control, and makes everything just a little bit easier.

David had promised to see Matteo the next day so Matteo drags himself out of his fog in time to be somewhat responsive when he contacts him. The only problem is that he has no idea when David might reach out so he’s on edge and jittery all day. No David and no weed to numb everything, and Matteo is restless in ways that worry him. 

Worse, David doesn’t actually reach out. Not that day, and Matteo can’t figure out what he’s done wrong. He sends a message, chirpy and bubbly with no hint of the tension that he’s feeling. But maybe something of the tension seeps into his messages and David can feel it, because he’s left on read for hours.

Is that even how it works? David has insisted time and again that he’s not able to read Matteo’s mind. And yet it’s far too close for comfort. No matter how much Matteo has determined to say only what he thinks, it is exhausting and there’s a tiny part of him that’s frustrated that he won’t ever be able to hide anything for his entire life.

His wrist stings and he glances down at it. The silver bird is back, this time its wings seem caged in. Trapped. Matteo wonders if that’s how David is feeling now. Maybe he shouldn’t have sent the text; he knows David isn’t interested in anything that’s not platonic so maybe his message seemed too desperate.

Groaning, Matteo flings himself onto his bed. He leans over the edge to grab a joint he knows he left on the floor sometime yesterday. Or maybe the day before. Time has blurred a bit. Before his fingers manage to scrabble it up the buzzer to the apartment shrills.

Swearing, Matteo lets it be and stumbles out to the hallway to see who it is. His head is pounding, a combination of no sleep and a comedown from his high. The attempt at being clear minded was wasted anyway, since David didn’t even turn up.

Every hope he’d had that David had just gone ‘fuck it’ and come over is dashed when he hears Amira’s cheerful voice over the intercom. He presses the button to let her in, but he’s feeling so listless he’s not sure he’s going to be any sort of decent company.

“What are you even doing here?” he demands impatiently as soon as Amira pushes her way past him and into the apartment. She spins to look back at him with a scowl on her face and an incredulous tilt to her head.

“You can’t seriously have forgotten?”

“Another soulbond party planning?” he guesses and she whacks him with a book she pulls out of her bag.

“No, dumbass. I’m here to study. We organised it last week.”

He blinks at her, confused. Did they? He doesn’t recall anything like that, but he’s the first to admit that he’s not been fully focused on anything much lately. The overwhelming knowledge of his new bond with David, and the confusion he’s been feeling at his weird distance even when they spend time together, has meant that Matteo has been trailing through the rest of his life somewhat on autopilot. It hasn’t been entirely great, considering that he should be studying for his exams.

They settle down onto some seats in the living area. Amira’s nose crinkles in distaste when Matteo reaches past her to grab a pen off the coffee table and he glances down at himself. That’s when he notices that he’s still in his old clothes from yesterday and hasn’t taken a shower since the day before that. He grimaces and pulls back, blushing. Amira is gracious enough not to say anything about it.

They study peacefully for a while, and Matteo feels like he’s almost getting the concepts now. His experience with David and the bond is making the tiny boxes seem a little more easy to understand. Still, there’s one thing he’s not really certain about.

“Amira?” he says finally, pushing the book away from him and with his heart hammering.

“Mmmmm?” she says, her eyes still firmly fixed on the papers spread out in front of her.

“I… uh. If you bonded with someone… someone you wouldn’t expect…”

She seems to get what he’s saying because her head snaps up and her eyes widen.

“You bonded!” she says, breathlessly.

He scowls at her. “It’s not like it’s a surprise,” he says. “My damn mark was active all the time the last few weeks.”

“Yeah,” she agrees. “But you’re flustered. So it’s not the trial you thought it was going to be.”

He throws his head down on the couch in front of him and groans. He wants to talk about this, but it’s also hard. 

“It’s not that,” he says finally, into the couch cushion. “It’s how it works. It … the person. Um… they know my thoughts. And it’s a bit weird. How do I stop from worrying about it?”

“Know your thoughts? Like mind reading?”

“No,” Matteo says slowly, trying to explain something he himself doesn’t really understand. “It’s more like if I don’t tell the whole truth or try to keep something back it’s kind of broadcast to … uh, to the person.”

“Ouch,” she says, wincing. There’s a deep sympathy in her voice when she adds, “that seems like it would be hard.”

Matteo smiles, a small wry acknowledgement. “I just don’t know how it’s going to be for the rest of my life knowing I can’t ever keep anything to myself.”

“What does  _ your _ mark tell you about your soulmate, though?”

“It’s… he’s…” Matteo frowns, trying to explain what his mark shows. “It’s like I know what he’s feeling?” He looks down at his mark where the bird is still fluttering helplessly, its wings folded back, and its attempts to take off in vain making him wince. “Like at the moment, I think he’s feeling trapped. Do you think he feels trapped because of the bond?”

“Sounds a bit like the way you’re feeling, Matteo,” Amira says quietly. “Maybe you should talk to him.”

“Mmmmm,” he says, unconvinced. She’s probably right, but Matteo doesn’t want to make any of his fears realities just yet. If they’re just fears he can allow himself the hope that they might be wrong. He shakes himself out of the spiral his thoughts are trying to pull him in, and tries to refocus on what they’re really here for. 

“Okay, enough of that.” He pulls his papers back towards him, and stares down at them again. “We’ve covered these little genetic box thingies. So … um … what’s the difference between a platonic and a romantic bond?”

He’s pretending to have moved back to study, and she’s kind enough to let him change the subject so abruptly, but he keeps a very careful eye on her as she too looks back at her work. He’s really desperate to know this. Hopes that asking this question in a different way will generate different information.

It doesn’t. She goes over the same things they did before. The percentages of platonic vs romantic soulbonds. The ways that romantic bonds manifest between similar marks. None of it helps, and there’s always her voice in the back of his head.  _ Maybe you should talk to him. _ As if it’s that easy.

The biggest problem Matteo has is that he has been doing research on his own. That research has locked down a lot of the things that he’d been hopeful about. Sure, there is technically a 10% chance that they could have a romantic bond and those odds look not too bad. The problem is everything else that points to platonic. The way their marks aren’t compatible, one mental and one physical, that’s one nail in the coffin. The way Matteo’s one reacts when David touches it, that’s another. Sure, it’s wonderful and it feels amazing but it’s not  _ normal _ and everything Matteo has seen in his google searches suggests that these types of unusual connections are generally platonic. Then, there was that one ‘is it romantic or platonic?’ bond test he’d taken online. It had firmly put them into the platonic category, and while Matteo knows it’s just a silly online game and means nothing, well, it was just another nail of despair in the coffin of his hope. 

No, it’s best to listen to what Amira is saying; that information doesn’t change after all, no matter how many different ways he phrases the question. He wants a romantic bond because he’s stupidly gone and fallen for David. But he has to face up to the knowledge that it’s not. Everyone knows bonds are platonic or romantic and everyone knows the signs. Matteo’s research just backs that up.

Still. Amira’s right. He really should talk to David. There’s no good in avoiding him forever just because Matteo doesn’t want him to know what he’s thinking about the bond. There’s only one way through this whole mess. Once he’s shut the door behind her and thrown himself back down onto his bed, this time managing to find the joint he’d been hunting for earlier, Matteo takes a drag and then looks at his phone.

Fuck it. If David won’t call him, then he has to do it. Wanted or not, platonic or not, they have to work through this. And Amira  _ is _ right. They do need to talk, properly talk. All this spending time together so carefully, avoiding speaking of anything that’s really going on, it’s not helping either of them. And they’re going to have to tell people. It’s not like they can pretend forever that it didn’t happen. People will figure it out eventually.

He huffs out a sigh, and quickly sends a text. Lying back and taking another drag, Matteo is determined. David will answer this time. He has to.


	12. Myth 6: “True soulmates don’t need to talk, they always understand.” (part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here's chapter 12! Again, we wanna send a special thank you to our supporters and beta helpers. Your help means so much. There can be a lot of things to keep in mind when you're one writer, imagine how things get when there are two writers! ;) Anyway. Hope you like this chapter, guys! As always, kudos and comments are highly appreciated. :D

###  **_David_**

It’s not like David’s running away again. Not really. He only needs some space, to think. To breathe.

Just semantics, of course. 

David attempts to do some tidying in the dining area in the living room.  Calling it a dining area is misleading, though; it is a part of the living room that they eat in sometimes, when they don’t eat in the kitchen. That’s all. In it stands a cheap Ikea table that rocks when you lean on it, two old white chairs from the thrift store and they have put up some old yellow curtains in the windows. It doesn’t really fit with the sofa or the TV in the other part of the living room. And still, it’s cosy. It doesn’t really need tidying. 

It’s just that when David is like this, it’s so hard to stop. He pushes the chairs under the table. Then he goes to the kitchen and puts on some coffee. Back to the living room. Picks up the blanket from the sofa and folds it. Then he remembers his coffee, but it’s too hot. He picks up some of the magazines on the table, but doesn’t know where to put them, so he puts them back. He can’t be still, it’s like he buzzes with energy. And it’s nobody else’s fault, he’s doing the actions, but it’s as if the gas pedal has gotten stuck down, and in that acceleration, the steering wheel gets all jammed up too. It's all fight or flight but he has nothing to fight and nowhere to run. 

He’s very aware that he’s supposed to contact Matteo to get together, like they talked about yesterday. He doesn’t. So, he can’t deny it; he’s basically running away. It’s kind of like that time he almost had a panic attack, all over again. Or kind of like after that time they kissed. Or maybe it’s not kind of like it; it’s the exact same thing. Maybe he’s been panicking and running away all the time since the first time he met Matteo.

“Why are you like this?” Laura sighs as he’s flitting from one task to another and not being able to find anything to focus on. She leans back on the sofa, looking very relaxed, and it’s almost as if she tries to infect him with her calmness, or maybe his restlessness exhausts her. “Is it about Matteo again? Has he had another panic thing?”

“No,” David answers, stopping in his tracks in the middle of the living room. He surprises himself when he continues, “He’s not the one panicking, to be honest.”

Laura gets up, moves closer and puts an arm around him. “What’s wrong? Why are you restless and jittery like this?” 

“I don’t know,” David answers, sighing and leaning his head on her shoulder. Why? When he thinks about it, David is not really sure why he insists on pushing his thoughts of Matteo away.

Part of it could be that he doesn’t want to get any attention from other people. No matter if Matteo and David are platonic soulmates or not, being with Matteo might raise some questions. And then people might get nosy about David. Try to figure him out. Dig up stuff from his old school. Start talking.

But what probably scares him the most is Matteo himself. Because they have this bond, and David can sense so much all the time, and he feels so much, too, and he doesn’t know what it all really means and he’s not sure he wants to find out. 

“Is it about you being soulmates?”

“I suppose,” David shrugs. Platonic or not, a soulmate means a relationship. Someone who’ll depend on David and need him. Someone who’ll make David feel like he needs someone, too. Someone who’ll want to learn everything about him, both his good things and his bad things. And Matteo… There’s a heavy weight in his chest when he thinks about Matteo.

“It’s hard to explain. I think I like him too much. I really like him.” 

The truth of it hits him even harder when he says it out loud. Fuck, he really likes Matteo, doesn’t he. A lot.

“Duh.” Laura strokes his hair, smiles a little. Her hand is soft, and warm, and her caress makes David’s eyes sting. “It’s gonna be okay,” she says. 

“Yeah.” He doesn’t really believe it, but he hopes it makes her feel better about comforting him. 

It must work because Laura flashes him a wide, teasing smile. “So, Matteo, huh.”

David rolls his eyes. Sometimes Laura can be a menace. “It’s just platonic. Matteo doesn’t want a romantic bond.” It’s strange how it doesn’t help to say it several times out loud. It still hurts in his chest. 

Laura looks confused. “Are you sure? I think he likes you.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“But have you noticed how he looks–” 

She draws herself up in that stubborn way she has as she speaks. David knows she’s about to try to convince him. Part of him wants that, would love to hear why she thinks Matteo feels that way, but the rest of him needs to protect himself from this sort of confusing hope. 

“It’s not… it doesn’t matter,” David shrugs, cutting her off. He doesn’t want to talk about it. 

No matter what, he won’t call Matteo. It makes him feel guilty, even if he knows very well that Matteo doesn’t want the bond. Or at least not a romantic bond. Matteo doesn’t want it, and he only wants to spend time together because it’s practical. So it’s probably not a problem that David doesn’t call. But still. 

Matteo acts like he cares, though. He sends David a text. And it’s not pushy at all, just a silly meme and a funny observation, nothing that should make David stress. David stares at the texts for longer than he would care to admit, though, and wishes that he wouldn’t feel so much all the time. 

David doesn’t know how to answer the text. So he doesn’t. 

It’s all too much, is the thing. And David tries to make himself some room for himself, some pockets of air. He just needs that, and he’ll get past this. 

Only a few weeks until summer, he tells himself. Only a few weeks and then he can let this thing that’s happening with Matteo die. Yeah, sure they are soulmates. But there’s no need for David to torture himself. David clings to that idea. That afternoon, he does his exercises and he studies and paints. Well, truth be told, he doesn’t manage to paint much. He keeps staring at his scribbles about the entanglement theory, and his sketches of symbols and atoms connecting, and it only makes him think of Matteo. 

Matteo calls later that evening, and David doesn’t know why he ends up taking the phone. Maybe the talk with Laura has helped. Or maybe he’s just too tired to keep running away. 

“Hi,” he says, into his phone.

“Hey.” David can’t hear a single trace of annoyance when Matteo asks, “Do you wanna come over to eat a little? We could look at your art, like we talked about?”

David panics and tries to push the idea away. “Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, it sounds good. I’ve just been a little distracted, and I haven’t been able to paint much.” 

“Oh, okay.” Matteo pauses. “We could still eat, though. If you behave nicely, I can even make your favourite.” David can hear a smile in his voice, and it makes something ease inside. David wishes he could see Matteo’s smile; it’s beautiful. “Do you have a favourite?” Matteo asks.

David smiles, against his will. “I’m not picky. I like a lot of things.”

“Just tell me, I’m sure I can make it.”

“Yeah, I bet you could. I really like everything. I’m just not up for a speed-eating contest this time, I think?”

Matteo chuckles. “Deal. Also. I think it could be good to talk about some things,” he adds, slowly, almost like he’s pushing the words out. The casual tone is gone, and it’s obvious Matteo was building right to this point.

David sucks in a breath and swallows his panic before he says, “Yeah.” David knows Matteo is right. He can even feel the pull between them. “I’ll come over. You can decide what we’ll eat.”

“Okay, cool.” 

Just about half an hour later, David is back in Matteo’s place, seated by the kitchen table, watching Matteo finish making their meal. 

“I’m making us kebabs,” Matteo grins. “I really felt like having a kebab, and thought it couldn’t be that tricky to make it.”

David can’t hide that he’s impressed. “Well, is it?” 

“I’ll let you be the judge, whether it beats the Döner kebab on the corner or not,” Matteo gives his half-smile, the one that always manages to flip David’s heart over and makes him have to look away to compose himself. Matteo places the food on the table, and they dig in.

The food is really good. Like, surprisingly good. And it’s greasy and messy and awful, and David loves it. He tries his best to stay cool, but he can’t stop groaning when he takes his first bite. “Damn, this is good, Matteo!” 

Matteo’s eyes sparkle. “Yeah,” he nods, chuckling. “I’m actually impressed with myself.”

And suddenly everything’s all very easy, and it’s almost hard to remember why he wanted to stay away. Except that David can’t quite relax. His mind keeps spinning around the same questions. How can they be soulmates? Why are they platonic soulmates? Why does he even care? The idea of getting close to someone romantically right now is just… wrong. He’s not ready for that, is he? Ugh, why does he even think about it? It’s not an option!

If Matteo notices something with his soulmark, he doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he tells David about his favourite games, and his favourite books, and he asks about David’s art, and… 

It’s not that bad, really. It feels good to be close to Matteo again. 

After they’ve eaten, Matteo asks David if he wants to go out somewhere, sometime, into the city to do something together. And when David is hesitant and asks him why, Matteo laughs, a little awkwardly and says, he'd just like to spend time with him, okay? And that makes sense, only David knows it’s mostly because of the bond. Mostly just to make sure it’s settling, not because Matteo wants anything else. Right?

It’s just that it’s not that easy. He notices how shit Matteo is at hiding his disappointment when David withdraws or doesn’t want to join him. Sometimes David senses it, if he doesn’t notice it otherwise. And it all just becomes too much. He just wants to protect his heart, that’s all. But he also doesn’t want to make Matteo disappointed. 

“Uh, would you like to go to the movies?” David asks, finally giving a little something, and tries to keep his voice steady. “ The _ ‘Achtung Berlin Festival’  _ is on this week.  I don’t know if the movie is your kind of movie, but…” 

Matteo lights up like a Christmas tree, and it looks good, it does things to David’s insides. He doesn’t ever want to make Matteo look disappointed anymore. 

When David walks home that night he realises that they never ended up talking much. It feels okay, though. This was like a first step, perhaps. Or, like the first time David ran and came back. 

They go to the festival the next night, and it’s really nice. The movie is strange, but it makes David think and feel a lot. And afterwards, he talks too long about it, but Matteo doesn’t complain, he just grins and says he likes it. They have burgers and beers later, and David hasn’t felt this good in ages. 

As the evening ends and they go outside, David goes quiet, because he realises that he likes this too much, Matteo’s mark is practically shining in silver and the bird wings look like they are fluttering and he doesn’t know how to handle that. So when Matteo asks him to go somewhere they can have more beer, he says no thank you. He should go home. 

Cold breeze blows right through David's jacket, sweater and jeans. He wraps his arms tighter around himself, pulling his jacket closed and tucking his chin downward into his scarf. As they walk through the streets, David feels a thin layer of ice on the sidewalk beneath his boots. He really should hurry and get home, into his warm flat.

Before he leaves, though, he stops before Matteo and sucks in a breath.  Matteo is hugging himself, as well. His hair falls loose about his face, tousled, tangled. In the darkness it appears brown, the honey blond streaks lost to the night.  Then David does it– something he's probably not supposed to do.

He touches Matteo’s hand, and trails his finger under the hem of Matteo’s jacket sleeve, and along his pulse. His mark. Matteo shivers, suddenly. And David is shocked by the feeling that rushes through him. The warmth. Holy shit. 

He should pull back.

He doesn't.

Matteo stares at his wrist, and David’s finger running over it. “The mark is bright. You’re feeling good,” he croaks, stating the facts. 

“Yeah. I had fun tonight, Matteo, with you,” David admits. It somehow feels important that Matteo knows that. “You can see the evidence here.”

“Good.” 

They lock eyes. “I’m glad you’re my soulmate,” Matteo whispers.

“I’m glad you’re mine, too.” 

David’s hand starts to shiver. It’s not like touching Matteo’s mark is wrong, exactly. Far from it. In fact, it might even be good for their bond. It’s just that the feeling of touching Matteo like this… where he, David, somehow is painted on Matteo’s skin, when he has all these feelings… It’s too much. Too little. He doesn’t know.

He pulls back. 

Matteo pulls back, too. He looks at David, and holds his arm to his chest, close to his heart. His eyes are like deep wells. 

“Will you walk away?” Matteo asks, suddenly. “If you meet someone else? That’s what I fear, you know. What's to say you won't just walk away and never let me see you again?” 

And wow, David can’t believe that Matteo asks it out loud. That  _ could  _ happen, he's right. It could.

Except that David doubts that he’ll ever leave Matteo. Not anymore. He’s getting used to this burning feeling inside now. It fucking hurts, so much, knowing Matteo will never want him back the way David wants him. He’s finding ways to deal with it, though. He’ll stay. 

The thought scares the shit out of him, but it’s true. He won’t leave for another soulmate, at least. Of that he’s certain. Matteo might leave one day, though. Not to find a soulmate, but to find romance. And David might need to hide from time to time, and he might need to find room to breathe. But he’ll never leave Matteo. He’ll never have Matteo, and he’ll never leave. 

But that's okay. It's fine.

He can’t start thinking that there’s hope again, because that will make everything hurt. 

"I won’t.” He can’t manage to say more, right now. He wants to cry, or run away, ironically enough. 

Matteo drops his hand and David’s eyes are drawn to the mark again. The mark is dark green, and the overlying silver tarnished looking. Dark and crackling up again, like it’s broken into a hundred pieces.

It’s hard to tell if Matteo believes him. “I’m sorry I made you sad,” Matteo said. “I just think you would have sensed it, anyway, so.”

David can’t help smiling. “That makes sense.” He pauses, and takes a deep breath. “Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure,” Matteo smiles. 

It warms David up from the inside and out. And, just like David expected, that’s all it takes. Matteo’s mark shines up with a brightened silver. 

He’s so easy, it’s not even funny. 

Matteo smiles, and his cheeks turns a little pink. “You did that on purpose,” he says, “to make me feel better.”

David shrugs. “And me.” 

They share a smile, and their smiles are like happiness growing between them, like flowers opening in the spring. David can see how Matteo’s smile comes from deep inside to light his eyes, how it spreads into every part of him. To David, as well. It’s beautiful.

He needs to go, and still, he hesitates. He bites his lip. ”We keep postponing the talk about our bond.” 

”Yeah, I know.” Matteo sighs, shifting on his feet. ”It’s just… I don’t know what to say. I just wish I knew more about how it all works.”

”Yeah, me too. We never ended up doing much experiments, testing the bond.”

”No, true,” Matteo smiles. ”We know some things, though. Like, that we both pick up stuff from each other.”

”Yeah, that’s true.”

It’s silent for a moment, and they just stand there in the cold night, saying nothing. 

”So…” Matteo’s eyes are serious, dark. ”How do you feel about telling the others?” He pauses. ”I mean, I have told Amira, but not that it’s you.”

”Laura knows,” David admits. ”She more or less guessed.”

Matteo nods, slowly. He doesn't look surprised. ”But what about the others?”

David needs to think. Telling the others would mean questions. Maybe rumours. He might lose control. But it would also mean support, hopefully. They wouldn’t be alone anymore.

”I think it’s about time we do it.”

Matteo’s shoulders look less tense. ”Yeah, I think so too. But what do we say?”

David has to think for a moment. ”I don’t know. Just the truth?”

Matteo hums. ”Basically that we don’t know what the fuck is going on?”

”Exactly.” 

They smile at each other, and Matteo’s eyes are shining, and it almost hurts how much David wants to kiss Matteo.

David looks down. He needs to stop. “Okay, good. I’d better get going. See you tomorrow, then.”

“Yeah, tomorrow.”

David strolls home. It’s not like he’s running away, this time, not really. He just needs a little room, again. This time, though, he knows he’ll actually see Matteo tomorrow.

At home, he finds his art and his paintbrushes and manages to push his thoughts away from Matteo for just a moment, while thoughts of multiple universes, entanglement and the butterfly effect swirl around in his head and make him dizzy. And he paints. He paints marks and entangled atoms and butterflies, and it’s alright. 

He’ll find ways to deal with this soulmate stuff, he tells himself. He’ll find ways to deal with Matteo, too. It will probably hurt, but he’ll find these moments of peace in his art, just like he does now, and it’ll work. 

He paints, and paints, and tries not to think about what he can’t have.

###  **_Matteo_**

Matteo watches David leave, but for once it doesn’t hurt. He glances at the mark on his wrist, where the silver is shining bright and the bird looks settled and at ease instead of desperate and pushing to free itself. He sets a course for home and thinks maybe it means David won’t stay away again this time.

He hopes so, anyway.

Which is the dumbest thing he could ever think of. Because hope is dangerous to Matteo’s peace of mind. Hope makes him think more of some of the looks and the glances. It makes him wonder about the way the mark shifts on Matteo’s arm whenever he gives a small hint that he’s pleased or displeased with how things are going with David. It makes him wonder just how tuned in David is to his own moods, if David’s are so easily affected by something Matteo does. It makes him want that to mean something more than the platonic soulmate he’s always thought he wanted.

Matteo sighs, drags his thoughts away from this.  He watches the thin, almost invisible layer of ice reflect streetlights on the ground before him, and allows his brain to be empty, content to exist and be. The ice crunches under his boots. He watches his breaths rise as white-puffed clouds in front of him. It’s really getting cold, so he’d better head home. His thoughts won’t stay still, though.  He keeps coming back to their bond over and over again in a tired circle. What he should really focus on right now is the fact that they’ve decided to tell people. It makes his chest freeze when he thinks about it, but under that is some sort of relief. Maybe once everyone knows, Matteo won’t feel so weird about it all.

That thought stays with him as he gets home into the warm flat and goes to bed. It even stays with him through the next morning and day. He knows, deep inside, that the people around him aren’t going to react badly. No-one is going to belittle him or sneer at him or whatever it is he’s been worried about. He knows that even though David is a boy it’s not going to matter to any of them. It’s a damn platonic soulbond, after all, regardless of what Matteo wants it to be. That means that it doesn’t matter what gender David is, and no-one will question it.

Because no-one knows just how much Matteo wants it to be romantic. No-one knows they kissed. No-one knows just what that meant to Matteo.

That afternoon, before he can think better of it, feeling reckless, Matteo drags his phone out of his pocket and sends a message to Jonas.

_ You want to meet? _ he asks, trying to make it sound casual. But he knows Jonas is going to think something is up because Matteo seldom asks for this sort of thing out of nowhere.

He bites his lip, his phone shaking from the trembling in his hand as he waits for the answer.

_ Sure, _ he gets back.  _ When? _ He can almost feel the puzzlement in Jonas’s tone.

When indeed? Matteo thinks carefully. Part of him wants to do it right now, to get it out of the way. Whatever’s coming, he wants to know it for sure and not worry endlessly. But the sensible part of him knows that he should take his time and do it properly rather than blurting it out.

So what he does is offer Jonas a few potential times and lets it be. He moves on with the rest of his day, trying not to let David consume his thoughts. That part’s hard though, with the mark on his wrist broadcasting everything. David’s a little nervous. The bird flutters occasionally, its wings restlessly brushing the edges of the mark. Matteo has learned that means David is feeling jittery himself. 

He wonders if he’s just as anxious about telling others as Matteo is. That’s probably not true, though. David was so calm during their conversation about it, he can’t be feeling the same way.

Still. The fact that David isn’t entirely put together makes it easier for Matteo to settle into his own anxieties. They’re in this together, and whatever is making David feel off, at least they will be coming back to each other and will have each other’s backs. That’s the beauty of a soulbond, even a platonic one. Matteo doesn’t have to move through life alone anymore.

As if the thought was all that Jonas was waiting for, he messages Matteo back.  _ Dinner tonight? I’ll cook something cool. _

Matteo blinks at the screen in consternation. Jonas has never offered to cook for him before, and it’s odd enough that Matteo wonders just how weird his own behaviour has been lately. He gulps against the guilt that produces and sends back an affirmation. 

By the time he knocks on the door later that evening, he’s almost calm. It helps that he’s got a joint tucked into his pocket that he knows he can bring out if he needs something to help things along. Still. It feels big, this thing. Weighty. Telling Jonas changes everything. At least, telling him  _ who _ Matteo bonded with will.

The door swings open and Jonas is there, warm brown eyes and a huge smile as usual. Behind him, though, is a flash of red hair and Matteo stops in the doorway, startled. 

“I didn’t know Hanna would be here,” he says quietly, nodding in her direction as he steps inside and starts to shrug out of his jacket to cover up for the sudden blast of ice that flooded him when he saw her.

“Yeah,” Jonas says, cheerfully, pushing the door shut behind Matteo and reaching to take the jacket. “She comes for dinner sometimes, and it’s been ages since just the three of us hung out.” He looks back at Matteo, a small crease forming between his eyes. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“No,” Matteo says, following him through into the lounge, where Hanna is sitting with a bottle of beer and a big smile on her face. Her legs are curled up underneath her body and she looks cozy and relaxed. 

Matteo manages a reasonably natural smile as he takes her in and moves to flop down into a nearby chair. He’s been so set on telling Jonas that he hadn’t considered what he might do if someone else was there with them, so now he has to think on the fly, which he’s terrible at doing.

He falls silent almost immediately. Jonas is bustling around in the kitchen so it’s just Matteo and Hanna and they’re sitting together. She’s quiet and pensive, the beer she’s holding almost as neglected as the one Matteo was given when he sat. He glances sideways at her, wonders if he has the strength to talk to her about this.

Her eyes flick over to his and she smiles, a small, sad one that calls to something inside Matteo as well.

“How are you?” she asks eventually when it’s obvious that he’s not going to speak first.

Matteo shrugs. He’s not sure how he can broach any or all of this stuff that’s swirling around in his head. But he has to say something, needs to get the weight off his chest before it stifles him completely. So he gives her the truth, even if not the entire truth. “I feel a bit fucked up, if you want the truth.”

She nods as if she understands, takes a small sip of her beer, and tilts her head slightly. “Me too,” she finally admits quietly. “I have no idea what to do with … well with anything.” She looks down at her hands, clasped around her bottle, and sighs. “Abi isn’t going so well.”

It’s strange how those small words make something loosen up inside of Matteo. He still feels kind of awful and guilty about several things, but when it washes over him, he takes in a breath and reminds himself that he cannot undo what he has done. People do dumb things sometimes. Hanna has done her share, so has he. It’s a chance now to get some of the things that have been stressing him out. The idea of finally having someone else to share his burden is enticing, especially someone like Hanna who gets it. Someone who isn’t firmly fixed on a bright shining future. Someone who’s as restless and uneasy about school ending as he is. Matteo hardly takes a moment before he whispers, “I kind of cheated.”

Her eyes snap up to him, wide and shocked, and he nods. “Yeah,” he says. “And someone found the sheet of notes so now I’m just…” He flaps his hand uselessly. “I’m just waiting for the whole thing to crash down on me. Someone’s going to know my handwriting soon, and then … well, then I guess I fail.”

She’s looking at him with a deep compassion when he finally brings himself to look over at her. She must see something in his face because she slips off her seat and moves over to the chair he’s sitting on to pull him into an awkward sideways hug.

“It’ll be okay,” she says. “Do you think it might help if you tell them? That you had notes, I mean.”

The words send a wash of cold terror right through Matteo’s veins and he freezes. Logically, he knows she’s right. Logically, it would even probably be best for him if it stopped the constant anxiety about what happened to them. But logic has no place here, and his emotions are so overwhelming that all he can do is shake his head. Hanna looks thoughtful and she pats his arm before giving him one final squeeze and retreating back to her own seat.

Jonas pops his head out of the kitchen at that point. He’s cheerful, lit up with a wide smile and his cheeks flushed with heat from whatever he’s been cooking.

“It’ll be about twenty minutes,” he says, nodding back over his shoulder. He scrubs his hands on some sort of cloth, then casually tosses it behind him into the kitchen. When he comes back into the room, he slips into the seat next to Hanna on the couch.

Even through his own tension, Matteo can see the stiff way they both hold themselves, not allowing themselves to be too comfortable. He laughs quietly, making them snap their yes back over to him. He shrugs when Jonas raises his brows in query about what’s so funny and takes a swig of his beer to cover. How can he tell his friend that his stupid pining is reciprocated? There doesn’t seem to be any good way to knock their heads together and make them see sense.

Matteo snorts quietly to himself. Maybe that’s what he should do to David. They keep going back and forth, washing one way and the other like a tide. What they actually need is to just bite the bullet, or rip the bandaid off, or whatever other metaphor works for their situation. He watches his friends carefully, sees how much they aren’t saying to each other and to him. Then he clears his throat.

Today’s a day for big confessions, it seems. Some small weight falls off him when they both settle back into their seats a little and move their attention fully to him. One way or the other, he’s ending this uncertainty right now.

“I … uh,” he manages, before feeling his cheeks heating and stuttering to an awkward halt. He looks up again, into Jonas’s encouraging eyes and Hanna’s supportive smile. He forces his body to relax. “I’m … um. I bonded? With … someone you know.”

Jonas blinks in surprise as he looks at Matteo. His mind is clearly whirling, trying to piece together who it might be, but Hanna seems to already have caught on.

“David,” she breathes, her smile widening as she sits forward to stare at him.

“Mmmm,” he agrees. “David.”

“That’s really cool, bro,” Jonas says now, sitting forward so he can pat Matteo’s leg. “A platonic soulmate just like you always wanted.”

“Yep,” Matteo agrees weakly. A platonic soulmate. Definitely just like he’s always wanted. He wishes in this moment that he hadn’t been so vocal about that. He sucks in another breath and shakes out his hands. He knows he looks ridiculously like he’s gearing up to go onto a sports field for a big game, but he needs the self pep talk. He can do this, even if there’s an extra person here. 

Matteo looks at Jonas again, then Hanna. They both look delighted for him, and he hopes it won’t change. “It is platonic,” he says eventually, horrified at how small his voice is. “But … I kind of wish it wasn’t.”

He lets his breath out slowly, not daring to look at them again. Then he hears some sort of rustling and they both end up on his chair again, perched one on either side, arms wrapped around his shoulders.

“Hey,” Jonas says, ruffling his hair. “That’s cool you know. I mean, not that it’s not what you want. But, you know, that you want it.”

“Yeah,” Hanna agrees. “It’s a hard one, but we’re here if you ever need to talk.”

Matteo nods, relieved. He didn’t think it would go badly, but there was still that tiny pinprick of doubt. That they didn’t bat an eyelid makes it easier, but it’s still hard. Because there’s still the issue of David and the bond and everything Matteo wants it to be and can’t have.

“So… What does David think, then?” Jonas asks. “Does he want more, too?”

“No,” Matteo says quickly. “I don’t think so. We haven’t really talked about it.”

Hanna leans back, staring at him. “Well, that sounds dumb. Not talking, I mean.”

Matteo wants to say ‘right, look who’s talking’ but he lets it be. “There’s no point, anyway. We’re platonic soulmates, and it’s good.” 

He shrugs again, trying to be nonchalant, trying to pretend that it’s not huge what he just admitted to them. “Did you say there’d be food soon?” he asks.

Jonas gives him a look like he knows he’s trying to avoid the conversation, but he exchanges a look with Hanna and then he stands up. 

“True,” he says, looking at his phone. “It should be just about ready.” he grins down at Matteo. “Are you ready for the culinary delights of pasta a la Augustin?”

Matteo groans, the way he knows Jonas intended, and they descend into banal banter as Jonas gets the food ready. It’s nice, and there’s a weight off Matteo’s chest just having told them. He knows intellectually that a platonic bond is a wonderful thing. He knows that having David as his bonded partner is going to be good. He knows that, and in his head it’s all very structured. The how and the what and everything it will take to make this bond work. He can do this, he knows he can. And it’s going to be easier now that other people know. Now all he has to do is make the rest of his body catch up with his head. 

They sit with Jonas’s pasta, which isn’t actually horrible. Matteo scoops a forkful into his mouth, makes a show of chewing as if he’s the judge on a cooking show, then nods to Jonas.

“Maybe not as good as pasta a la Luigi, but not too bad, bro.”

Jonas rolls his eyes and Hanna laughs beside him. It’s nice, peaceful. They treat him just the same as they always have and that’s a weight gone from Matteo. 

“There’s a soulbond planning meeting this week,” Hanna says, as if to emphasise the point that everything is still the same and the world keeps on revolving the way it always has done. “Do you think you’ll come, Matteo?”

“Yeah.” He nods, realises that he’s actually been enjoying the planning. Working on the tech stuff for David has been fulfilling in a way that nothing else is lately. “Yeah, working with David has been pretty great actually.”

“I bet it has,” Jonas says, knocking Matteo’s shoulder with his own and laughing when Matteo knows a crimson creeps into his cheeks.

He chooses not to answer, just smiles and eats some more food. It’s nice that they can tease this way. It makes it feel more normal, like wanting a romantic bond isn’t the tragedy Matteo has sometimes fallen into the habit of thinking it is.

As Hanna and Jonas start bickering about what they should do for the planning, and if Kiki gets to tell them, Matteo sits back and listens. Telling them had seemed like the hardest thing in the world but he feels lighter now. Happier. If this is what talking things out does for him, Matteo thinks maybe he should do more of it. 


	13. Myth 7: “A soulmate is all you need” (part one)

###  **_Matteo_**

There’s a dramatic lessening of the tension Matteo has been feeling now that he’s told Jonas and Hanna, and now that he’s at least let someone else know about his cheating. The missing sheet of notes still weighs on him and he feels the cold wash of anxiety whenever he remembers it, but he doesn’t dwell on it as much as he did, and underneath it all things are just less. Less huge, less intimidating, less stressful. 

Jonas and Hanna give him encouraging looks every time they meet his eyes over the next few days, and Matteo feels like he should be annoyed by their obvious ‘support mode activated’ approach, but all he feels is a deep sense of fondness for them both. The fact that they know he wants David in a more than platonic way and that they encourage those thoughts is something he’d never thought he’d ever get, and it’s more endearing than he’d expected all those times he insisted he only wanted a platonic bond.

During the same time, Matteo is in almost constant text contact with David, sending and receiving numerous stupid memes, tiny insights into their days, moments when one thinks of something the other might like. It’s nice. Platonic as it is, this connection is slowly becoming the most important one in Matteo’s life.

Part of him keeps trying to push that away, the part of him that thinks he doesn’t deserve a connection that’s permanent. The part of him that he closed off and locked away when his father left them. But there’s a rational side to him that repeats the mantra he’s been trying to live by: that he’s allowed to want to be close to people. That not everyone will abandon him just as he lets himself trust them. That’s particularly true of David; they’re tied together no matter what comes. So Matteo lets himself settle into it, he lets himself enjoy the connection and the newness of getting to know David properly.

_ You coming to the soulbond meeting tonight? _ he sends eventually, because he wants to see David again and he’s finally admitting it to himself. The anxiety of knowing David will be able to read every single neon thought he has is disappearing into a new sense of loss when he’s not around.

_ Yeah, _ David sends back.  _ I need to keep an eye on my tech guru for the art. _

Matteo stares at it for a long time. Tech guru. He doesn’t feel like he’s  _ that _ good, and yet David keeps saying stuff like this. And Kiki even sort of acknowledged it when she didn’t push back when David suggested they work together. Matteo’s not used to being wanted like this, to having things he does be  _ seen _ and  _ approved. _ He’s always wanted to stay in the shadows, unknown and unknowable. In the shadows, after all, no-one can let you down and you can’t let anyone else down either. 

And yet.

And yet it’s nice to see this, to have David of all people so casually praise him. So Matteo swallows his instinct to deflect and deny and just sends back  _ Haha. You definitely need the help. _

He laughs out loud at the string of affronted emojis he gets in return, and it’s with a light heart that he pushes open the door to Hanna’s home where Kiki has arranged the next meeting.

The first thing he sees when he enters is David, comfortably settled on a low couch. His eyes are alight and his face is bright as he leans towards the guy sitting to his left. Matteo feels a sharp stab of jealousy which isn’t entirely unexpected, but is something he knows he should work on. Bond or not he has no actual claim on David and his time and attention. Not really.

Then David looks up and catches Matteo’s eyes. His face softens, and his smile widens. There’s a new teasing glint in his eyes and he nods towards the seat on his other side. The implication is obvious. He wants Matteo to come and sit with him. Trying to swallow the sudden rush of delight that swamps his body at the idea that David genuinely enjoys being with him, Matteo quickly makes his way over to the seat and plops down next to David, elbowing him in the ribs for good measure as he does so.

“Why are you like this?” David protests, as he ostentatiously rubs the spot Matteo hit. There’s no animosity in his tone, though, so Matteo just grins and leans back in the seat.

“Natural charm,” he suggests. “No-one can resist it.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” David says, pushing him before Kiki calls the meeting to order.

Matteo doesn’t miss the small shutter of David’s face, though, the way his mouth droops for a brief second as he says those words before he’s pulled a new smile onto his face. It looks fake, like David’s hiding something too. It makes Matteo wonder. Remembering the kiss they shared and the way it made him feel, Matteo can’t help but think. And hope. Maybe he’s not the only one who wants this to be more. Maybe he should say something, tease out if there  _ is _ something there.

It’s a thought he’s not able to examine in much detail before they’re in their groups with a deadline looming and a schedule to be completed. There’s no time to overthink anything, with the intensity of the session Kiki is pushing them through, but Matteo can’t drop it without making some small gesture. So he lets his hand fall to his side, concealed in the folds of his sweats and David’s baggy clothes, and lets it fall in a way that means it brushes up against David’s hand which is already lying on the couch next to him.

He hears the small gasp and flicks his gaze sideways, takes in the small frown and rosy blush staining David’s cheeks. He’s looking at Matteo, a question in his eyes, one which Matteo isn’t sure how to answer. But he presses his finger closer to David’s and is rewarded with a tiny smile and a slight press back before the hand is withdrawn and they’re forced to move and concentrate on the large sheet of paper in front of them.

The concept group has been focused on their own ideas, the cliche pictures they had been planning, but they stop and take in the pictures David has been creating, the rough and jagged edges blending into softer and more centered pieces as the various bond types come together. Matteo’s proud of the way he’s managed to work with the images to give them a look that both he and David are happy with.

There are images of entangled atoms in bright colours, beautiful marks and symbols from different cultures, and they all fit together, as if they speak of hope, and togetherness. The images stir something inside of Matteo, they remind him of the kind of joy and wonder he could feel when he was younger, following his dad to a museum, or his mum on her choir practices. It’s like David has put some of his soul in his art.

He probably has.

”It’s all beautiful, ” Matteo comments, and he doesn’t care if David picks up the feelings behind his words.

”Thank you, ” David says, blushing. He is leaning forward as he explains the pictures to the others. His voice is high and excited and his face is creased with a large smile as he explains. There’s something about watching him as he’s so enthusiastic that electrifies something deep inside Matteo, something hot and wanting. For all he knows he should quell these feelings, Matteo can’t quite manage to turn it all off. Not after the things he’s starting to wonder. Not when looking at those lashes framing the joy in David’s eyes. Not while examining the profile that’s becoming almost as familiar to him as his own.

Besides, Matteo feels a swelling pride as he listens. That’s his bond mate, and while most people here don’t know that, he can’t help but feel the pleasure that comes from knowing how the whole thing came together, from the ideas to the hastily scribbled first images to these initial attempts at combining the art with Matteo’s digital prowess. It’s David’s moment, but Matteo feels some small part of it. He’s also proud that David is ‘his’ even if he can’t claim him properly yet.

Kiki and Amira eventually come closer and settle in to listen to a much faster, more streamlined, version of the idea and to critically look over the images David and Matteo have produced. For a moment, Matteo’s heart is in his mouth, breathless as if his whole future depends on what they think. It’s ridiculous, and at any other time he’d probably scoff at this with an annoyed eye roll or immature comment. But today it’s not just him that’s being judged, it’s David. And this  _ means _ something to him.

Even though he tried to remind himself that Kiki isn’t the be-all and end-all of soulbond party planning, it’s still a relief to see her smile at the pictures they’ve produced.

“This is going to be cool,” she says, nodding approvingly at David. His grin is blinding, and Matteo finds it close to impossible to drag his eyes away. Some things should be illegal, he thinks. David being this happy and this excited is one of them; it’s too much for Matteo and his fragile emotions to bear.

Still, he turns that blinding grin on Matteo once the girls have moved away, and suggests that they go outside, “to celebrate,” in his words. And Matteo can’t think of any sort of good reason not to go. Spending time with David is so much fun that Matteo finds it hard to even remember why he’d been keeping something of a distance, why he’d been so worried about talking things out. Whatever happens, after all, they’re still going to be bonded and they really should start that off in as honest a way as possible.

They walk quietly together for a while, their breaths syncing and their steps falling into a slow, even pace together. Matteo glances down at his wrist and sees the fluttering silver bird back, its wings spread and no longer giving the sense that it feels trapped. That  _ David _ feels trapped.

“You’re feeling good,” he says softly, thinking the only way through this whole business is to broach it more often.

David’s eyes on him are startled and wide, his breath a sudden sharp slash in the quiet of the evening. He shakes himself, clearly trying to push something away.

“Yeah,” he agrees, his voice so quiet Matteo can barely hear it. Probably wouldn’t hear it if it hadn’t been so quiet in the still evening around them. They walk on, steps still muffled in the soft sludge underneath their feet, walking in tune with each other. “I think I understand why you don’t like the thing I do,” David adds eventually.

Matteo looks over at him. His eyes are fixed on the ground and there’s a determination on his face. Matteo knocks his shoulder into David’s, hoping to get him to smile. Hoping even more to get him to look at him. It works, somewhat. David shrugs and glances in his direction, but it seems that whatever he wants to say needs to be said to the ground because his eyes return to stare down at it.

“I just … feel kind of weird when you say stuff like that, you know. That I feel good, and you know it. Part of me wonders if you can tell  _ why _ I feel good, and then I spiral in case you know, in case you can  _ tell...  _ You know?”

“Yeah,” Matteo agrees. “But I can’t. But the bird … it’s usually around when you feel good, you know? Or sometimes not, but the bird means something and I just … understand it.”

David turns to him at that. “It’s usually when we’re together, isn’t it? That it shows me feeling good, I mean.”

“Mmmm,” Matteo agrees, puzzled. 

“I feel good because of you,” David says. His hand reaches out, and even in the rapidly cooling air of the day, his skin has a residual warmth from his pocket and Matteo shivers when that hand connects with his own. 

There’s something here, something big. The part of Matteo that he’s hidden away and tried to protect wants to turn and run, it wants to get out of here before he says something that might leave him open and vulnerable and hurt. But he squishes it, because he’s so tired of the running and the pretending. He’s tired of trying to hide his thoughts whenever he speaks. If they’re going to make their way through this thing in any way that works, Matteo is going to have to be honest. Anyway, like Hanna had said, this not talking is just  _ dumb. _

“I need to tell you something,” Matteo says, taking a deep breath when David’s finger stills on his own and he looks up at him.

“I know this is a platonic bond, and I know that’s all you want,” Matteo rushes out before he can think better of it. He understands something of why David spoke to the ground when it was his turn, but pushes that thought away as he speeds through the rest of what he has to say. “But … I want it to be more than that.”

Fuck. He really said it. 

David stares at him with wide eyes, but Matteo continues before he has time to respond. “And I just… felt you should know. I’m not going to be able to hide it forever anyway. I won’t bother you with it, though. I promise. I know you don’t want...”

He trails off as he feels David’s hand sliding around on his wrist and he feels the way his fingers press to the mark. The reaction this time is much bigger than before, flooding Matteo with a light and a joy he hasn’t ever felt before. When he looks down, the bird is bright silver, shining in a way that’s almost blinding, once again framed so it looks like it’s taking flight, wings fluttering purposefully as they spread wide. The silver shines vividly even in the gentle light from the streetlights around them.

“I do, though,” David says. His eyes are warm and bright, a suffused happiness brimming in them when Matteo finally chances a look up and into his face. “I never wanted a platonic bond. That was always you.”

###  **_David_**

After Matteo’s and David’s talk about letting others know about their bond, David isn’t sure who to tell first. So when Jonas asks him for some notes from one of the classes he has missed, David wonders if  _ this _ is it. His moment.

However, when he and Jonas sit down at the cafe not far from school, Jonas beats him to it.

”So… Matteo told Hanna and me about your bond,” he says, smiling a little. ”I hope it’s okay that we know?”

”Sure, yeah.” David relaxes back in his seat and allows his eyes to wander around the room a little. The cafe is busy, but the cozy decor makes it feel safe, like a cocoon. ”We agreed that it was about time to tell others.”

Jonas nods. He doesn’t ask any questions, but David answers the unspoken ones.

”It’s good,” he says. ”It has taken us some time to figure things out but it gets better and better.”

Jonas gives one of his approving smiles, almost like he’s proud. ”Good.”

”Yeah. I’m glad it’s Matteo,” David admits, and tries to hide his blush as he takes another sip from his coffee. ”And I’m sure he’s relieved that the bond is a platonic one.” 

”Right,” Jonas says, and shuts his mouth. He suddenly looks like he has more questions. ”Are  _ you _ relieved?” he finally asks. 

David shrugs. He’s not sure if he’s ready to share his feelings just yet. ”It doesn’t really matter. You wanted my notes, right?” He starts to dig through his bag. He’s grateful that Jonas doesn’t comment on his obvious attempt to avoid the subject.

”Thanks,” Jonas just says, and they drink their coffees and talk about the notes and their exams instead.

David leaves the cafe feeling a little lighter. Talking to Jonas about the bond briefly like this is perhaps not that much, but it feels like a beginning.

During the following days, David finds some sort of rhythm with Matteo. They text and keep in touch, and it’s all okay. 

David tells himself that he can be happy with this. It will be enough.

After all, his life is pretty good right now. He has friends, a soulmate, and a loving sister. His tribe. Right now, he appreciates that fact even more than ever. And sometimes, it’s like his tribe has filled more corners of his life than he’s been aware of. Sometimes it finds new corners to fill.

One evening he and Laura order a pizza, and David can’t believe it when he opens the door and sees who delivers it.

”Amira!”

He gapes at her, staring.

She stares back at him with her beautiful eyes under a big helmet. ”If you tell anyone, I’ll have to kill you,” she says, with a weak smile.

He knows it’s a joke, recognises the survival instinct that causes someone to make jokes like that, but he still can’t help asking, ”Why?”

Amira shrugs, hands him the pizza and gives him a wider smile. ”I sometimes like to keep different parts of my life separate, I suppose?”

”Right.” David can relate to that. ”Well. Do you have to run off to your next delivery?” he asks. ”Or would you like something to drink? Or maybe a slice of pizza?”

Amira hesitates for just a moment. Then she gives him one of her shining smiles. ”I wouldn’t mind a glass of water.”

She takes off her shoes and her helmet and follows him into the kitchen.

”Pizza’s here!” he announces, loud enough for his sister to hear it from her room. As he leaves the food on the table and finds a glass of water for Amira, Laura enters the kitchen.

”Oh, nice,” she says and then she gives Amira a smile. ”Hey!”

”My sister, Laura,” David explains as the two of them greet each other.

”Amira, right?” Laura asks.

”That’s me, ” Amira smiles back. 

”From school,” David adds. ”And the soulbond party group.”

Laura starts to dig into the pizza. ”Right. How is that going?”

”I’m sure it will turn out okay,” David says.

”Always so careful,” Laura winks, and David fights the wish to pull her hair.

”It’s good,” Amira says and looks at David. ”How’s your art looking?”

David doesn't know what to say. He feels good about it, but he doesn’t know for sure how others will feel about the posters. ”I’m gonna bring it to the meeting. But maybe you’d like to have a look?”

”You should,” Laura comments. ”And don’t listen to David if he starts to talk it down. It’s awesome.”

”Cool. Yes, I’d love to see it!” Amira grins.

David leads the way to his room. And suddenly he understands Amira’s wish to keep separate worlds apart very well. Amira has never been in his room before, very few of his newfound friends have, and it feels strangely intimate. 

He’s not sure if Amira picks his tension up, but she comments that she likes his room when she enters. ”It feels a lot like you.”

”Thank you.” He shows her his concept and his paintings.

Amira’s smile gets wider as she looks over it all. ”This is amazing, David. You’ve done a great job.”

David can’t stop the heat rising in his face. ”Thanks. I did get some help, though.”

Amira turns her head and looks at him. ”From Matteo, right?”

”Yeah.”

”Cool.” Amira gets a thoughtful expression. ”I kinda wondered if working on this project could give Matteo some new perspectives on bonding.”

”Yeah?”

Amira shrugs. ”Yeah, we have talked a bit about it for the exams. He sometimes seems to not like it that much, is all.”

David sighs. ”Well I suppose some things are a bit… tricky.” He hesitates. ”Can I tell you something?” 

”Of course!”

”Matteo told you he bonded with someone, right?”

Amira blinks. ”Uh… Yeah?”

David takes a deep breath. This is it. This is his moment. 

”Well, it’s with me.”

”Aah.” Amira doesn't look very surprised, but that’s maybe not so strange. David knows she’s quite smart. ”Is Matteo okay with you telling me this?”

”Yeah, we agreed to tell people.” David is surprised by the sudden relief he feels. He finally sits down on his bed.

Amira smiles, and sits down on his chair. ”Good. And how do you feel about it?”

”Great. I mean. It has its ups and downs. That thing you mentioned earlier, about keeping different worlds separate… hasn’t been easy.”

”Because you pick up each other’s feelings and things?”

”Right.” 

Amira nods, slowly. ”I can see how that could be tricky.”

”Yeah.” David pauses, but then he surprises himself when he continues: ”Especially since… We think the bond is platonic. But uh… I kind of wish it was more.”

Amira gives him a slow nod then. ”That sounds hard. And I don’t know everything about bonding, but… I guess the important question is… What does Matteo want?”

”He wants a platonic bond,” David says, automatically. It’s a truth he has repeated so many times that it’s like it has lost its meaning.

”He used to say that,” Amira draws out. ”Could be worth it to ask him, though. If he still feels the same way.”

Right. David doubts it will change anything. He knows it’s no use. He knows what answer he’ll get from Matteo. And still… Her words stay with him for hours and days after their talk. 

And David starts to wonder.

He has been so scared, for such a long time. He’s tired of it. 

That’s why, when he goes to the soulbond meeting, he has a plan.

This soulbond between Matteo and him is a gift, he can’t deny it. The bond has allowed him to get to know Matteo, and open up to him in ways he had doubted that he ever would. With anyone. Matteo knows a lot about David. He doesn’t know what David feels for him, perhaps, but he knows some of his deepest secrets, about his fears and his wishes. 

Oh, how David wishes… He knows he’s not likely to get his dearest wish, but that won’t stop him now. 

Matteo enters the room and David feels somehow like there’s no way back. He needs to tell Matteo how he feels. And then… well, he is a bit fuzzy on that ‘and then what’ part of his plan. But he knows that he can’t keep Matteo at a distance. He wants Matteo in his life, regardless of how. He will take whatever Matteo will offer, really. He needs to know what Matteo has to offer, though. For sure, no guessing.

He shivers a little, realising again that he has hoped for something more, growing between them. 

Man, it really is going to suck if Matteo squashes David’s hope of something more than a friendship. The hope that is sort of pushing him closer to Matteo no matter what. 

And then Matteo is there, right next to him, elbowing him. Joking. And David does his best to keep the tone light and then focus on the meeting, the art.

It’s tricky, though.

There’s something with Matteo today, something new. Like an unspoken question in his eyes. The same unspoken question when their fingers brush against each other. It all seems to mean something. And David can’t hold back the small hope starting to tingle and grow inside.

When they leave the meeting together, the tingling hope has become a big roar inside of him. David feels good, walking next to Matteo.

”You feel good,” Matteo comments, and it takes David a moment to realize that Matteo refers to his mark. And oh. Yes. 

David can’t fight the the sudden sting of fear of revealing himself. Of revealing his deepest feelings. Suddenly he gets Matteo’s resistance towards David picking up his subconscious wishes all too well.

He tells Matteo just that. 

Then Matteo says he has something to tell him. They stare at each other. There’s an uncertainty in Matteo’s eyes that David wishes he could wash away. Then Matteo says that he knows it’s a platonic bond, but that he wants it to be more.

_ Matteo _ wants it to be more?

Wait. He says  _ David _ wants the bond to be platonic?

David reaches out to touch his beautiful mark, and his heart skips a beat as he feels the bliss flowing between them. It tells him, better than anything else, what is really going on here. How badly they’ve been misinterpreting each other. How much he needs to put this right.

”I never wanted a platonic bond. That was always you,” David protests, feeling the heat from the mark steady under his fingertips. His voice comes out soft and breathy. All he is capable of is staring at Matteo in dumb silence. There are so many things he needs to say to Matteo, and to ask him. He just doesn’t know where to start. His thoughts spin around in his head, and the chaos makes it hard to find the right words to say. But he tries anyway; this seems to big to let go.

”You said so, from the very beginning.”

Matteo blinks, drags his eyes from the mark and up to David’s face. ”I suppose I did. I meant it, too. And then… this bond happened and I just never thought I would get a chance with someone like you.” He pauses. “You said we could find... uh... romance elsewhere.”

David winces, knowing that his words had been hurtful. ”I did. I was just trying to protect myself, I think. I’m sorry.” He takes a deep breath. ”I mean it, Matteo. I do want more.”

”Yeah?” The wonder in Matteo’s eyes is like starlight, shining from within.

David’s heart won’t stop racing. Maybe. Maybe they really can do this.

Matteo pulls him close. And it shouldn’t be that big of a surprise, maybe. They both know it's coming. They share a look. There’s something shy hidden in Matteo’s eyes, as if he still can’t quite believe this can be true. It’s probably reflected in his own eyes, David thinks, because part of him can’t quite believe this sudden change either. Still, David gasps as he feels Matteo’s chest against his, and he shivers all over, as if they were surrounded by cold air while being to only two heated beings in the universe. Well, it’s not exactly warm outside, but that’s not what makes him shiver. Matteo puts his arms around him, and hugs him, and David hugs him back. He buries his face into that tender crook of Matteo’s neck and Matteo’s arms squeeze him a fraction tighter. Warmth rushes through David’s body and he melts into Matteo as every muscle loses its tension. God, he wants this so much. Matteo feels so good and smells so good and...

Suddenly, David can’t hold himself any longer. He pulls back out of the hug, smiling at the small huff of a noise Matteo makes as they lose that contact. He stares into his eyes for a second, trying to read whatever might be in there. All he can see is the starlight still shining there. So he draws Matteo’s face closer and lets their lips meet in a gentle kiss. The soft and warm feeling of Matteo’s lips makes him tingle all over. All he can do is clutch at Matteo’s shoulders and lose himself in the sensation.

Matteo sighs and kisses him back. 

It’s wonderful. David’s eyes fall closed, and all he can feel is him. Matteo. His warmth, his touch, his being. David’s heart aches when Matteo’s hands cup his cheeks and he kisses him deeper. David wants it so much it almost hurts, and when Matteo pulls away for air, David pulls him back in. He’s intoxicated— and maybe he’s intoxicating Matteo, too, but it doesn't matter. 

Right now it feels like nothing will matter more than this.


	14. Myth 7: “A soulmate is all you need.” (part two)

###  **_Matteo_**

It’s not like everything changes after they kiss again, except it kind of is like that. They don’t spend much more time together than they had before. There are still so many things swarming in Matteo’s head that refuse to be silenced or to leave him alone. Exams still loom like giant roadblocks in his way. Matteo still doesn’t study enough and the stress still drops him into a seemingly-endless fog. And yet.

And yet it all seems lighter now too. David sits with him sometimes when they’re studying and there’s something about his presence that makes Matteo feel calmer. They touch more, David’s fingers skittering over his mark without thought, sending waves of warmth and light through Matteo and making David’s eyes light up with something that looks soft and fond. 

Part of Matteo wonders why, if they have a platonic bond, he feels the way he does. There’s a logical side of him that protests against this, because they’ve done the research. They’re pretty sure it’s platonic, all the signs suggest it, and yet it feels right being  _ something else _ with David even if it’s not entirely clear what that  _ something else _ might be. The confession of his feelings has loosened some ugly thing in Matteo’s chest, and while he knows there are still things he’d prefer to keep from David, the worst of them is gone. Matteo had felt like he would always be in danger of being exposed as long as they lived, but now that he’s confessed his feelings that fear is gone.

Better yet, David had felt the same way. Everything is out in the open and they kissed again. The one problem, as Matteo sees it, is that they haven’t really gone  _ there _ again. Sure, things are a lot more comfortable now. They lie sprawled together on the bed when they study, legs tangling together as they relax. Their hands brush more often than they have before, and their bodies don’t hold the sort of tension they’ve so often had over the weeks since they knew they were bonded.

But there hasn’t been any more kissing, and while this is nice, Matteo rather thinks that more kissing would probably be nicer. They’re slumped together one night after a long study session and Matteo’s back is aching from the way he’s been slouched over his books. David seems more at ease, his body long and lean as he stretches out beside Matteo.

Groaning, Matteo turns so he’s on his stomach and looks over at David. He reaches out to poke him, startling a surprised grunt out of him and making his eyes gleam in a way Matteo is coming to adore. 

“What do you want?” David asks, kicking out at him with the leg that isn’t currently twined between Matteo’s.

It’s unexpectedly difficult to look into those eyes and actually say out loud what it is he wants. So Matteo doesn’t, just reaches out and runs one finger along David’s jaw. Thankfully, he seems to get it and grabs it to drag it to his lips where he brushes the slightest kiss over Matteo’s knuckles before holding tight to the hand and settling in to look closely at Matteo.

There’s one moment where Matteo wonders if the whole mind reading thing is getting worse because they seem so in tune now, and David’s response is so perfectly attuned to what Matteo is thinking.

“You need to stop overthinking,” David says, as if in answer to that thought and Matteo can feel himself stiffening, his fingers twitching in David’s as a reaction to the fears. David shakes his head, leans forward to settle his forehead against Matteo’s. “I can’t read your mind,” he says. “I just know what you’re feeling. Because … I’m feeling it too.”

He brushes his free hand over Matteo’s wrist and makes the mark light up, the bird fluttering happily at the touch. Matteo’s eyes close briefly at the flush of warmth that flows through him from it.

“I’m not sure what’s happening,” Matteo confesses eventually. “I mean, the bond is still platonic, right? That hasn’t changed.”

“No,” David says quietly, his focus drifting away from Matteo for a moment as he does so. “That hasn’t changed.”

There’s a resigned pain in the words, but Matteo hears the smile there as well. The acknowledgement that whatever happens they’ve always got this. They will always be connected by their bond. Even if this whatever-it-is ends up fizzling out for one reason or another.

“So, someday this part just … stops?”

Matteo waves his hand between them to make sure David knows what he means by ‘this part.’

David acknowledges his understanding with a nod, then shrugs. “Yeah, I think so. Does it matter, though?”

Matteo rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling. He can’t quite look at David, not while they’re talking about this. He avoids the question altogether, instead deflecting into one he wants to know. “What do we want out of this?”

“I mean, we like each other right? We both want more than something platonic?”

Matteo can hear the laugh in his voice, the teasing tone. Because they did go over this part, they mocked each other on their way home from the meeting for being so stupid about their feelings. He feels his own cheeks twitch upwards into a helpless grin.

“Asshole. Stop bringing that up. You’re just as bad.”

“I want to kiss you,” David says, acknowledging the elephant in the room finally. “I’ve always wanted that. It’s just weird.”

“Well that’s flattering,” Matteo says, rolling into a position where he can lean on his elbow and look down into David’s face which is lit up with mirth. This all makes the situation much easier, taking some of the bigger implications out and leaving just them. Leaving laughter and silliness and making it all seem lighter and less weighty.

“You know what I mean,” David says. “I want to, a lot. All the time.”

“All the time, huh? I’m that enticing?”

David shoves him, knocking him off balance and making him laugh out loud. “Not right now,” he says. “But you must feel it too. The bond seems to be platonic, so it’s just a bit … weird.”

Sobering a little, Matteo nods. “Yeah,” he agrees. “I know.” 

And that’s the crux of the problem. They both want more, they both enjoy the touching and the lightness and the weight that’s been lifted now they both know they feel the same way. But the form of the bond itself sits there between them. And it’s frustrating.

“Maybe we should just say fuck it and do it anyway,” Matteo says eventually, hoping to make David laugh. “Keep kissing til it stops being weird.”

“Exposure therapy, in a way?” David asks with a cheeky grin on his face.

Matteo shrugs, incapable of keeping his own grin off his face. “Well, if it works…”

“I think you just want an excuse to kiss me.”

“Maybe I do,” Matteo says. “What are you going to do about it?”

In response, David takes hold of his shirt and pulls him in closer. The bantering tone drops away as he locks eyes with Matteo and then his gaze drifts down to his lips and back up to meet his eyes again. All the oxygen is sucked out of the room and suddenly every thought about weirdness or worry about how they deal with a platonic bond alongside romantic feelings, all of that disappears and then it’s easy.

Matteo leans forward at the same time as David does and their lips connect again. It lasts less than half a second and yet it moves everything, shifts it all sideways as they take that final step to letting all the worries drop away. What they have is a platonic bond. What they also have is a desire to be together. That’s not incompatible. They can make this work.

Matteo dives in again, to kiss David again, over and over. Because now he’s started he can’t stop.

“Stay?” he asks quietly between kisses.

“If you want,” David agrees. He leans back and examines Matteo’s face, eyes flicking over it as if he’s trying to memorise everything. He sighs. “We should tell your roommates, I guess.”

“Mmmm,” Matteo agrees, pulling him back into another kiss. “Not right now though.”

Right now, it’s enough to let this just be something between the two of them. Kissing, cuddling, being together. Matteo wants to enjoy this for a short while before they let anyone else into their circle.

Matteo shuffles into the kitchen early the next morning. Well, early for him. He’d left David sleeping, his hand tucked in under his chin, mouth dropped open and looking much less tense than he did when awake. Everything is softened in his sleep, and he looks boyish and young. Looking down into that relaxed face, Matteo can’t bring himself to wake him so he’s left him behind. 

Of course, that leaves him facing a breakfast with Hans and Mia with no backup and barely any idea of what he should or shouldn’t say about what’s happening between David and himself. They hadn’t, after all, made any firm plans about when they would tell anyone or what they might say if they did.

So he tries to avoid the matter altogether, opening the fridge and staring into it as if it might give him some ideas. Hans and Mia are together at the table and Matteo can hear the whispers coming from behind him. He knows he’s acting weird, feeling an awkward tension which is drawing his body up into an unnatural, stiff formality, and he knows they’re noticing it. After a scan of the fridge that lasts probably too long and is too intense, Matteo grabs some leftover dinner and backs out.

Turning to face the table, he grimaces at the bright sets of eyes looking back at him. He rolls his eyes as he spins to focus on heating up the food. There’s enough on the plate for David too, and Matteo can see the speculation on Hans’s face as he turns his back on the food to look back at them.

“Morning, butterfly,” Hans says, taking a sip of his coffee and smiling at Matteo over the cup.

“Morning,” Matteo mutters. He shrugs, unsure of what to say, and painfully aware that David is still here and somehow he needs to broach that with his flatmates. That’s not something he’s going to be able to hide even just for today.

There’s a rustle in the doorway and Matteo’s eyes snap over to see David standing there. He looks sleepy and slow eyed, his hair mussed up into a riot of curls on his head, his mouth open in a yawn and a bright, beautiful smile on his face. Matteo can feel his own face slipping into delight when he sees those eyes on him and the soft warmth he can trace in their expression.

Behind him, Hans clears his throat and Matteo snaps to attention quickly, suddenly remembering who else is here with them. When he glances in that direction, he can see Mia shushing Hans quickly, her own face creased in a cheerful smile. It looks bright and almost too shiny to be real.

David comes over to him and slips a hand behind him onto the counter. He leans in as if to check out the food as it warms, but as his lips get close to Matteo’s ear he whispers, “Do you want to tell them?”

Matteo nods and he can see the smile that blooms on David’s face out of the corner of his eye. The hand that was on the counter slips closer and brushes Matteo’s waist, making him shiver as those warm fingers light up his skin through the fragile fabric of the t-shirt he’s been wearing.

“Uh … Hans,” Matteo starts, dragging his attention back towards the two of them and away from Mia. 

His face is alight when he sing songs, “Yeeessss?”

“Mia, too,” Matteo mumbles and she smiles wider as she pats Hans’s hand and gives Matteo her attention too. “I… uh. I bonded.” He waves his hand in David’s direction, feeling the flood of heat in his cheeks and knows they must be stained bright crimson. This is much more awkward than he’d expected it to be.

David squeezes his waist reassuring him that it’s okay, and Matteo gives a small grateful smile in his direction. There’s something nice about having David here with him when they do this. But even so, it’s not easy to look back at his friends and to see what they think.

“Butterfly, I’m delighted for you,” Hans says. “And such a handsome guy too. You’re a lucky one.”

David laughs. “I think I’m the lucky one, actually.”

Startled, Matteo looks at him in question, and David shrugs. He leans in close and whispers for Matteo to hear only. “I get the best looking guy as my soulmate. And my boyfriend.” He raises his eyebrows.

As if he can sense what’s going on behind those eyes, Matteo can feel some sort of hesitation there. He gets it too. Are they boyfriends? Do they say that even with the platonic bond? He looks into those eyes, the liquid brown of them, and knows he could drown in them forever if David would just let him. So he nods, presses closer into David’s side as he takes this one final leap. They could let people assume it’s a romantic bond, but it’s better like this. Rip the bandaid off in one go, and all that. He takes a breath.

“It’s a platonic bond,” Matteo admits to the others, watches almost in amusement as their faces shift from smiles to creased eyebrows and dropped open mouths. Their eyes drift so pointedly between Matteo and David that he has to laugh. “We decided to be boyfriends anyway,” he says. “We both want that so why not?”

Hans looks like he’s going to say something to that, but Mia’s body shifts in a way that shows she must have kicked him under the table and he jerks, looks at her and snaps his mouth shut.

“I think it’s nice,” she says. “Who says a platonic bond can’t include anything else you want anyway?”

“Exactly,” David says, pressing a kiss to Matteo’s heated cheek. “Why play by the rules when you can make up your own?”

Matteo breathes out a heavy sigh of relief and lets his body slump into David’s. That was so stressful, but he can admit that it’s nice to have it all out there now. David’s arm comes around him more firmly and pulls him in tight. Matteo feels the brush of lips on his forehead and his eyes slip closed, letting the feelings that flood him take over. This is  _ nice, _ and he’s ready to get used to it. For however long this lasts it’s everything he wanted to have, and he’s going to hold onto it for as long as he can.

###  **_David_**

Friday afternoon, David comes home, slamming the door in frustration. He’s had such a lovely time with Matteo lately, that he has almost forgotten how shitty the world can be sometimes. Neuhaus had spewed out his usual shit after practice, talking about David not being able to be graded as a boy. Being horribly insensitive about it, too. And it’s  _ shit _ . 

He drops his bag on the floor in the hallway, goes to his bedroom and flops down on the bed, face down. Won’t he ever be able to just be who he is? 

David knows that Neuhaus probably has at least the right partly on his side because of David’s papers, but it’s still utter shit. It’s not fair. 

It’s like everything from his old school, all over again. Fuck. 

He knows he needs to talk to Neuhaus again, to try to sort things out. Right now, though, the only thing he can think of is to try to listen to some music and try to think of something else. He puts on his music, but the restlessness won’t leave him. In the end, he finds his art and tries to paint a little. It helps. 

For a moment, he wonders if he should text Matteo, but then he realises that Matteo had talked about meeting the boys earlier, and he knows he’ll have to wait. 

Laura then asks him to help putting up a shelf in the kitchen, and although he grumbles a little, the task actually feels good, like it helps him focus somehow. And when he sees the end result, he realises that he’s actually quite pleased with himself. 

“Everything good?” Laura asks, as they are putting away their tools. 

David pauses. “Mm… better. I had an argument with Neuhaus again. Not sure I want to talk about it. But. I’ll fix it.”

“Okay.” Laura gives him a warm hug. “I’m here, you know.” 

David nods. “Yeah. I know.”

She looks at him with her annoyingly piercing big sister eyes. “And how’s everything with Matteo?”

“Good,” David mutters. He doesn’t know why he hasn’t told her yet, that he and Matteo have taken things further. That they have kissed. Part of him has wanted to keep it to himself, and part of him… He’s pretty sure Laura will call him a dumbass for playing with his heart. She’s always supportive of him taking chances, but he’s not so sure that she’ll like this thing where he’s in a romantic relationship with a platonic bond. Something that’s bound to end.

“Well, that’s good,” Laura says. To be honest, it doesn’t look like she believes him, but she can be great like that, sometimes, and let him take his time to share things. 

As he goes back to his room, he feels a little lighter, and he actually phones his godmother for a quick chat, just talking about small, simple stuff. He has postponed talking to her for a while, so it feels good to get it done. It’s weird, really, how he sometimes postpones even things that are good. He loves to chat with his godmother. He wonders if it’s because of all the new things going on in his life right now. He has hardly been able to tell himself what’s going on, and he sure doesn’t know how to tell others. Now that he and Matteo have figured out some things, it’s a little easier. 

Shortly after that, Matteo shows up, knocking at his door, with shiny eyes and pink cheeks. ”I met up with the boys,” he says, grinning. ”We played some ping pong.”

It’s strange how just the sight of him makes something loosen up inside of David. Matteo looks so good, and so happy. David can’t hide his smile. ”Physical activity, huh? I’m impressed.”

”Shut up.” Matteo grins, steps out of his shoes and hangs up his jacket. “I won two sets. Also, I invited them over for a party later tonight. I said they could come over around nine.”

”Oh, nice.” David checks the time on his phone. It’s only six, so they have some time. It’s not like parties at Matteo’s place usually take much preparation. “A party sounds good.”

They look at each other for a beat, smiling. David knows there are a lot of uncertain things about their bond, but he can’t resist; he leans in a little closer, their foreheads touching. Dear god, he wants this so much. Matteo’s very smell is flooding his senses, and he pulls Matteo in for a slow kiss and a warm hug. It’s slow and soft, and comforting, too. “Is it just the boys?” he mutters.

Matteo leaves his arms around David. His lips brush David’s again, almost teasing. “Mm, nah,” he says, low like a whisper. “I asked Hans and Mia, as well. They know about about us, you know, and… I thought it could be great to have them there, when I tell some of the others. Uhm. If you’re up for it.” Matteo’s hand rests below his ear, his thumb caressing his cheek. He kisses David once more. “I mean, Jonas knows about the bond, of course, but not the rest of the guys.”

David smiles, his heart speeding up at Matteo’s voice. “Sure. I could ask Laura to come, too.” He runs his fingers down Matteo’s spine, pulling him closer until there’s no space left between them and he can feel the beating of Matteo’s heart against his chest.

“Cool. So. Have you had a good day?” Matteo murmurs. 

“Mm… better now, anyway.” 

And that’s the whole truth. David likes this so much. He likes to have Matteo here, and to feel their connection, but more than that, he likes the light he sees in Matteo’s eyes, and he likes that Matteo seems to find ways to handle his own stuff, too. Just as David has spent the afternoon doing his own things, like painting a bit, and putting up that new shelf with Laura. The talk with his godmother. These things are just small, insignificant things, and they don’t fix anything, but it somehow makes this day somewhat better. And now Matteo is here. 

Laura once told him that romantic books and movies often forget about these things, when showing true romantic soulmates. That people don’t need the bonds to feel complete, or at least not  _ only _ the bonds. David is starting to think that he understands what she means by that.

Of course, he knows that his and Matteo’s situation probably is different from the bonds Laura had referred to since every sign points to the fact that they have this platonic bond, and not a romantic one. It  _ feels  _ like the same, though, and it feels just as important, somehow. What he has with Matteo feels special, no matter what the label on what they have is. 

“So, we’re gathering everyone, huh?” David smiles, kissing Matteo’s cheek. “Isn’t that a bit much?” 

“Nah. I think it will be fine. Especially since some of them know already. Does Laura know?”

“I haven’t had the chance to tell her everything.”

“Well, Laura will be fine,” Matteo mutters, although he seems more focused on kissing David right now than thinking about Laura. 

“Did you say my name?” 

Matteo startles and pulls back, and David turns around.

_ Of course. _

Laura is there in the doorway to the kitchen, looking at them with a mix of amusement and fondness. 

“Uh…” David can’t help it, he’s pretty sure he’s blushing all over from his toes to the tips of his ears. He can feel the sudden uncertainty in his chest waiting to take over. Perhaps it only wants to protect him but there really isn't any danger. This is Laura, after all. Still, it sits there like an angry ball propelling him towards an anxiety he just doesn't need. 

He grabs hold of Matteo’s hand, and some of the tension eases out of him.

“So…” Laura says, slowly. She’s obviously picking up David’s nerves, or else she would be teasing them a lot more. “I guess it’s appropriate for me to congratulate you?”

“It’s not…” David starts, but then he doesn’t know how to continue. He looks at Matteo, and his expression is just as bewildered as he feels. They haven’t really talked about this, about how to explain it to the others. Matteo’s eyes are so blue, though, and there's something about them that evaporates David’s insecurities. Maybe his eyes remind David about their kisses, he’s not sure. But his body has already begun to relax.

He still doesn’t know what to say, but it’s probably best to just… try.

“We still don’t think we have a romantic bond,” David says, finally. “But we’re, uhm, a thing.”

“A thing, huh?” Matteo gives him one of his crooked smiles. But then he nods. “Well, I suppose that’s fitting. We do have a thing.”

“I guess we’re boyfriends?” David asks, and sort of hates that there’s still a hint of insecurity in his voice.

“Yes,” Matteo says, smiling. His smile turns into a wide grin. “Boyfriends.”

David can feel just how much Matteo wants just that, and it washes over him in a warm rush. He slowly lets out his breath, and just as he’s doing it, realises that he has been holding it back.

Laura looks at them both. “You’re boyfriends. But you still think your bond is platonic?”

David shrugs, trying not to think of it too much. “Yeah.” 

Matteo nods, as well. 

Laura shrugs, then. “Well, as long as it makes sense for you, boys. I’m glad for you. Do you guys want some tea?”

And of course, David should have known that she would take it just like that. She’s Laura, after all. And still, the relief that fills him when they all enter the kitchen, makes him emotional and he needs to swallow down a lump in his throat. 

They have some tea with Laura, and it all feels good. For a moment, David just sits back, enjoying it. He has one hand around a warm mug and the other in Matteo’s. In the distance there is traffic, but far away enough not to bother him. He closes his eyes, just for a beat, and lets the sound of Laura and Matteo talking fill his ears instead of worries or ticking of clocks. They have this party later, but right now ten minutes is a long time and the day can stretch out like a small eternity. 

He joins the talk with Matteo and Laura, as their conversation eases into something about music and art, and then Matteo shows Laura some of his silly memes. It’s all good. There are so many things David doesn’t know, and he can’t stop bad things from happening, but right now, he can be here, with his loved ones. 

Afterwards, David and Matteo decide to go over to Matteo’s place to prepare their little party. It’s not like it needs much preparation. Matteo has beer and they only need to pick up some snacks on their way. It’s still enough to think about, so that David doesn’t have much time to stress about talking to the others about their relationship. 

He still finds time to check in with Matteo. “Are you sure you’re good about telling the others tonight?” he asks, as Matteo changes his shirt. 

“Yeah,” Matteo nods, brushing a hand through his hair. “I’m good.” He looks closer at David. “It’s true. I’m really good right now. I still stress about the exams and stuff, but… it’s mostly all good. And I really don’t mind telling the others.” 

David can sense a hint of worry behind Matteo’s words, but they still ring true.

“Good.”

“What about you?” 

David has to pause for a moment, but as he thinks about the gang joining them tonight, he realises that he feels pretty good. “Yeah, I’m good, too. I like that we get to tell them.”

Matteo looks at him, and strikes with sudden intuition. “You don’t like if others talk about us behind our backs,” he says, nodding to himself. 

David swallows, wondering how Matteo could have picked up on that. “Yeah, I kinda hate the idea of people talking about me behind my back. That’s true. But I don’t mind telling our… tribe.”

The word slips out before he thinks about it, and he blushes.

“Tribe, huh?” Matteo grins, and pulls him into a warm hug. “I like that. They’re all in our tribe.” 

A couple of hours later, they are all seated in the living room, and the chatter is lively. They all bounce remarks back and forth like a kid's rubber ball. David’s not really sure if they all really get wittier as the evening wears on or if it’s just the effect of the beer, making everything seem so much funnier.

Another thing that happens,is that Matteo and David slowly get more touchy and feely as the evening goes on. It’s not like they have decided not to show their affection publicly, but they still started out just sitting next to each other, just brushing each other with their hands. After a little while, though, Matteo is basically leaning on David and David is holding his arms around him, kissing his temple. 

It’s bound to get noticed. 

“So, when were you going to tell me, Matteo?” Jonas asks suddenly, looking slightly scandalised, as well as ecstatic. “Are you guys seeing each other?”

“It’s not like we have kept it a secret,” Matteo objects, looking embarrassed. “It’s pretty… new.” 

“You’re gay?” Abdi bursts out, and receives an elbow from Carlos. 

“I suppose, yes,” Matteo says. “I guess I haven’t had the chance to tell any of you a lot lately.”

“Butterfly, it’s all okay,” Hans smiles. “You’ve been busy, and you’ve had a lot to think about.”

Linn elbows him. “You only say that because you already knew,” she teases.

Hans just laughs, but he doesn’t deny it. 

“I’m sorry, though,” Matteo says, looking at the boys, and David doesn’t need any bond ability to pick up the guilt behind his words. “I guess you guys have seen me not be myself all the time lately. I should have told you.” 

“It’s really okay, Matteo,” Jonas says. “It’s cool.”

“Yeah, these things take some time to figure out sometimes,” Hans comments. “Also, I’m expecting that you’ll go shopping with me tomorrow and tell me all your secrets.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Matteo smiles. 

“It’s okay,” Linn adds. She is leaning on Laura and looking unusually relaxed and pleased. “We can’t all be ourselves all the time. My cousin once told me she was a strawberry field. I think she was high, though.”

Silence fills the room. David can’t hold back a startled laugh, and soon laughter spreads through the whole living room. Linn is amazing sometimes, and David could never wish for anyone better for his sister. 

After the laughter has eased down, Matteo seems to relax even more next to David. “Well, now you all know,” he says, and leans his head on David’s shoulder.

“I’m glad for you guys,” Jonas comments, leaning over and giving Matteo a quick hug. “So it’s love, huh? And soulmates, as well?”

David and Matteo exchange a glance. 

“We’re together,” David says, “but we don’t think we have a romantic bond.”

“Oh. Is that possible?” Abdi asks, looking confused.

“Yes it is, doofus,” Carlos mutters. 

“Everything’s possible,” Laura chimes in. “I’m just glad you guys are figuring things out.”

David looks at all the smiling faces surrounding them, and decides that yes, this was a good thing to do, in spite of his worries. “It was good to tell you guys,” he says.

He catches Matteo watching him, and then Matteo clears his throat. “Just… guys. Remember that it’s not like we’re announcing it to the world or anything. So. Maybe don’t tell anyone else?”

Warmth rushes through David. Matteo knew what David needed, even before David realised it. He sends Matteo a thankful smile. 

The others are quick to say that they, of course, won’t tell others before they’re ready. 

“Well, we need to celebrate, guys!” Hans exclaims, grinning, raising his glass. “Here’s to love!”

Everybody cheers.

It’s a little bit surreal, but nice. 

David turns to Matteo and raises his beer can. Matteo looks at him with his blue, open eyes, and they are like doors to David’s own soul. They hold hands and it’s maybe cheesy, but David feels like he’s made anew from the inside and out. With Matteo, he feels deep gratitude, a sense that what is given is somehow sacred. No matter how long he gets to have this, and no matter how it all ends.

“To love.”


	15. Myth 8: “True soulmates know at first glance” (part one)

###  **_David_**

David wakes up with his face buried in his pillow and with Matteo’s arm around him. He lies with closed eyes listening to Matteo’s heartbeats and calm breath, and his first thought is, wow, he ended up spending the night with Matteo again. 

And it’s not like it’s the first time he spends the night in the same room as Matteo, but it’s the first time it strikes him that what they have might lead to something  _ more  _ than cuddles. Like. Taking clothes off. Being very, very close.

He’s not sure about what he thinks about that, right now. 

The whole Neuhaus thing has rattled him too much, perhaps. And he also wonders how long this thing happening between Matteo and him can last. What if Matteo falls in love with someone else?

The thought makes David feel raw and vulnerable, and he doesn’t quite know how to handle it. But god, he loves the sensation of Matteo next to him. He wants this so much. It feels so right, somehow. It might not be right, though. Not with a platonic bond. Not with David perhaps not being what Matteo wants, either. 

Should he leave? Is this too much to handle in the long run? 

He probably should leave. Protect his own heart, or Matteo’s. He just doesn't want to. He wants to lie here, and enjoy Matteo's warm body next to his, and his arm holding him close. He wants Matteo's body next to him forever. He snuggles into Matteo. 

Their evening before had been so nice, also after their guests left. He and Matteo had cuddled and kissed, and Matteo had been so sweet, not pushing him in any way at all. 

And now... now David is tired, thin-skinned, far too emotional and slightly wishing for something that might be too tricky in the end.

He needs to think. 

David slowly eases out of bed and goes over to the window. He scratches his arm and stares outside at the bird flying freely. 

One thing is certain. He feels free with Matteo; he’s never felt trapped, no matter what Matteo has suspected. Things might get difficult from time to time, but David knows that. Suddenly, he knows one thing more. He doesn’t want to leave, and to be honest, he hasn’t really wanted to do that in a long time. No matter how hard things can get, no matter if his heart might get broken in the end, he’s here now, and he’s tired of running. 

“Up already, huh?” Matteo asks from the bed, and David can hear that Matteo is smiling at him between yawns. “Feeling fine?”

David turns his head and meets Matteo’s blue gaze. Wow, those eyes. Matteo looks so sleep drunk and cuddly, it almost hurts to watch him. David doesn’t know how to answer. 

Matteo gets up then, and walks over to him. “Everything okay?” 

God, he loves Matteo so much, it aches. 

“Sort of.” He doesn't dare to say more, afraid that his voice will break. In the end, though, he knows he needs to continue. “I didn’t tell you, but I had this argument with Neuhaus yesterday.” He keeps staring out the window while Matteo approaches him from behind. The flock of birds are still flapping around outside. Their wings beat the air as if it takes no effort at all. 

When Matteo doesn’t say anything more, David goes on. “There might be some issues with me being graded in my exams with the boys. And. I don’t know, the whole thing makes me…” … _ want to run away. _

He doesn’t finish the sentence. Partly, because he wants to protect Matteo, and partly because it’s not totally true. 

“Want to escape?” Matteo asks, putting his arms around him, and resting his chin on David’s shoulder. “Run away?”

David startles, but there’s no malice in Matteo’s words. For someone who has experienced David running away before, he seems strangely calm. 

“It’s not an accusation,” Matteo says, as if he needs to clarify it. “I sort of get that you might feel like that. But, uh. You can talk to me if you like.”

The birds outside have silenced. There are so many times when David has thought that if he could have thrown his soul to the sky and have it transform into a bird, he would have done so without a second thought. Since he was a kid, he has watched them fly over his house, over the city and out to sea. The birds have always meant a kind of carefree freedom that he has always wanted to taste even if it was just for a short time, to break from the confines of his life. Right now, he’s here, though, and he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

David rubs his wrist, as it starts to itch. He turns his head towards Matteo, and nods. Then he turns to face him fully, still holding him. “I suppose I can.” He sighs. “I don’t want to escape, really. Not from you. I’m tired of running. It’s just… I guess this whole thing makes me worry about you and me, too. I don’t want to disappoint you, or anything.”

Matteo stares at him. “You can’t ever disappoint me, David. Not as long as you are who you are.” 

His words wrap around David like a warm blanket. “But…”

“Actually,” Matteo interrupts, blushing a little. ”I’m more afraid that I’ll disappoint you.”

David frowns. “How so?”

Matteo laughs a little, and puts on a dramatic face. “Oh, in so many ways, David, you have no idea.”

David elbows him, smiling. “Come on, Florenzi. Seriously.”

Matteo sighs, slowly, resting his hands on David’s hips, leaning his forehead on his shoulder. “Well, for instance, Mom keeps sending me these texts, and I keep avoiding answering her. I still haven’t told her about us, or anything.”

“That sounds very relatable,” David comments. “And something you can fix.” 

“Sure. But there are other things, too.” Matteo pauses. “Like. Sometimes I do stupid things.”

“We all do.”

Matteo becomes silent. David can see that he wants to tell David something, but that he struggles to find the right words. Finally, he raises his head again, and looks at David. “I don’t handle stress that well. Not always, anyway. This spring has been hell in many ways, to be honest. And… during my Spanish exam I did something not so smart.”

David looked at him, waiting. Trying to expect the worst without stressing out too much. 

Matteo swallowed. “I cheated on my Spanish exam.”

_ Oh wow. _

“Why?” David asks, confused. “You’re smart enough to pass that without cheating?”

Matteo blushes. “Not really. Or, at least, I didn’t feel like I could at the time. Everything was such a mess, you know. Like a fog. It was the only solution I could think of.”

“So now you worry about it?” David asks. 

“Yeah. Especially since the sheet I used disappeared. I wonder if someone found it.”

“But you haven’t heard anything?”

“No.”

David pauses, thinking for a moment. “Do you know what you want to do?”

“I’m pretty sure we both know what I should do,” Matteo says, giving a wry smile. “I just gotta find the courage to do it. 

“Yeah.”

Matteo holds David close. “So, on a scale from one to ten, how disappointed are you?”

David smiles. “You’re asking the guy who killed his parents,” he says, raising an eyebrow. 

Matteo stares at him, blinking. Then it’s like it clicks, and he finally remembers David’s joke from ages ago. He groans. “Seriously.”

David pushes his hand through Matteo’s hair. “I am sort of serious,” he says. “I have things I haven’t told you all about, too. I guess we’ll get to know each other more and more as time goes. And everything won’t be pretty. It doesn’t matter, though, not to me.”

Matteo’s smile is like sunshine. When Matteo’s mouth meets his own, it’s like they’re both testing the waters. Matteo’s lips and tongue are so soft against his, and David sighs into his mouth. Matteo hums, and strokes his back, pulling him even closer. David shivers.

Matteo leans back and looks at him, while he lets his fingers stroke the curls at his temple. David almost feels like he is drowning in his eyes. It's almost too much. David leans back for a moment, still standing close to Matteo. He feels safe and warm, and he never wants to leave.

They stand there for a while, kissing, hugging and laughing. David feels a lot better, already, and safe. It's strange to think that they are actually soulmates. Platonic soulmates, yes, but still soulmates. 

“You know, part of me almost didn’t believe in soulmates,” David admits.

It takes a moment before Matteo reacts. “What?!” he says, smiling and making a weird face at the same time.

“I mean, I knew there were soulmates, but I couldn’t quite believe that it lived up to all that fuss people were talking about. And I sure couldn’t believe that it was for me. So that’s maybe one of the reasons why...” 

“Why you couldn’t believe we were soulmates,” Matteo interrupts, looking a little distant. “You felt like an outsider.”

David stares at him. Fuck. That was exactly what he thought. Or, maybe not word for word, but that was definitely the sentiment behind it. How did Matteo do that? How did he know?

What the fuck is happening?

Could it just be a coincidence? 

Matteo blinks once, then twice, but then he laughs, and pulls him closer.. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I just… I get what you mean.”

David nods. “Well, we are soulmates, that’s for sure.” He scratches his arm absentmindedly, thinking. 

They are silent for a little while. David has a strange, eerie feeling that he can't place. It’s like something is happening, something is growing, but he doesn’t know what it is.

It's nonsense, of course. It must be. It’s probably just because of the weird mood he had this morning. 

David turns to watch Matteo, and sees that he is somewhat lost in his thoughts, as well. When Matteo turns to him, he has a strange light in his eyes, but he says nothing. David forgets everything when Matteo kisses him slowly, holding him close. David tries not to think about life outside. He tries just to be here, and now. 

Matteo kisses him, looks at him, and plays with his hair. “I know that we should talk some more, and figure out things,” he whispers, “but sometimes I just want to escape everything. And now, I want to hide in here a little longer. Can we do that?”

David nods. Matteo’s question mirrors his own wishes so closely. He could hide with Matteo forever. Or at least for a while. “We can do that,” he says. He draws Matteo closer and kisses him, deeply and slowly, and Matteo's lips soften against his.

Matteo’s stomach rumbles, and David grins. “Do you think we can hide a little in the kitchen too, so we can calm down that  insatiable stomach of yours?”  David grins at Matteo, feeling laughter bubbling behind his grin.

Matteo stares back at him, with a little smile. He raises one eyebrow.

“What?” asks David.

“Are you teasing me, David?” 

“Yeah, so?” 

“That won’t go unpunished!” Matteo laughs as he tackles David and tickles him. 

David laughs and tickles Matteo just as hard. 

“Matteo… You’re a pain in the ass,” David sighs.

“I don’t think so,” Matteo protests. He looks at David with dark blue eyes. “You seem like you’re in a much better mood already.” 

It’s true. David doesn’t feel that raw or emotional anymore, just safe. Amused. Calm. At home. 

“I guess you’re right.”

“I am.” Matteo kisses David again, and his lips are soft and wet and make David tingle all over. David sighs, and loses himself in the feelings. Matteo kisses David's neck, and mumbles as he kisses. “And I’m happy to be at your service.”

The need to feel Matteo even closer is overwhelming, but David knows that they can wait. They hold each other and kiss and cuddle and all David’s worries and insecurities melt away with Matteo's touch. 

  
  


###  **_Matteo_**

It’s frighteningly easy, Matteo thinks, to fall into the new reality that he and David are together. They stay at each others homes more often than not, waking in the same sort of soporific haze as they had on that first morning. They study together, berating each other into putting in more effort. David, it turns out, is a ferocious study partner. One who will make it obvious what he thinks of any attempt to slack off. He’s easily distracted with kisses though, at least once he’s had ‘enough’ time in any given study session. Matteo has learned exactly how long he needs to leave it before David is willing to give in to a kissing break. 

So they fall into a rhythm and routine, laughing their way through most days, and getting a surprising amount of actual work done in between the heady delights of getting used to this. To being boyfriends. To hiding away from everyone else, living in their own little bubble for a little while. It all feels so damn right, so easy as if it’s all meant to be.

It’s hard for Matteo to cling to the memory that he has to be careful. He’s so deeply and profoundly thrown his whole being into this whatever-they-have that he’s scared it will all come crashing down around him and he’ll end up with his heart broken. It’s not like he doesn’t know what  _ that _ feels like. The old crush on Jonas sits in his heart as a reminder that he can’t just let himself get too into any of this, that there’s always the possibility that it could end up hurting him. That in many ways he  _ deserves _ for it to end up hurting him.

Worse, he’s pretty sure there’s something weird going on with his mark. It’s a lot more active since he and David have started being together so much more and so much more freely. The silver bird shows up much more often and the cracked and broken pattern hardly ever appears, flickering only occasionally when David is worried about the whole thing with that shitty PE teacher.

They’re lying together one day, fingers entwined, and Matteo lifts David’s hand to his lips because he has a sudden desire just to kiss the skin of his knuckles. As he does so, a reflection of the mark appears on David’s wrist in a mirror of his own. Matteo watches in fascination as the colours of the bird change a little as it’s projected onto David’s wrist and the bird flutters slightly out of time with Matteo’s, the angle of the light making the feathers ruffle in a slightly different way.

He brushes his fingers over the spot, drawn to it and to the beauty of the refracted blues. David shivers under his fingers and turns to look at him.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Mmmmm,” Matteo says, letting their hands drop so he can look into David’s eyes. 

“Ready for the exams next week?” David asks. It almost seems like it could be casual except that Matteo can almost hear the thoughts behind the words, so obvious is the body language David is displaying. Matteo reads the tension in David’s face and his body, how much anxiety is sitting there particularly around the PE thing. So he leans in and kisses him, a soft small one designed to pull his attention back to the present rather than dwelling in the fearful what-could-be of the future.

“I think we’re both almost ready,” Matteo says as he settles back down. “You’re going to go talk to Neuhaus, right?”

David twists uncomfortably beside him, but Matteo can feel the nod on his shoulder and he squeezes David’s shoulder in return.

“I can go with you. If you like.”

David smiles, Matteo can feel the curve of his lips against his skin and a warmth spreads through him as he realises he can make David feel better. 

“I’d like that,” David admits. “I like having you on my side.”

“I’m always on your side,” Matteo says, pressing another kiss to David’s lips. It sounds so horribly cliche, and indeed David laughs and scoffs at the idea. “I mean it,” Matteo insists. “This soulbond thing makes it all a bit more clear. I’ve always been on your side, I just didn’t always admit it.”

“So now we’re on each other’s side forever?” David asks. That sense of David’s tension and anxiety is back and Matteo squeezes him tighter. It’s getting so much easier to read David’s moods, even without looking at his mark and Matteo’s starting to think that maybe living like this forever isn’t going to feel like such a chained-in idea.

“We’re on each other’s side forever,” Matteo agrees. That’s the good bit about the bond; they may not always agree on everything but they’re certainly going to be there for each other when they each need it.

Thinking of that, Matteo remembers his own upcoming confession to the school. He blows out a silent breath, tries to push that idea away. His whole body curls in on itself, drawing tension up his spine, and there’s no use letting himself give in to the stress until it’s time to go in. 

“I’ll go with you too, if you want me to,” David says quietly. Matteo’s not sure if there was enough in that breath out for David to read this meaning or if he’s just learning to also read Matteo’s body language. But either way, Matteo finds he doesn’t mind too much. Now that the things he most wanted to hide have gone, it feels almost nice that he doesn’t have to explain himself before David can understand him.

“I’d like that too,” Matteo says. He hesitates for a few moments before he finally confesses the most important thing. “I’m so scared.”

David doesn’t answer, but he does gather Matteo in more closely to his own body. There’s a reassurance there, a soft comfort in the whirl of Matteo’s emotions. Whatever comes, however that conversation goes, David will be there alongside him. It’s enough, for now, to push the nameless fears away and allow Matteo to enjoy the moment with his boyfriend.

They’re interrupted by a quiet buzzing on Matteo’s phone. He tries to ignore it for as long as he can, pressing closer to David, diving more into the moment, but the buzzing gets more insistent and Matteo sighs, pulling back. 

David smiles, pushes at his chest to make him sit up. “We should move anyway,” he says. “We have to meet the boys soon.”

Rolling his eyes, Matteo does scoot backwards on the bed. He’d rather stay here with David, but he’s right. They agreed to go down to the ping pong table with the boys and that’s a chance they shouldn’t give up easily. They need to spend more time as a pairing around the others. It’s really the one way Matteo knows they’re going to be able to deal with the way people double take when they hear of the platonic bond and their romantic relationship.

As David pushes up from the bed and makes his way to the pile where they threw their clothes last night, Matteo glances down at his phone. There are two messages from his mother.

_ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. _

_ Good luck with your Abi, my son. _

Matteo shivers as he looks down at the phone, which suddenly feels warm and weighty in his hand. He’s going to have to tell her about it, about his bond with David. About being together with David. He’s just not sure how she might take what he has to say. 

Part of him thinks she’ll love him and accept him anyway. The other part of him, the part that is small and lost and scared after losing his father to another country, doesn’t want to tell her at all.  _ Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed. _ But that’s easier said than done when you have no idea how someone might react to the very core of who you are.

David turns to him at the door and quirks an eyebrow in question. Matteo shakes himself and slides the phone into his pocket. He gets up, pulls on a nearby sweater and jacket over the t-shirt he slept in, and smiles at David, trying to reassure him. Or maybe he’s reassuring himself.

By the time they get down to the park where the boys are, Matteo has all but forgotten the messages. They’re all around the table, an intense game obviously underway. Jonas is on one side and Abdi and Carlos on the other. Their taunts to each other drift towards Matteo as they get closer and the fond mocking in the tones makes him smile.

“Heeeey boys,” he shouts when they get close enough, and they all look up as one. The ball bounces harmlessly between Abdi and Carlos as they spin, and Jonas’s face lights up when he sees them and he holds his hand out for a fist bump as Matteo gets closer. Beside him, David stills and looks at the others.

Carlos acknowledges him with a small tilt of his chin and a, “What’s up?” but Abdi drags him into a hug, which pulls David off his feet. It takes a beat or two before his arms settle around Abdi and he laughs as he claps his back. Once he’s back on his feet, David glances back at Matteo and raises his brows. Matteo shrugs, hoping to indicate the essential sense of I told you, they’re your crew too. The roll of David’s eyes suggests he got it.

It’s nice, in the open air like this, breeze rushing past his cheeks and moving around the table. It feels like forever since Matteo has been active in this way. There’s always been that fog that overpowers him in so many ways. He laughs aloud, spreads his arms wide as he blasts a ball past David and Jonas who are opposite him at the table. He yells his approval of his own success as he moves into his new position.

David is sparkling too, his eyes ablaze with competitive determination and he crouches low, trying to block the next ball that comes his way. Matteo is overcome with a warm, happy feeling. He gets to have this. He gets to be here with his boys and his boyfriend. He gets to watch David enjoying himself, knowing without looking that his mark is bright green and the silver bird is sure and free. 

Breathless, but victorious, he leans against the table once they’re done. Jonas sits on one side of him, David on the other, his hand casual on the back of Matteo’s sweater and his body pressed in tight next to his own.

Matteo sighs out his happiness, revels for once in being so free of everything that’s been dogging him, and leans his forehead down onto David’s shoulder. He takes the opportunity to kiss the soft skin that shows where his shirt has slipped sideways where it’s caught between their two bodies.

When he sits up again he notices Carlos’s eyes on him. He nods between the two of them.

“You’ve been telling a lot of people about that?” he asks.

Matteo can feel the confused crease of his forehead as he exchanges glances with an equally bemused-looking David. “Only you guys and the others at the party thing. Why?”

Carlos looks uncomfortable. “It’s just there are some rumours coming back to Kiki.”

Matteo can feel his blood freezing and he sits straighter. “What sort of rumours?” he asks. He’s partly anxious because he’s not ready for everyone to know about all of this. But he’s also partly worried because there are definitely things that David doesn’t want spread around. As if David picks up on that thought, he sits straighter too and the hand that’s around Matteo’s squeezes tighter.

“Oooh! I heard this too,” Abdi says, clearly not picking up on the tension that’s suddenly descended. “They’re all saying Matteo is gay and has a romantic bond with a guy.” He grins at the two of them. “They don’t know what guy though, and they don’t know about the platonic bond.” He laughs. “People have no idea sometimes.”

Exchanging another gaze with David, Matteo tries to shrug it off and act as if this isn’t important. “I don’t know who would have said that,” he says. “Half of it isn’t even true.”

“I know,” Abdi laughs again. “That’s why it’s so great.”

“Kiki heard it from Leonie first, but other people are talking now too,” Carlos says and Matteo closes his eyes in horrified understanding. Sara, then. She’s gone and talked about it all to Leonie, just as he’d feared. And now it’s out.

All that remains now is figuring out how to deal with it. How to contain it. Because there’s one thing Matteo knows for sure, and it’s that he’s not ready for the whole world to know about all this. 


	16. Myth 8: “True soulmates know at first glance” (part two)

###  **_David_**

So. This is it, then.  _ Rumours _ . 

Sara, or Leonie, or both, have been talking, it seems. 

David feels dazed and almost indifferent. Well, perhaps not indifferent, but it’s like his thoughts are sluggish and slow. They had such a good time earlier, everything was bright and fun when they were goofing around and playing ping pong, and now...

Now Matteo and David are sitting on the ping pong table, staring into space, while Jonas and Abdi are getting ready to go. Carlos already met up with Kiki and left to celebrate Walpurgis with her and the girls. 

The first thing Kiki had asked about when she showed up, of course, was the rumours. “Is it true? Are you guys a couple? That’s so cute, oh my god!” 

It had made David cringe so hard, but Matteo must have managed to dig up some calm from somewhere, and had just stared at her and said, “That’s exactly why we’re together; to be cute as fuck.” David had no problem picking up the irritation behind his words, but he was pretty sure everybody else could pick it up, as well.

Kiki had been a little taken aback, but Carlos had sort of intervened then, and tried to derail her, asking about the soulbond party. It had somehow worked, too. She had talked about the soulbond party, and then the plans with the girls later, and she hadn’t mentioned more about the rumours. 

David is grateful for that. 

The air is surprisingly cold to be almost May, not so cold that they make David’s cheeks or nose sting, but enough that his skin feels a little numb. Matteo’s body is warm next to him. They’re touching from knee to shoulder, and it’s strange how it makes David incapable of saying anything. 

“So, you aren’t coming with us to Kreuzer later?” Jonas asks. 

David sends Matteo a quick look. They both shake their heads. 

“No,” Matteo says, sounding a little strained, “we’ve got… things to do…” 

Objectively speaking, that’s sort of true, since David needs to read for his Maths exam this Friday, and Matteo needs to make an appointment with the school, although that’s not really the reason they’re saying no right now. They just… need time. David can sense Matteo’s need to have David close, and to talk, and it’s so palpable that it almost feels like his own need. Maybe it is. He really needs to feel Matteo close right now, too. He puts a hand on Matteo’s leg, and finds some strength as he does it. 

Fucking rumours.

He hates this. He doesn’t mind that people know about Matteo and him, but the thought of others talking about him always makes him feel uneasy. It reminds him of what happened at his old school, and it’s infuriating how he never seems to get to relax, or just be. The worry that everybody will figure him out and start to ask awful questions, is always there, in the back of his mind. 

“So it’s only you and me, Jonas?” Abdi comments, seemingly unaware of how silent Matteo and David have become. “Shit, can’t we join Carlos and the girls by the bonfire, instead, then?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know why you’d want that. We’ll see.” Jonas steps closer to David and Matteo and gives them both a hug each. “Okay, guys,” he says, and lowers his voice. “Uhm. Are you good? I mean. Are you okay with this rumour thing?”

Matteo shrugs, looking uncertain. “It’s not exactly fun.”

David takes a deep breath, realising that he has held it for far too long. “It depends how bad it is,” he admits. He takes the chance while Abdi has his attention elsewhere and lowers his voice, as well. “It makes me worry about other things spreading. Things I don’t want to share with everyone.” 

Understanding seeps into Jonas’ eyes. “I don’t think you have to worry about that, David,” he says, squeezing his shoulder. “But I get that this is no fun. I wish you didn’t have to worry.”

“Me too,” Matteo says and puts his hand on David’s.

David nods, sighing. “Thanks. I wish so, too.”

Jonas and Abdi finally leave and Matteo and David sit there for a moment, next to each other, in silence. The air is chilly, but Matteo is warm. David takes Matteo’s hand in his. He turns it and looks at the mark on Matteo’s wrist. The green is darker, again. The bird is there, but its movements are slow and choppy. It’s very relatable, in a way. Right now, David feels very slow and choppy in his movements. He scratches his own wrist.

“In a way, I waited for this,” David admits. “Expected it.” He knew things could get fucked up. He knew.

Matteo blinks and stares at him, like he said something shocking. “Uh. Expected what?”

“That someone would say something. Rumours.”

“Yeah.” Matteo squeezes his hand harder. “Are you okay, though?”

David has to think for a moment. He still feels a little numb, but he wonders if it’s mostly because it’s chilly outside. “I think so. You?”

“I’m okay.” Matteo releases his breath. “I think I’m starting to get ready for people to know about you and me.” A blush is creeping up his cheeks. “I just want to be able to tell the ones I want to tell. When I’m ready.”

“Yeah.”

“Like… I want to tell my mom, but I don’t know. I worry about what she’ll think.”

“Do you think she won’t accept it?”

Matteo is silent for a moment. “I’m not sure. With her faith… I think she fears that I won’t go to Heaven. You know. Maybe she’ll get too stressed out.”

David squeezes his hand. “I can’t promise you that she won’t. But. I get that you want to tell people when you’re ready.”

“Yeah.When we both are.” 

“I feel the same.” David sighs. “And one thing is certain, I don’t want people to talk about me being trans. I want to tell them when I’m ready, like I did with you, and Jonas.”

“Yeah.” Matteo gives him a slow smile. “That was awesome, how you decided to tell us. You didn’t know us that well back then.”

“It just felt right.” David pauses, trying to collect his thoughts. “And I wonder if it was sort of a test, too. Or not a test, but. I wanted to know if you could deal with it.”

“So, did I pass the test?”

“Obviously.”

David wonders if it, in a weird way, was to keep Matteo at a safe distance, too. Or, that’s not the right way to put it, but… He already knew that he could start to feel things for Matteo, and if Matteo was going to reject him, he wanted it to happen sooner than later. 

Matteo didn’t, though. 

He notices that Matteo is looking at him. He looks a little stunned, but then his face eases up into a smile. “Well, I’m glad I passed your test then, and that you didn’t manage to push me away.” 

Say what? 

David doesn’t have time to respond before Matteo continues. “How do you feel about the others knowing?” he asks. “Like Abdi, or Carlos? Or some of the girls?”

“Uh. Actually, I think that could be alright. Soon, anyway.” 

“Cool.”

“Yeah.” David takes a deep breath. “And still, I really, really don’t want everybody else to know. I almost spilled it myself, you know, when I argued with Neuhaus last week. I almost forgot there were people around. ”

Matteo leans closer and nods. 

David sighs. “It’s just… how can I expect to keep this private when I can’t even control myself? I just worry, that’s all.” David is so tired of worrying.

Matteo doesn’t answer, he just keeps holding his hand in a firm grip. 

David’s ass is getting really cold. And still, he doesn’t move. He just sits there, soaking up warmth from Matteo’s body next to him. 

Something settles between them as they lean towards each other. Matteo’s head is on his chest, his hair tickling David’s nose.

David sneezes, his whole body jerking with it, and Matteo snorts and lifts his head.

“Oh,” he says. “Um.” Matteo scrambles off of David and into a more upright sitting position, running his hands through his hair, a faint tinge of pink across his cheeks. “Uhm, sorry, David,” he continues, not looking at him, running his hands up and down his thighs before standing.

“It’s fine,” David says, bewildered at Matteo’s reaction, but then he gets it. Matteo worries that they are in public. That’s what this whole debacle is about, after all. 

David doesn’t mind Matteo leaning on him, though. “I don’t mind that you lean on me in public, you know,” he says. “Or that we cuddle. Or anything.” 

“Cool.” Matteo swallows. He sits in silence for a moment, until he says, quiet enough that only David hears him, “I don’t mind it either, David.” And then he smiles. “We can save kissing for when we’re more private, though. For now.”

David looks at him, surprised. He hadn’t expected Matteo to talk about their kisses. “Yeah.” He smiles and sets his hand on Matteo’s knee, squeezing gently. The left side of Matteo’s mouth quirks up.

David is really starting to get cold. “We should go,” he murmurs. 

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Matteo leads them back home to the flatshare with a hand on the small of David’s back. He’s talking about the rumours, and it’s like he’s organising his thoughts aloud, seemingly almost unaware of his surroundings as they head towards the street. David watches him with a smile; it’s sometimes fascinating to watch the way Matteo’s mind works. David loves it. He loves the feel of Matteo’s hand against his back, too; it feels intimate.

They enter Matteo’s flatshare, and it’s warm and cozy. Apparently, Mia has left to meet the girls at the bonfire, but Hans, Linn and Laura are all there. 

They exchange hellos and talk about their plans for the evening, but David can sense that Matteo’s not really there. Hell, David’s really not there, either. So when Hans and the girls leave the living room, it almost feels like a relief. 

David turns to Matteo. Finally alone. In private. 

He carefully puts his arms around Matteo and leans closer. 

They stare at each other, finding strength with each other. Then their lips touch and David’s eyes fall closed. God, he loves Matteo’s kisses. All he can feel is Matteo. His warmth, his touch, his being. David never wants to lose this. His heart aches when Matteo’s hands cup his cheeks and pull him towards him.

When Matteo pulls away for air, David pulls him back in. He needs more. He hugs Matteo hard, arms tight around his waist. David nearly collapses against Matteo; all of his limbs go wobbly with everything. 

It’s all right, he thinks, it’s going to be alright.

They stay like that for a little while, just holding each other.

Matteo looks really cold though, and tired. David hugs him once more before he goes into the kitchen, setting the kettle on to boil and pulling out the tea. It’s strange how he feels so at home. But it’s just how it is. They both need to warm up a bit, anyway. Then probably talk some more. He gets out two mugs and the honey.

Matteo smiles when David offers him his mug of tea. Takes a sip and leans back into the sofa. “Thanks. Sorry I’m a little weird. This whole thing just makes me feel out of it. And then I think about talking to mum, and people at school, too. You know. It’s a lot.”

“Yeah.” David sinks down next to him and sips his tea, shuts his eyes and leans his head back to relax. He knows what Matteo means about feeling out of it. Right now, though, with Matteo, he feels safe, and he slowly starts to warm up. He hopes Matteo feels safe with him, as well. “Have you decided what to do about school?”

“Yeah. I actually made an appointment earlier.”

“That’s great!” David nudges his head against Matteo’s. “I meant it when I said I could come with you.”

“Even with these rumours flowing around?”

“Even with them.”

Matteo sighs. “Okay. We’ll figure it all out.”

“Yeah.”

After that, they don’t really talk much, but they stay close to each other. Again, David gets this strange feeling, that something is growing, or changing, and he can’t quite put the finger on what it is. He squirms a little, scratches his wrist and settles more into Matteo’s warmth.

It strikes David how touch and staying close has become an integral part of how they communicate with each other. And it’s not all because of the bond. It’s like they have learned to read each other in the set of shoulders and a hand laid against a forearm. Between that and the language of gesture and expression that has developed between them since becoming boyfriends, and David picking up Matteo’s needs, they can have these moments where they don’t need to talk much at all. But they touch. And stay close. 

David loves it. He knows that others sometimes find Matteo completely inscrutable, but not David. And though people believe they know David, believe he’s easily read, only Matteo is truly capable of translating him.

David really loves that.

They watch a movie together that night. Though Matteo falls asleep pretty quickly. David notices because Matteo stops complaining about the movie and gradually slumps over against David. When he sinks into David’s shoulder, David looks down at him and shifts slightly, and Matteo snuggles closer.

David smiles and doesn’t stop him. They gradually shift, until David is more or less sprawled on his back with Matteo mostly on top of him.

It’s nice. It feels safe and warm. The weight of Matteo on top of David makes him feel safe and protected, and protective. He puts his arms around Matteo loosely, threads his fingers together, and rests his head against Matteo’s.

Of course, Laura finds them there. 

It’s perhaps inevitable, in a way, that Laura would drop in by the living room and find them sprawled together on that sofa, Matteo fast asleep and David with one hand idly carding through his hair, reading a book rather awkwardly. 

He abandoned the movie, although it’s still on the telly.

Laura just stops and grins at them. 

David doesn’t bother trying to say anything. It wouldn’t come out right, anyway. So he simply smiles up at her and says, “What do you want?”

“Just checking in. Also, I’m going to get some tea for Linn.” She continues to grin at them. “I didn’t expect to find you two, cosy like this.”

David rolls his eyes. He loves her, but she can be so annoying sometimes. “Go away,” he sighs.

Matteo shifts slightly, coughs into David’s chest, and turns his head away from Laura to hide his grin. Laura still has an amused look on her face but she also has a hint of suspicion in her eyes. 

“But the tea…”

“Fine. Find some tea,” David says. “And save your teasing for later, please.”

Laura’s smile grows wider. “I will,” she says fondly. She walks lightly into the kitchen and rustles about until she comes up with the tea she was after and then heads out in the hallway again, throwing a “good night!” back at them.

Matteo lifts his head enough to roll his eyes at David before settling down and drifting off again.

David chuckles and goes back to his book.

Eventually, the movie ends, and David nudges Matteo gently. Matteo makes a grumbling noise and turns his face into David’s chest.

David lets him. He runs his hand through Matteo’s hair; it’s something he’s always wanted to do. It’s soft and fine, like silk through his fingers.

“Matteo, it’s time for bed,” he says, quietly, still carding his fingers through Matteo’s soft hair. “I can’t sleep on your sofa, it kills my back. You have to let me go… either home, or to your bed, please.”

Matteo wakes slowly, and then all at once when he realizes where he is. He starts to move, to scramble away, blushing, and David stops him.

“Hey, it’s fine. I like it. Okay?”

Matteo stares at him for a moment and then nods. He stretches. “I like that we take it a little slowly, you know,” he comments. “It’s just that I sometimes worry that I might... sometimes… make things awkward. Or impose on you.”

David raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think the fact that you’re falling asleep on me is very awkward. And you’re not imposing on me.” 

“Good.” Matteo hesitates. He takes David’s hands and looks down. For a moment, it looks like something catches his eyes, and he gets a glassy look in his eyes, but then he just shakes his head. “So it’s all good then. Kisses and cuddles and… everything.”

David grins then. “Yeah. Everything. I feel safe with you, Matteo, not that I should, because you’re such a silly doofus sometimes, but I do. So it’s great. I’d prefer maybe to take it a little easy in public, people talk enough, but when we’re here, it’s absolutely fine.”

“Cool.”

David releases him, and he stands, smiles a little at David, and kisses him. “It’s fine by me, too,” he says. And then they go to his room.

It takes a little while before David manages to sleep. He’s nervous about his exams and this whole rumours business makes him restless. Worried. Matteo makes him feel better, though. More grounded, in a way. Sometimes David can’t believe how nice it is, to have someone (Matteo) in bed next to him, how safe it makes him feel, how cherished. 

Eventually, he floats, neither asleep nor awake, just right there in the middle.

It’s not until Matteo murmurs, “Sleep now, David,” in his ear that he finally sinks into sleep.

David wakes up the next morning right there in Matteo’s bed, with Matteo spooned behind him, and he feels safe, and warm, and thankful. 

Maybe they can figure this out. Maybe everything is going to be okay.

###  **_Matteo_**

“It’s okay,” David says. 

Matteo glances sideways at him and tries to smile. The muscles on his face don’t work properly, however. His heart is racing and his fingers are squeezed tight around David’s; looking down, he can see the white strain around his knuckles and tries to loosen his grip. He closes his eyes then turns back to the school building in front of him.

Sucking in a breath, Matteo whispers, “I know.”

“Come on,” David says, taking a step forward and tugging on Matteo’s hand. “I’m here, and you can do this.”

Nodding, but with a numb sensation in his legs, Matteo lets David draw him into the building. It’s as familiar to him as his own home, more so in some ways since he’s spent more time here over the years. And yet right now it feels like an alien landscape. The hallways are echoing and empty as classes are in session and there are no exams ready to start. It adds an uncomfortably eerie sensation to an already-difficult moment.

Matteo can feel the fog closing in on him, his heart beating fast now that he’s actually here and facing up to confessing his cheating. His breath is shallow in his chest, and he knows he needs to get himself more calm if he’s going to manage to face this properly. The fog is clouding in on him too, though, and not letting him do either.

Everything is too bright and too harsh and Matteo stops still.

“I can’t do this,” he says, hoping that David will let him away with it. Hoping that he can turn around and go home and forget all about this. Curling up in his bed with David and pushing everything else away seems like an excellent plan.

“You  _ can _ do it,” David says. “It will be better once it’s done. Everything is worse in your mind.” He laughs, a little bitterly. 

Matteo is so distracted by his own internal diatribe that he barely notices the slight whisper that runs through his mind as David says that.  _ My mind’s a minefield. _ It’s a shimmer, something hinting at the edges around what David is saying, but it’s gone almost immediately. 

Matteo can’t focus on any of that now, anyway; his own mind is swirling with so many anxious thoughts. His hands are shaking, he notices as he struggles to take a breath and he grimaces. More than anything, he wishes he had some weed with him, something to take the edge off and make all this feel manageable. Instead, all he has is his own willpower and  _ that’s _ never been much use at all.

Then he feels David’s hand on his face, cupping his cheek and he opens his eyes to look at him. He has this, too, he remembers. David will be with him, and whatever happens must be better than the anxiety that’s been swirling around him for the last few weeks. And it’s almost like he can feel it, too, almost like he can sense like a physical, warm blanket how much David wants to make it easier for him.

He nods. “Okay,” he says finally. “Let’s go.”

They make their way into the admin area with its white tiled walls, and it feels like purgatory. Like Matteo’s fate is about to be declared by some otherworldly being. It’s not a pleasant thought and he shivers.

Beside him, David is doing his best to keep him entertained and his mind off the coming ordeal. His jokes are all terrible and Matteo can’t help the smile that cracks his face at some of the worst ones.

“You’re an idiot,” he says eventually, pushing David. He flops to the side laughing and that’s when the door opens and the head ducks out to call Matteo in. 

Matteo looks to David, who nods encouragingly. “I’ll be right here,” he says.

Taking a deep breath, Matteo enters the room in the wake of the woman who now has the power to determine what happens to his last year of school.

He sits, notices that his legs are shaking as he tucks his hands in under them, and grimaces again. He needs to get himself into some sort of order so he presses his feet to the ground and focuses his attention on the woman behind the desk. She holds all the power here and so he really needs to keep his attention where it matters.

“What can I do for you, Matteo?”

Her voice is bright and breezy, welcoming and warm. Matteo swallows. It’s not going to be like that once he’s admitted to what he’s done. He lets his breath out in a shuddering burst and leans forward. He can feel the awkward tension in his body as he clasps his fingers together to still their shaking.

“I … um. I had this … this paper. Notes. For one of my exams. It … I had it in the bathroom. But then I lost it.”

Her eyes have narrowed and her forehead is scrunched as she looks over the desk at him. The pen she’s been idly tapping has dropped to the paper and stilled. Matteo waits anxiously for her to respond but it takes several long seconds before she does. By that time, he thinks his entire back might have been swamped in sweat.

“I see,” she says quietly. “What exam was this?”

“Um, Spanish.”

“Mmmmm.” She looks him over closely, then pulls out one of the drawers on her desk and drags out a familiar paper. “Did it looks like this?”

Matteo can feel the heat in his cheeks as he nods. “Yes.”

“What I can tell you, Matteo, is that we found this paper during that exam and when we checked for people who had left the room your name did come up.”

Matteo’s breath huffs out in surprise. So if they knew that, why didn’t they come for him? As far as he remembers, only one other person left that exam and it was so long after Matteo did that they couldn’t possibly think it was her. 

As if she senses his confusion, the head gives him a grim smile. “We can’t prove that the paper was consulted, however. The timing of the discovery of the paper and the time you and others left the room don’t seem to match. At least not well enough to be certain.” She sits back, a frown on her face. “This would be a very serious breach, Matteo, and since we think we found the paper before anyone could have seen it and it’s not against any rules to have study notes to consult before going into an exam, and since we found it on the ground where it could have dropped from a pocket… well, we have no choice but to accept that it  _ did _ fall out of someone’s pocket. Your pocket.”

As grateful as he is, Matteo is still confused. He knows he left the exam in plenty of time to look at the paper. He can’t quite remember if he did or not, but he knows he only realised it was missing after the exam was over.

“You understand that trying to consult a paper like this is a serious problem in an exam, Matteo?” Her voice cuts into his thoughts.

Matteo shakes himself out of his swirling mess of emotions and refocuses on her face. “Uh… yeah. I know.” He can’t eliminate the guilt he feels over all this, feels it all as a hot shame in the pit of his belly. “I don’t remember if I looked at it,” he admits. He needs her to know it all, as much as he can remember anyway “I wanted to, but I don’t remember. Everything is a foggy mess in my head...”

The smile the head gives him is a little more warm, a little more sincere. “I understand, Matteo.” He almost believes that, that she does have some idea of the way the fog can crawl into his head and make his life a hell. Some of the guilt slips away at her tone. “And believe me, we thought very carefully about what we’d do about this. But since we can’t prove anything, and particularly since you’ve come to me yourself, this is going to be a warning.” She looks at him with a stern gaze and pursed lips. “And of course, it has to go on your record. As a warning.”

The relief that floods through Matteo is still tinged with a guilty sort of sense of injustice. He had meant to cheat, and while the memories of that day are shrouded behind the fog that had dogged him for so long, Matteo can’t believe he didn’t even try to look. Still. He can tell, just from the quiet and careful way she’s phrasing everything that he’s very lucky that they don’t have real proof of anything. It’s obvious that if they could prove that he had consulted the paper that he’d be in much more serious trouble.

He gets out of the office on wobbly legs and with the rest of her lecture on ethics and exams ringing in his ears. He closes the door behind him and leans against it with his head back before letting out his breath and looking up.

David is hovering close, an anxious look on his face. His expression relaxes, however, when Matteo feels the smile spreading over his own. His heart is still hammering in reaction to the sudden release of tension and the way that the fear and the worry that was sitting so heavy on his chest is now gone. David crashes into him, his arms warm and tight around Matteo’s body and his breath sending shivers over Matteo’s sweat-soaked skin.

“It was okay?” a whisper into the skin under Matteo’s ear. Again, this wish for him to be okay rushes through Matteo, and he doesn’t know what to think of it.

“Yeah, I think so.”

David nods against his neck as if he understands all the complicated nuances of that. Maybe he does. Maybe Matteo’s broadcasting everything behind his words anyway, and David's just picking it all up loud and clear. The thought isn’t as scary as it once might have been.

“Let’s go home,” Matteo says eventually. “You have study you need to do.”

David pulls back, groaning, and shoves him playfully. “Did you have to remind me?”

“Someone has to keep you in line.”

Matteo laughs, dances out of the way as David tries to shove him again. He feels light and free as they make their way out of the building and back to David’s home. There, he lets David disappear into his bedroom to find his notes, and Matteo stays out in the kitchen helping Laura cook some dinner for them all.

She looks at him sideways as he cuts onions on a board laid out neatly on one side of the counter. He can feel her eyes on him, but doesn’t want to look at her; he’s never quite managed to figure out how she feels about everything. About him.

“How’s it all going?” she asks eventually. He glances at her and relaxes as he takes in her own casual posture and the way she’s swaying to the music that’s playing quietly in the background. It’s something soft and jazzy and she hums gently as she scrapes the food she’s been chopping into a bowl.

“It’s good,” Matteo says, pushing the onions towards her. She nods in the direction of a pan she’s laid out on the stove top and he carefully tips them into it and turns it on. He knows what she’s really asking. She wants to know how they’re doing with making the platonic bond into a romantic relationship, so he acknowledges it. “We’re making it work. Having a relationship is… nice.”

Grinning, she nods. “Yeah it seems like it,” she says, winking and giving an ostentatious nod towards David’s bedroom, and Matteo blushes at the implications. 

It’s not like  _ that _ exactly, but Matteo’s not averse to it becoming something more if it feels right. If they can get this ‘exposure therapy’ version of a relationship to a point where that feels natural. But Matteo’s pretty sure they both want something more, and he’s definitely sure they both enjoy the kissing. At least Matteo’s pretty sure they both enjoy it, if David’s body language is anything to go by. Some days Matteo even wonders if he can pick up David’s thoughts because some days the  _ I want you _ seems particularly loud when he looks at David.

Laura turns to lean against the counter and examines him carefully. “You’ll be careful, won’t you?” she says eventually. “I’d hate to see either of you hurt by this thing if it really is platonic.”

“If?” Matteo asks, his focus only half on the onions he’s cooking.

“Yeah,” she says. “I’m not…” She trails off, as if she’s censoring something and shrugs as his eyes flicker towards her. “Look, none of us is an expert on this bond thing, and none of us really knows if … well, I guess what I mean is that if it is platonic…” She stops and tilts her head, looking at him consideringly before adding, “and if you think it is platonic I guess we have to take your word for it; bondmates tend to know after all,” she twitches her shoulders and her mouth twists in a way that suggests she’s still trying to parse their whole relationship, before she adds, “if it is platonic then I think you need to be careful with what you’re doing.”

Matteo nods. He knows all this, knows David is strong enough to deal with the collapse of whatever it is that comes from this thing they’re trying out, and Matteo knows  _ he’s _ unlikely to manage if they do fall apart. His own heart is the one most likely to be shattered if they break up.

“David’s sometimes not as strong as he can seem,” Laura says seriously, startling Matteo. Considering his own thought process, her comment is almost eerily in tune with him, a response to his own unspoken thoughts. She gives him a small, careful smile. “He comes across as really confident and all, but under it all he doesn’t do well letting people in. Just, be careful, please.”

Matteo blinks at her, the spoon he’s using to push the onions around stilling in the pan and she laughs, pushing him aside.

“We’re still bonded,” Matteo says as he moves to accommodate her. “Whatever else comes of any of this, that’s still true. And I still care about him, however it all falls out.”

“Okay,” she says. “I trust you guys to know what you’re doing. I just worry; that’s what big siblings are for.”

“I thought they were for being annoying,” Matteo says with a small laugh. “That’s what Amira always says anyway.”

The look she gives him is cheeky. “Well, that too,” she agrees.

The rest of the evening passes pleasantly enough. David emerges from his room looking frazzled and with his hair sticking every which way. It’s unfairly attractive, and Matteo finds it hard not to drag his hands through it, but he’s vividly aware of Laura’s insinuations about what they get up to together, and until they talk about it in more detail, Matteo’s not quite willing to give into all those impulses. At least, not where Laura can see and be amused by them.

The two of them spend their day off on May 1st just taking it easy and trying to study, leaving the Labour Day demonstrations to Jonas and the others. With everything on their minds, that seems best. That’s Matteo’s excuse anyway; David has an exam looming and needs the time to study. That means Matteo gets to stay inside and away from difficult situations. Away from places where rumours about them might swirl and he might have to see what people might be thinking when they see them together.

Friday comes soon enough, though. They have to leave their small bubble and go out into the world to places where they could be seen and judged. It’s harder than he thought it would be. He twitches at every shadow, hoping they’re being careful enough. Not that he’s ashamed of them at all, but until he’s told people himself he’s wary of the rumours that have started to come back to them. His hand feels like it’s been forced and he has to tell or risk it coming out in a way he doesn’t want to imagine. 

They make it to the school okay, but the morning drags a lot. Matteo sits outside David’s exam and regrets the impulse that made him decide to come too rather than just turn up to meet David at the end. People cast curious glances his way, and he’s on edge wondering what they think and why. To cover and trying to look natural, Matteo sits, leaning up against a wall in the sunshine, his head back and casually scrolling through his phone. He thinks he might try to find some more good memes for his collection. But he’s bored and on edge, and it’s only with a listless energy that he searches. 

Nothing appeals and he’s about to shut the phone down in frustration when he hears a light ping as a text comes in. He glances at it before closing the phone. Mama. He sighs. The message this time is another screenshot of one of Sara’s posts, this one a sad diatribe about how you can’t trust any boys. That they’re all just assholes or gay. Or both.

Matteo’s heart stills in his chest as he looks at it. She never uses his name, but it’s so clear exactly what she means, enough that he’s somewhat surprised that no-one has mentioned it to him before now. The date she posted it coincides with the conversation they had outside his place, but it seems like his mother has only just come across it.  _ What happened, Matteo? You were soulmates? _

He shuts it quickly, not willing to say anything to her right now. He knows that’s the coward’s way out and that he’s going to have to remind her that while she and Sara both wanted them to be soulmates, they never were. It’s always been frustrating that neither would consider anything else, but that’s not what worries him today.

Today it’s the fear that these rumours that he’s gay are spreading, and while he’s not exactly hiding it, he’d still rather choose when to talk to his mother and tell her all about David. But it seems like time is overtaking him and if he doesn’t do something soon, he’s going to lose that opportunity altogether.

As the exam finishes and David comes towards him with his glorious sunny smile, Matteo tries to push it aside as easily as he’d slipped the phone into his pocket. Maybe if he doesn’t think about it, he can still work out how to do this in his own way and in his own time. For now, he wants to spend time with his soulmate and not worry about any of the rest of it.


	17. Myth 9: "All true soulmates love each other in the same way"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, chapter 17 is here! A little later in the day, sure, but it's here! 
> 
> Again, we don't mention it in every chapter, although we should shout it from the roof tops: We'd like to thank the people who have stepped in to read and give beta help, including [i-am-a-fairytale](https://i-am-a-fairytale.tumblr.com/) and [saveitforthesongs](saveitforthesongs.tumblr.com). Also, thanks to all of you who still read this story, and who give us kudos and comments, you are amazing. We are so grateful for the support you've all given. <3
> 
> In this chapter you get to meet someone new. It's probably a little late in the story to introduce a new character, but who cares, we're glad to do it, anyway. <3 I think we can say that David gets to do something he needs to do in this chapter. How do the boys handle the rumours about being a couple, though? Do they find a way to handle them, or do they run away? 
> 
> TW: In this chapter, David talks to Neuhaus about his situation, wanting to be graded as a boy at his exam, and Neuhaus' attitudes might be triggering for some readers.

###  ** _Matteo _ **

They’re at a party, friends around them, and drink making everything seem less stressful. Not that Matteo’s feeling as much stress anymore anyway. Now that he’s confessed to the missing cheat sheet, and that worry has dropped away, Matteo almost feels at ease. Laughter bubbles out of him regularly and his friends have even stopped asking him why he’s so cheerful. 

He glances over to where David is laughing with Carlos and Abdi in a corner. As if he senses Matteo’s gaze, he looks up right into Matteo’s eyes and smiles. It’s one of those smiles that makes everything inside Matteo swirl into one big knotted up mess. His mark burns briefly and he looks down at it. Today it’s a gentle whirl of the silver, moving almost as if like a tide washing ashore, or maybe more like a river’s water, trickling over rocks.

Either way, it speaks of a peace that David must be feeling and Matteo smiles over at him again. It’s nice like this, to be able to be in the same place but not necessarily hanging off each other’s arms all the time. The mark helps with that; as soon as Matteo senses that David is uncomfortable he can go to him. In the meantime, he stays here by Hanna and Amira.

“Do you know what you’ll do after school is done?” Hanna is asking Amira, and Matteo can’t help leaning in to hear more. He’s still so unsure of what he wants that it’s always nice to hear what other people are thinking, as if they can rub some of their certainty off onto him. Amira is one of the people who seems most certain about what she wants to do; it’s nice.

“I want to go away for a year,” Amira says. “Maybe a university in some other country. Or maybe I’ll just work.”

“Just leave?” Hanna asks, and the incredulity in her voice sparks something in Matteo; he gets that too. The idea of just leaving, taking a year out, is so alien. The idea that you have to do something after school is done is so ingrained that Matteo can’t quite believe someone like Amira doesn’t have a carefully designed future.

“You don’t have a plan all mapped out?” he asks carefully.

Amira shrugs. “Not yet. I’ll study something, but maybe I’ll have fun first. Or maybe I’ll combine my fun and my study.”

“Huh.”

“What about you?” she asks. “Any big plans?”

Matteo laughs, unwilling to let her know just how lost he still feels. “Pass Bio first,” he says. “Then we might see where it takes us.”

Amira shudders. “Bio. Monday, yeah.” She looks at her drink and shakes her head. “Guess I’d better finish this and head home. Gotta do some study tomorrow.”

“You’re fine,” Matteo protests, and Hanna nods.

“You know all this stuff,” she says. “You’re so well prepared.”

Amira shakes her head. “I have a really good understanding of the soulmate stuff,” she says, rolling her eyes and indicating at Matteo with her head. “But that’s all this one would study and so I need to brush up more on everything else.”

Matteo winces, but acknowledges her point. He has been quite focused on this one aspect because of his own situation and he has definitely let it take over their study sessions a little too much. Amira drains the last of her drink and raises it in benediction before turning and heading out of the flat. Hanna leans back against the wall and looks at Matteo.

“Jonas told me you bonded with David,” she says. “How’s that going?”

Matteo shrugs. “It’s good,” he says. As if he’s heard them talking about him, David is looking over at them with a quizzical look on his face. Matteo smiles and pokes his tongue out at him, to which David rolls his eyes and turns back to Carlos.

“Just good?” Hanna prompts, and Matteo sighs. He should have expected this; she likes to make sure he’s doing okay and never takes whatever bullshit platitude he tries at first. As nice as she is about it, Hanna doesn’t let him belittle himself.

“I don’t know,” he admits finally. “I mean, the bond itself is great but I need to talk to my mother. She sent me a message about Sara.” He takes a sip of his beer to try to cover for his discomfort. “I’m not sure how to approach her about all this.”

“She loves you,” Hanna says with conviction, her eyes firm on his and her voice low enough that no-one else can hear. “She’ll be fine.”

Matteo shrugs. He knows she’s probably right. Both of her other pieces of advice, to talk to David properly and to confess his cheating to the school, made things less painful in the long run even if both terrified him before he did them. Maybe she’s right about this too.

“I don’t even know what to say,” he says quietly. “How do I tell her I have a bond but even though it’s platonic we decided to be together anyway.” He swallows against a sudden lump in his throat and looks at her pleadingly, as if she can somehow take all the fear away from him. “How do I tell her I’m gay?”

“Maybe just tell her,” she says. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

He snorts a laugh at that. “How long do you have?”

She doesn’t answer because Jonas arrives and drags them both by an arm out into the middle of the room to dance. Matteo usually hates this, but David is there and all at once he just wants to be near him, to feel his heartbeat against his own and to lean his head on his shoulder. So he lets himself be pulled out into the group of people in the middle without much protest and then plasters himself to David once they’re together.

David laughs and pulls him in close, lets his own chin tuck into the crook of Matteo’s neck and together they sway. It’s nice, and Matteo feels the fear draining away. He’s decided. After the exam on Monday he will call his mother and let her know everything that’s going on. 

Matteo’s attempts at studying the next day aren’t entirely productive. David sits in one corner of his bedroom, and just that mere fact is enough to make Matteo less focused. It’s okay, though. Amira may have complained, but he’s fairly sure he knows enough to pass this exam and that’s all he really wants to do. So he’s almost relaxed when they meet up outside the room the next morning.

David squeezes his hand carefully enough that only Amira sees, and Matteo nods at him. His mouth is squeezed into a tight line and his eyes are shadowed, but that’s all the indication he’s giving that he has his own demons to face this morning. 

“It’ll be fine,” Matteo says, conscious that he’s effectively echoing the words David had said to him when he went to his own meeting, but knows it’s what David needs to hear anyway.

David takes a deep breath and nods his head once in acknowledgement. “I’ll see you after, right?”

Matteo suddenly feels dizzy, and it’s almost as if he senses David’s need to see him afterwards. It’s such a weird feeling. What’s going on? 

Matteo blinks, and snaps out of it. He will have to figure it out later.

David still gazes at him.

Matteo tries to seem unaffected. “What? What is it?”

“Nothing,” David shrugs, “you just looked lost for a sec there.”

Matteo shrugs. “I'm fine.”

David nods. “Okay. Later then.” 

“Yeah,” Matteo agrees. “I’ll be there.”

He survives the exam, and even thinks he manages to answer most of the questions. He sends a silent blessing to Amira as he presses his pen to the last question and they are dismissed from the room. It’s his last exam, and Matteo had expected to feel some sort of relief.

Instead, his focus is all on David. Ahead of his own exam this Friday he has decided to approach Neuhaus again to request he be graded properly as a boy. Matteo knows that meeting is scheduled for the time just at the end of the Bio exam, which means David will be in there right now.

He’s itching to go in and be there for David, but he’d been insistent. He wanted to do it on his own to prove that he was more than capable of looking after himself. Remembering Laura’s comments about David and letting people in, Matteo had let it be. But he still wants to be there when David comes out.

So, he just salutes Amira when she starts to make her way over to him after their exam and she waves a hand in resigned understanding as he turns on his heels and starts making his way as fast as he can to the room where he knows David is meeting Neuhaus.

He half jogs half walks around the final corner when he hears voices, raised and tense, and he skids to a halt when he catches sight of David, his face red and his body leaning in towards the teacher. Matteo’s breath catches in his throat as he watches.

“...not what’s on your ID,” Neuhaus is saying, his voice loud and exasperated. It’s clear he’s said this before.

David sucks in a breath and Matteo can tell he’s about to unleash something else again before he sees Matteo and his shoulders drop a little. His mouth twists, and Matteo can almost feel the tension from where he’s standing. It’s like a wave of irritation mixed with some sort of fear. It takes Matteo’s breath away.

“You could just grade me as a boy,” David says, his voice close to level, but Matteo can hear the tension hiding behind the words. His hands are in fists in his pockets and Matteo can see the effort it’s taking for him not to pull them out, not to make a scene.

He walks closer, trying to be as casual as he can when he gets nearer. David’s speaking, tense and fast, desperate to get his point across. “Look, if I do well as a boy it’s the same anyway, right?”

“But it’s better for you this way,” Neuhaus is saying, and Matteo is close enough to put his hand on David’s arm, trying to calm him and maybe prevent him from saying or doing anything rash as he can see the frustration building. Out of the corner of his eyes, Matteo sees David close his eyes, his face shutting down.

“It’s  _ not _ better for me,” he says quietly, with emphasis. “I want to be graded as a boy. Why can’t you understand that?”

Neuhaus rolls his eyes, and opens his mouth but whatever he’s about to say is cut off when another group of students comes up to him and his thought is clearly brushed away as he realises he has to teach.

“We’ll talk about this on Friday,” Neuhaus says, and there’s an air of finality about his tone as he turns back to the other students. Under his fingers, Matteo can feel the tension in David’s arm and he squeezes as much to try to bring David’s attention to him as to give support.

David looks at him, and the desperation in his eyes makes Matteo’s heart clench. Without thinking, wanting only to give some sort of comfort to his soulmate, Matteo wraps his arms around David’s shoulders and pulls him in close. David’s head drops heavily onto his shoulder and he’s half sure he hears a sob.

So he gathers him in more closely and whispers whatever he can think of to help. It’s all mostly nonsense, just a string of reassuring and loving words, but it seems to help somewhat anyway. David’s body loses its tension slowly and eventually he steps back, looking embarrassed.

Glancing around, Matteo realises they’ve been seen by most of the students that have come in for the next class. He flushes as he realises just how intimate that display must have looked. They’re getting curious looks from the students, and some are whispering behind their hands. An occasional snippet carries to them, making Matteo even more uncomfortable.

“... thought I heard someone say…”

“... wasn’t sure it was true…”

“... but it’s two boys…”

All of them seem mostly curious rather than hostile. but Matteo can feel the panic rising in his throat. It seems things have become even worse than he’d thought if even these younger kids have heard the rumours.

“Fuck this,” David says. “I just want to get out of here.” 

It’s like his need to get away seeps out of David pores. Matteo blinks. “Okay,” he agrees, turning to walk out of the building. “Let’s go home.”

“No I mean away from  _ here. _ From Berlin. I need air, need to breathe somewhere that’s not here.”

“But where would you go?”

“Not me,” David says quietly. “Us. Don’t you want to be somewhere just us where we can just … live a bit without any of this crap?”

And now that he says it, Matteo realises he does feel that way. The stares and whispers are starting to make him anxious, and he thinks he knows what David is feeling. There are waves of stress and tension flooding from his body, so vivid they’re almost tangible and visible to Matteo.

“Yeah,” he says. “That would be cool. But… where?”

David shrugs. “My godmother,” he says. “She’d be happy to have us I think. I could be back before my exam. I just… I don’t want to be here and thinking about this stupid grading and… and everything.”

Matteo nods his agreement then. “Okay,” he says. “That sounds good.”

His exams are over, after all, and he has nothing to keep him here. He still needs to call his mother, but he can do that from anywhere. In fact, it might be easier somewhere that he doesn’t have to see her.

  
  
****

###  **_David_**

David’s godmother’s house feels like home. It's where the laughter happens and David can find a calm here he doesn’t find many other places. From the street it is bricks and mortar topped with tile, the same as any other. When Matteo and David approach his godmother’s building, David tries to look at it from Matteo’s point of view. It’s just another building, and her flat is just another flat. Nothing special. Yet he knows that when they step inside they’ll feel it's so different, a place where the lungs choose to fill a little deeper and the heart beat a little steadier. At least, that’s how he feels.

Actually, it's like some of the tension he felt earlier, already is seeping out. He pulls Matteo with him into the building, eager to get inside. 

“God, let me catch my breath,” Matteo protests as they climb the stairs. But there’s laughter in his voice, and he doesn’t object much. Instead, David senses more a feeling of  _ you take my breath away _ . And well, he can live with that.

“Yeah, yeah,” he smiles and kisses Matteo’s cheek. After the talk with Neuhaus, David had felt a weird mix of disappointment, relief, and restlessness, and then the whispering started... All eyes were on them, and it freaked him out. Matteo's suggestion had felt like a lifeline and David can’t remember ever packing so quickly before. Now he’s so happy to finally be here. To get away for a little bit. With Matteo.

“I’m glad we’re here,” he says. This is going to be good. 

“Me too,” Matteo smiles. “A break is just what we need. And we’re not alone wanting one, you know. You heard what Amira said about leaving for a year.”

“Mm yeah.” David leans his head on his shoulder for just a moment. “This is about more, though.”

Matteo nods. “I know.”

David rings the doorbell, still holding Matteo’s hand when Godma opens the door, and David finally exhales. 

“Hi!” he says, beaming, and reaches out for her. His godma meets him halfway and grabs him in a tight hug. 

“Welcome, David,” she says brightly, when she releases him from the hug, though she keeps both hands on his shoulders. She looks good. Happy. “Look at you.” 

Then she gives Matteo a hug, as well. “Welcome, young man. Matteo, was it?”

“Yes, I’m Matteo,” Matteo says. “Matteo Florenzi. Good to meet you.” 

She nods, smiling, and says her name. “But call me Godma,” she insists. “That’s what David and Laura do.” 

David has told Godma all about Matteo, and about their relationship. She took it as she takes everything else; calmly. Godma lacks the intensity of David’s parents. She loves David and Laura and their family but has enough distance not to seethe with anxiety every time David has something to tell her or… well, every time he screws up somehow.

She always smiles first, then she listens, asks a few pertinent questions and gathers all the information she needs. Then gently her words guide him to his own conclusion, a decision he can feel like he owns, or at least has a part in crafting. He always feels more centred and at ease with himself after an afternoon in her company.

She’s David’s blessing, his home.

“Oh, stop hanging around out there, boys,” she smiles now. “Come inside.”

David grabs his backpack, takes Matteo’s hand and follows her inside. He watches her back, and tries to watch her with Matteo’s eyes. She’s tall and curved, walking briskly, and smiling warmly. Her face is made up with discrete makeup except for her lips that are cherry red, and against her brown skin it looks just right. When she stretches out her arms, David sees the soil beneath her fingernails. She must have been fussing over her plants on the balcony. She’s a gardener at heart, even if she can’t do it for real in this building. 

She’s not exactly old; David struggles to remember her exact age. Her hair is dark, and only has grey strands by her temple. She’s not the kind of godmother that you pity with their old bones and feeble limbs, but the kind who loves to hike, and goes to hot yoga wearing lycra. She’s jovial but strong willed, she’s a member of a local theatrical group, makes her own granola, secretly finds Mums and toddlers annoying, enjoys sweets a bit too much, loves her flowers on her balcony and dreams of having a garden.

If David grows up to be half the person his Godmother is, he'll be a titan. In each smile she’s a queen, in her thoughts wisdom flows, that warm heart of hers is the source of so much David cherishes. 

Some people search all their days to find someone so wonderful, yet David got to grow up knowing her. Learning from a master of the soul. For a long time, he was certain that she was his soulmate, too.

They all walk into the flat together.

“Welcome to my small abode,” begins Godma.

“It’s amazing,” says Matteo, smiling. David sees what he means. The flat is perhaps small, but it’s welcoming from the open door to the hallway. Again, David tries to see it all with Matteo’s eyes. Upon the walls are the photographs of children, so obviously loved. The floor is an old-fashioned parquet with a blend of deep homely browns and the walls are the greens of summer gardens. The furniture all looks old but comfortable. There are a lot of books. Flowers everywhere. 

The whole flat soothes right to the soul.

“It’s very homely,” Matteo says. There’s something very wistful in his voice, and David doesn’t have to use the bond to pick up that he thinks about his mum.

David squeezes Matteo’s hand. It’s probably a very good idea if Matteo calls his mum soon. 

“You’ll be in Anne’s room,” says Godma. “It shouldn’t smell too dusty.”

Anne. David blinks. He had almost forgotten about Anne. When he was little, Godma lived with Anne, but then she died, and Godma continued to live on her own. His family never talked about Anne, and he can’t ever remember staying in that room before. He and Laura mostly stay in Godma’s office, where she has two sofas that turn into beds.

“That sounds good.” David nods and follows her, eager to see their new room.

Anne’s old room doesn’t smell dusty, but it does smell like it has been aired out recently and hastily. The walls are whitewashed, and the floor is worn and rug-covered. A pile of quilts sits on one end of the queen-sized, wood-framed bed, and a bookcase stands by the head of the bed, a lamp on top of it marking it as a makeshift nightstand. 

“It’s really nice,” Matteo says. Then he leans closer to David. “And there’s one bed,” he whispers. 

David raises an eyebrow. “Well, that’s not really new, is it?” he whispers back. “Uhm. Wait. Is that okay?”  _ Please say it’s okay. _

He feels a tingle in his wrist, but gets distracted by the light in Matteo’s eyes.

Matteo blushes a little. “Yeah, it’s fine by me. But uh… it’s just new when we’re not at home, I suppose.”

All of a sudden David picks up what Matteo really wonders about - that Godma actually has thought about this, and decided that they should share one bed. And oh. Oh. It sort of implies that they have a relationship, maybe even that they’re intimate. 

“I see what you mean, but. It’s not too weird, right?”

Matteo cocks his head, and smiles. “Nah, it’s not too weird.”

David squeezes Matteo’s hand, and tells himself that it doesn’t matter what Godma thinks, anyway. And they have shared beds before. It will be fine. He takes a deep breath and looks around once more. It’s a cozy space, but, except for the books on the bookshelf, there’s little to show its previous occupant’s personality. David wonders if Godma has taken things down in anticipation of their arrival.

David sets down his backpack, opens the window and takes in the view. Mostly city streets with splashes of green. Pretty much the same view as from the room he has stayed in before. 

As Matteo puts away his things, David goes over to examine the bookshelf. There are what looks like old school books, paperbacks and novels. He grabs one book that looks interesting and flips through it. The pages fall naturally to where a photograph is being used as a bookmark.

Two women, a couple of years older than David and Matteo are now, smile at him from the photo. He recognises Godma with a jolt. Her eyes are just the same. The woman next to her has golden hair and sparkly green eyes. She’s leaning against Godma in a way that looks very intimate. Their faces are bright and happy. 

David stares at them.

“I hope it’s not too small,” says Godma’s voice behind him, and David jerks and whirls around. 

“No,” he says quickly. “It’s brilliant. Really.”

“Yeah, I love it,” Matteo adds, looking at him, like his quick answer surprises him. Or maybe there’s something else. 

Godma looks curiously at the photograph in David’s hands. “What is that?” she asks.

David shows them both the picture.

“No, I mean _that_,” Godma says, and points at his wrist. 

David stares down, and notices something almost looking like a bruise on his wrist. It’s a little strange, though, because it’s oval, almost like a very huge thumbprint. It’s faded, and David can just barely notice a bluish hue.

“Uh, I don’t know,” he says, confused. “Maybe I got bruised or something.”

He looks up. His godmother is looking at him with an unreadable expression. Then she nods, slowly. “Maybe.”

Matteo… Well, Matteo looks pale. He stares at the bruise with wide eyes, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“What?” David asks. 

Matteo shrugs and shakes his head, but he doesn’t say a word. His eyes glimmer with something… something bright that David can’t pinpoint. 

He decides to ask Matteo later. 

“Okay, so what photo was that?” Godma asks, and David is quick to show both her and Matteo. 

Matteo picks up the photo, smiling. “Is that you?” He looks at Godma.

Godma smiles, her eyes softening. “Yes it is. Me and Anne.”

“You look so happy,” David comments. 

“Well, we were. We were very happy.”

They all stand there for a moment in silence, and then Godma sighs quietly, “So. Boys. Any ideas on what you’d like for dinner?”

“Anything,” David says earnestly. He takes the picture from Matteo’s hands. “Do you mind if I hold onto this? I’d like to put it up.”

Godma looks at him in mild surprise. “Of course,” she said. She hesitates. “I may have some other photos of your family lying around, if you’d like to see those as well.”

“Yeah,” David says, suddenly realising that he and Laura don’t have that many family photos. “I’d like that.” 

He sticks the photo to the wall above the bed stand after Godma leaves. 

“Do you think they were just friends, or something more?” Matteo asks, leaning into him, looking at the photo over his shoulder. 

David shrugs. “I don’t know. To be honest, nobody talked about it when I grew up.” 

“Huh.” Matteo pauses for a moment. “I suppose family secrets aren’t a new phenomenon.” 

“Yeah, I guess not.” 

Matteo pulls him close. “I’m so glad you brought me here,” he says. The tips of his ears are pink, as if he's embarrassed for admitting something big. “It’s like I get to see a side of you that’s very… you.”

Warmth rushes through David, and he can sense a wish for togetherness seeping from Matteo, a wish so strong that it takes his breath away. “You do,” David nods, and rests his hands on Matteo's waist. It suddenly strikes him that he hasn’t felt strange about bringing Matteo here, at all. It feels quite natural. 

Whatever fears he has had about showing Matteo who he is, must have faded. They’re probably not completely gone, but they are definitely not as strong as before. He pulls Matteo into a warm hug, and kisses him. Matteo's lips are soft, warm and welcoming.

David loves that Matteo is almost the same height, just a teeny bit taller, so that David can reach up and let his arms hang softly about his neck, resting on his shoulders. The warmth from Matteo's body makes David shiver. And in that closeness, they are still in their hearts while the chaos of the world is like a bird settled in her nest. 

Matteo’s gentle smile is David’s salvation. He sees the tilt of Matteo’s head as he draws in for the kiss. After that is the heady bliss, feeling Matteo’s emotions in lips so full of… something. David hardly dares to think it, but it’s definitely something similar to love. He can’t fight the feeling that there’s something unique in all the world about their kisses, and it is that they know each other and care for one another down to their souls - like they have a sacred bridge between two minds, two souls, two bodies. 

Platonic or not. 

Here in Godma’s flat, in this garden-like apartment, they are free.


	18. Myth 9: "All true soulmates love each other in the same way" (part two)

###  **_Matteo_**

They left and traveled here in such a rush that it’s a couple of hours after they arrive before Matteo manages to get a moment to call his mother. He prefers to think that he’s been busy rather than that he’s avoiding this talk, but here in the small cosy room filled with so many memories of a life not his, Matteo starts to admit that he’s scared. 

For all that Hanna’s comments buoyed him up and made him realise that things might go well, there’s still that nagging feeling. The one that tells him that his father left him and if he’s not careful to do this exactly right, his mother may leave him too. The rational part of him knows it’s not true, but there’s that small part that whispers everything that could go wrong.

Choosing to ignore it, Matteo drags his phone out of his pocket with shaking hands, and stares at it. It’s only his imagination that it’s hot in his hand as if it’s waiting to burn him when he does this. David’s next to him, body warm and long by his own, and his smile is enough to put some sort of backbone into Matteo.

He huffs a small sigh and presses the keys of her number before he can rethink it. It buzzes for several long seconds, and there’s a tiny part of him that hopes she won’t pick up and he can just leave a message and then ignore everything else. That hope only lasts a very few seconds before he hears the click as the phone picks up on the other end and she says, “Matteo? Yes?”

He swallows a sick feeling that tries to clog his throat and looks at David, feeling the anxiety coursing through him, his heart thumping an erratic beat and his stomach curled low and tight in his belly.

“Mama, I … uh. I have to tell you something.”

She sucks in a surprised breath, her confusion audible in that one soft sound. Matteo can tell he’s botching this, rushing through to the point without any of his usual care, and he can sense her puzzlement even down the phone line. He pictures the creases between her eyes as she tries to work out what’s going on.

“You can tell me anything.”

There’s love in her voice, weaving in and around her confusion, and Matteo closes his eyes trying to imagine the way she looks. It’s going to be okay, he hopes. Her eyes will be soft as she listens, her care for him all that matters.

“You asked me about Sara and being soulmates?” he tries, as a way into this most difficult of conversations. She’s always wanted something like that for him, someone like Sara. Someone soft, someone who wants him. Someone female.  _ That’s _ the problem part, and the part that makes his voice wobble as he speaks.

“Yes.”

“She’s not my soulmate, Mama. I met mine, though. Actually, I already knew him.” He takes a deep breath, tries to steady his voice and his heart rate. Tries to keep imagining her soft eyes and loving smile. “It’s a boy. David.”

“Oh,” she says quietly and Matteo can hear the soft outrush of breath on the other end of the line. “That’s nice.”

She doesn’t sound unhappy, or even all that taken aback. It’s calm, that ‘oh’ even as he knows she must be trying to process this new information.

“It’s … he’s. I mean, we’re platonic, Mama.”

“Okay,” she says. He can hear a rustle as if she’s moving and settling into a comfortable position and when he shuts his eyes again he can picture her in his head. Her legs tucked under her on her favourite couch. She always sits there when she’s going to have a long chat. Somehow it seems like she’s picked up that this isn’t just a quick call. He breathes a sigh of relief that she gets him this way. It doesn’t make this any easier, but it’s nice to know she’s at least open to a conversation about all of this.

“Mama?” he tries.

“Yes?”

“It’s not romantic, but … I fell in love with him anyway.”

He looks over at David as he says it, takes in the small smile that blooms on his face. David reaches out and takes his free hand and squeezes it softly, nodding at him with shining eyes. Matteo thinks perhaps he should have said those words in a way that was more dramatic, and yet he also thinks this is perfect. Here in this small room it seems right to say them that easily. Because whatever else happens, that part is so clear. It’s easy to love David and nothing else really matters. Not even his mother.

His mother doesn’t respond, but Matteo is feeling positive now no matter what she thinks so he sucks in a breath and says, “I’m gay.”

“I’m very happy for you,” she says. “It’s nice to find someone.”

There’s no hint that she’s disappointed it’s not Sara, so Matteo lets his breath out slowly. His hands are shaking, but a tight, dark band that had been squeezing his chest falls away.

“Mama? How did it work out the way it did with Pappa? I mean you …”

He stops because he can’t quite find the right words to explain what he wants to know, but she seems to pick it up anyway. She laughs, the sound slightly bitter.

“We have a romantic bond, but … it didn’t work.” She sighs, the sound quiet down the line. “I’m glad yours is platonic. It means you can love the right person for you without being stuck.”

Matteo swallows. He knows how much it’s chafed at her that she isn’t able to move on, that the romantic bond ties her to his father forever even when their relationship didn’t work out. It doesn’t change the fact that he wishes his own bond was romantic. He still feels insecure, and that David could leave him at any moment. That his own love won’t be enough. Still, her words reassure him and he smiles.

“Thanks, Mama. I miss you,” he whispers into the phone, and suddenly part of him longs to be back in Berlin and able to go and see her face to face. They talk for a few more minutes, Matteo’s heart lighter and the smile on his face stuck there. David remains tucked into his side, smiling occasionally as he hears Matteo’s side of the conversation.

By the time they hang up, Matteo’s feeling happier. He’s pleased to be here, of course, but almost everything that was weighing on him has dissipated now that he’s let his mother know. 

“Okay?” David asks, with a million questions behind that one word.

Matteo smiles and gives David a soft kiss on his cheek. “Yeah, I’m good.” He still feels like he’s been pushed into something he wasn’t quite ready for, wishes he could have picked his own time to talk about this with her, but in the end it worked out okay.

Now the important thing is making sure David is okay after the thing with Neuhaus and the invasive students, and that they can work through how to tell everyone what needs to be told in a way that works for them. After telling his mother, Matteo feels like they can work through anything important. They have Laura, after all, and their friends. Everyone else can be ignored if they don’t react well.

They eat dinner that evening in Godma’s warm kitchen. She’s insisted that he call her Godma, too, welcoming him in with her warmth in a way that Matteo hardly ever experiences, and he relaxes as they talk about nothing that really matters. About the summer that’s coming up, and holidays, and fun things they have experienced before.

There are some jitters remaining after the phone call, but they dissipate quickly. While the call had gone well, it came with a sudden lessening of tension that leaves Matteo exhausted and wrung out. But the banal conversation about everything and nothing settles him more than he’d expected, and soon he’s laughing, relaxed and at ease even in this unfamiliar space.

David seems happy too. As they finish their meal, Matteo realises that he’s stroking his mark with his finger. The wings are fluttering bright and the silver is swirling and shining. He notices David’s eyes on him, and smiles when their eyes meet. David smiles back. 

When Matteo turns his head, he notices Godma’s eyes on them both. 

Matteo feels heat rising in his face. David’s Godma seems so perceptive, it’s almost scary. Her kindness, though, feels real, and warm. 

“I have noticed that you don’t talk much about this soulmate thing, boys. Is it okay if I ask you why?”

David shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s new. But it’s okay if you want to ask about it.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Matteo agrees. He takes David’s hand in his, finding some safety in the touch. 

“You have a platonic bond?” Godma asks. She leans forward and rests her elbows on the table in front of her. “I think David mentioned something about different marks?”

“Yeah,” David answers, looking at Matteo. Matteo can feel his pride as they look at each other, hovering behind his words in a way that shines so much it almost takes his breath away. “Matteo has a physical mark. I pick up stuff behind the things he says.”

“Yeah, I pretty much can’t hide a thing,” Matteo says, feeling his lips quirk up into a smirk. 

“I can’t hide much, either,” David comments, “since the mark on your wrist shows what I feel all the time.”

“Not everything,” Matteo reminds him. “Not all the time. You still have an unfair advantage.”

“How intriguing,” Godma says, cutting into the wrestle David initiates at that. “You know, boys, a lot of our communication goes under the radar. It is subconscious communication concurrent with the conscious communication.”

“Yeah, like body language,” Matteo says with a nod. He knows this, it’s all part of what helped him come to terms with David’s ability to read him being so significantly more intimate than his own.

Godma leans forward, and something new glitters in her eyes. “True. But not just that. Most of the meaning of a conversation is in the 'junk talk,' it's in the throw away phrases and extra words. This is how we let people really know what's going on. And it is absolutely honest. It's in songs, stories, art…”

David sits up. “Oh yeah?” 

Godma grins. “Yeah. It’s in everything. Just like in dreams, all those metaphors carry a meaning we innately understand.”

Matteo picks at some crumbs next to his plate, thinking. He’s a bit overcome with all the impressions this day, so it takes a beat before he catches up with what she’s saying. The first thing he notices is a small frown on David’s forehead. 

“So are you saying,” David says, “that I could pick up these things also, without this bond?”

“Well, in theory,” Godma shrugs. “Just as much as everybody else. With your bond, you just do it a lot more. More enhanced, perhaps. I suppose that should bode well for your communication.” 

Matteo snorts. He doesn’t mean to be rude. But, seriously, that’s laughable. 

David meets his eyes, and can’t hide that he shares Matteo’s amusement when he smiles. “I suppose it has taken us some time to… uh… learn to communicate better,” he admits. 

Well, that’s an understatement. 

“Mm, yeah,” Matteo agrees, “maybe we’re still learning.” 

He can feel that Godma is watching them both again. She takes a sip from her glass, and studies them more closely. “I’m curious about how you chose to be romantic boyfriends, although you think the bond is platonic. That isn’t a very common arrangement.” 

“It’s not that strange,” Matteo says, surprised by his own defensiveness. “It just feels right.”

“No, you’re right, it’s not too strange.” Godma smiles. “To be honest, there aren’t a lot of things that are that strange. Love is love, as they say. It comes in all shapes and sizes.”

Matteo relaxes back in his chair, and he notices that David relaxes, as well. 

Actually, David seems to relax enough to make jokes. “Is there a reason you’re suddenly talking in sappy slogans?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh hush, I’m old enough to use all the cliches I want to use.” 

Matteo sniggers, and so does David. 

“Still,” Godma says, suddenly looking serious. “You made this choice, and I’m curious about it.”

“Well,” David says, looking quickly at Matteo. “I guess we have decided to take the risk on a romantic relationship, even if things might get tricky…”

“And we know we should be careful,” Matteo adds. “Laura pointed that out to me, too.”

“Did she now?” David stares at him. Then he shakes his head, looking a little annoyed. 

Matteo suddenly senses David’s feeling of being invaded, almost like a flutter of wings inside his chest, and he shivers.  _ Fuck.  _ What is that? He doesn’t dare to think about what it can imply.

David doesn’t notice that he freezes. “She’s such a nosy big sister,” he just mutters.

Godma grins. “Ah. Yes. And we all love her dearly.” 

Matteo eases back in his seat, telling himself he’s imagining things. 

David shifts in his seat. “Yeah, yeah.”

Godma laughs then. “Anyway. I’m glad you have found this agreement, boys. Maybe you’ll have a long time together. Life has no guarantees, but you might.” 

Her warm words light up Matteo from the inside and out. He has guessed that she has lost a lot, and she still manages to give them hope. No wonder David loves her so much. He holds David’s hand, and twines their fingers together.

“I… uhm…” David suddenly looks uncertain, and Matteo senses something… A wish to ask for guidance, perhaps. A wish to share. David had said that he wanted to take a break from everything, and not think about anything happening back home. Maybe he feels differently now. Matteo doesn’t have time to wonder much about why he’s picking this up right now, it’s more important that he supports David. He squeezes David’s hand. 

“I’m glad you could have us here, Godma” David says in the end. “Things were tricky and… well, we both needed a break.”

“Yeah, I understood that.” She looks at them both. And she doesn’t ask or prod. David starts telling her, anyway.

He tells her about Neuhaus, about Matteo, about the rumours, and about his fears of people’s reactions if he comes out as trans to everyone. Matteo tries to add supportive comments when he can. While David tells their story, Matteo notices that something like a shadow moves over the bruise on David’s wrist, and he can’t help but wondering what is going on.  _ Later,  _ he tells himself. They can figure that out later. Right now, David needs to talk about this. They both do.

David talks, and his voice falters when he tells her about the rumours about them being a couple. And he tells her that he fears that they could lead to more rumours.

Godma just sits, sits and listens to their tale. 

In the end, she doesn’t say a lot. “Times have changed so much,” she sighs. “And yet, so little. The technology is all different but your tale is the same, in a way.”

“Yeah?” David says. 

“Yeah. I know it’s not quite the same in every way, David,” she quickly adds, leaning forward and squeezing his knee. “Your story is unique. That’s not my point. It’s just that high-school has always been awesome for the “in” kids and hell for the rest.” 

David nods, his eyes are red and puffy from talking about the most difficult things. Matteo wishes he could hold him, and protect him.

David’s Godma seems to know what she’s doing, though. Matteo just met her, but he already knows she’s not the type to say ‘I told you so,’ or to try to belittle the intensity of anyone’s feelings. She seems to understand the significance of things, why hurtful comments hurt and why slights from other teens can wound so much. She is that listening ear, the one who’ll wrap David in her love just with her soft face and kind words. And Matteo, too, he thinks. If he lets her.

She raises a warm hand and strokes David's back softly like he’s a kitten.

David swallows, holding Matteo’s hand.

His Godma passes him a tissue before speaking in her slow and measured voice. “You have Matteo here, David, and that's good. You two have a great connection, and it's all most folks can hope for.” 

Her words make Matteo warm all over. She really includes him, in a way Matteo rarely has experienced before. 

David looks up and sends Matteo a smile. “I know. I’m lucky.” Warmth somehow seeps from him.

“Yeah,” Matteo agrees, struggling not to let cracks appear in his voice. “Me too.” 

Godma keeps stroking David’s back. Her eyes are filled with truth and kindness. “Teenagers can be very cruel, and society can be so hostile. People can hate you because they fear what they can’t understand, but they can also hate you for being too good looking, too smart, too popular, looking different, or just because they want to pick on someone.”

“Yeah.”

“Or sometimes, it’s about people not knowing better. Having the best intentions but hurting even more. Or it can be about our society having old fashioned rules and regulations.” 

“I guess,” David sighs. “It doesn’t make it feel better.”

“No, that’s true. It doesn’t.” Godma nods. “When Anne and I got together, it was frowned upon. I think most of our family tried to pretend it never happened, actually.”

Matteo’s heart clenches, thinking about his mum, and about how she accepted him at once. “I’m sorry,” he says.

“We managed. We were happy together. We found a safe haven with friends that understood us. That was why I felt it was important to open my home when you started to come out, David. I knew you would need it.” 

Matteo can see that David blinks to fight back tears. “Uhm. Thanks.”

Godma comes over and pulls him close. “I know it’s just words, but… I love you, David. We all love you and school doesn't last forever. In a few years most of the people you want to avoid will be out of your life and we won't. Then you can make mature friends, ones who aren't raging bags of hormones.”

“I still might meet shitty attitudes. We both might.”

“Yes. You probably will.” She sighs. “I wish I could take away that burden from you, David. From you both. But the only thing I can do is to stay here, and support you as well as I can.”

David nods. “Thank you.”

Matteo can’t talk. He just nods, squeezing her hand. 

After that, their talk drifts to other, safer subjects. Matteo has a feeling that they will talk more of these things, but for the moment, he’s happy.

Sitting here brings a sense of calmness within Matteo. Their talk is littered with smiles, the real communication, not the words. It tells him of the love that lays there, unspoken between them. He lets every moment sink in as it is not going to last forever.

It strikes Matteo that Godma is right about how people can pick up things from each other when they are talking. Like the care and gentle gaze of David’s eyes, the relaxed nature of his face. Or the love radiating from Godma. Beneath their talk is love.

Whatever they talk of doesn’t matter, only that they are talking, connected.

He can’t ignore that he really is picking up more from David now, and he knows he needs to talk to him about it. It just scares him that he doesn’t know if it means what he hopes it means. So he waits.

That night, when they go to bed, Matteo snuggles into David’s embrace, and feels happy. Safe. And well, he’s a little giddy, too. It’s not like he’s immune to the attraction, after all… His skin tingles where David touches him and his heart beats erratically. There are butterflies - no, big birds - in his chest, but it feels good. Matteo feels the heat rise to his cheeks as David looks in his direction. He grins and Matteo smiles back, knowing that if he continues to stare he’ll get lost in David’s big brown eyes.

So yeah, the attraction is there. 

All of that will have to wait, though. 

Whatever comes, will come, and right now he’s here with the guy he loves the most. That’s enough.

  
  
  


###  **_David_**

When David wakes up the next morning, he feels warm, safe and more rested than he has felt in a long while. He always sleeps well in Godma’s place, but he has a feeling that it has something to do with Matteo, as well. At some point during the night, he and Matteo have moved closer together. One of David’s feet is tucked snugly between Matteo’s calves, and Matteo has flung an arm over David’s chest and pushed his nose into the slot between David’s shoulder and the bed. David’s fingers are curled around the hem of Matteo’s t-shirt.

He wants to kiss Matteo silly. He wants to feel the tender brush of Matteo’s lips against his. He wants Matteo’s hands on him, running through his hair, and over his body. He wants to be so close to Matteo in a way he never has been before. One day, if it feels right, he wants to lose himself with Matteo.

David doesn’t really fear it, he realises with a jolt. Not anymore.

He lies still, keeps his breathing deep and even, listens to Matteo make the most ridiculous little snuffling breaths against his shoulder. Sometimes he hums a little on each exhale, and David sort of loves it. It’s cute. 

He breathes in, holds it for a few seconds, and lets it out slowly. There are a lot of things he loves about Matteo, and somehow, all of those things have added up making him just fall in love with Matteo himself. 

David’s gaze slides over to his mark on Matteo’s wrist. The colour is bright and there’s plenty of silver. No surprises there. He’s feeling good. The platonic bond thing still bugs him a little. It’s fine now, but he risks ending up being alone, and still in love with someone who doesn’t want him anymore. The thought terrifies him.

Honestly, a small part of him still wonders why he got together with Matteo and risked losing his heart in the first place. Looking back, the whole thing feels like the flimsiest excuse ever for him getting to spend time with Matteo. After all, he knew what he felt for Matteo then, too. He knew the risk. 

David looks down at Matteo sleeping against him. He wants this so much. He wants to keep this. He can admit that to himself. If he loses this, he’ll definitely miss it. He’ll miss Matteo. Just the thought of it makes something clench in his chest. Sighing a little, David carefully brushes a lock of Matteo’s hair aside and then ghosts the lightest kiss against the top of his head.

Moving slowly and carefully, David disentangles himself from Matteo and slides out of bed. Matteo mumbles something to himself, rolls into the warm spot David has just vacated and shoves his face into David’s pillow with a contented little hum. David smiles at him, his heart warm and thrumming, then tiptoes across the room to gather up his clothes for the day. He scoops yesterday’s clothes up and tosses them on top of the chair, takes some new underwear, a clean shirt and pants and a fresh jumper from his bag, then slips out of the room, closing the door gently behind him.

Matteo still isn’t up by the time David has finished showering, and Godma is nowhere to be seen, so David goes to the kitchen to start breakfast. This is his favourite time of day, early enough that the daylight still feels fresh and new. He likes the way it slants in through the windows of the kitchen and splashes across the walls, and everything is quiet and calm. It reminds him a little of early mornings here when he was just a kid, and he slipped into the kitchen to start breakfast while the rest of the family was still getting up. Although Laura has mostly been the one to keep up that tradition lately. He loves the mornings, but she loves them even more.

David steps into the kitchen just in time to see Godma taking pans out of the cupboard.

Oh. So he isn’t the only one awake after all. 

“Did you want to make breakfast?” Godma asks, smiling, knowing him far too well.

“I can help you,” David smiles, taking the pan from her. “I can fry eggs and bacon, like I used to.”

“That would be great,” she nods. 

They start to make the food together, mostly in silence. The sound of the birds outside the window brings him back to his childhood, and the sound comforts him as he moves around in the kitchen. Soon all they can hear is noise from the pots and pans.

“So, Matteo seems nice,” Godma finally says. “He likes you a lot.”

David can’t help blushing. “I should hope so,” he mutters as he turns on the stove to heat up the pan. “Since he’s my boyfriend.”

She doesn’t react to his retort. “And you like him. You seem happy. But there’s also something bothering you? More than the things you talked about yesterday?” 

David frowns as he finds the bacon and starts to fry it. “I am happy. It’s just… I guess this platonic bond makes me worry that our relationship might end. That we’ll fall out of love. And that we will never know when that could happen.”

Godma places some tomatoes and cucumber slices on a plate. “Yes, bonding can be brutal in many ways. If you bond with someone, and figure out that you can’t live with your soulmate, you can’t find the same type of love again. Sometimes bonds are defective, too.”

“Yeah.”

She gives him a long look. “However, it’s more about choice than you think.”

“What do you mean?” 

“There are many myths about soulmates, David, and one of the biggest ones, is the one saying that the type of bond determines everything. It’s not like that.”

David stops in his movements. “No?”

“No.” Godma leaves the food for a moment and turns to him. “For instance, I’m what you kids probably call ace. I’m not interested in sexual relations. I had a soulmate, though.” Her smile is wistful.

David’s heart beats faster. Part of him can’t believe that Godma is telling him this, that he’s allowed to know this. He feels almost like in awe. “Anne?” he asks.

“Yeah, Anne. And it was a romantic bond.” 

“How?”

David feels it’s a stupid question, but it slipped out before he thought about it. 

Godma smiles, like she sees the regret in his eyes. “I did want romance. I do want romance. Not all aces want that, but I did. And Anne wanted the same. She wasn’t asexual, but we figured it out, anyway. My point is, that the type of bond doesn’t determine everything happening between soulmates.” 

David’s mind is spinning. In a way, the things she tells him aren’t revolutionary. They’re more or less logical, and still, it feels like something big. He notices that some of the bacon is starting to get well done, so he turns to the stove and starts stirring it around. 

Godma’s voice is distant when she speaks again and she stares into space. “We have two types of bonds in our world, and we call them platonic, or friendly, and romantic.” She turns to David and meets his gaze. “Maybe there are more aspects to them than we are aware of. Like emotional, sexual, caring or intellectual connections. Maybe these things don’t matter in the big picture, but I think that’s why bonded relationships can come in all shapes and sizes.”

David feels dizzy. “That’s a good point.”

“Well, that’s why I think you and Matteo can figure out what you want.” 

David keeps stirring the bacon. “I think we have done that, sort of. But. What if Matteo falls in love with someone else? What if I fuck up? Or run away?”

“You’ll never have guarantees,” Godma smiles. She turns to the food on the counter, as well. “Nobody has guarantees. There are romantic soulmates who break up, too, you know.“

David nods. He is just finishing frying the egg and bacon when the floors creak, and David glances back over his shoulder. Matteo comes shuffling in, dressed but with his hair still sleep-rumpled. “That’s true,” Matteo comments. “Mum and dad are romantic soulmates. They don’t live together anymore.”

“Right.” David wonders how much Matteo has heard. Then he wonders if it matters. He looks closer at Matteo, and his throat dries up. He swallows. “That’s my jumper,” he says.

“I’m aware, thanks,” Matteo mumbles, scratching his neck. Giving David a wry smile. His hair is ruffled, and he looks soft in the jumper, and totally edible.

“Coffee?” Godma asks, but fills up a mug without waiting for an answer. 

David keeps waiting for an answer, though. Matteo is wearing his jumper, and it does something to him. David’s having too many thoughts and feelings in his head, and he doesn’t know quite how to handle it. 

Matteo catches his eye. “What?” He blushes. “Uhm. Sorry. Yes, please, I’d love some coffee, thanks.” He accepts the mug with an appreciative humming sound.

Godma smiles. 

David still stares at Matteo, and when Matteo doesn’t seem inclined to elaborate about his jumper, he prods, “You’re wearing it.”

Matteo shrugs. “Smells like you,” he says.

“Smells like me.”

“Mm,” Matteo nods. “I like it.”

_ You like it. _ David stops himself before he repeats it and starts to sound like a parrot.

“Sounds like very healthy bonding behaviour to me,” Godma says, grinning. She puts plates and glasses on the table and nods to them that they can sit down. “I should… I need to fetch something,” she says, smiles, and leaves the kitchen.

David blushes. It’s pretty obvious that she’s leaving to give them room to talk. It’s pretty obvious that he’s behaving strangely, as well. He doesn’t know why he reacts like this. It’s just a jumper. Nothing special. Somehow, though, it feels so intimate that it makes his heart speed up. He wants to know what it  _ means _ . 

He has this strange feeling that Matteo knows why he’s reacting, but he doesn’t comment on it. “The coffee tastes great,” Matteo mumbles. He sits down at the table. “You should have some.”

“Matteo,” David says, because they are going to talk about this. He sits down, right in front of him. “What do you mean, you like how it smells?” His heart is pounding. Is it some sort of sign? He knows Matteo wants him, romantically, but does it mean something more? 

And why does he care so much?

Matteo leans over the table and hesitates, staring at his cup. “Well. You’re my boyfriend. Boyfriends share things. And. You weren’t there when I woke up. But your jumper smelled good. So.” He brushes his nose with his arm, just a typical quirk of his, but David doesn’t miss how he breathes in as he does this, and his eyes linger on David. He reaches forward and takes David’s hand. 

“Smelled good, huh.” David stares at him for a long moment, during which Matteo steadily turns pinker until he is blushing from the tips of his ears all the way down to his throat. And yeah, David can’t ignore the sensation of Matteo’s slight embarrassment and his wish to touch and be close, but he also picks up how much Matteo  _ cares _ . Warmth seeps from him and swirls around David, almost like it’s physical.

“Okay,” David says, shivering. “That’s cool.” And it really is. He doesn’t know why this jumper made everything seem so much clearer. But he realises that part of him has been a little closed off. He hasn’t dared to believe that he could keep this relationship with Matteo. And somehow, the talk to Godma, and the sight of Matteo wearing his jumper, made something crack in him, in a way. “I’m sorry I’m weird,” he says. “I think I’d like it if you meant it like you really like me,” he says softly. “Like you want to be my romantic soulmate.”

Matteo stares at him like he’s stupid. “You know I want that.”

“Yeah, but for real. Forever?” David doesn’t know what he’s trying to say. He sighs. “I know I’m weird right now. I guess… It’s not about the jumper. I’ve been so scared to lose you that I’ve sort of been careful with my feelings.” He frowns. “I’ve loved being your boyfriend but I’ve also just waited for the shoe to drop and for you to leave me.” 

Matteo’s head snaps up to look at him, his eyes widening. “But you…” He frowns. “That’s… I thought you liked to be... uh, independent. Mostly.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t. Not really.” Gathering his nerve, David slides his body closer to Matteo, moving his chair to remove the distance between them. “I don’t want to hold back, or be careful, anymore.” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to run away. And I know we have no guarantees, but. I want forever, or as long as I can get.”

Matteo turns a little pink. “I want that, too.” 

As he leans forward, David’s heart beats hard in his chest, and it takes him a bit by surprise. They have been hugging and kissing often lately, and this reaction feels like a little much. But when Matteo plants a kiss on David’s cheek, breath catches in David’s throat, he feels warmth spread through his limbs and his mind feels a pleasant buzz. Every good thing seems possible, likely even. Their fingers lock together similar to puzzle pieces, and looking into Matteo’s blue eyes, David can see that Matteo is caught by the moment, as well.

“So. We’ll both stop running away.”

“Yeah.”

“There’s–,” Matteo starts, looking down at their hands, but then he’s interrupted. 

“Well, you’d better get going then,” a dry voice says from the doorway. Godma stands there looking at them. “It seems like you are avoiding some other problems right now, too, right?”

Matteo and David look at her, then at each other. 

David realises that she has a point. They have sort of been running from everything, coming here. This has been a pleasant break from all their worries, and probably a break they needed, but now it’s about time they face everything.

“Right,” he mutters, staring at his empty plate. “We probably should go back home.”

“Yeah, probably,” Matteo nods. 

“After breakfast, of course,” Godma laughs. “Now, dig in, boys, I think I’ve had enough emotional talk for one morning. Can you pass me the eggs?”

A couple of hours later, they are packed and ready to go back home. Godma is fussing with them a little, packing some home made bread in David’s bag. 

She’s about to give them a hug, when she remembers the photos she wanted to give David. “Give me just a moment!” she says, “I’ll go find them.” 

David and Matteo wait in the hallway, just standing there and leaning against each other.

“I need to tell you something,” Matteo says, suddenly. 

“Okay?” David looks closer at Matteo and sees that he looks nervous. Almost pale. 

“Uh,” he starts, “I think you must have noticed, but perhaps you’ve been too busy lately. But uh. Can you look at your wrist?” 

David’s heart speeds up. He hesitates for a beat, but then he turns his wrist up and looks down. 

Matteo lifts his own hand, aligning it with David’s. And now David can see it, clear as the day. The mark he thought was a bruise isn’t a bruise at all. 

It’s another mark! 

On his wrist, David can clearly see a soulmark reflecting the swirlings and movements from Matteo’s mark. David stares in fascination how his mark is a bit weaker and more diffuse, and still, very similar. The colour is different, though, shining in purples and blues with silver swirls. The bird on Matteo’s wrist is fluttering, while David’s mark is calm. But it’s like the opposite of that, isn’t it? The marks show that Matteo is calm, while David is… well, definitely freaking out a bit. How can this be?

“Fuck,” he says, staring. “How. What? What does it mean?” 

Based on the speed of his heart, he’s already pretty aware of what it means. 

Matteo seems to think the same, because he doesn’t say anything. Instead he keeps his gaze on David. 

“So. Does this mean that you’re picking up the things behind my words, now?” David asks. It’s a joke, but as he says it out loud, he realises how well it fits their conversations lately. Matteo has been unusually intuitive. “Of course,” David answers himself. 

Matteo sighs, nodding. “Yeah.” He grimaces. “I probably should have told you earlier, but I wasn’t sure about what was going on.” 

“Two soulmarks?” David whispers. He stares at his wrist and brushes a finger over the faint mark there. It’s not as clear as the mark on Matteo’s wrist, but David can clearly see the peaceful hues and the shimmering silver. How could he have missed it before?

Suddenly he notices that Godma has entered the hallway again. When he turns towards her, he sees that she’s not surprised at all. She smiles. “I had my suspicions,” she says. “But I didn’t want to give you any ideas, in case I was wrong. I still believe you could make things work with a platonic bond. However, it seems like you have both that and a romantic one.”

_ Both platonic and romantic? _

“How is that even…” David doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. His brain tingles like a hand that's been sat on for too long, and adrenaline is coursing through his veins. Hope, too. 

His mind is like a small bird, fluttering but always coming back to the mark on his wrist, and the bond. A romantic bond? Everything he wants, with Matteo? He feels like every fiber of his being is vibrating with it. His hands tremble at his sides.

“Are you sure?” Matteo asks. His eyes are shining and he stares at Godma as if she has all the answers. An awed smile is playing at the corner of his lips.

David reaches for Matteo’s hand again and grabs it. Holding it, he feels the hope growing even stronger. Could this be true?

Godma smiles. “Yes, I’m pretty sure, boys. It’s not common, but it happens. You seem to have a double set of marks. Twin marks for twin bonds.”


	19. Truth: How to be with your soulmate is always a choice (part one)

###  ** _David _ **

_ Twin marks.  _

Connected not just once, but twice. 

David and Matteo are standing in Godma’s hallway, staring at her standing in the doorway, and their plans to go home are postponed for a while. David is holding Matteo’s hand, clinging to it like an anchor. 

“Are you sure?” Matteo asks Godma for the second time. “I’m really stuck twice as hard to this fucker?” He looks at David, bumps his shoulder and grins, but even if he’s joking, David can sense the hope behind his words. It’s bright and alive, shining behind every word so strongly it takes David’s breath.

“I’m pretty sure,” Godma smiles. She still holds the photo album she was just looking for before they ended up here in the hallway. “Although I would perhaps not describe it like that.” 

Wow. So. This is it. David turns his hand and stares at the mark on his wrist. He can see the blue and purple hues clearly now, and strands of silver. Whoa. They both have physical marks, and they both sense the meaning behind each other’s words. The implications are dizzying. Terrifying, too, in a way. Adrenaline still rushes through David and he almost expects to feel a new wish to run and disappear but realises that he doesn’t wish that, at all. Instead, he’s calm, the wash of hope and happiness from Matteo steadying him.

“As I said,” Godma continues, entering the hallway, “you probably have both a platonic and a romantic bond. I’ve heard of twin bonds like these before, but they are rare.”

David nods, slowly. So, they really have a romantic bond, after all? Can it be true? Does it even matter? One thing is certain, he and Matteo are bound together.

“There’s really no escape, huh?” he says, bumping his elbow into Matteo. The awed laughter in Matteo’s eyes tells him that Matteo picks up just how little he means it. 

Godma just shakes her head. “I would have thought you guys would have stronger reactions,” she says, musing. 

David shrugs. He still feels tingly all over, but he is safe next to Matteo and some of the excitement is starting to ease out of him. “Of course, it’s huge,” he admits. “But you just told us that we could make it just fine as a couple with a platonic bond. This double bond thing is really cool and all, of course, but. I think we would have stayed together, no matter what.”

“Yeah,” Matteo agrees. “We already wanted to, and that’s half the fight. This just makes it a lot easier.” He lets a finger touch David’s mark, and a shiver goes through David. “And it’s pretty awesome,” Matteo adds, smiling. He wraps his arms around David and David’s heart thumps so hard that he swears it’s audible, their eyes meet and Matteo smiles. It’s only a small smile, but it’s enough to make David go weak at the knees. He could kiss Matteo, right here and now. He knows he should save it for later, though, what with Godma standing right there watching it all. 

The three of them stand there in the hallway until Godma chuckles. “What a start to the day, boys. Let’s have some tea and chat a little, before you go.”

David has no protests. Right now he’s a little numb from the surprise, but he knows that the questions will come. Sitting down with Godma for a little while sounds like a smart idea.

They go to the kitchen, and the first question pops into David as they sit down with their tea mugs. “I wonder why we didn’t see both the physical marks at once,” he says. “Or why Matteo’s mental bond popped up now, and not before.”

Godma shrugs. “I’m not sure. There are a lot of things we don’t know about marks and bonds. Maybe one of the bonds needed more time to form? Maybe you needed time to accept it? Or maybe it’s just a random thing? I really don’t know.” 

“Do you think the physical marks are connected to each other, and the mental to each other?” Matteo asks.

Godma thinks for a moment. “That would often be the case, but I actually think you are different, boys. I’m only guessing, but it seems to me like the first bond you developed was the platonic one. And yes, I know the marks are different, but even if the marks don’t appear in a similar way, they work similarly. They help you communicate your feelings.” 

“But uh… what about the new marks?”

“I think they represent your romantic bond that grew out from your platonic bond. I might be wrong, though, and maybe you will get a clearer sense of it as time goes.”

“But wouldn’t we have sensed it? That we were growing this romantic bond?” David asks. 

Godma pauses. “I don’t know. Maybe you did? You might have ignored the signs. Have your feelings or sensations changed a little lately? Do you feel physical sensations with your marks? Or other things? Are your feelings romantic or friendly? ” 

David doesn’t know where to start. He looks at Matteo, and Matteo looks just as uncertain. 

“I think some things have changed,” Matteo starts, speaking slowly as if he’s struggling to get his thoughts in order, and David nods to confirm that he has done the same. “Is the sensations when we touch the physical marks connected to whether bonds are romantic or not?” 

“It can be, I just know that bond feelings come gradually, sometimes.” Godma pauses. “I know it took Anne and me a couple of weeks to figure out things. 

David realises that he has a lot more questions than the thought. So many, in fact, that it takes them a couple of cups of tea to get through them all. And after that, a late lunch. Then they talk a little more. And, as a result, it takes Matteo and David a bit longer than planned to get home. 

They decide to take a train back to Berlin. It takes less than an hour from Fürstenberg, and it’s easy. David loves to take the train, to be honest; then he can just sit back and let his brain roam free while the landscape passes him. He snuggles in next to Matteo and rests his eyes on the view.

It’s only early in the evening, but it’s already getting darker when they arrive in Berlin. Matteo has fallen asleep against David’s shoulder, and David nudges him awake. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” he says softly. “We’re at the station soon. Time to go home.” 

Matteo’s eyes blink open, looking straight at him. 

“Your place or mine?” A blush creeps up Matteo’s cheeks.

“We can go to my place. Laura is staying over with Linn, so we have it all to ourselves.” Damn. This blushing business seems to be contagious. David’s cheeks burn. 

“Cool.” Matteo smiles. 

As the train slides through Berlin they lock eyes and David’s heart beats erratically in his chest. Looking into Matteo’s eyes feels like looking into the sun - it almost burns, but the burning sensation is sweet. All of a sudden, David can’t think about anything else than the fact that he’s about to have Matteo all to himself. There are fluttering birds in his chest, but it feels good. Definitely good. All his thoughts stop as if his heart takes over from his head when they are close like this.

“This twin bond thing is wild, right?” David stares at Matteo, strangely nervous and exhilarated from the sudden tension between them.

“Yeah.” Matteo moves closer to David in the seat, turns his head and leans in, so his foreheads rests against David’s. They close their eyes. “I’m glad it’s with you, though.”

“Me too.”

Matteo holds him close. "I like you, David" he says in barely more than a whisper. “Have I told you how much I like you?”

David knows he’s being an idiot, but he can’t help it. He grins. "No, uh uh," he shakes his head.

“Yes, I have,” Matteo laughs.

“Nope.”

Matteo’s hand has ended up in David’s hair, and he makes David almost want to purr when he plays with it and scrapes his fingers against the back of his head. “Well, I do.”

David wraps his arms around Matteo. And Matteo’s face is just there. His eyes. And lips. "I like you too, Matteo," he replies, his voice suddenly low and husky, “and I want to kiss you.” He blurts it out, without thinking, and then he blinks, suddenly realising that they’re still on the train, surrounded by people. They haven’t really talked about being affectionate in public like this. Kissing in public would probably be a bit too much for Matteo. Hell, it’s probably a bit much for David, too. “We can save that for later,” he adds, quickly.

Matteo stares at him. “I think it’s okay that we kiss,” he says, slowly, like he just realises that it’s true. Behind his words David can sense some hesitance, but want, too. A lot of want. “It’s not like we know anyone here, anyway. What about you?”

David swallows, and looks quickly at the people surrounding them. Most of them look bored, busy with their own lives. “I think it’s okay, too. It’s a bit scary, but I want to.” 

He can sense it then, it’s almost like Matteo says  _ kiss me _ , although it’s not like he hears the words, he just senses the wish. It’s irresistible.

He gently leans in and kisses Matteo's warm lips. Matteo’s mouth is so warm, the caress of his lips softer than David could have imagined. and he can’t help wanting more.

They pull apart. Both their breaths are shaking. They sit there, side by side staring at each other, deep into each other's eyes. They don’t say anything, but they really don’t have to. 

_ More.  _

The unspoken want is between them and to be honest, David can’t tell if it’s coming from Matteo, from him or from both. 

Matteo gives him an almost wicked smile, grabs his shirt and leans in, pulling David into a deeper kiss. It’s like everything else disappears. David doesn’t care about the people around them, and it sure as hell doesn’t seem like Matteo cares, either. 

_ Fuck.  _ David’s whole body buzzes by the contact. Knowing that Matteo is the one kissing him like this, here, makes a wave of heat flush through him. 

“Fuck.” Matteo whispers, letting out a shivering sigh. He pulls back and his heated gaze flickers to David. “Fuck, that’s….” 

“Hot,” David suggests.

“Yeah.” Matteo rests his forehead against David’s, chuckling a little. 

That’s when their train arrives, and they need to detach from each other, pick up their things and go. They give each other sheepish smiles and get to it.

_ Twin marks. _ The thought still spins in David’s head, even as he and Matteo rush into his and Laura’s flat. They stumble as they enter the hallway, but David can’t quite bring himself to stop kissing Matteo. It’s like the news of the double marks has given them both a new urgency to get closer. Or maybe it feels like it’s finally allowed. Whatever was holding them back has disappeared into that new knowledge and they’re finally free to be as they want to be.

They find their balance, and Matteo places his warm hands on David’s hips and brings them close together. David is dazed, but he has known since they were on the train, where this evening is headed. By the time he tilts his head back to kiss Matteo again, he’s even more certain. And it’s okay. Matteo covers David’s mouth with his in another hungry kiss, and as their lips crush together, David feels like he’s flying. 

Matteo thumbs David’s wrist, right over his mark, and David shivers. David can feel every breath coming from Matteo, with how close they are pressed together, and fuck, it feels so good. He keeps kissing Matteo, as he fumbles to find the light switch on the wall. 

Matteo lets David’s lips go for a moment, and David feels hot breath on his neck, then the tender brush of Matteo’s lips. Burning as they make contact with his neck. Matteo presses him into the wall and David knocks his elbow with a thump. 

“Fuck. I’m glad my sister’s not here.”

Matteo gives him a cheeky smile. “Your sister,” he just teases, looking happy with mussed hair and red cheeks. David can’t help smiling, and he can’t help kissing him, again. A hand runs through his hair, as their kisses become harder and more urgent. David opens his mouth, wanting to kiss Matteo deeper.

“Weren’t we coming back to Berlin to face things?” Matteo asks breathlessly, grinning. His blue eyes are dark and hungry and David loves that look. Actually, Matteo looks so good that something aches in David’s chest.

“We can face things in the morning,” David says softly. He pulls Matteo with him to his bedroom. Turns on the light there, as well. 

They face each other and Matteo smiles. His smile is shaky, but he doesn’t say anything. He just looks at David. 

“Is everything okay?” David asks.

Matteo releases his breath, and gives that serious look that still has his trademark warm eyes, "So long as you're here, everything’s okay." 

And that's just what David needs to hear. They start to carefully undress, so they can finally be skin to skin. David struggles with his zipper, shivering with anticipation mixed with dread. He focuses on helping Matteo with his hoodie instead.

“I’m nervous, though,” Matteo breathes. 

David can sense Matteo’s jumble of wants and fears, although it’s hard to separate from his own feelings. He swallows, struggling to quite find his voice. He has never taken a risk like this before. Never shown himself so vulnerable. “I’m nervous, too,” he finally admits. 

He probably doesn’t need to say it. Matteo can pick it up anyway. Matteo faces David and his lips make the light in the rest of the room get a little bit darker. The world stops spinning as he leans in with promise in his parted lips. There’s promise in the shaky breaths between them, too. David’s stomach swoops as Matteo’s eyes connect with his again and then. Lips. Warm lips. Soft lips brushing against his. Matteo pulls him into a slow, soft kiss that gradually turns deeper and hungrier, making warmth rush through David. He buries his fingers in Matteo’s hair and lets go.

Matteo runs his hands up David’s bare arms. Lets his hands cover his skin with soft lips following. David’s cheeks flush warm and his stomach sinks heavily. 

David wants this so much. He wants to discover even more about who Matteo is. He wants to know his heart and soul. He wants to show Matteo his own heart and soul, in return. Together they can be two souls joined yet forever unique.

They stumble into bed, and David is nervous, but so is Matteo, and Matteo is also unbelievably sweet and attentive, and he sometimes squeezes David as if he needs to check that David is really here with him. Really here and  _ real _ .

And David  _ is _ , body and soul. They are here. Together. 

To be in Matteo’s arms is love, safety, and pleasure, too. Smiles and laughter, even. They’re both vulnerable, but they’re together, and David has never felt anything like this before, not like this. With Matteo David feels loved, cherished for who he is, unconditionally. It’s breathtaking. 

And afterwards. Afterwards, they lie bare in the half lit room, Matteo's arm draped over David’s waist. They whisper secrets to each other, and dreams. And in a way everything is different, at the same time as it’s all the same. 

Next morning, they don’t wake up before they hear Laura in the kitchen. 

“Laura?” David grumbles. “I thought she was with Linn?”

Matteo mumbles something inaudible and tries to bury deeper into the duvet, but David won’t let him. “Don’t even try,” he says, dragging the duvet off them both. “We gotta get up. I wanna know why she’s here.” He tickles Matteo, making Matteo laugh and tickle him back. 

He protests, but gives in easily when David pulls him out of the bed. And damn, he looks adorable with ruffled hair and sleepy eyes. David tells himself to ignore that and focus on why his sister is home. 

They get their answer when they enter the kitchen. Laura is there, roaming the cupboards for pans and plates. “I’m just home to pick up some things before work.”

“It’s Saturday,” Matteo comments, looking bewildered. 

“Yeah, well I work on Saturdays.” Laura smiles, and picks out eggs from the fridge. “Anyway, I saw your things in the hallway and I thought I could make you guys some breakfast.”

David stares at her. She looks a little out of it, in a way. Almost nervous. But in a good mood, too. 

“Have you talked to Godma?” he asks. 

Laura blushes. “Uhm. That could be.” She looks at them both. “I wondered when you were coming back home.”

David frowns. “So… what, are you just here to check us out? Because of curiosity?”

“No!” Laura is fully blushing now. “I suppose I just… I guess I wanted to make sure you guys are okay, that’s all. But it seems like you are.” 

She winks ostentatiously, and David groans. Big sisters can be so annoying sometimes. Still, breakfast doesn’t sound too bad. “Fine.” He gives her a hug. “And we’re good. And yes, we have this twin bond going on. And we’re back to face the music.”

Matteo nods and leans to him for a moment, giving him a peck on his cheek. “We’re done running.”

  
  


###  ** _Matteo _ **

If he was asked before yesterday how he would feel if he was caught by his boyfriend’s sister after they’d spent the night together physically, and that she’d be making it obvious that she  _ knows _ that, Matteo would have blushed a bright hot red and said that he’d be swimming with major embarrassment. But today’s not like that at all. 

Laura’s eyes are curious, wide and excited, but there’s a warmth and happiness to her posture that makes Matteo realise everything’s okay. She knows, and she’s happy for them. It makes it more real somehow. This acknowledgement from someone else that there are two bonds and that he and David are together now, for always. That there’s nothing wrong with them being together however they please. Because they have those connections.

They all settle in together around the small table to eat, and it’s the same as it’s always been. Only, Laura’s eyes flicker to them more often and her smile is wider, and approving. She’s happy, Matteo realises. Genuinely happy. Matteo can tell she loves that they’re together in this way, bonded twice over. He thinks back to the day when she told him to be careful of David’s feelings. The contrast today is huge. He wants to say something but doesn’t know how. Still, he rather suspects that Laura knows it all anyway if the smile she directs at him, warm and loving, is anything to go by.

As they eat, David’s fingers brush Matteo’s more often than usual, his gaze slips towards Matteo’s face and Matteo always finds himself reciprocating, staring back as if he can’t get enough of looking at David. That’s probably not far from the truth. It’s as if they’ve been holding back something. The platonic bond had sat between them in a way neither of them had ever really acknowledged fully. But now that Matteo knows they have two bonds he feels more free to be himself. He has a platonic bond with his best friend, and he has a romantic bond with the person he loves most in the world. He lets his body relax into that idea, and his leg brushes against David’s as they sit together, his fingers tangle with David’s almost without thinking.

David absentmindedly trails his finger over the palm of Matteo’s hand, his mind obviously elsewhere as it moves along his pulse until he reaches the mark. Matteo shivers, feeling that shared joy again, and the connection; it’s even stronger than before. He looks down, curiously doing the same with David’s hand and wrist, trailing over his wrist and touching his mark with his fingers. He can hear David suddenly pulling in his breath. And wow, the warmth rushing through Matteo startles him. 

Had David felt like that when he touched Matteo’s mark before?  _ Fuck _ . 

David stares at Matteo, and then at his own wrist. The blues and purples are almost vibrating, and the silver swirls shine brightly. Matteo can’t hide that he’s doing quite well right now. Then again, neither can David. The mark on Matteo’s wrist is bright and shining, too. And that’s maybe not strange since they just have been closer than ever before.

They look at each other and smile, no words needed.

“So,” Laura says eventually, pushing her plate to one side, and picking up her coffee as she watches them, “you’re back, then?”

David clears his throat and looks nervous as he answers. “Yeah. We are.” Matteo squeezes his fingers in support. 

“The school called,” Laura says, looking at David carefully over her cup. “They want to talk about your PE exam.”

David grimaces, and Matteo remembers that they never did resolve that whole business before they’d run. The newfound knowledge about their two bonds had overshadowed it all, but it seems it’s time to come back down to earth. 

“I want to be graded properly,” David mutters, a mutinous tone to his voice.

Laura sighs and reaches over to pat his hand. “They’re trying to do the right thing.”

“I know. But it’s not right for me.”

Matteo can hear the undertone, the sense of desperation running through David. It’s clear as a bell today, so it must be eating at him quite a lot. Laura nods, as if she too picks it up. Matteo glances sideways and that desperation is also obvious in David’s body, tense and anxious as he pushes the remains of his eggs around the plate.

“We’ll work it out,” Laura says quietly. “Just do your best in the exam and the rest will work out as it will.”

David nods and says, “Okay.” He’s still tense and there is still a frantic beat to the feelings Matteo is sensing, but he’s visibly relaxing, and Matteo knows that he’s at least going to do the exam.  _ Not letting anyone stop me _ is a defiant thought that whips through Matteo’s mind, and he grins. That’s his boy. He can’t control the burst of pride that hits him with that thought.

Matteo’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he drops David's hand so he can pull it out. It’s his mother. A bible verse, but this one is positive and upbeat, and she’s added  _ Can you come to church this week? We have choir and I’d love to meet David. _ Matteo smiles down at it.

He tilts it so David can see and raises an eyebrow. David's answering smile and tiny nod are enough, so Matteo sends back an affirmative and smiles over at Laura. She’s watching them with a small smile of her own on her lips and a misty look in her eyes.

She catches Matteo looking and shrugs, unapologetic. “I’m happy for you,” she says. “Finding your romantic soulmate… it’s something special.”

Her eyes take on an intensity and Matteo can tell she’s thinking of Linn. He recalls all the long days of jealousy when he would look at them, or Kiki and Carlos or any of the many other couples who have romantic bonds. Because it  _ was _ jealousy he realises now; his insistence on only wanting a platonic bond was covering for the loneliness he was feeling and the despair when he thought he’d never get what he wanted because of his feelings for boys.

He leans back, watches David and Laura banter, and realises he’s content. All the things that have been swirling around in his brain have settled a little. The fog is easing, staying mostly on the periphery of his mind, and he’s able to enjoy this moment without overthinking the future. 

By the time they walk up to the church it’s cold, their breaths misting in the air as they look up at the imposing facade. Normally, Matteo would be nervous. It's been a very long time since he’s been into a church, almost as long as it’s been since he last saw his mother in person, and it’s been a long time since he saw it as a place of peace and comfort. But he has David by his side, his presence a warm and steady beacon. David takes his hand and squeezes it, letting Matteo know without words that he’s here with him.

They make their way inside, the music of the choir drifting out even before they get to the pews where they sit to watch. The song they’re singing is beautiful, fragile like clear glass. It sits inside Matteo in a way that he hasn’t felt in a church in a very long time. He feels peaceful, with none of his usual edged anxious fears creeping up on him. Beside him, David is leaning forward, his eyes intent on Matteo’s mother once he’s pointed her out.

It takes about half an hour before the choir members are all done, voices ringing out cheerfully as they call farewells and happy promises to see each other next week. Matteo’s mother gathers her things slowly, letting the others drift off ahead of her. She wraps a long coat around her slim body and gently places each sheet of music into her folder before she comes down to where they’re sitting and slips into the pew beside Matteo.

Her eyes are bright and happy, clearer than he’s seen them in years. The antidepressants must be helping her then. The thought makes him happy, and he wonders idly if he should maybe explore something like that himself. Something to help combat the fog when it threatens to take him over. She smiles, as if she recognises the thought, and takes his hand.

Feeling a sudden wash of nostalgic love, Matteo leans over and pulls her into a hug. It’s nice, comforting and secure, something he hasn’t felt from her in too long. Her arms are steady and warm, strong and filled with her own love. He feels a little choked as he pulls back and looks at her.

“Mama,” he says quietly, leaning back so she can see past him. “This is David.”

She smiles over at him, reaching past Matteo to take his hand. “It’s lovely to meet you,” she says. Her genuine happiness is obvious in her voice and Matteo’s throat clogs with some deep emotion he’s not sure how to name. Something sad and longing, but happy too.

“It’s good to meet you, too,” David says, and Matteo gets a clear blast of his nerves, sitting behind the words. A bubbling sense of  _ have to make a good impression.  _ He lets his hand drop to David’s thigh, and squeezes.

He looks up at the walls around them, cased in stained glass that’s barely shimmering from the lights coming from outside, the colours in them subtle and muted. The church’s own lights have been dimmed as they’re the last people here apart from those who are closing it up around them, and there’s something nostalgic in the way the glass glimmers. Matteo remembers days spent here which turned into longer nights as his mother stayed late while he dozed on a pew near her.

As if she, too, remembers, his mother sighs and looks up at one picture showing some sort of redemptive scene. It’s one Matteo was always particularly fond of once he’d grown old enough to understand its meaning. He always hoped there’d be some sort of redemption for him, something to bring him away from the fears surrounding who he is. 

His mother smiles, draws her eyes away and looks back over at Matteo. “I’m glad you found a bond, Matteo. And I’m glad you get to choose to love.”

Startled, Matteo realises he hasn’t told her yet, about the two bonds. David shuffles a little, and Matteo lets his fingers find David’s, slipping easily between them to hold tight.

“Mama… we… we actually have two bonds. Platonic and romantic.”

“Oh.”

There’s a wealth of feeling in that one word and Matteo wishes he could pry her head open and figure out what it means. She doesn’t sound upset, but he remembers how pleased she was that he had a platonic bond and that he wasn’t entirely forced to stay with someone due to a romantic connection. Or at least, not prevented from being with someone else due to a bond.

“It’s good, though, Mama,” Matteo explains quickly, hoping she understands that he knows why she might have reservations. But he wants to reassure her that it doesn’t have to be the way it was for her. “I’m happy.” He looks sideways at David. “We’re happy.”

She smiles gently at him. “I know,” she says. “You seem more peaceful than you have in a long time.”

Matteo nods, feeling that same clogged up feeling in his throat as he thinks about everything he’s been keeping buried inside himself. He doesn't trust himself to say anything, though, so he’s grateful when David steps in. “There could be a lot of reasons for that,” he says. “But it feels like we have the two bonds for a reason.”

Matteo’s mother looks back up at the redemptive figure, and nods. “It’s certainly not very usual.”

“Mama, I’m not. I mean, we’re not Papa.”

She nods, her eyes still on the figure in the window. The room is so much dimmer now that the glass shines with a glow from the streetlights, casting the figure into beautiful relief against the darkening building. “Sometimes I think it’s a choice anyway,” she whispers. “We chose to stop loving because it was hard and we hurt each other too much.” She smiles over at them. “Be good to each other, use that platonic bond to enhance the romantic one. Then you’ll be fine.”

Matteo sucks in a breath, hearing all the things she’s keeping hidden behind those words, the struggle and the pain they’d put each other through. “Thanks, Mama.”

She takes his hand. “You can choose your own path.” She reaches to take David's hand too. “You have the chance to build whatever you like here. Make use of that.”

David smiles at her. “I like that,” he says. “Building whatever we want.”

Behind his words there’s a sense of comfort, a burst of real happiness that floods Matteo with its intensity. They sit like that for a few more moments before a quiet cough behind them reminds them they’re on borrowed time and that the church needs to close up.

They walk out, with the figure in the glass the last thing Matteo sees as he pushes the door shut behind them. It seems to nod at him, a guide to their future. Maybe after all, he can make something of his life. Maybe he doesn’t have to keep everything hidden anymore.


	20. Truth: How to be with your soulmate is always a choice (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. We're almost at the end, folks. Unbelievable. <3

###  ** _David _ **

It would be so easy to say that school is basically over, who cares about some shitty rumours. And still, David can’t forget it, and he can’t let it be. People talk about them, invade them. It’s not right. Wednesday morning, he wakes up in a sweat. 

He feels off. Anxious. Like his skin is too tight. He wants out. Away. 

Ugh. Apparently, it’s one of those days again, and it’s not even like anything has triggered him to feel this way. He just can’t lie here, though. He needs air.

He sneaks out of bed, leaving Matteo a note that he’ll be back. Then he goes for a quick run. 

He lets his feet pound against the ground, and lets the muscles of his body work until the tension eases and his spinning thoughts fade away. He quickens his pace until he runs a little too fast, making his heart throb almost painfully hard and his throat rasp. Then he keeps that pace, running and running until his mind is blank, his feet are heavy and his lungs burn for air. 

When he finally comes back home, he’s sweaty and wrung out and he can hardly stand on his wobbly feet. Still, everything feels a little better, he can only feel a hint of restlessness in his bones. He stumbles into the bathroom to make himself somewhat presentable. 

Matteo is waiting for him in the kitchen when he gets out of the shower. “You needed to burn off some steam, huh?” he asks, and he smiles, but David can sense the worry under his words. His worry isn’t invading, though. Matteo is just there, waiting for him to explain when he’s ready. 

David doesn’t answer at once, it’s like the words are stuck inside and can’t get out. He shrugs. Then, finally: “You know that this is it, right?” he asks, fighting to get the words out past the lump in his throat. “If you stick with me, I’ll keep running off like this. Being a mess. Acting strangely.”

Matteo hesitates before he answers. “I know.”

His answer calms David down a little. He still feels jittery and he knows he needs some food. He quickly makes a sandwich and sits down at the table, facing Matteo. As he chews, he feels like he needs to explain, and put it all out there. “I get these days when I feel alone and shitty. I will still get those.”

“I will have those days, too.” Matteo’s answer is quicker, this time. And yeah, David knows that. He knows they both have good days and bad days, and still...

“You really don’t care that I’m a mess?” David swallows. “I love… You know what I feel for you, but sometimes it makes me nervous. Sometimes I’ll still want to run away. How can you want to live with that?” 

If something lays there beneath his words, he is certain that he’s oozing it. He doesn’t care. 

Matteo stares at him as if he says something dumb. “Sometimes I’m a mess, too, you know that. I forget things, or get lost in my head, or I panic. Maybe I don’t run all the time, but I’m pretty good at avoiding stuff.” 

David sighs. “Two messes. Doesn’t sound like a good mix.”

Matteo gets steel in his eyes, then. But it’s a warm type of steel, if that’s possible. “Bullshit,” he says. His voice is calm. “I mean, you gotta decide what’s alright for you, but. I think we’re good together. We’re soulmates times two.” 

Matteo places his arm on the table, stretching towards him, palm up. David can see the mark on Matteo’s wrist, how the green pattern moves erratically in rhythm with his heart. The colours are dark but they’re almost flickering, slowly brightening up, and the silver swirls shine stronger. David stretches his arm out next to Matteo’s, palm up as well, so their marks line up. Matteo’s purple blue colours are brighter, but it’s like the two marks gradually tune in with each other, moving more and more in sync, in a way. 

“I know being with you doesn’t take all the bad stuff away,” Matteo continues, blushing a little. “It’s just. You’re worth it. I am better when I’m with you.” 

Wow. David’s eyes sting. That’s exactly how he feels, as well. No matter what happens, Matteo is worth it. David can’t say that out loud right now, not when he risks getting teary eyed. He grabs Matteo’s hand instead, and squeezes it. “Same,” he manages to add, hoping that Matteo picks up what he means.

They look at each other, and Matteo’s eyes express so much care, vulnerability and silent joy, it takes David’s breath away. David allows himself to rest in that gaze and marvel over this guy he’s allowed to be bonded with. Matteo’s thumb brushes over David’s hand and he smiles and looks down. David follows his gaze. 

Matteo stays silent for a moment, twining his fingers with David, studying them. “Maybe… Sometimes we will get off steam on our own, like you did this morning. And other times, we can run off together, like when we went to your Godma.”

“Yeah.” David relaxes as he finally gets it completely. He takes a deep breath. “And sometimes we find comfort in each other. Or we face stuff together. We can make it work.”

David gets the chance to prove these words true a couple of hours later, as he and Matteo meet up at school for their final soulbond party meeting. Kiki has been determined that they have to meet there because they are supposed to hang up David’s posters for the party. 

David can’t say he is particularly excited about meeting everybody at the school. But he clings to the thought of his conversation with Matteo earlier, and tells himself it will be fine. 

He falters as they enter the school yard. There are less people than usual, but still, all eyes are on Matteo and David as they enter. Just as expected. And still, it feels awful. David’s pulse quickens and his mouth dries, and there’s that little voice whispering to him that they all judge him and that he’s not good enough to be here. They don’t know he’s trans, but they know he’s queer, and fuck, he hates this feeling.

Matteo must sense how David freezes up, because he stops and digs into his jacket pocket. Then he fishes out a pair of sunglasses that he hands to David, and puts on his own. “Put these on.”

“Why? It’s hardly any sun,” David protests. “We’ll seem like douchebags.”

Matteo raises an eyebrow and gives David his half-smile. “I’ll rather be a douche than let people see that I’m nervous,” He looks at David and his smile grows into a grin. “How very ‘Only Lovers Left Alive’ of us.”

David snorts and puts the glasses on. Everything darkens, and calms down. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea? 

“Come on,” Matteo says, leading the way, “we’ll just go straight to the entrance and ignore everybody.”

They walk over the schoolyard and the sunglasses feel like a mask, protecting him from the curious glances from the others. And yeah, David can believe that they look a little like Adam and Eve right now, walking hand in hand with stone faces behind their sunglasses. It’s a perfect scene, he can almost imagine it in slow motion, even, and it amuses him and wakes up the director in him. 

Maybe he can do this, David thinks. Maybe everything can be alright. Fear is shitty, it only holds him back, stops him from reaching his dreams. He knows it will return, again and again, but for every victory (like this one) it will weaken. 

They enter the classroom where everybody is gathered, and David is suddenly very grateful for both Matteo’s hand in his and for the glasses hiding his eyes. Everybody turns and looks at them. 

And shit, it hits him that he and Matteo haven’t exactly talked about how they want to handle the rumours. Sure, they have agreed to be open about their bonds and about being boyfriends, but how do they do it? Do they have to do anything at all? 

They both stand there silently in the doorway. Then Jonas and the rest of the guys greet them. “There you are!” Jonas grins, hugging them and patting Matteo’s shoulder. “I thought you guys had run off or something.” 

Matteo looks awkward, but he smiles. “We’re here,” he says, and allows the other guys to hug him, as well. “We only had a... break.” 

David looks up and sees that people are still staring. Fuck. 

Matteo seems to notice the same, and he clears his throat. “Sorry guys, I know this place is pretty boring, but a gay couple can’t be that intriguing, surely? We’re not here to entertain you, for fucks sake.” 

He looks quickly at David, as if he suddenly realises that he’s outing them both for real. David smiles, to show him that it’s okay. And it is. They have talked about telling people, even if they haven’t pinned down exactly how to do it. 

“We didn’t mean to–,” a thin voice says from the group, but David can’t see who it is. 

“I don’t care what you mean to,” Matteo interrupts, looking annoyed. “And I don’t mean to be rude, but the staring is a bit much, okay? Maybe you guys should... keep doing what you’re doing!”

David has rarely seen Matteo being so direct with a group of people before. If he wasn’t nervous, he would have swooned. Who is he kidding, he  _ is  _ swooning. Hopelessly. 

Most of the people seem to have shame enough to blush and look away, but some eyes still linger on them. David realises that he has something to say, as well. He clears his throat. “Matteo’s right. Also, the theme for our soulbound party is that love and bonding come in many different ways. Is it wrong of me to expect to be treated with respect?” 

The room is silent for a beat, but then David feels a warm hand around his shoulder. Jonas is pulling him into a half hug. “You’re not wrong to expect that, at all,” he says. 

“Yeah, come on, guys,” Kiki suddenly pipes in from the front of the room. “Let’s all get to work! We have a ton of posters to hang up, David has done an amazing job with them!”

“With help from me,” Matteo mutters next to David, but David is the only one who hears him, because the others are busy picking up posters and talking about what they need to do to prepare the party. 

Matteo fakes a pout, making David chuckle. And that’s the moment when David realises that it will be okay. 

The rest of the group meeting goes relatively smoothly. Kiki runs everything with a determination that is admirable. 

“Work hard, everyone! We’ll celebrate our work with a small gathering this Friday.” She looks over at Matteo as she says this. “Your place?” she asks. 

Matteo shrugs. “Sure, as long as it’s okay with the others.” 

Kiki smiles “I know it’s okay. Last time I spoke to Linn and Hans, they wanted to join us in the planning. So I think we’re good.” 

Matteo looks at David. “That’s on the day of your exam. Are you okay with that?” 

“Sure,” David smiles. “I’m ready to either celebrate or drown my sorrows.”

David notices that Sara and Leonie are at the meeting, and Sara sends Matteo a glance or two, but she doesn’t come over. Maybe she’s gathering courage to talk to him or something. Leonie meets David’s gaze once, and smiles. If there are still hard feelings between them, she doesn’t show it. David smiles back. 

As David and Matteo works together to hang up posters in the first floor hallway, Amira approaches them. “Hi guys, do you have a spare poster?”

“Sure!” David says, surprised. “What for?” 

“I have to head home now, but I thought I could hang up one at my job. A lot of kids from school go there to get pizza. I know, because I have spent a lot of time trying to avoid them.” 

Matteo looks confused, but David grins. “Ah, that makes sense. But how does the poster fit in with keeping your different worlds apart?”

Amira shrugs. “I figured that’s not so important, after all.” She looks over at Matteo. “I deliver pizza in my free time,” she explains.

“Oh. Cool.” 

“Yeah.” Amira smiles. “What about that poster?”

“Sure,” David says, giving her one. “And, uh… I think I forgot to thank you for listening that day.”

When Matteo looks at him with a question in his eyes, he explains: “I told Amira that we were bonded, although I thought we only had a platonic bond, back then.”

“Wait, it’s not platonic?” Amira asks.

“It seems we have a twin bond,” Matteo explains. “One platonic one and one romantic.”

“Oh wow.” Amira blinks. “That’s fascinating. I didn’t know that was a thing.”

David can see that she has a lot of questions, but then she shakes her head, like she’s shaking them away. “Well, your secret’s safe with me.” 

“It’s not really a secret,” Matteo says, meeting David’s eyes and smiling. 

“Nah, we decided to be open about it,” David adds, smiling back. “It’s okay.”

He almost jumps when a group of kids approach them. 

“Hi!” The guy who’s talking is skinny and bright eyed and looks so young, David hardly believes he can be at the same school. “You’re David and Matteo, right? Sorry to disturb, but we just wanted to say hi!”

David nods, dreading what comes next. Matteo looks just as confused and worried. David takes a deep breath, and tries to be as polite as possible when he says; “How can we help you, guys?”

The guy blushes, and one of the girls next to him takes his hand. “It’s just. We heard about you guys being together, and, uhm. There aren’t that many queer couples around. And well, we don’t even have an LGBTQA+ group at this school, or we didn’t use to have one. So. When I heard about you guys, you inspired me to come out to my friends.”

His words had tumbled out of him and he clearly needed to take a breath.

“And he inspired us to come out,” one of the girls adds. “We aren’t that many, but we got the idea to make a LGBTQA+ group, anyway. And well. You should know.”

“Yeah,” the guy says. “Because you kinda started it all.” He smiles, looking happy, grateful and excited. The others look excited, too. 

David stares at the kids, and he has no idea what to say. He looks over at Matteo, who looks stunned. 

“That’s amazing,” Amira comments, buying them some time. Her eyes shine as she looks at Matteo and David, and David is pretty sure he sees a teasing glint in her eyes. “You are role models, boys.” Oh, she’s teasing them, alright.

“Thank you,” David says. “That’s cool.” 

“Yeah, that’s cool,” Matteo nods. ”A group like that is a great idea.”

David wishes he had something more profound to say, but that’s all he’s got. The friend group seems happy, anyway. Some of them even look a little starstruck, like they just talked to celebrities.

Long after the kids have left them, and Amira has headed home, David feels baffled and a little overwhelmed. “Did that really happen?” he finally asks Matteo. 

Matteo chuckles. “I can hardly believe it, but yeah.”

“Wow.” 

While they hang up the rest of the posters, David realises that this soulbond party actually can stand out and mean something. It’s about how soulbonds can be so many different things, and it’s almost like a statement. A way to fight back against prejudices. He starts to look forward to it. 

Before that, though, he has an exam to take. 

Friday morning, David wakes up feeling ready for whatever Neuhaus brings his way. He’s nervous, yeah, but it’s not like his nerves are paralyzing him in any way. He kisses Matteo good morning and eats a quick breakfast and then he’s ready. 

Matteo follows David to his exam. David tries to tell him that it’s not necessary, but Matteo won’t listen. “I have nothing else to do.”

“What about the gathering or party thing at your flat? Weren’t you supposed to help the others prepare for it?”

Matteo grins. “We have plenty of time. You can join us when you’ve finished.”

“Cool.”

This time, when they enter the school yard, David doesn’t really notice the other people there. The fact that they got to tell the soulbond party group how they felt, has helped somehow. David’s not entirely sure why it helped, but it did. 

It’s May 17th today. The international day against homophobia, transphobia and biphobia. It almost feels like a good sign. He still worries about people finding him out, but it’s okay. He knows he will tell more of his friends, when he’s ready. 

He kisses Matteo and goes to get ready for his exam. Just as he’s about to go inside, Neuhaus approaches him. He goes straight to the point. “If you still want to, I’ve decided to grade you as a boy.” 

“Uh, thank you,” David says, not sure if he can dare to believe what he’s hearing.

“And I’m really sorry that I’ve caused you worries about this,” Neuhaus adds. “I assumed you would prefer… well, it was wrong of me to assume.”

Now David is unsure if he can believe what he’s hearing. But this is actually happening. “I appreciate that,” he mumbles. 

Neuhaus seems to get why he doesn’t say more. He smiles, looking a little embarrassed. “Well. I’ll leave you to it. Good luck today, David.” 

“Thanks.” 

David stares as Neuhaus leaves. He goes to get ready, and as he does so, he feels nerves and tension and all kinds of feelings rushing through him. He notices something strange, though. He just can’t stop smiling. 

  
****

###  ** _Matteo_ **

Matteo’s fiddling with some of the decorations that Hans is enthusiastically plastering around the room. Matteo would rather have done something more chill today, just hang and smoke some weed with the boys, or play some dumb drinking games; anything really, as long as it was Matteo and the few people he really cares about. But there’s no stopping Hans when he gets enthusiastic about a party. The room is glistening in red and white tinsel, and there are also already delicious smells coming from the kitchen where he has several dishes of finger food ready for people to come and start snacking. He seems to be preparing for at least 400 people to join them, not the much smaller number Matteo knows will be there.

It’s well past the time when David should have finished his exam, and Matteo keeps checking his phone, hoping to see a notification letting him know how it went. But there’s nothing; the phone remains stubbornly darkened and silent in his hand.

“It’s fine,” Amira says, bumping his shoulder with her own. Matteo’s not entirely sure why she’s here already but he’s not going to question the help. Not when Hans has made the whole thing a lot more involved than the crew had originally planned. It’s almost impressive, considering how much effort has gone into the soulbond party and how long that’s taking to plan and prepare, that Hans has got this much together this quickly.

“I know,” he says quietly to Amira. “I just worry.”

“You’re such a sap.”

Matteo snorts, covering for the blast of insecurity that conjures. It’s true, he is sappy, but it’s not something he necessarily loves people knowing. It’s too new, this thing with David, for Matteo to be wholly comfortable with everyone knowing exactly how he feels. He’d rather it was still the small secret thing between them both, something they were working through together.

Seeming to get that, Amira gives him one of her teasing smiles. “All that role modelling of the younger kids going to your head? You trying for boyfriend of the year?”

Shaking his head with the smile he knows she was intending to draw out of him, Matteo is nevertheless drawn to the ping of his phone as a message comes in. He glances down, smiles as he sees the tiny thumbs up from David, and lets out a breath. It’s not that he was worried exactly, but he had been uncertain why it was taking so long. The thumbs up means it went well and David is confident, and the message has calmed his nerves somewhat, so he manages to grin when Amira pushes him again to get his attention. 

“Stop giggling at your phone, and come give me a hand,” she insists.

The next hour passes pleasantly enough. Hans tuts and chivvies them as he gets the room as perfect as he can. Matteo knows it’s not going to matter once the party has been underway for an hour or two, but he also knows how much Hans enjoys this sort of thing. So he does his part willingly enough, holding the seemingly never-ending strings of shiny tinsel and blowing up what feels like a million balloons.

He steps back just before people are due to arrive and even he has to admit that it looks good. Not as good as the soulbond decorations, but considering how short a notice they’ve had it’s pretty impressive. He’s just snapping a picture of the explosion of colour for instagram when he feels arms circling his waist.

“Finally got here?” he asks, smirking a little as he hears the soft growl from David at the words.

“I was busy with important exam stuff,” David says quietly, letting his chin drop onto Matteo’s shoulder.

“That’s been over for hours,” Matteo says, turning to look at David more closely. He hums, looking tired, with dark circles under his eyes. But there’s no sense of anxiety behind his words. He’s content, Matteo realises.

“Mmmmm it has been,” David agrees quietly after a moment. “But a couple of people insisted on having a drink together for the last time.”

Matteo can hear the fondness for those people behind the words, but also the restlessness that clearly indicates that David wanted to be here with him. He feels easy enough to tease.

“It’s fine. I know you were just avoiding the hard work here.”

Matteo squeaks a little as David tickles him in retaliation at that. The whole situation is promising to get interesting, hands starting to drift and pull each other closer, when they’re interrupted by a loud throat clearing right next to their ears. Matteo glares at Hans irritably, and isn’t much pleased when he gets a cheerfully innocent grin in exchange.

“Your guests are arriving, my little butterfly. So it’s time to put on something decent to wear and come join us all.”

Matteo rolls his eyes at that. He’s already dressed fine, with somewhat fitting jeans and a comfortable hoodie that’s not even crumpled. But he does reluctantly slip out of David’s embrace. Much as the rest of it was just Hans being Hans, Matteo does feel some responsibility for welcoming his friends.

It doesn’t take long for the space to be filled with drunk and happy people. It’s the last day of school, with the PE exam being the final event before everyone could relax. Most people were already done, but there are enough PE students in their group that the sense of a party is much stronger than over any of the previous days.

Matteo finds himself standing next to Hanna on the edges. “You doing okay?” he asks when she clinks her bottle against his.

She shrugs. “It’s all a bit strange,” she admits. “I still don’t know what I’m doing and it’s weird to be done with school.”

He nods his agreement. “Here’s to us losers,” he says as the drinks. “At least there’s two of us, yeah?”

She laughs in agreement. “It would suck to be alone.” She nods over to where Jonas and David are talking together, heads close and eyes intense as they ruminate the problems of the world. “And at least we have those guys to keep us in the style to which we are accustomed.”

That’s a little new, Matteo realises with a small lift of his lips. She hasn’t really admitted anything about her and Jonas so having her so casual about it is interesting. He glances at her, and notices she’s frozen, her eyes wide as she realises what she’s said. So he bumps her shoulder and nods at the two boys.

“We’re doomed,” Matteo says, laughing as the boys they’re watching get even more intensely involved in their discussion, stepping closer together and waving hands around passionately. “They’re never going to stop arguing about the state of the world long enough to make any money.”

David looks up and over at him, smiling in the way Matteo has come to adore. It’s so open and joyous, unfettered and free and it settles something restless in Matteo's chest. He glances down at his mark and smiles himself. The bird is back, silver shining brightly and its wings stretched out as if it’s in flight.

Hanna’s smirking at him, her eyes bright and happy. Matteo realizes he doesn’t really mind too much, that these people know how caught up in David he is. It’s special what they have and they should celebrate it. Jonas is beckoning to Hanna with his eyes, and she excuses herself abruptly to head in his direction. 

Part of Matteo wants to tease her for her own overly involved feelings, but he figures things must still be somewhat shaky with them. Considering that they haven’t yet been open about whatever is going on, it’s actually fairly huge that she even suggested that Jonas and her shared a future. Things have clearly been progressing quickly there. Catching Jonas’s eyes, and asking the question with his own, Matteo laughs when he shrugs and leans in to Hanna when she gets near him. It’s not up to Matteo how they work their own stuff out.

He’s about to make his own way to David, when Sara slides into place beside him. Her breath is shaky and she’s not looking at him, but there’s clear intent in her body language when he turns back to look at her. Blinking, Matteo watches her in consternation.

“I wanted to say I think it’s nice that you bonded,” she says after a few hesitant mis-starts. “I wasn’t very good about it last time.”

“Mmmmm,” Matteo agrees, and takes a swig of his beer to cover for his confusion. The most he’s thought about Sara in the last few weeks was to wonder just how much she’s told the others about him. He hadn’t expected to be having this conversation at all, let alone at a party like this.

As if she’s read his mind, she looks him in the eye this time and flushes. “I wanted to apologise,” she says. “It wasn’t good of me to spread about you being into guys.”

Part of Matteo wants to push it away and pretend it never bothered him. He's happy now, after all, and his bonds with David are some of the most wonderful things he’s ever known. He’d never give up any of that for anything. But she’s right. It wasn’t good, and he was forced to be open to more people and much earlier than he’d wanted to be. 

“I wish I could say it’s okay,” he says quietly. “But it did kind of suck.”

“I know,” she whispers, looking contrite. “I was hurt and angry and I felt like you used me and so I wanted to hurt you back.”

He nods. He’d guessed as much, and he knows in his heart that he didn’t treat her as well as he should have either. “I was a bit of an asshole too,” he admits. He thinks of the day he and David had escaped the party, the day he’d told David in front of Sara how good he looked. He’d known even then that it wasn’t nice, but he was so caught up in the heady stuff with David that he hadn’t cared. He’s sure his own face reflects the apologetic expression on hers.

“You were,” she agrees. “We both were.”

“I’m sorry,” Matteo says. “Can we be friends? I kind of miss hanging out with you.”

She laughs. “Even with David under your arm all the time?”

He shrugs. “Even then.”

“I’m sorry too,” she nods. “I know it doesn’t help now, but for the record I won’t do anything like that again.” He sips his drinks and smiles at her. She dips her head, looking embarrassed. “And I’d like to be friends,” she says. 

They talk for a few more minutes, catching up on the things they’ve missed since they stopped spending time together so abruptly. She tells him about her PE exam and how brutal it was, how she’s proud of how she did. In return he tells her about his own struggles with Spanish, though he leaves out the cheating. By the time Leonie drags her away to join the dancing and David has come to hover by Matteo’s side, they’re not great friends, exactly. But there’s an understanding that they can reconnect. That there’s something they can pull from the ruins of what they had.

Matteo looks around the room, at all his friends scattered there. It’s nice, it feels like a home. Kiki, Amira and her brothers sit along the wall, laughing at something stupid Carlos has obviously said. He’s lit up, his eyes glued to Kiki, and his body leaning in towards her. Jonas and Hanna seem to have come to some sort of arrangement; they’re swaying in the middle of the makeshift dance floor, oblivious to everyone else, foreheads together and eyes closed. Sara and Leonie are laughing together, dancing with heads thrown back and arms splayed wide. There’s a carefree feeling about them that makes Matteo's heart warm; part of him envies that freedom, but part of him knows he’s working on it and he’s getting there too. 

Abdi and Sam are together in the corner. There’s some weed being passed back and forth between them and Matteo realises with a start that he hasn’t wanted to do as much lately, that even the wistful wish to do weed with his boys instead of this party had more to do with the companionship than wanting to smoke. The fog which had consumed him so much, and which he used the weed to escape from, hasn’t been as present. 

He’s unsure whether it’s the bonding and not resisting it anymore or if it’s deeper than that. Once he’d confessed to everything, it all got lighter. Still, he remembers being with his mother in the church and wondering if he should explore something to help. It still seems like a nice idea, because one thing he’s noticed over the past few years is that that fog comes in cycles and there’s no guarantees that it’ll stay away forever now that he’s at a better place in his life. Maybe something better, healthier and more permanent than weed could be a good idea.

A loud burst of laughter draws his attention and he sees Hans tugging on Linn’s hands and dragging her towards the dance floor, or better put towards the rug delineated as the dancing space in the middle of the room. Laura, whose hand is in Linn’s, is being drawn into it as well. She’s not as reluctant as Linn, and Matteo can tell it won’t be long before all three are bouncing to some frenetic beat. 

“We should join them,” David says, coming up beside him. “I feel like being a little free, don’t you?”

“Mmmm,” Matteo agrees. When David’s there none of the worries seem to matter, and he feels like being energetic. He knows he’ll probably want to be somewhere quieter later, but for right now dancing with his friends sounds great.

The song changes, and David laughs. It’s one they’d listened to when they were both insecure and convinced the other one didn’t want anything romantic at all. 

“It’s fate,” David says, turning to walk backwards so he can keep his eyes on Matteo. “We have to dance now.”

Laughing, Matteo lets himself be drawn into the circle. Everyone else is here now too. Maybe  _ this _ is his redemption, he thinks. It’s not important that he doesn’t know what he’s doing after school is done. All that matters is this. To be with people who know everything there is to know about him and who love him anyway. There’s not much that can be better than that. He throws his head back and his arms out in imitation of Sara and Leonie, in imitation of the redemptive figure in the church, and smiles at David who’s doing some sort of complicated dance move. Matteo feels free and alive and happy. And that’s the most important thing. Being here, feeling that, with all his friends.


	21. Epilogue: Everything is love

###  ** _Matteo _ **

It’s strange to be here, Matteo thinks as he surveys the long, open hall they’ve hired for this final soulbond party. He’s never been one to join in this sort of community building stuff, always preferring to hang with his small group of settled friends. So he’s not even sure how he managed to get roped into this thing, particularly considering that the whole idea of soulbonds made him shudder when he first heard of the planning parties. It probably had something to do with David; Matteo’s always been weak when it comes to David. Maybe there was some pre-bonding behaviour happening even back then.

Still. There have been some benefits. Matteo looks over at David, and into his grinning face. He’s proud; Matteo can see it in his body language as he gestures to the huge poster some girls from the concept group are hauling into place at the far end of the room. It covers almost the entire short wall and looks damn good, he thinks. They chose this one to be the centrepiece and it reminds him of the day all those weeks ago when he and David had sat in Matteo’s room looking through ideas. Entanglement. The various bonding theories and ideas from various cultures. And that’s what’s happened here. 

There are several smaller posters scattered around the room, all showing various states of entanglement in the art and bond types David had carefully selected and drawn. And then there’s this one. It includes all the cultures they’d investigated that day. Greek. Arabic. Celtic. Jewish. Others too, a wild blend of all of them meeting in the middle in one shining glow that represents the way all the bonds are the same despite seemingly being so different.

It was supposed to be just a little advertising that David did, but slowly and surely as the others had seen what he was doing with his art, what he was doing moved much further into the concept of the whole event and he and Matteo had been swallowed up into the concept group fairly early on. Not that it’s a bad thing, Matteo thinks as he tilts his head sideways to admire the poster. It was worth it for this to be the final concept. Much better than the insipid things the group was originally thinking about. It still makes Matteo smile to remember how forcefully David had written down his ideas at that very first planning meeting. Even then, he knew his own worth; it’s something Matteo thinks he should emulate in some ways.

Given that, Matteo’s finally able to admit that his own part was worth it, too. David’s art is impressive, the colours working together to create something beautifully cohesive and alive. But the thing that’s really pulling it together is the projection Matteo has rigged up to play over the pale glow in the middle, the slowly swirling patterns replicating the many ways bonds can play out on skin. He’s managed to work with David to make it imply sensory bonds and mental marks as well. It is, he acknowledges to himself, the final touch the piece needed. Part of him had argued that it would be too much and would take away from the perfection of the art David had created. But he’d been argued down, told by several people that it was the combination that made a bond work perfectly, and the same was true for the art. 

It was humbling during the poster creation that people saw it that way, but seeing it now makes Matteo realise that they were all right. It’s this connection between him and David which has allowed this to happen in this way. Kiki has always claimed this will be the best soulbond party ever, and while Matteo has never paid attention to any of the previous ones, he’s willing to allow her the exaggeration. If indeed it is exaggerated. They’ve worked hard, and it’s come together better than he thought it could back at that first planning session. 

He’s been standing there for too long, Matteo thinks. People have started to move around him, intent on their own business and paying no heed to his stationary form in the middle of the room. Someone eventually jostles his elbow, knocking him out of his thoughts. He turns to see who it is and finds himself melting sideways into David’s embrace, his body picking up who it is well before his mind catches on.

Fuck. He must really have been out of it if he didn’t notice they’d finished getting the picture up, and the projector turned on. He smiles up at it, the colours softly swirling and causing everyone to pause momentarily to watch. There’s something bewitching about it, and Matteo allows himself the surge of pride as he sees the people staring at it, fascinated.

David’s rich laugh rings out by Matteo’s ear, making him flush as David’s breath whispers over the sensitive skin there and his arm slings up and over his shoulder so he can pull Matteo in to press a kiss onto his cheek.

“It looks good, huh?”

That’s an understatement, but Matteo can hear the vibrant pride quivering behind every word David says. He’s nowhere near as casual as he wants people to think, at all.

“Really good,” Matteo agrees. 

“I remember this day,'' David says quietly, his mouth still close enough to Matteo's neck that it’s like a confession into a sacred space. “I wanted you so much but I was so scared about the whole ‘sensing your thoughts’ thing.”

Matteo laughs. “I was thinking about that day too, but more about the way we found these ideas together. Entanglement. How bonds work. That was the start of all this.” He waves his hand to cover everything they’ve done and the giant poster most of all.

David shakes his head, laughing as he draws Matteo round to face him. “You’re far too serious,” he says, pressing his forehead onto Matteo’s. “I was thinking about how I touched your mark and we kissed.” He sighs, as if in blissful memory. There’s a sarcastic tone to the way he exaggerates that sigh, but Matteo can hear clear as a bell the solid truth behind it. That David holds that moment as dear as Matteo himself does.

“You’re a romantic sap,” Matteo mutters, distracted by the way David’s lashes look so long and luxurious this close up. By the way those eyes bore into his soul just by being so close.

Because he hears the real thoughts behind the words, David smiles. All teasing is gone now, along with any thought of the people around them. It’s all slipped into a bubble where it’s just the two of them. This has always been Matteo’s favourite thing about their bonds, that they can do this so easily. Tuning out the rest of the world happens so naturally that the boys often complain that they never see either of them even when they’re all in the same room together.

Usually a sarcastic comment from someone near them is enough to pull their focus back to a wider group, but not today. Today, even surrounded by so many people, some of whom want to talk to them, it’s just the two of them in their bubble, sharing a memory. Matteo’s fingers skim up and along David's jaw to cup under his chin. He watches the way David shivers in response to the touch and smiles himself. His own sigh is genuinely blissful.

David’s eyes flicker in soft amusement. “You’re such a romantic yourself.”

Matteo shrugs, acknowledging it. “It’s what the party’s all about, after all,” he says. “Bonds in all their forms. I can’t help it if ours are just better than everyone else's.”

David presses forward and kisses him softly. It’s the slightest brush of lips, but there’s something in the way it happens here in their bubble surrounded by the fruits of all their work, that makes it special. Important.

“Definitely the best,” David says as he pulls back to smile at Matteo again. 

“Keep telling yourselves that,” Carlos’s voice crashes in on them, startling Matteo out of the moment. “You can’t live up to what Kiki and I have.”

David slides back a little and turns to acknowledge the other people who have suddenly intruded again. This is a long running joke between them all, the banter free and easy as they compete for the title. But whatever Carlos, and occasionally Jonas, try to imply, Matteo’s sure that the double bond he and David share is superior. He laughs along with the reasons, each more ridiculous than the last, as the others bicker. 

Meeting David's eye, he knows that all that matters is how they feel about their bonds. And right now it’s pretty damn good.

###  ** _David _ **

”You know  _ our  _ bond is the best right?” Matteo whispers in David’s ear, his voice drowning the jokes and laughter firing back and forth between the others. Matteo smiles but his eyes are sincere and his feelings are bare in the dim party lights. 

”Yeah I know.” Holding Matteo’s gaze, David feels light, almost like he’s floating. He could tease Matteo, maybe quote that part from  _ ‘Only Lovers Left Alive’ _ where Eve tells Adam that he’s lucky in love, but it doesn’t feel quite right. “I love you,” he mouths.

Matteo’s smile is a bright boyish beam firing straight into David’s soul. 

David can hear a whoop from someone in the group, probably someone noticing that they’re being sappy again, but he doesn’t really care. He puts his arm around Matteo’s waist and sways to the music that’s streaming from the speakers. He allows himself to look around, especially at his art and Matteo’s projections, working perfectly together. He’s pleased. Their art also fits perfectly with the flowers and decorations and in all the colours of the rainbow.  _ Love is love _ , as Godma said. The theme is perhaps cheesy, but it feels personal; like he put his soul into the art. 

This feels right. The night is filled with an air of something similar to a promise. It’s one of the last times they are all gathered like this before they all go on, figuring out their lives. David looks around at all the people around them, chatting and laughing, and it hits him that he’s far from the loner he used to feel like before.

Not that he ever was a  _ loner  _ per se. Sure, he left his old life, and his parents, but he has always had Laura and Godma. And to be fair, Matteo, Jonas and the others have included him since they became aware of him. He has a tribe, people he feels connected to, although it has taken him some time to realise that and allow himself to want it.

Now he has more than a tribe, more than a family. Hell, he has a legion. Not just Laura, Godma and the guys. Hans and Linn are there for him, too, just like the girls from school. It’s wild, really.

“David. Matteo.” Kiki is suddenly up close, smiling at them, and David notices that her eyes are shiny and dreamy. “I know we’re just joking around and I’m maybe a little tipsy but I wanna say I’m happy for you guys.” 

“Uh, thanks.” David mutters, glancing quickly at Matteo. Matteo only shrugs and gives him a crooked smile.

”You’re amazing,” Kiki says, and she lets out this typical half-drunk sigh that still somehow seems sincere. “Everything about your story and your twin bond, wow. I know we don’t know it all, but it’s really gripping. It’s like you found out who you really are, the two of you together. And you do things like you want to and then you own it. You’re  _ real _ .” 

David looks quickly at Matteo, who gives a stunned smile. And yeah. Kiki is a bit much. It’s all a bit awkward. Right now, though, David doesn’t care. He just grins. 

Carlos moves closer to them, putting an arm around her. David half expects him to laugh her off or tease them some more, but Carlos just smiles. “She’s right,” he says. “You’ve come a long way, dudes.”

Laughing, David shakes his head, wrapping his arm tighter around Matteo. He can’t deny it’s true - he and Matteo have found their way together. Yeah, they still have good days and bad days, but they are figuring things out and it’s great.

Matteo still has that crooked smile going on and David half expects him to joke it away but he only says ”Thank you, guys. That’s cool.”

”Double bonds.” Carlos repeats, musing. “I haven’t really met my second, platonic soulmate yet. Or I don’t think so. Do you think there’s a difference between my double and yours?”

David doesn’t know how to answer that. He rests his arm around Matteo’s waist and leaves it up to him. 

Kiki leans her head on Carlos shoulder, sighing and smiling, as if she’s heard questions like this too many times before but still finds it cute. “How could they know, honey? It’s a bit subjective, right?”

Carlos shrugs, but still looks at Matteo and David, waiting for an answer.

“Obviously it’s like the universe is telling David and me that we really belong together,” Matteo grins. “Like for real - for real. So ours is better than yours, of course.”

“Oh shut up,” Carlos rolls his eyes and groans but he can’t hide his smile. “Seriously, do you think there’s a difference?” 

“Well, it’s hard to tell,” David says. He thinks about how his feelings have grown, and how they are all tangled together. It’s hard to tell where their bonds end and their love begins. Or where their platonic bond ends and their romantic bond begins. Does it even make sense to describe it like that, at all? “How did you guys know you have a romantic bond?” he asks.

Carlos frowns. “I don’t know? I guess we can feel that we are attracted to each other as more than friends. That we want to be together romantically.” 

“But it’s about more than that,” Kiki adds, leaning into him. “It’s about the connection. It’s more intense, in a way.”

“Yeah. It’s both passion and compassion.” Carlos sounds a little bit like he has read a pamphlet, but his terms make sense. 

David can recognise that feeling of their bonds being  _ more  _ now. 

Kiki kisses Carlos on his cheek. “Can’t believe I’m saying this but I’ve had enough talk about love for now. It’s a party! I’m getting a drink.” 

She slinks away and Carlos smiles as he watches her go. “What about you guys?” he asks, looking back at Matteo and David. “How does this double bond feel?”

David hesitates. It feels strange to talk about these things out loud, as if he’s sharing something private. Looking at Matteo, he can see that Matteo is relaxed with it, just waiting for David to answer and not worrying about the subject at all. And David realises that he actually  _ wants  _ to talk about their twin bonds with his friends, just like he wanted to talk about them with Godma. His heart feels too full, and he must share it.

“I think Matteo and I can feel how the connection has grown with our second bond,” he says. “I know I do.”

“Yeah, it feels like  _ more _ ,” Matteo adds. “Not necessarily better than a platonic bond, of course, but it fits  _ us  _ better.”

A warm wave of care and love washes over David, and he’s certain Matteo felt the same when David talked about his own feelings. Picking up each other’s underlying meanings and feelings has become so natural now that he rarely notices it. 

Matteo keeps looking at him. “We know now that we would have been together romantically even if we only had a platonic bond.” 

“Yeah, no doubt. But with the double bond –”

“– It’s enforced.” Matteo finishes.

Jonas must have listened in to their conversation because he steps closer, holding Hanna’s hand and dragging her with him. “Guys,” he says. “Matteo. David. Weren’t you guys crushing on each other from… you know, long before the bonding?” 

David blushes, smiling at Matteo. “Crushes can happen before bonding, you know that,” he mumbles. 

“Yeah,” Matteo smiles back; he looks thoughtful as if this is something he’s been considering himself. Then he turns to Jonas and Hanna, like he suddenly gets something. “What are you really asking, Jonas?” His eyes are sharp and there’s a dare hidden in his smile.

Jonas startles, then shares a look with Hanna. Whatever the two of them say to each other with their eyes, it seems to prompt Jonas to answer: “Well. You know. I’m curious. And, uh. I thought bonds mostly were there from the start, and it seems like yours grew.”

“That’s not really a question,” Matteo says. David darts a look sideways at him. He’s cheeky, daring still, with his eyes bright and his grin wide. It seems like he knows what’s going on but won’t make it easy for his friends. Underneath it all, though, David can hear the affection he has for them. There’s a deep sense of wishing them well even as he teases them.

“Does the bond have to be there from the start to be a true romantic bond?” Hanna asks, then. 

Oh. Right. David has a vague memory of Jonas talking about wanting a romantic bond. And as far as David knows, Jonas and Hanna have had something going on these last weeks. They haven’t said anything about bonds, though. Are they really asking what he’s thinking? Matteo’s reactions certainly seem to suggest so.

“Nah, bonds can grow,” David says, and he can’t help that a teasing tone enters his voice, in open mimicry of Matteo, “so it’s never too late to get a romantic one, or anything.” 

“You don’t have to get bonded to love someone, though,” Matteo adds. “You know that. Fuck, Jonas, you’re so obvious!” He’s openly laughing now, being that little shithead that he can be.

“What?” Jonas groans, but he’s smiling, clearly knowing he’s busted. 

“I think Matteo is trying to tell us that he wonders when we’re going to share the news with him, so that he can be a  _ supportive friend _ ,” Hanna says, smiling, but with a clear warning in her eyes as she looks at Matteo. There’s something swirling there, and David wonders what has been happening between them while things were so difficult between him and Matteo. The suggestion that he should be supportive is so pointed.

Matteo raises his hands in defense, but his smile softens as he looks at Jonas.

Jonas sighs then, and David can see how the tension seeps out of him as he rolls his eyes and looks over at Hanna.. “Okay. So, we’re really doing this?” he asks her.

“Yeah,” Hanna laughs. “I think they already have an idea.”

“Okay.” Jonas smiles widely, and looks at the others. “Hanna and I have bonded.”

“We think it’s a romantic bond but it grew so slowly that it took a while to be sure,” Hanna adds. 

Their little group erupts in congratulations and whoops, and David joins them, his heart feeling full. 

Matteo doesn’t say anything at first, he just pulls Jonas into a tight hug, then Hanna. Then he joins the chorus of joy. His eyes are shining with something that looks suspiciously like tears, but he’s smiling wide and his arms around them are solid and tight.

David gets to hug Hanna first. “Congratulations!”

She holds him close. “Thanks! So glad we got to know you, David,” she whispers, squeezing his arms. “That you and Matteo found each other.” 

David nods, blinking hard, unable to say a word. It’s a night for tears, it seems. He’s not used to being this way, but it seems fitting on a night like this dedicated to bonds and bonding and in some ways to the endings they represent as well.

Then Jonas is there, hugging him tight. 

“I’m glad for you, Jonas!,” David says into his neck. 

“Thanks, brudi.” Jonas smiles, pokes him in the side and turns the hug into a half wrestle, making David laugh. “You’d better be good to Matteo, you know,” he says, not sounding threatening at all. “Nah, I know you’re great, Schreibner. And your art? Damn. I just have to tell you, it’s outta the park.”

“Yeah, it’s beautiful,” Hanna says. 

David can’t help swelling in pride. He has gotten more praise in one day to fill up a lifetime, but it feels the best when his closest friends acknowledge what he’s done. “Thanks,” he croaks. “But it’s  _ our  _ art. I wasn’t alone in this.” 

Matteo smiles at them both, and hugs David close again. “We’re a good team,” he says, not for the first time. 

“Guess having a romantic bond isn’t too bad, huh?” Hanna teases. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Matteo doesn’t look bothered by her teasing at all. Just happy.

“I heard this theory that romance is a myth,” Mia suddenly shoots in. David hadn’t even noticed that she had joined them. He blinks when he notices that the crowd has grown, and Abdi and Sam are there as well. Amira, too. 

“I can buy that theory,” Sam grins. When she notices Abdi staring at her as if the idea hurts him, she just laughs and shakes her head as if she finds him silly. She probably does. 

“Do you believe that?” Jonas asks, turned to Mia. 

Mia shrugs one shoulder. “I’m not sure. The idea is that romance is basically created by modern idealism and written novels. Or by the conflict between sexual attraction and moral codes. Something like that.” 

“Huh,” Amira says, and David can basically see how her mind is working. “Interesting.”

David feels a little awkward, and tries to gather his thoughts. It’s not like he hasn’t heard similar ideas before, but now that he and Matteo have found each other and bonded, it sounds so  _ wrong _ . How can romance be a myth? How can what they share not be real?

An awkward silence fills the group. Matteo is frowning, looking at Mia. Amira has this look on her face like she’s studying some experiment or something. Jonas looks thoughtful, while Carlos mostly looks offended. Sam and Abdi seem like they’re not so interested in the discussion, and they slink away, probably heading for the dancefloor. 

“How can we have these two different types of bonds if romance doesn’t exist?” Matteo asks, still frowning. His voice is steady, but David can sense that the subject means a lot to him, that there’s confusion and a little anxiety sitting behind the words. “Also, I can remind you of my mum and tell you that romantic bonds  _ do  _ exist. She’s romantically bonded with someone she doesn’t want to be with, so she knows that very well.” 

“Yeah, of course.” Mia says, quickly, and it’s clear she regrets dragging the mood down. “I didn’t mean to be rude or anything. I don’t know much about love, or bonding. I’m just saying that romantic love is hard to pinpoint, that’s all.” 

“You’re right about that,” David says, giving her a smile. She deserves some support for asking. There are a lot of things they don’t know about bonding, and how can they figure out more if they don’t ask questions?

“I think,” Amira shoots in, “that it’s more likely that people haven’t been able to think much about romantic love when they have needed to think about survival instead. The romantic bonds helped, of course, but most people had other things in mind. During the last few centuries, we can afford to feel romantic love.”

“Yeah, good point,” Jonas says.

“Also,” Matteo adds, slowly, like he’s realising something. “Not everybody feels romantic attraction, or sexual attraction, no matter what their bond is. You know, they can be aro. Or ace.”

He meets David’s eyes, and David knows he thinks about Godma, and he feels warm just thinking about her. She managed to open their eyes in many ways. Sure, David has discussed things like these before, with Laura, especially. But it has taken him time, and his own experiences, and Godma, to really understand how diverse love and soulbonds can be.

“Maybe there’s more to the platonic and romantic bonds than we know, too,” David muses.

“Yes!” Amira says. “I would love to learn more about bonds. There seem to be so many myths around soulmates and bonds, we need more research. More facts. Some days I wonder if that’s what I should study at university.”

“That’s my study partner,” Matteo grins, teasing, but also looking a little proud.

“You remind me of my godmother,” David admits, smiling. “She said that  there might be more aspects to both the romantic bonds and the platonic ones. That norms and statistics aren’t absolute, and we don’t know everything yet.” 

“And that love and soulmates can come in all shapes and sizes,” Matteo smiles. “Which is very fitting with our party theme.”

“Yay!” Carlos says. He’s been quiet for a while, listening in, but now it’s clear he’s had enough. “So let’s drop the discussion and party on, guys!” 

“Here’s to bonds and love in all shapes and sizes!” Jonas shouts, and they all cheer, ending the discussion. 

Some of them disappear to find drinks while others pair up to dance. David pulls Matteo with him through the crowd and to the dancefloor. As they put their arms around each other and start swaying to the music, Matteo looks at him with his beautiful, blue eyes, and the warmth in his gaze makes David want to squeeze him tight and never let go. 

David feels this strange mix of sweetness and something like nostalgia. It’s not quite a bittersweet feeling, but a feeling of one part of his life ending and another beginning. It feels promising, though. Hopeful. It’s not at all like the last time a part of his life ended. 

Something tightens in David’s stomach as he thinks about his parents and his old life. 

Carlos was unintentionally more right than he knew when he said that David and Matteo had come a long way. David is well aware that he has learned a lot these last months. Like, talking about things. Handling things instead of running away. Does that mean that he should find a way to face parts of his old life? Does he want to? And do his parents deserve a second chance, at all? He’s not sure. 

“You okay?” Matteo mutters against his ear, clearly picking up some of his mood in one way or another. 

“Mm.. yeah. You know. Things are changing.” He bets Matteo can sense exactly what he means. Or feels. Once, that would scare him, but now it gives him peace. Matteo senses all these things he thinks and he still wants to stick around. So maybe being David isn’t so bad. Maybe he can be real and open and still manage to keep the important people around.

“Yeah, I know,” Matteo sighs. “Endings are hard, but we need them.” 

David chuckles. “That sounds like a peppy slogan, or something, who  _ are  _ you?”

“Fuck you,” Matteo laughs. 

“No, you’re right,” David sighs. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever face things from his own life yet. This isn’t the time to think of that. He knows that he’ll share it with Matteo, though. And if he ever goes back, it will be for his own sake. To get closure, perhaps. And no matter what the result is, he knows he has Matteo, and Laura, and his new found family. “We do need them, so we can get a beginning.”

  
  


###  ** _Matteo_ **

The large room is full of people, pressing in on all sides. They’re dancing, often knocking into Matteo even though the space should be big enough to contain them all. Over the roar of music, a distant, hazy chatter can be heard from the people lining the walls. Matteo can’t make out any words, but their laughter carries further, their joy contagious and his heart feeling alive at the sound.

David has his arms around Matteo’s neck, loosely held together at the nape and caressing the hairline. The feeling sends shivers across Matteo’s skin, skittering happiness in their wake. The feeling of David’s fingers, slipping down and along his arm so they can brush against his mark, makes him smile. There’s an ease and a comfort in that feeling, the waves of intensity that come with those touches now almost regular. It’s strange; Matteo remembers the day just a few weeks ago when he’d been in a similar position to this, only it was Sara who was dancing with him. That day feels like a lifetime ago, and the feelings couldn’t be any different to now. Now he tucks his head down onto David’s shoulder and smiles as he feels the skin shivering under his breath. 

In the distance as he looks up, Matteo can see Carlos lifting his head in invitation. He knows there’ll be weed and beer wherever they manage to hide away, and part of him is tempted to join them right away. But the other part of him is so content here, wrapped up in David’s arms, that the idea of leaving this space makes him clutch David, pulling him closer. David’s arms slide up and onto his shoulders again, the bright flush of the bond mark’s touch slipping back into a more peaceful contentment. Matteo acknowledges Carlos's invitation with his eyes but makes it clear he’s not moving with a small shake of his head. He snorts a little at the amused resignation on Carlos’s face when he moves away.

David moves closer, his arms winding more tightly, and Matteo gets lost in the moment again. He can feel his face softening into a smile as his body responds to David’s proximity. It should, perhaps, be alarming just how easy it is for David to affect his mood. And yet, here he is. Enjoying every moment, always wanting to be together to experience these feelings over again.

There’s warm breath over his ear as David whispers, “Do you want to get out of here?”

Matteo closes his eyes, takes a breath and laughs. “I just told Carlos we’d stay here,” he says. “And now you want me to go back on that?”

He trails off at David’s small snort. When Matteo looks at him, he can see amusement in the look, and fondness. 

“I didn’t think you’d turn down quality alone time. Or weed.”

Matteo shrugs. “Maybe I just wanted to stay here with you,” he says, then laughs as he watches David’s face slip into a smile of his own, reacting to the sappiness of the thought, probably also reacting to the flood of joyful love Matteo feels as he says it. Sometimes he makes comments like this one just to watch David react to the thoughts behind his words. Sometimes he thinks David does the same thing in return. 

It’s not even like Matteo is trying to be like this; while he’d never really subscribed to the idea of ‘one true soulmate and happy ever after’ and was never shy of saying it, he finds he really likes his life now. He likes that he can read David in the same way David reads him. The most important thing that came out of all this was a knowledge that other people’s expectations suck, and that what he has with David works for them. Their teasing vibe bleeding seamlessly into the way their bonds work, makes him laugh at least as often as it makes him melt. 

“I guess we could go hang with the guys,” he says eventually. “Since you obviously want to be away from my charms.”

David shakes his head, that exasperatedly fond look back on his face. Matteo loves seeing it. “You ass,” he says, and Matteo hears the whispered  _ I love you _ hiding in behind, “it’s a party; we should hang with everyone else.”

“A bonding party,” Matteo points out with a cheeky grin. “We could stay together and celebrate our bonds. That’s the whole  _ point.” _

But he lets himself be pulled away, and isn’t unhappy when they head outside into the cool of the late evening air. 

“Eyyyyy, there they are!” Abdi cheers when they step out onto the wide concrete pad outside the hired room. 

David’s hand is warm in his own and his eyes are closed when Matteo looks over at him. With the muted thud of the music dying out, Matteo feels himself recentering, a small calm taking up residence in his body. Taking a deep breath, Matteo remembers how unhappy he was when they first discussed this party. When David was just a friend he crushed on, and Sara and everyone had too many expectations about too many things.

Matteo looks down at the boys. They’re sharing a bong, clearly already mellowed from the hits they’ve taken, which is impressive given the short space of time since Carlos had issued his invitation. Maybe they’ve been out here longer than Matteo had thought, and he’s been too caught up in David to have noticed. That’s not unknown lately; time seems to disappear when they’re together. There’s a soft haze in the air, and mixed with the sudden change in music to a quieter, more rhythmic beat Matteo can already feel the soporific pull as he grins.

“Give me some of that,” he demands as he pushes his way down between Jonas and Abdi. Rolling his eyes, David wriggles his way in beside Matteo. It gives him a small thrill that even at a time like this David will fight to be near him. On any normal day the other boys would protest, tease them both for being such damn entitled brats, but today Carlos just smiles, beatific, and passes the weed over.

The hit is fast. Much faster than it used to be, and Matteo realises, not for the first time, that it’s been a long time since he really smoked. It’s good, he thinks. Taking a hit occasionally like this is much more fun than the weed-encased fog he was living in for so long as he tried to blunt his pain. Matteo sucks in again, feels his body settling even more into floppy comfort as he passes it on to David, who’s half-lying on him.

They sit for a few minutes in silence, letting the haze wash over them and their bodies fill with the lazy drag of the smoke. It’s peaceful, and Matteo can almost imagine that they’re alone, five wanderers cast adrift from everyone else. That’s not a bad thing, he thinks as he leans his head back against the wall behind him and blows out his latest hit. These people are all he truly needs, after all. They’re his home, his family. David’s body beside him is warm and cosy, reminding him of their deeper bond. The boys are his family, and David is his home.

“I’m glad you’re my friends,” Matteo says. “You’re all a bunch of assholes, but you’re the best guys I know.”

There’s a disgruntled rumbling from next to him as Abdi mutters something about  _ not an asshole. _ Matteo laughs, and he hears David's reciprocal murmur beside him. He remembers the days when he wanted to be soulmates with the guys, pushing the idea of a romantic bond as far away from him as possible.

With David being here with him now, body soft and pliant next to his own, the bonds pulsing between them, platonic and romantic working together, he wonders what the hell he’d been thinking. He has the best of every world now. 

“You’re in such a sappy mood today,” David says quietly as he passes the weed he’s just taken a drag from onto Jonas, bypassing Matteo. 

Matteo shrugs an acknowledgement. “It’s just nice,” he says. “I used to want a bond with the guys because I hated my mark and everything it stood for. I never wanted any of that romance shit.”

“But now you have me.” Matteo can hear the smug  _ and I’m the best _ sitting behind his words and he rolls his own eyes. 

“But now I realised I can keep them anyway,” he says. Then he grins, pushes David with his shoulder, enough that he slumps sideways and onto Abdi. “You’re kind of like an added bonus.”

He looks around at the guys. They’re all so different, and yet they work together as a team. Before, when Matteo was resisting his mark and everything that came with it, he couldn’t see it and they’ve spent too much time lately being separated by his reticence. But here and now he feels a swelling of love for them all.

For Carlos, with his big heart and his sensitivity to what the people around him are feeling. His words can sometimes be misguided, and yet Matteo finds him a good and decent friend, kind and caring when it’s needed. For Abdi, with his bumbling mistakes and the stupid way he puts his foot in everything. His tendency to say what he thinks is actually a real strength, and Matteo has learned to appreciate it. For Jonas, Matteo’s best friend since forever. The one he’d crushed on for so long in such a hopeless way. For his heart and his steadfast friendship, for the way he’s always been there for Matteo even in the times when Matteo was checked out and distant.

Most of all he feels love for David. For the way he’s been so careful with Matteo and his feelings. For his honesty about how he might still run and might still have issues. For his strength and the way he always comes back, for the way the bonds make him feel. It’s almost overwhelming how much he feels for David, when he lets himself think about it. 

Maybe weed isn’t the best idea, he thinks smiling to himself as he leans back against the wall. It makes him maudlin and philosophical and far  _ far  _ too sappy. It’s almost a relief when Hanna slips out into the evening as well, and smiles down at them all.

“We should go back inside,” she says. “The party needs you guys.”

“I think it can survive without us,” Jonas says, but he’s already pushing up off the ground, his focus entirely on her face. Seeing them together, wrapped up in each other, would once have burned unhappiness through Matteo’s chest. Now though, he’s grinning; they’re worse than he and David are and he’s happy for them. Jonas has always been tied up in the idea of romance and a deep connected bond, and it seems like he has that now. It’s nice.

Matteo’s mark burns on his arm and he glances down at it. David’s fingers have slipped again, to trail across it absentmindedly. Under those fingers, the silver shines bright, glistening against the bright green of the background. The bird is here, fluttering happily as David caresses it. His wrist is turned in such a way that Matteo can see his mark. The purples are bright today, the blues flowing through them lazily, probably in tune with matteo’s more mellow feeling after the weed. But the silver. That shines the brightest he’s ever seen it, now also in the shape of a bird wings stretched wide and ready to take flight. 

Just like Matteo. 

The first thing he sees as they enter the room is the giant poster with the slowly projecting images. It’s moving through a series at the moment which sums up everything Matteo has just been thinking. A blending of a physical bond with a mental one, glowing in soft blues and greens as it pulses with an energy that seeps into Matteo’s heart. It moves into one that shows a double bond more like Carlos’s, and another one representing something slow growing and purposeful. 

He reaches out and takes David's hand. Catches his eyes and smiles. They head to the dance floor again, but this time they’re with everyone else. It feels right, looking at the giant screen, that they’re all here together, connected in so many ways with the soulbonds not necessarily the most important of those.

School may be over, life may be coming with all the fears and stresses it brings. But there’s also potential and possibility. And, he thinks, with this group of people and the bonds he shares with David, Matteo has everything he needs to face whatever is coming. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the end. We're both very emotional about this; it's been with us for such a long time and has been our baby. We're both very very grateful for everyone who has come with us on this journey and all the feedback we've got. You've always been so very supportive of us and we appreciate every comment, kudos, message etc that we've got. A very big thank you to our beta readers, who have been so lovely to us and have been there over such a long time. Please do come and talk to us on tumblr; we love to chat!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave us a comment and let us know what you think! :) You can also contact us on Tumblr. Camilla is on Tumblr as [hjertetssunnegalskap1](https://hjertetssunnegalskap1.tumblr.com/) and on Instagram as [hjertetssunnegalskap](https://www.instagram.com/hjertetssunnegalskap/). You can find Allie as [evakuality](https://evakuality.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr.


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